sunshine34

I was feeling wonderful yesterday. I felt empowered, confident, happier... today I miss you and I’m feeling sad and lonely. Not for who you are and how u were to me, because that was sincerely awful. But for the fantasy and dream I had for us that never came true. The one where we travel together and play in the snow.. where we can be free and happy. Where you let yourself love me. I think that is the worst part of all of this for me, that I convinced myself you were holding back, that you really could let go and love me. But when I go back and read my notes from October , I realize it’s always been this way: that you aren’t holding back, I’m seeing something that isn’t there. It’s dangerous how romantic unfulfilled love is. How alluring and painful it is. The words do hurt , the ones I can’t forget.. “I never told you I was going to marry you. You knew I was an ” that conversation was so bad, I think I’ve blocked out parts of it in my mind. Selective amnesia because it hurts too much to see how little you cared about me. I think maybe you just liked how much I would’ve done anything for you , you liked the power you had over me.. you knew I would do whatever you wanted and I was completely yours. Totally and fully, without it being reciprocated. I’m upset at myself for letting it drag on, for letting me fall and now have broken pieces when I knew this all along about you. That you are right about, and I take responsibility for staying.. I guess I really believed one day you’d let go , as if there was some sort of wall you had up to begin with . I think maybe you’re just an evil, selfish person.

This is my sanctuary, this is my place to go to vent, to refresh , to be around others that are hurting too and that somehow makes me feel less alone, so thank you ena for existing and especially this thread. It’s like a place where I can stand out and blend in all at the same time. Anywyas, I finally pulled the plug today. No more limbo, no more sadness , no more begging and pleading you to just give me what I need. I’m not really sure why you stayed with me when you didn’t give a about my happiness. It’s riveting when you are the one breaking up w someone but it’s so clear u are the invested one.. I woke up this morning nauseous , nauseous and anxious because I was sick of not knowing how you feel and what was going on... I poured my heart out to you telling you about my vision and my dream of us working... not only did u ignore it and reply with morning but you scolded me for texting u... saying we have to have the conversation in person and I told u even when we did the words never came from your mouth. You told me next time... brushing me aside bc for u, it didn’t matter if we ever had the talk, you were totally fine. So when it’s about me, oh well, it can wait. My anxiety and nausea took over and I no longer could continue to only care about u and ur needs... told you we had to talk today via FaceTime.. I try and u tell me u are at a client lunch , were u with a client ? I don’t know... later u finally call .. telling me Again basically scolding me that u can’t handle this conversation and this drama so I just tell u, u won’t have to. This is our last talk and I just want closure.. if u can just tell me none of that dream was true for u. Finally u admit we just have different priorities and u don’t put that person first, “I have to look out for me bc no one does” and honestly I’m satisfied just to hear u tell me that u can’t give it to me.. conversation takes a turn and u tell me I need someone to baby me and an old dr... then the call drops and I try u back and ur on the other line...I text u saying I loved u and that u can’t even bother to say goodbye to me. You answer with your usual tone of exhaustion. I tell u how I have u everything and u have me nothing and u say I gave u nothing but then I tell u I’ve been asking for the same thing for months and U also admit you can’t give me that , which was all I’ve wanted to hear u say... so I can give up hope and know I fought until the end for you. I guess I’m harboring guilt for going out the last time we broke up and how u said that changed u and ur perception and u were never the same.. but knowing there’s nothing I could have done to make it right, makes me feel at peace. Then u went back to being annoyed w me so I just said listen this is the last time we are speaking can u at least say something nice . U said fine Jen I’ll do that for u, whatever u want, I’ll fake it for u.. then all u could say was that I was a good person and u liked me.... can’t even talk about how gut wrenching it is that I can write messages like this about u and that’s what you say about me... then this is where all the truth comes out. I say next time maybe just let the girl go sooner... why did u keep seeing me when u knew what I wanted and that U couldn’t give it to me? U use ur usual bs bc I like to spend time w u and then u uncover some bs saying I never told u I was going to marry u, u knew I was an .... shocked. Not even really sure what else to say to that. Then u literally psychopath ally try to mix in casual conversation asking me how my day was and where I’m traveling that my face doesn’t look red from laser .... I’m telling u I love u and u crushed me, I’m leaving and this is how u respond... but IM the crazy one ?!? At this point I know there’s nothing else to be said... ur basically saying I can do whatever I want I do whatever I want and I said oh so there were other women ? And u brush it off. At this point knowing that is irrelevant ... outcome is the same, u don’t love me, u don’t care about me or my happiness , u see no future, u don’t want to be with me. It’s over. I’m sure over the next few days I’ll be sadder. And there is a weird part of me that will still be checking my email in case u say something but I do feel like I’ve seen ur true colors ... what could u say? Why would u say anything ? U just let me go and honestly,’for the right reason . U aren’t the guy for me. Also, a stupid part of me wondering if ur testing me.... if this is all to see if I would go out w another guy again... but I know that is ridiculous and not the case I just don’t really understand what happened from me going away until now. I guess again it doesn’t matter. The truth remains the same. I need to heal and find out how to get what I want and what that looks like . Thank u ena community 😚🤗

