Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[sky09]

I always thought we were a different couple, and if times like these were upon us, things would be different as well. But they're not. We're going thru a classical breakup routine, as if we were programmed from birth (but most likely by societal norms) to do things that we are doing to each other right now. After this many years, I can sense a definite presence of lack of respect. If anything, we should have been able to be considerate and respectful of each other's boundaries right now, but we are not. I use "we" a lot here, as I am trying to avoid placing any blame, as I'm just as much at fault here. I hope we both learn from this experience, learn how to forgive and keep our faces. Time heals. Every time I feel better, we seem to find a way to run into each other and the clock starts over again. I know, I will see you again very soon. Maybe it will be one of the last times in a long while, I don't know. We still have some unfinished business to attend to. Hindsight is always 20/20.

Until then, I wish you only the best. I hope you find happiness in this life, you just have to believe in yourself. I do.

[janut1]

Dear G,

 

I am thinking less and less of you these days. Which I am so happy about really! I have lots of distractions in my life which is helping. I have lost over 25 lbs and am close to my first weight loss goal. I'm working out 3 times a week and as hard as that is, I keep moving forward.

 

I was contacted by a old high school boyfriend and it has been great getting to know him again even if we are just friends. I am starting to open up to dating again, which is a big step for me.

 

Do I miss you? Yes and I still love you too. But I know that its time to shut that door, and open a new one because there is more to do before I leave this planet. And hopefully I will find the one that just knocks me off my feet and becomes my life partner for the last half of life.

 

I don't see that future with you as I once did, and I am happy about that. You and I just weren't meant to be. I hope the new gal is making you laugh and that you are having fun. I'm sure you are, because I can remember how much fun we had together. I also hope that you actually learn how to communicate with her so you can have a open loving relationship and stop cheating on people who love you. But like many have told me, tigers don't change their stripes that easily. As much as we spoke about this when we were together, you need therapy to figure out why you do what you do. BUT Its not my place to tell you how to live your life any longer as your actions don't affect me now.

 

I am hoping in the next couple of months to not even want to write you here on ENA. Of course being the person I am, I love with everything in me. So it takes me time to remove that love from my heart. I'm okay with that and am in no rush to love someone else like that for awhile to cover it up. I have learned a lot about the things I want in a relationship. I took out my wish list for my next partner that I made before I met you and realized that you weren't even close to what I wanted. I wanted a honest healthy loving relationship. Someone I could talk to about anything even if its a tough discussion. Someone who is sexually compatible, someone who has integrity, and is honest and true. The only checks you made was someone fun to be with who can make me laugh.

 

So goodbye and good luck.

 

J

[Joanne19852010]

Just Stop now.

[star554]

Oh A-----, I miss you I miss getting texts from you. I miss telling you about the randomness that pops in my head. I miss knowing there's someone out there I can count on completely and unconditionally. I miss telling you my little daily anecdotes. I miss waking upto a sweet message.

 

I keep trying to piece together a timeline of when things went wrong. When you started straying from me and talking to her. I keep trying to pinpoint what it is that I did to give you that push. That push that made you turn your back on us altogether... forever... permanently.

 

I wish I could talk to you... even now. Tell you about that Italian waiter that called me "bella" and I thought was saying "bala" - so he had to repeat it (embarrassingly). Or that girl at the gym that asked me if I was interested in competing. *sighs*

 

You're doing well in your new life - it's like I never existed. I guess I wouldn't know what to say to you anymore. It's sad to think we're pretty much strangers now.

[invisibleheart]

Please come back.. be with me again.. please.. I am ready now, I'll give everything for you and show you we are so meant to be together. Please.. I miss you so much..

[bananas13]

Every time I think I'm making progress, you somehow manage to remind me that you're still around. Stop sending me Snapchats. Stop texting me photos. Every time you do, I have the urge to spill my guts and tell you I still love you and I miss you... but I don't. Because I don't love you. Unfortunately I've always just loved the idea of you, and I'm fairly certain you never really loved me either. But for some reason I have put you on this pedestal, because I admire your intelligence & talent, and the fact that you have so many friends, and that I find you very physically attractive.

