The age of 25

[lostnscared]

Exactly... And these were all the things I had wanted to complete prior to engagement or marriage. That is why I decided to live on my own, already finished college, trying to transition in my career, getting debt paid down, and so on. This is what MANY of my friends and I are doing at our ages(23-24). Whereas my bf who is 25, and others like him, seem to already have been working a lot longer, working on debt, and my bf has lived on his own for several years.

We both are in different stages right now developmentally and that is def. something that we both have been aware of.

 

I mentioned this earlier but this is the main reason that my mom asked my brother who wanted to marry at 23/24 to wait. He waited until he was 26, and remarkably he had changed VERY much between those ages.

 

I do want to point out though that sometimes marriages under 25 CAN work.... It's just a hard road to go down--both people have to be willing to go down it together. I know of one or two couples that were able to do so, and believe me the first 3-4 years were difficult for them. But they remained together and are doing great now.

[lostnscared]

Ok. As long as you two are ready that is all that matters, but again just be cautionary.

 

 

[RougeKali823]

Sophie, I could hug you!

[SayWhen]

I doubt most twenty-five year olds (at least not the ones I know) are financially independent...I wonder how soon that age will be raised to thirty due to the economic atmosphere in this country. Even my parents are not financially independent, since they are living off of bank loans. I guess it all depends upon what is considered to be independence to each individual.

[lostnscared]

I doubt most twenty-five year olds (at least not the ones I know) are financially independent...I wonder how soon that age will be raised to thirty due to the economic atmosphere in this country. Even my parents are not financially independent, since they are living off of bank loans. I guess it all depends upon what is considered to be independence to each individual.

 

There are far more 25 year olds financially independent than there are 20-24 year olds. Very rarely will a 20-24 year old be living on their own, without a roommate, have a career, and have the maturity as a person that is much older, experienced, and more stable. It is what it is. And again the magical age isn't so much "25" as it is the ages AFTER 25 that seem to be better ages for marriage. Finances are only ONE of the many reasons as to why this is. As Sophie, and I had explained earlier, mental development becomes crucial before reaching 25, and it is AT 25 that scientists have determined that the human brain "matures", as does decision making. Of course this doesn't happen to everyone, but for the AVERAGE person it does.

For me financial independence is NOT about bank loans, or depending on someone else to "live". I live on my own. I pay my own bills. My own rent(I have no roommates and never have). Yes if my dad feels like giving me a little extra cash, I'll take it, but I don't need it for the most part, unless an emergency occurs. I don't use credit cards at all anymore, and haven't since I was in college. The same goes for my bf--although he never used credit cards.

The age will continue to raise, not only because of finances(but that is a crucial reason) but because times continue to change. At one point 21 was a good age for marriage, now it isn't. Our generation is known for being completely "behind" when we are compared to the generation X and baby boomers. The age will probably continue to raise, and maybe it's for the best. From what I know about the stats, 30 and above seem to the BEST case scenarios of marriages without divorces.

[_Asti_]

In my position, the change between age 23 to 24 was significant, I did become financially independent.

No debt, paid off my student loan, moved into my own place, and racked up a nice savings account. We have the down payment for a house ready to go, and a large portion of our wedding into savings even before getting engaged.

 

And I am not the only one of my friends either in the same position. Most finished school around 23-24 and are now all living on their own/with their SO and getting married. Im sure its a huge factor when it comes to the whole 'wait till your 25' To get settled into life, before starting a new life with someone else.

[OptomisticGirl]

But we have to admit that there are those over the age of 25 that act like they are teenagers and are just about as mature as the nail on my big thumb. My best friend's ex husband was one of these. He's 28, been married twice (my best friend is his last marriage) and in fact there marriage only lasted a year (they got married because she was pregnant). I can accept that at that mid way point in our 20's we become 'full adults" and the one thing I know CS and I have going for us is we know there will always be change. I don't think you ever stop maturing and we are prepared for that as we can be. I mean, you said it yoruself Sophie (and I apologize because I don't know how old you are. but after taking your job, you matured even MORE. I think maturity is a constant thing through life that only really ends when, well, we die.