I am really hoping that I saw the light and will never hear from you again. The sex isn't worth the torture day in and day out. Each day I'm depressed bc I feel like I want more than u can give me and I don't ever feel like what you give is enough. I'm always wanting to change u or see something else. U are childish in that u take what I do and use it against me in a manipulative way to do what u want to do. My feelings don't genuinely matter and if I need u, u aren't there. Regardless of how I ask u aren't there for me and u laugh at me. I dk in what world that is normal, or where seeing someone so little is ok. Not expressing feelings. U can't emotionally connect or be vulnerable and u don't let me do it either. My needs don't matter or get met because you want a one way relationship. I think the best part is that I don't have to care anymore . I don't have to be your doll. I get to find someone else, who wants my humanity. Wanfs me to be happy, wants for me not to hurt and if I do, is loving and supportive of me . Who brings out the best in me. Which you do not do. You make me turn depressed, violent, angry, unsatisfied, unfulfilled, alone and u like it. It's ok to destroy me as long as u get what u want and my needs are totally secondary.

I'm sad, I'm depressed, confused, lonely, angry,disappointed,jealous,curious, distraught.. I want to move on this time. We've broken up many times but this one shows me how little u value commitment . I don't want to be hurt anymore and that is what u do to me, whether it's 2 days or 4, it's a constant pattern and I'm somehow doing something wrong always with these insignificant things.. I can't help thinking how any person could please u or how any person could just know these tiny things that u become upset about yet my larger concerns seem crazy to you. MYbe it was all control and u wanted to push to see how far u could get me to go.. I think I went pretty far. I dk.. none of it matters; I'm lying here alone and sad and u are content,happy, unaffected and living your life so clearly being w me wasn't important for u. Thanks for making me waste money on sumphony tickets.. yeah u tell me it's nothing for u, but I bet none of your past mooching gfs ever did something like that for u... completely unappreciative ass who couldn't even buy me flowers or light candles and broke up w me over how I answer the phone... hope this new one makes u happy , clearly I can't

