The age of 25

[lavenderdove]

I (and perhaps your friends) are questioning the hastiness of your desire to marry becuase in May-July you were still posting about your prior ex and loving him such as: 'I am still in love with him, although I HATE admitting that fact, it's the truth. '

 

And then two weeks later, you are moving in with someone else!

 

You have to be very careful becuase you appear to be prone to very hasty decisions and hopping from man to man, and that could well repeat itself with this marriage. You were pining for another man a couple months ago, and you think marriage to another man will be the solution and that affection last your whole life?

 

Honey, you need to SLOW DOWN and not rush into anything at all. Why rush to marry if he is the right guy, and especially if you were in love with another man so recently.

 

At your age, it is very common for allegiances to shift among men very quickly... and don't assume just because you ARE married that your emotions won't shift, because a marriage license doesn't guarantee that. You give your marriage a better chance if you wait until you are really sure he is the guy for you, and that he proves to be so after the first flush of romance is past.

[OptomisticGirl]

You're takling about Saywhen, right lavenderdove?

[SayWhen]

My "allegiances" did not change, my ex left me. I honestly would have kept trying but he didn't want to. I was still honoring our commitment. Moving in with him after six weeks was one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself and I still stand by that despite the outcome. I missed him after the last time I saw him, pining for him, but that's not love. That's grief, and it's normal. My current partner was with me through it all...and I am very committed to him. No one I'm close to questions the time because they know our relationship and they know us. What works for some does not work for others, and I acknowledge that. For us, waiting for several years is not what we want. He's 30, and has had a lot of experience, so this is not about two immature and inexperienced people rushing to the alter, but if that's what anyone sees, the I respect that and perhaps I would see the same from the outside.

[longdist]

I know this will sound offensive and personal....... but I'm just trying to help. I think the root of the engagement for you OptomisticGirl and SayWhen is the fear of abandonment. SayWhen had just gotten out of a relationship and was heart broken. I think for all 3rd parties here that we can see that the big issue is the quick engagement afterward. For you OG, CS had gotten out of a similar situation somewhat recently (as I'm very sure you know). I saw postings about this as recent as April 2009. On top of that, CS is a child of divorce. W/o even knowing that CS is engaged, I would predict someone with that combination would have abandonment issues (not necessarily long term). Fear of abandonment is not the right reason for marriage. Although, it does very well explain the hasty engagements. Afterall, why else is there a hurry where you can't wait a year or two for marriage? If you were in your late 30s, it would be one thing, but you're all young and don't need to hurry. Obviously age can play a factor in the abandonment issue because many people have been in few relationships and take it very hard each time one is broken off. As you grow older, you learn to have more realistic expectations. Obviously 25 can be old enough for this.

 

I know I will get many defensive statements and rightfully so.. However, I just ask that you think about what I'm saying. I'm obviously no psychologist, but please open your eyes to this thought (if you haven't already). I'm not stating these things to attack you. I'm sincerely just trying to help. Maybe you have even talked about these issues with your significant others already.

[SayWhen]

Like I said, I know how it seems to those who don't know me or my FH or our relationship. Everyone here knows what they are talking about, just from different perspectives. No two people are the same and every situation has to be looked at differently. I do respect everything that's been said, and my FH and I have discussed all of these aspects of our relationship and ourselves. And if you must know, one of our struggles was that I backed off from him a lot and questioned being with him so soon...but events that occurred after that, I know no one would be as good for me and to me as he is, and I to him. So I would not call that a fear of abandonment or obsessively holding onto whoever I can get. I don't know all the background on CS and OG but I do know they are a strong couple NOW and hopefully for many years to come...and I think thats what really counts.

[lavenderdove]

I don't think anyone is suggesting that you have to give him up, just questioning why you are rushing into a marriage when you (a) were totally in love with someone else just a few months ago and (b) you will have known him barely a year by the time you marry him.

 

I think everyone (and your friends) is just giving you advice to err on the side of caution, as divorce is so incredibly painful and disruptive, 10 times worse than a breakup when you've not married...

 

If you are indeed perfect for each other in a way that can go the distance, then waiting a couple years more won't harm you or the relationship and goes a long way towards making sure it is the right decision, proven over time. But if you are rebounding from a big love into the arms of someone who you see as stable (his own home etc.), you run the risk what you really were rushing towards was a sense of security, not him as a person, and you could wake up in a few years and realize the main reason you rushed into marriage was an impulse for a safe harbor and security rather than a wise, well considered choice.