 

I keep having to remind myself that you were a horrible boyfriend. You were never there when I needed you, I was always put on the back burner in your life.

 

- You weren't there in March when I went through that traumatizing procedure that YOU were half to blame for. In fact, you were upset that I didn't consider how busy you were with school.

- You got so jealous when I would talk to your roommate or your friend, because you believed I was attracted to them. So I stopped basic social interaction with them, even though they were my friends, to make you happy because I just wanted to please you and ease your mind.

- You were so manipulative. I drove you everywhere, because you had no car. You made it seem like we were doing things together, but really you just made me believe things were in my best interest so I would help you fulfill your selfish needs.

- When you were having a financial crisis, I helped you. You seemed so grateful at the time, thanking me, telling me you'd do it for me. You never did.

- I gave and I gave and I gave, and I was doing it because I legitimately cared about you, not because I needed anything in return. But there's only so much you can give before you become drained of your resources.

- When you were at YOUR LOWEST point and could not tell ANYONE what was going on in your head due to shame (you had an ego, and an 'image' to maintain), I was there. I was the only one who knew about your mental illness. I talked you down from a panic attack for FOUR HOURS via text because you were overseas. I dropped everything to help you, and I would have any day. I thought I could save you, and that was my mistake.

 

But this... this is the one thing I did that I truly regret. I was a blatant fool for doing this and everyone knew it:

- I flew to Vegas for you. I flew to Vegas to see you for FIVE HOURS this summer during your layover. I bought a plane ticket, got a hotel room, spent way too much money on a rental car. Now, this might not seem like a big deal, but I didn't have expendable money. I picked you up at the airport, took you to dinner, took you back to the room I purchased so you could shower, and took you back to the airport. You had me right where you wanted me. You looked me in the eye and said "I love you so much, and I want you to know that no matter how hard it gets, you never have to worry. I'm yours. I'm in this. This is real."

 

Oh man, I believed you. I believed you so much that I let you get away with contacting me once a week via email while you were working away. And when those emails got more and more scarce, I truly believed you wanted to talk to me, but just couldn't because you were so busy. And that may or may not have been true, but all I know is that once you had free time and access to a phone, you didn't call. You didn't text. You didn't care what I was doing. You didn't care what I had been up to all summer.

 

I was a fool. I fell for your manipulative bull. You decided that you were too messed up for 'something real'. You said you wanted to leave, that you were repulsed by the people in your life and your social circle. You said "it's not you, I just don't want to be in something so real in a place I hate so much."

 

I try to see the good in people, and I tried to blame everything on your BPD, but it wasn't an excuse anymore. You didn't want to get better. Apparently what we had wasn't enough. You just proved to me that what you said, and seemed so sincere about in Vegas, was a lie. I feel so stupid.

 

And now, you're still here. You decided not to move, and I see you everywhere. And as my heart starts racing every time I see you in public, I try to ward off panic attacks because IT HURTS SO MUCH TO SEE YOU. And word from our friends is that it "isn't awkward at all" for you to see me. Cool. I'm SO glad that was easy for you to get over, because while I'm dying inside, after you used me and manipulated me and made me believe you loved me, you're moving on as if nothing happened. No. You don't get to try to be my friend now.

 

All I want now is the strength to not fall apart when I see you and to hopefully forget you ever happened.

 

(Wow, that was long, but very cathartic... I needed that).

[janut1]

Dear G

 

Happy Birthday! I hope you are having a great day. Before we broke up I had started to make reservations for your birthday. I had the hotel reserved and was watching flights. It was going to be a surprise! We were going to Vegas for your birthday! You had told me many times how you had never been but really wanted to go and I was going to take you! I was so excited about it all and was trying hard not to tell you about it.

 

Obviously, I cancelled everything once you left me in the cowardly way that you did. I'm sure "she" is treating you well today.

 

J

[trishlove]

I told you I didn’t want to be friends. Spending time with you last night ended up with me spitting out venomous words while you take cover like your life depends on it. There goes my façade of being calm and nice. Let’s stop being friends before we reach the point where we can’t be friends even if we’ve both truly moved on. My mental state is, as of now, very unstable. Would you want to spend time with a mentally unstable person? It feels like sitting beside a ticking time bomb!