I'm trying to be more truthful to myself and to my feelings, experiences and prospectives. While it is true, had Alfredo wanted to try I would have left you, when that played out I did invest emotionally into you and I felt us becoming close. I guess I can't blame you if that didn't happen for you. I think the part that's hurting me is thinking that none of it was real and everything was a game. A game of revenge and reciprocation.. we got back together on Monday and you told me you were going to cook and asked me to stay over.. I get wine and u aren't cooking. Not only that , right after we have sex u tell me u have to work and I can't stay. The exact thing u told me not to do which is saying something and not doing it. But u know how to play me like a fiddle so I guilt me into needing to understand and support you. The night ends w u mad at me over something I again think is stupid, me trying to open up to u about sexual things and u thinking it's me trying to make u jealous and it wasn't, was talking about me and us . So then the next day I can't see u because I have work things and stuff to catch up on and honestly I didn't want to seem too available considering that u didn't want me to stay w u after an entire week of being apart . Then I was going to dinner w my bro and told u I couldn't talk so u call me and I abruptly answer saying I won't be by my phone so u break up w me.. bc u were calling to complement me on my new job and I blew u off... but the whole thing is so stupid to me. Clearly u just don't care about me bc something so little causes u to walk away right after u tell me to work through things and not just break up.. regardless of what I thought or what I felt, this is your truth. Maybe I need to realize it's for the best anyways because of how much we fought , how little I felt appreciated and how many steps ahead I always was . This never ends in happiness.

I feel like I'm going thru 2 breakups at once and even tho I'm certainly broken in pieces I know that when I rebuild I'll be exactly the person I've been seeking myselfto be... I'm grateful to have learned that there are crucial things I am being hypocritical about and sabotaging myself with.. I can't run around the city partying, drinking my issues away, flirting, acting like a 21 year old party girl and expect a loyal guy.. and then get mad when he's mad at me. Freak out irrationally bc he's not calling me at the exact hour he said he would. I have inner work to do. I'm grateful for that lesson but it doesn't mean I don't feel the pain of rejection that even tho I'm growing you can't stay w me... because I'm too difficult to be worth being with. If you can't take me at my worst, maybe I never meant that much to you in the first place I dk I've adopted such a new mindset about what I wanted this year that I have given up a lot of emotional fundamentals like being there when ur hits the fan... caring about my emotions and state of being. That's probably why I'm in this predicament. I'm chasing people who check my boxes and falling for their outlines not their content. Then when they don't accept me or feel empathy for me I wonder why? I have so much work to do on myself and for that Enlightenment I feel grateful. But I feel pain for freely and idiotically sharing my deepest emotions and weaknesses with an outline and feeling rejection where they can't even confirm it's over. "In his silence , I took my answer"

I'm tired of men. I'm tired of dating and being heartbroken and giving and giving to be manipulated. Two men who I care for two of them do this to me.. both knowing how much ignoring affects me yet twisting it on me bc I'm easily manipulated. Bc I chose to be a nice girl u have to poop on me. Bc I cared enough to do things for you , put you first and value u sometimes more than me, the only person that matters is you. I'm not doing it again. No more. No more love for someone else before me. I'm the only one looking out for me. I don't deserve how I grew up, I didn't deserve for my dad to constantly make me fight for his approval and never get it. So why am I doing that to myself now ? I'm literally letting someone convince me that ignoring me and my feelings is ok. That it's my fault . That I'm screwed up for wanting love too, after giving love. Both of u have ruined me... thank u

I'm angry today. Angry that the last 2 people I was with both think it's ok to ignore me and won't give me closure. That they both think disrespecting me is ok. I'm angry and hurt and pissed that this keeps happening to me bc I'm confused. What am I doing to warrant this ? Giving ?!? Giving myself to someone honestly means I deserve to be stomped on? Why is this so unfair ? Why am I tormented by this so much when they are going on fine . Why can't I just find someone who is equally invested ? Why is it such a bad thing to place a high importance on finding a partner ?!?!? Isn't that the thing that makes life worth living ? Why is it bad that I don't feel fulfilled bc I am alone ? I'm not saying I need someone but I'm effing tired of being alone. What is so wrong w that? I want to forget u. Both of u don't deserve my thoughts or feelings, you're both a piece of .

In some ways I am happy you aren't responding to me bc I dk that I would stand up for what I want. I worry that I would bend to what u want to make it work. I'm sad and hurt bc I feel deceived. U acted so much like u were on the same page, sometimes even more so. I don't think u deserve to be in my brain distracting me, especially as much as you are. U know how much I hate being ignored and ur doing it. I want to forget u and never let someone in so quickly again. Certainly not bend who I am for them again.

