bananas13

Every time I think I'm making progress, you somehow manage to remind me that you're still around. Stop sending me Snapchats. Stop texting me photos. Every time you do, I have the urge to spill my guts and tell you I still love you and I miss you... but I don't. Because I don't love you. Unfortunately I've always just loved the idea of you, and I'm fairly certain you never really loved me either. But for some reason I have put you on this pedestal, because I admire your intelligence & talent, and the fact that you have so many friends, and that I find you very physically attractive. I keep having to remind myself that you were a horrible boyfriend. You were never there when I needed you, I was always put on the back burner in your life. - You weren't there in March when I went through that traumatizing procedure that YOU were half to blame for. In fact, you were upset that I didn't consider how busy you were with school. - You got so jealous when I would talk to your roommate or your friend, because you believed I was attracted to them. So I stopped basic social interaction with them, even though they were my friends, to make you happy because I just wanted to please you and ease your mind. - You were so manipulative. I drove you everywhere, because you had no car. You made it seem like we were doing things together, but really you just made me believe things were in my best interest so I would help you fulfill your selfish needs. - When you were having a financial crisis, I helped you. You seemed so grateful at the time, thanking me, telling me you'd do it for me. You never did. - I gave and I gave and I gave, and I was doing it because I legitimately cared about you, not because I needed anything in return. But there's only so much you can give before you become drained of your resources. - When you were at YOUR LOWEST point and could not tell ANYONE what was going on in your head due to shame (you had an ego, and an 'image' to maintain), I was there. I was the only one who knew about your mental illness. I talked you down from a panic attack for FOUR HOURS via text because you were overseas. I dropped everything to help you, and I would have any day. I thought I could save you, and that was my mistake. But this... this is the one thing I did that I truly regret. I was a blatant fool for doing this and everyone knew it: - I flew to Vegas for you. I flew to Vegas to see you for FIVE HOURS this summer during your layover. I bought a plane ticket, got a hotel room, spent way too much money on a rental car. Now, this might not seem like a big deal, but I didn't have expendable money. I picked you up at the airport, took you to dinner, took you back to the room I purchased so you could shower, and took you back to the airport. You had me right where you wanted me. You looked me in the eye and said "I love you so much, and I want you to know that no matter how hard it gets, you never have to worry. I'm yours. I'm in this. This is real." Oh man, I believed you. I believed you so much that I let you get away with contacting me once a week via email while you were working away. And when those emails got more and more scarce, I truly believed you wanted to talk to me, but just couldn't because you were so busy. And that may or may not have been true, but all I know is that once you had free time and access to a phone, you didn't call. You didn't text. You didn't care what I was doing. You didn't care what I had been up to all summer. I was a fool. I fell for your manipulative bull. You decided that you were too messed up for 'something real'. You said you wanted to leave, that you were repulsed by the people in your life and your social circle. You said "it's not you, I just don't want to be in something so real in a place I hate so much." I try to see the good in people, and I tried to blame everything on your BPD, but it wasn't an excuse anymore. You didn't want to get better. Apparently what we had wasn't enough. You just proved to me that what you said, and seemed so sincere about in Vegas, was a lie. I feel so stupid. And now, you're still here. You decided not to move, and I see you everywhere. And as my heart starts racing every time I see you in public, I try to ward off panic attacks because IT HURTS SO MUCH TO SEE YOU. And word from our friends is that it "isn't awkward at all" for you to see me. Cool. I'm SO glad that was easy for you to get over, because while I'm dying inside, after you used me and manipulated me and made me believe you loved me, you're moving on as if nothing happened. No. You don't get to try to be my friend now. All I want now is the strength to not fall apart when I see you and to hopefully forget you ever happened. (Wow, that was long, but very cathartic... I needed that).