 

I also believe a lot of us just aren't meant to do the whole 'on our own thing.' Now don't get me wrong, I do believe as a person you should be out on your own and financially taking care of yourself before marriage. I did, I have actually been on my own and supporting myself since I was 17. But to me and my own personal goals, that wasn't one of them before marriage. Nothing wrong with that goal but for me it just wasn't part of what I wanted out of life. A lot of people my age would rather be single or at least not attached and aren't even thinking about marriage or babies. They would rather party or shop and not have a care in the world and there is nothing wrong with that and I don't mean ALL women my age but a vast majority are like that. Me, I never cared for any of that. I'd much rather have a husband and child to come home to at night. And while I was in school, it hasn't always been my passion in life.

 

It comes down tot he person I believe. You can have two very mature young people just as easily as you can have two unmature people over 25.

[_Asti_]

I never lived on my own, but I do know that if I didn't feel ready to be independent from my parents, I certainly wouldn't have moved in with my partner. I had no difficulties transitioning from my parents home to a place with my partner. Its been smooth, natural and as easy as it comes...but I did feel alot more advanced than my peers, and was dealing with alot the year prior to moving out that just pushed me over the edge in knowing I needed to be on my own, with my own space. I knew how to budget, how to pay bills, how to run a household, and I did that while under my parents roof tending to a dying parent.

 

I know several people though that I certainly have encouraged them to live independently first. My sister at 26, still living at home has no idea what the world entails. My Mother did everything for her, including pack her lunches and do her laundry, I'm sure if she was alive she would still be doing it. My sister cannot function without someone doing everything for her, we always joke that the real world will be a huge shock for her. I fear her moving from home into a home with her boyfriend. She is not ready. She needs to experience 'the real world' alone and independently.

 

Its very subjective and most of all personal. No two people are the same, no two relationships are the same. What worked for one, doesn't work for the other, or apply to the other.

 

I think there is alot to be said about the age of 25. Doesn't mean its right. Doesn't mean it will guarantee you a lifetime of happiness in your marriage. Just that alot 'generally' happens around the age of 25 that makes that number seem 'pretty good' guideline to follow.

[SayWhen]

Well, I never have wanted to live by myself AT ALL...that is not desirable to me at all. In fact, after my last relationship ended, even though I could afford to keep living in the apartment (that I paid for, no help from anyone including my ex) I moved home because I didn't want to be alone. That's just my personality. I can see why it's a goal for some to live alone...it's just not for me.

 

Funny how our definition of "adult" has changed so much. Also, while I do feel it's important to experience different relationships...I also acknowledge that sometimes you find the right one on the first go.

[_Asti_]

Well, I never have wanted to live by myself AT ALL...that is not desirable to me at all. In fact, after my last relationship ended, even though I could afford to keep living in the apartment (that I paid for, no help from anyone including my ex) I moved home because I didn't want to be alone. That's just my personality. I can see why it's a goal for some to live alone...it's just not for me.

 

Funny how our definition of "adult" has changed so much. Also, while I do feel it's important to experience different relationships...I also acknowledge that sometimes you find the right one on the first go.

 

I was always the firm believer in the whole 'you dont need to experience other people to know what you have in front of you' You canc ertainly see 'what else is out there' by looking at friends, family, etc and what they experience, what they go through, what their relationships are like. I learned alot from watching and observing and listening to other people and the crap they go through. I don't need to be out there experiencing it myself!

 

If you're questioning your relationship, what else is out there, etc, then yes explore it.

 

But I dont think its a necessary thing. But thats because I have only ever been in one relationship. And yes, I did find the one for me on the first go, and I sure ain't letting him go.

[OptomisticGirl]

 

Funny how our definition of "adult" has changed so much. Also, while I do feel it's important to experience different relationships...I also acknowledge that sometimes you find the right one on the first go.

 

See, that, I don't agree with. If I had went with my first love it would have ended in divorce. That relationship was toxic and I should have exited a long time ago. I do think some people, one in a million, get it right the first time but very rarely.

 

My sister sounds like yours Asti. She does have a child and a husband (at 19 no less) but they live with his dad and she has always run to my mom for help. It was one of the biggiest arguments I gave my mom when I was telling her I was moving to England. I have been on my own since I was 17 and haven't been able to rely on anyone until CS came along, my sister is always going to have to have my mom near to clean uip her messes.