 

I know you can’t live with or without me, but baby, you can’t have your cake and eat it to. You have the chance to choose to live with or without me, and by breaking up with me you chose to live without me. So get the hell away from me, and shove your friendship up your ass!

[trishlove]

why did you promise forever when you didn't mean it?

[MonWedFri]

We could be so happy together. We truly love each other, and you call me your "soulmate". Yet no one I know chooses someone they just met over their soulmate. I came back to you crying twice, to open my heart, to say that I was truly sorry for destroying what we had by breaking up with you.

 

In turn, you destroyed me twice over. You said you wanted to be alone the first time, and that was a sham. I ask myself how you are moved on from us, but I keep seeing that I have only myself to blame for not treasuring you as much as I should have. I guess I deserve the reality I have created for us and for myself, but you know we could have it different again. And you choose the safe path, the path that leads away from true love.

 

If what we had was true love, 6 months shouldn't have let it fade. You gave me a firm decision, yet I still can't help thinking--wishing--there's hope for us again. But now to talk to you would feel wrong, like I was being too forceful, forward, and a creep.

 

How on earth can we have gone from being each other's entire world to me feeling like I repulse you?

 

You are confused and looking for what we had. Your certainty just seems like utter confusion to me, like a bandaid...but I'm here. And I'm afraid I'll always be here for you. But I have to move on....but I know I still probably haven't truly dealt with the pain and the anger inside. It's like we're even now...I broke your heart, you broke mine.

[invisibleheart]

I almost almost email you today, glad I did not manage to send it! I regret even sending you those emails. Ugh. Its over. Its over.

[trishlove]

I don't want to feel this way anymore. It kind of made me wish that we didn't start a relationship in the first place. So many memories are drowning my mind and it is so painful remembering them. I wish I can just forget them. I really wish I could.

[IAmFCA]

Its Monday. I bet you email me tomorrow. You used to ice me for the weekend, then tune in again on Tuesday. It is how your energy level and stress level works.

 

Alternatively, knowing I have a man and that I will not cheat on that man by email may have been enough to ice it for you. If so, godspeed back to your wife, to whom I wish you were mentally faithful.

 

How sad to marry when months before you send a 2:00 am message "I made a mistake!" out of context, no explanation. I knew what it meant. I could not rescue you because I knew that even if I kept you as my own, I would never marry you. I could not rescue you and then send you out into the cold, single and afraid.

 

Its funny, I remember thinking that then, but not focusing on it, because I enjoyed the experience of being in your spell. The mind is a fascinating piece of work. If I had brought that idea to the fore, it would have leaked out. I could not hurt you like that.

 

There is some sort of weird affection according to which we look out for each other in the weirdest way. I do not understand it.

 

Anyway, ttyl.

 

UPDATE just got your email. A perfectly respectful, warm, reminiscent email "I remember those quiet nights" Yes, they were nice. Its like the affection remains, even if the relationship is over? Dunno. Whatevs.

[just]

Patience.

 

I am being patient.

 

I am giving you the space you asked for.

 

All I want to do, though, is crawl into your bed, wrap myself around you, and never let go.

 

All I wish I could do is take away your pain and replace it with contentment.

 

Instead I will be patient and hope that you give me the chance to make so many good memories and feelings with you that they dwarf the bad ones.

 

I hope you had a good day today.

 

Always thinking of you.

[Hazyillusions]

I'm glad we got to talk on Skype this morning. Nearly 4 hours of convo which could have been a lot longer if not for my need to sleep. You're right. We still have such a strong connection. Frankly, I'm surprised you called. Now that we've made our bet...Guess either way we'll be seeing each other next year right? Meeting half way around the world.

[chamachama]

edit edit edit

[chamachama]

trishlove wow. I am at the same exact point as you are. I could not have written that better. But I'll give it a shot.

 

----------------------------

 

Erase everything that happened from the time you ended it with me over the phone last year to today. All the texts and sexy pics you sent me and all the random contact and the random sex (always you who starts that, not me). Because I should have never allowed you back into my life after that night in any shape or form.