 

Nothing is better than a GOOD marriage, but nothing is worse than being trapped in a bad one, or waking up one day and realizing you rushed into something due to running away from the loss of a prior relationship. He may be a lovely person and it may be perfect, but you still have everything to gain by waiting a couple years to marry him, and everything to lose if you marry him in a rush and then later realize you were too young or on the rebound and it was a mistake.

[civilservant]

I have to say that if I was a mod I would have shut this thread down by now, because its moving away from the topic and becoming FAR too personal...

[civilservant]

Im not going to get definsive, Im simply going to say this. If I want your comment on my issues I'll ask for it thanks. I havent been involved in this thread, so to sit there are assisinate my character in such a way is not only factually inaccurate, but completely unwarranted or asked for.

[Sparkly Eyes]

You know, I think age plays an important role in maturity but it's not all about age. Some people are not ready to get married well into their thirties....Some want that in early twenties. Personally I agree with the ones who say there shouldn't be any rush. If you are in your early twenties and happy, well wait a few years before you make the next step. Then you will just know that you made the right decision.

[lostnscared]

You know, I think age plays an important role in maturity but it's not all about age. Some people are not ready to get married well into their thirties....Some want that in early twenties. Personally I agree with the ones who say there shouldn't be any rush. If you are in your early twenties and happy, well wait a few years before you make the next step. Then you will just know that you made the right decision.

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Though I know that is OG and CS situation it's a bit different, they are LDR so a waiting a couple of more years would probably be torture. Anyway I think that overall age is a factor--maybe even a large factor, but I also think other components are just as important and probably explain why CERTAIN individuals get divorced when they marry at a certain point in their lives. My parents got married at 23. And lasted just about 25 years. The first 10 were EXTREMELY difficult, because they were young, and broke(even with their college education) and had kids shortly after being married. They struggled. Boy did they struggle. But after those 10 years there were good times. The second ten years were really good, my parents were doing better financially, they were happy, they were more established, stable, and were were older, so it wasn't as hard. The last 5 years of their marriage was absolutely miserable. And that was when they had the MOST money, they were MOST stable, in their forties, and both wiser. It just appeared that money (greed even in their case), values (change in) and both of them veering in different directions that caused the divorce to occur.

[lostnscared]

Wow this thread has gotten pretty personal.

 

I think that people are obviously concerned for some of the posters. But seems like it may be getting out of line. One thing I will say is that I hope that anyone under 25 that will be getting married, at least consider some opinions by those older and wiser than them. And also make SURE that the decision is really for the best and one that should occur NOW rather than a couple of years from now--especially if you've only been with your so for less than 6 months.

[OptomisticGirl]

Luckily I don't have to answer to anyone but myself in this situation and I know the reasons why I'm getting married, none of which you listed. I do find it highly insulting though that someone who has never had a personal conversation with me or my fiance, can be so judgemental. Why? Because your're 28? I don't know your story or your life but believe me, you know NOTHING of what I have been through in life, and at 22 I found a wonderful, compassionate man that just happens to live 4,000 miles away and I fell in love with him. I'm not going to go by society standards just because it's the 'proper' thing to do.

 

And, what I what to know is why it would be okay for a 34 to rush into marriage? Have we not been talking about the importance of marriage in this thread? So, please, explain to this poor idiotic 22 year old that who apparently can't make a mature decision in her life because she's not 25 how there is a difference? Why, because if they want children and haven't got them they are allowed to rush into just to have children? That's pretty biased if I say so myself. A lot of us, including lostnscared and I, have always wanted children. Only difference is I'm not putting off something I want for 4 more years to satisfy society.

[lostnscared]

Honestly I think you have the right outlook about it. My reasoning for not getting married, has very little to do with the stats. I think they should be considered, but honestly people do LET society have too much control over decisions we make. The statistics are constantly changing. Not to mention that if we do everything that stat's told us we would all be brainwashed drones.

Yes age is important. But not because of statistics as much as it is, where you are in life, what you've accomplished, and how much change may occur within you within the next 3-10 years. A normal 22 year old probably isn't ready for marriage, but one that has endured a different sort of life, and who is genuinely prepared, equipped, and ready, may not have the same sort of "ending" as that "normal" 22 year old.

 

I'm surprised this thread hasn't been closed. I def. think that poster went way too personal with that response...