[lostnscared]

I think it's important here that everyone realizes that we ALL have different personal goals prior to marriage. And that obviously that has less to do with age, and more to do with the person. But on average a 20-24 year old is LESS likely to be mentally, emotionally, or financially prepared to get married, and a person 25-30 is MORE likely. Of course there are exceptions and cases where that doesn't apply, but on average, and for the most part that is what it is. Whether you live with someone before marriage or not is really just a "preference". I never wanted to live with a man prior to marriage that I was not engaged to, because I just think it undermines the commitment of marriage(my personal opinion) but I respect and understand those who live together if that is what they desire. But that aside, I think that there certain goals each couple and individual has.

I've always had personal goals that I wanted to accomplish before marrying, and living by myself was just one of them. I also knew that once I got married I would like to have kids very soon after--something that most people advise against. It just really depends. I just think though, that for the most part, the older you are the better it is for marriage, but that doesn't undermine ALL marriages for younger couples.

I do think though that stats speak for themselves, and that people should at least consider those, but they also should assess their relationship prior to making the decision to marry(and that is irregardless of age).

[SayWhen]

See, that, I don't agree with. If I had went with my first love it would have ended in divorce. That relationship was toxic and I should have exited a long time ago. I do think some people, one in a million, get it right the first time but very rarely.

 

My sister sounds like yours Asti. She does have a child and a husband (at 19 no less) but they live with his dad and she has always run to my mom for help. It was one of the biggiest arguments I gave my mom when I was telling her I was moving to England. I have been on my own since I was 17 and haven't been able to rely on anyone until CS came along, my sister is always going to have to have my mom near to clean uip her messes.

 

Well, I personally never felt 100% sure about marriage until now despite having been very committed to three other people in the past. One I lived with for about two years...would have ended in divorce if we had married. I'm just saying you can find the right one with the first one...I know that is the case with a few people on here (I think Asti is one?)

[lostnscared]

Well, I personally never felt 100% sure about marriage until now despite having been very committed to three other people in the past. One I lived with for about two years...would have ended in divorce if we had married. I'm just saying you can find the right one with the first one...I know that is the case with a few people on here (I think Asti is one?)

 

See my first bf was when I was 16 and I thought I loved him. He treated me horribly and was emotionally abusive. But I believe that because of how young I was, it probably wasn't love, but just a morbid relationship. I met my now current bf a year later, and it was as different experience, and I felt that he was my first true love. But I guess it just depends.

I do believe this is Asti's first love.

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree, it can happen, and I would consider Asti in that very select group. For a lot of us that first love is just toxic and one of the many stepping stones in maturing in our own way. I know a lot of people have said I should have more relationships before marrying but like Asti said, I found my guy. I found him on the second round but I know (mostly due to ENA what makes a good relationship and what makes a bad one and our relationship is the healthiest one I have ever been in with anyone in my life.

[SayWhen]

I'm sure one of the biggest motivating factors for marrying vs divorce vs not marrying in the bracket of 20-24 has to do with the party culture that we have here. I actually only know of one other person my age who does NOT party. I used to party (hard) between the ages of 15-19 (too hard in fact)...it's funny, after I turned 21 I hardly drink anymore. I'm sure many that age still want to participate in that and still want to take all that comes with it which does mean things such as one night stands and flings (which I have done)...very much an immaturity/non-committal phase that I think in some cases is important in maturing as a person...but it seems to last longer and longer. The downside to leaving that phase earlier than most has been that I do not relate well to my peers. In fact, most of my friends are over the age of 30. I have one friend who is 23, and everyone else is older than that, some by quite a bit (in their 40's). I guess that could be perceived as "weird" by some but I am very turned off by most my own age. That probably explains why my partner is 30.

[_Asti_]

I didn't date around because I just didn't feel like anyone was worth it. I wasn't interested in dating, didn't all throughout highschool, focused on myself, and learned alot from my friends miserable relationships that they went through time and time again.

I vowed to myself to not waste my time with someone. I knew what I was after oddly enough.

But perhaps its also because I never experienced the whole fireworks, someone takes my breath away thing with someone that was mutual. I could have had some crappy experiences, but just no one was interested, or I wasn't interested.