 

I am so happy that I finally did what I should have done the night you spewed that absolute crap over the phone to me while you were away. And I know it in my bones something happened while you where there that led you to end it with me. Something that you did with someone else. I just know it. The result from that time last year, which should have been instant (but wasn't because I loved you) is that you have now completely 100% lost me forever. I've blocked you on every media I can think of. And unlike you, I will keep you blocked for good.

 

You are a toxic poison to every poor dude that happens to be unlucky enough to get involved with you. You're basically a monstrous parasite who entered through my privates and lodged herself in my brain. And now....you're memories. And you can take your fake friendship that you offer and shove it straight up that fine ass of yours (ala trishlove).

 

p.s. one thing is certain. You will NEVER have it as good as I gave it to you. And you know that only too well. Which is why you simply could not stop yourself from fantasizing about me sending me pics of that and trying to keep me on the hook for sex. I can definitely take solace in that. There is only one me baby. And you'll never know me like that again. I only hope that you're finally gone for good. Somehow someway I think you'll pollute my world at least one more time. Let's hope not though.

[healingishard]

i hate that when i think of romantic love i think of you. i hate that when i see reminders of other peoples happy relationships, i hurt and think of you. i hate that you used me. i hate that you crushed me. i hate that i cant reach out to you. i hate that this will never change. i hate that we will never be. i hate that it seems we live in different worlds. i hate that i cant have you. i hate that i can go an entire week and not think of you. i hate that you never think of me. i hate that you dont love me. i hate that you havent reached out to me. i hate that you dont miss me. i hate everything about you.

[quirky]

I do miss you. I do worry I will not find your assertiveness and bossiness and neediness and devotion again. Traits I actually liked. I'm trying to fogure out what to do with my evenings and myself. But I don't know if all that is enough to come back. For now I keep going and hoping life will show me what is right. Trying to trust myself.

[janut1]

Dear G,

 

I think I am on my way to finally putting this relationship away for good. I am not even thinking about you everyday, every minute like I was. You come to mind when I see a car like yours, or I think about how I cannot even remember what it was like to be with you anymore.

 

You and I were just not meant to be, period. You didn't even check many of my boxes, just maybe 2 out of 10, but I was lonely and you filled that need for me at that time. I'm not sure if I was even in love with you really. I know now that there is someone else out there that I am meant to meet.

 

Even though you are already in another relationship, I feel okay not being in one. You will just continue to recycle through women without a thought of how you hurt others with your actions. Since you are now 58, I doubt your way of being in a relationship will change unless you get a wake up call or therapy.

 

I am starting to get my self esteem back and now know that I am worth way more then how you treated me in the end. I didn't deserve that. I treated you really well, never cheated, always there for you when you needed me and tried my best to be the best person I could be with you.

 

I am excited actually about what my future holds now, WHEW! What a relief.

 

J

[thetwist]

Wow! I feel like I'm cheating! I met this really nice guy who finds me attractive and I'm actually kinda flirting with him. But I'm not really cheating because you broke up with me 25 days ago claiming that you got bored of our relationship. I can never forget the crass and flippant sentences you used when attempting to break up with me.

 

I'm glad I have gone into full NC, because you don't deserve having me in your life. Someone who cared for you, looked after you and loved you from the bottom of her heart; a heart you broke into a million tiny pieces. And now I will love myself, and try my best to move on... while you will suffer alone. You are a complete loser; someone with no friends, no degree, no job nor a proper functional life, yet I still loved you and fought for you till the very end. But you have made your choice! And there is no turning back!

[invisibleheart]

I died inside when you left me. I live but there's no more life inside of me.

[siegfri333]

I still love you, but you disgust me.

 

Not because you left, but because you lied and took me for an idiot.

 

My heart still wants to be with you, my mind thinks you're a b i tch.

[quirky]

I can't see why you uploaded all those pics from your past with your ex wife. A pic of the wedding day?? Why? This is why I couldn't relax fully, the ex is always around obviously because you have kids together. Seeing the pics of you holding your sons as babies. It's not a competition I know but you have so much history with her, it is so intimidating to me...

[sunshine34]

I know and knee things were bad, I never knew it would end this way.