[newwave]

I just want to state my responses are NOT aimed at anyone in particular, which I stated earlier. I will say though that I get concerned with posters state they want to have kids now so that's why they are marrying. I know many of you argue about this, but if you are in your 20's you probably still have time. Yes it can be more risks as you get older, but no guarantees you (you in general) can even have kids or couldn't into your 40's. In my opinion this can be dangerous because I know many people who had kids earlly and divorced early.

 

Do I think 22 is too early? You bet. The stats back this up and everyone I know who married at that age is now divorced.

[civilservant]

I just want to state my responses are NOT aimed at anyone in particular, which I stated earlier. I will say though that I get concerned with posters state they want to have kids now so that's why they are marrying. I know many of you argue about this, but if you are in your 20's you probably still have time. Yes it can be more risks as you get older, but no guarantees you (you in general) can even have kids or couldn't into your 40's. In my opinion this can be dangerous because I know many people who had kids earlly and divorced early.

 

Do I think 22 is too early? You bet. The stats back this up and everyone I know who married at that age is now divorced.

 

And that makes it a fact? No

 

Theres a well known saying.. "There are lies, damn lies, and then there are statistics"

 

You can use statistics to justify almost anything.

[OptomisticGirl]

I just want to state my responses are NOT aimed at anyone in particular, which I stated earlier. I will say though that I get concerned with posters state they want to have kids now so that's why they are marrying. I know many of you argue about this, but if you are in your 20's you probably still have time. Yes it can be more risks as you get older, but no guarantees you (you in general) can even have kids or couldn't into your 40's. In my opinion this can be dangerous because I know many people who had kids earlly and divorced early.

 

Do I think 22 is too early? You bet. The stats back this up and everyone I know who married at that age is now divorced.

 

WE aren't getting married just because we want children. We also love each other and frankly, I don't have to tell anyone the reasons why we are getting married. So what if I have plenty of time to have children? I have always wanted to be a young mom. Just because that goes against society doesn't mean it's wrong.

 

Luckily not everyone does get divorced at my age. I don'tthink there are exceptions as I said before, ANYONE, including someone your age newwave could get married and divorced by taking one wrong step.

[newwave]

Ok since both of you thought I was talking to you, I will ask you both specifically, why are you getting married when you've only known each other less than a year and long distance at most of that? I think it's dangerous and yes I've been there myself. I dated a guy long distance for a year, only by this long distance he only lived about 5 hours away. He too wanted to marry me and I was going to do it. I had the bliss. We even tried to have a child indirectly by not using birth control (thankfully it didn't happen). Once I woke from my fantasy I realized it was a bad choice. i could barely support myself then and he couldn't either. If we had married we'd be divorced now. Marriage shouldn't be taken lightly and I would never consider it unless I spent a lot of in person time with them, maybe even lived with them for awhile because I believe marriage is forever and do not feel "well if it doesn't workout I can divorce".

[OptomisticGirl]

Honestly those reasons are our own, and we owe no one else an explanation as to why we are getting married. Just because your LDR didn't work out doesn't mean ours won't. As I have said before, CS and I do not take marriage lightly. I'm sorry if everyone feels we are doing the wrong thing but we do not feel that way. I'm sorry some people see being married before 25 as wrong and that is your right to think that. But my relationship is not the purpose of this thread as neither is Saywhen's. The topic was should people get married before 25.

[lostnscared]

I do think the topic went off point.

 

But Newwave even if one does want to get married and ONE of the reasons are to have children, what is wrong with that? Would you prefer that a young couple have a child out of wedlock instead? I don't think that it's really anyone's business WHY anyone chooses to get married. Even if you don't agree with it, it really just isn't your business.

I'm not getting married for another 2 or so years, but I do prefer to be a young mother. Yes supposedly we do have all the time in the world(not really) but I prefer and have always wanted to be a young mother. I don't think there is anything wrong with the woman who prefer to have children in their thirties and forties but I always felt that I would be a better, more energized mother when I was younger.

[Firiel]

I do think the topic went off point.

I'm not getting married for another 2 or so years, but I do prefer to be a young mother. Yes supposedly we do have all the time in the world(not really) but I prefer and have always wanted to be a young mother. I don't think there is anything wrong with the woman who prefer to have children in their thirties and forties but I always felt that I would be a better, more energized mother when I was younger.

 

I've always wanted to be a young(er) mother as well. I don't want to be starting my family in my early thirties. I want a lot of kids, and so I kind of have to start earlier. Plus, the younger you are when you have kids, the more time you get to spend with your hypothetical future grandkids.