 

I had no intentions of dating my fiance when we met. We built a great friendship that turned into an absolutely amazing romance that just grew and grew and grew. And that's not always typical. I gave 'the friend' a chance, and not many people do. I was cautious, we dated for many months, and things moved really slow. Maybe thats why we succeeded, I don't know. But the connection and compatibility is there and something we've worked at and something we created together, and certainly am not settling because the chemistry is insane and the love is deep.

 

I think overall, things weren't 'typical' but I knew overall how strong and healthy the relationship was, and that came from comparing myself to friends and family, and even just reading around online. You don't need to experience other things if what you have is good.

[SayWhen]

Asti, from what I have read you have a wonderful relationship with your FH...I don't doubt that at all. I'm sure you two will have a wonderful marriage and I'm honestly glad to hear of a couple who worked out as being each others first.

[doiiiieeezie]

There is no golden age to "get married". First, you have to believe in the following:

 

1- That everyone will find someone by the age of 23-25 romantically. As you can tell by this board and others that you may encounter in life, that is not always the case. Some people find their partner when they are 15, others at 65. I can tell you that marriage and finding someone to spend my life with in my early 20s was the last thing on my mind. Everyones life experience will be different.

 

2-You have to believe in the theory of the "one". Love simply is not enough, and true compatibility is rare. You will change throughout your 20s and 30s, heck even in your 50s. The key to finding someone who has the same morals and beliefs as you that will keep you going in the good and bad times is not a pick and choose matter. Sure he or she can look hot, the sex is good and you get along. However, when beauty goes and your health declines, can you still find yourself being with that same person?

 

True pure love is not something that you can throw away... and I think society has made many people feel that they are not complete if they don't achieve a certain milestone within a time frame. Why is there such a rush?

[lostnscared]

See for the couples I know who divorced, it wasn't so much the party "factor", but just a certain immaturity, unwillingness to compromise, not necessarily being ready, finances, not realizing how difficult it would be years down the road, and then changing and growing in opposite directions that fueled the divorces. Typically from what I've seen the "partiers" aren't the ones that are getting married early, it's the committed types that are.

 

I still go out, and I drink, and I party. Not as hard as I once did. But I drink pretty hard some weekends, lol. I don't know, even if I got married, I would continue to do so, because I like to drink(especially wine) and I don't view partying(obviously in moderation) as something that is hindering to a marriage. If I had children, I can see that side of me changing drastically, but for marriage, not so much. Then again I probably go to a club twice a month(which isn't very much).

[_Asti_]

Asti, from what I have read you have a wonderful relationship with your FH...I don't doubt that at all. I'm sure you two will have a wonderful marriage and I'm honestly glad to hear of a couple who worked out as being each others first.

 

I wasn't his first.

He was in a previous long term relationship, three years, and they lived together. He had a string of dates, a terrible one night stand, and then met me. And I think part of our success is his personal experience with dating and his maturity [he is 5 years older] He knew what he wanted as well, and when we met he didn't want a BS filled, game playing relationship, and I know a large part of our success is how much he brings to the table, the no nonesense, straightforward commitment, communication, etc..but he got that from his dating experience.

[lostnscared]

Very good points to bring up..

[SayWhen]

I could not agree more.

[SayWhen]

I wasn't his first.

He was in a previous long term relationship, three years, and they lived together. He had a string of dates, a terrible one night stand, and then met me. And I think part of our success is his personal experience with dating and his maturity [he is 5 years older] He knew what he wanted as well, and when we met he didn't want a BS filled, game playing relationship, and I know a large part of our success is how much he brings to the table, the no nonesense, straightforward commitment, communication, etc..but he got that from his dating experience.

 

Ah, I see...I knew you were with your first, just assumed that meant for him too. Experience is invaluable...especially when it comes to the bad experiences, since that's what determines the value of a good one in a lot of cases, but obviously you know when you have it good regardless.

[longdist]

As an observation, I have noticed that most of the people on this thread supporting young marriage are people that are young who are engaged. The thread has also gotten very personal instead of staying on topic, despite what was said earlier. Please don't get defensive, but are you trying to justify each others' decision to get married while young? I don't think age is as much of a factor for marriage success as much the inherent reason for wanting to get married. Are you marrying the person or the idea?