[OptomisticGirl]

I've always wanted to be a young(er) mother as well. I don't want to be starting my family in my early thirties. I want a lot of kids, and so I kind of have to start earlier. Plus, the younger you are when you have kids, the more time you get to spend with your hypothetical future grandkids.

 

lol, exactly. CS and I want 4 kids and neither of us want to be in our 40's having children.

[lostnscared]

I've always wanted to be a young(er) mother as well. I don't want to be starting my family in my early thirties. I want a lot of kids, and so I kind of have to start earlier. Plus, the younger you are when you have kids, the more time you get to spend with your hypothetical future grandkids.

 

I agree. I wouldn't have it any other way. Some of us just want to be young moms. I don't think there is anything wrong with it either. I'm not waiting until I'm 30 just satisfy SOME people, because they waited until they were 30 or forty before having children. I don't think that makes me a horrible person to desire to have a baby when I'm younger, and have more energy and really like the idea of raising young full of energy children while I still have it in me.

 

Since I was 16 I knew I would most likely pop out at least 2 babies before I was 30. It just was something I knew. Nothing wrong with it. We don't really have all the time in the world, if you think about it either. There ARE risks to having children in your late thirties, early forties. It takes time to conceive, and if you want a lot of children, and want to space them apart, you may be looking at a longer time-span of having kids. So no I wouldn't wait until I was 30 to have children, even if society thinks I should. It's just not happening.

[newwave]

I don't care if someone gets married early, but yes I do worry about the kids. Marriage young either means postponing kids (not a bad idea) or in many cases having kids one isn't ready for financially or emotionally. I'm not saying one has to be a CEO before having kids, but they should be able to completely support them without relying on outside help, whether parents or worse taxpayers. I still don't get why people are saying young mothers are more energized. My experience actually has been the opposite because all of the older women I know who had kids had them after they were done with the climbing the ladders in their early 20's. By the time they had children their careers were settled so they had more money to spend on their kids and likely time too.

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't care if someone gets married early, but yes I do worry about the kids. Marriage young either means postponing kids (not a bad idea) or in many cases having kids one isn't ready for financially or emotionally. I'm not saying one has to be a CEO before having kids, but they should be able to completely support them without relying on outside help, whether parents or worse taxpayers. I still don't get why people are saying young mothers are more energized. My experience actually has been the opposite because all of the older women I know who had kids had them after they were done with the climbing the ladders in their early 20's. By the time they had children their careers were settled so they had more money to spend on their kids and likely time too.

 

There is nothign wrong with postponing if that's what the couple wants, just like if a young couple has the means to care for a child why not have them? CS has a very well paying job, we would never have children if we did not feel financially or emotionally stable. I agree people should not have children if they are not prepared. I don't know if 20 year old mothers are more energized than 30 year old mothers, but I know I don't want to be over 40 having my 4th child when we are more than ready to have a child early on. If you live your life by what others deem right, then is it really your life you living?

[lostnscared]

I don't care if someone gets married early, but yes I do worry about the kids. Marriage young either means postponing kids (not a bad idea) or in many cases having kids one isn't ready for financially or emotionally. I'm not saying one has to be a CEO before having kids, but they should be able to completely support them without relying on outside help, whether parents or worse taxpayers. I still don't get why people are saying young mothers are more energized. My experience actually has been the opposite because all of the older women I know who had kids had them after they were done with the climbing the ladders in their early 20's. By the time they had children their careers were settled so they had more money to spend on their kids and likely time too.

 

This is true. But like you said, if one has no aim to be a CEO than for all intent and purposes climbing up the "ladder" in your twenties to accumulate wealth and therefore have children when your wealthier doesn't have any bearing on those who are young having children. But one having a child in their early twenties doesn't mean they aren't financially stable. I know several people older than me that don't make as much as I do, or as my bf does. So I think that their is some sort of myth that one cannot be financially stable in their twenties but can in their thirties. If I waited just three more years I would make enough to live quite well in the place I live in, and have children. And I would be 26 at that time. That is still young, but I would be able to afford children. I personally have no desire to climb up a career ladder. My profession, for all intent and purposes, will most likely be "dibbling and dabbling" into various projects and I probably will never be a CEO or anything like that. Neither will my bf. So there is no reason for us to wait 10 more years to meet a goal that we don't have.

Besides I don't want to have kids when I'm 35-45. That's just too old to me(no offense). I've always wanted to be a young mother. My bf has always wanted kids a little younger. And I don't think there is anything wrong with it.