I miss you a little today. It's hard. I wish your assistant didn't contact me. I still know this breakup is best for both of us , but it's making me feel bad about myself because of how badly you treated me. I know u are sitting there thinking the same thing , but I've never let anyone cross the lines w me that u did and I'm not only mad at myself but embarrassed in the situation . I dk how I let this happen to me. I have no problems sending her pics for social media bc I'm happy w ur work the work isn't the problem, I just hate that it makes me think of u and is she showing u? Is she talking about me to you? I doubt she is this is probably just routine standard follow up, but it doesn't make me not think about it bc it's personal to me. Even tho I know it's not to you

"When you're lost and alone and you're sinking like a stone, carry on". I didn't think I would be here again this time, at least not so soon. I believed this time we could get it right and with god between us we could go all the way. This last week revealed to me what life would be like with you and how little you feel towards me. Every single day was spent with other people , your family and even when one group would leave we would go to another. We had 1 night together out of 5 and it was spent going to a movie you wanted to see. When I came home from seeing my friends and we talked, granted I was quite drunk but I remember it being a fairly productive conversation. I was feeling you my feelings about still being unsure where you stood because you say things like " I'm still getting to know you" and there's constantly other girls on your phone who I don't know. It kind of felt like progress and then I can't remember granted I was drunk but it was serious to me and u laughed at me. In my face and then I ended up sleeping in the other room. I woke up confused. Sunday we wee in mass and I kept praying about my mom and also showing me my husband because I'm ready and I want my own family. Then the very next. Day our fighting that lead to you breaking up w me happens I think it's a sign. I didn't enjoy being a step mom every day to your kid and watching how your brother, mother and sister adore their spouses but I am more of an accessory to you. It was embarrassing for me. You don't tell me seeet little things or snuggle with me and pillow talk. You even cancelled our one romantic dinner so we could join your sibling who we've been spending all week with. Our relationship wasn't important, I was just someone for u to bring for your amusement. My feelings were irrelevant, you didn't ask about my mom once. Then when we fought u ignored me making me stay up all night on edge and when I reach out to try to talk in person u say no that u have an appointment, no effort to meet before or after. All the effort is me, team of 1, to fix something so obvious that it was your fault but u blame me and then add in some personal jabs. Take a day of ignoring me to even have the courage to break up w me and then its via text not even on the phone. Without any hint of feeling or care for me , just a sarcastic dear jen letter . All of that shows me and tells me I was nothing but entertainment and convenience to you. I'm embarrassed that I had the feelings I did and that I let someone make my opinion so insignificant. I'm hurting and confused as to how all of it seemed real when none of it was. And afraid I will desperately reach out to you, when I know you don't deserve it and you were awful to me. Out of. Loneliness and missing something that really never existed because the memories I have make it seem like I mattered to you.

I feel broken , foolish and alone. Here I am back in my childhood home to pick up my dog bc of your lies. Right now I should have been in Colombia recovering from surgery.... tbh part of me is really glad it didn't happen bc now I am realizing how little you cared for me. Last night at my friends party I was the only single one.. everyone else is married or engaged and while I felt sad in some ways in so many others I felt happy. That I wasn't tied to a mediocre life. Even tho my parents didn't have it all, they raised me right and I know from this weekend u don't care about me. I'd rather pr someone to do a job then continue hurting over you to have the best person do it. I don't quite understand the point in you pretending w me.... is it a fun backup? As a 45 year old man you'd think you'd be sad to. Be alone, I guess not. I guess all the success keeps you warm. I dk. I feel lousy and confused. Why do u say you will call , u miss me only to ignore my messages, read them and not call? Why not just be honest and tell me you're with someone else or you don't care or. Whatever the truth is ... I think you just honestly believe bc I have money u can treat people however u wish and it is ok. I'm not okay and this isn't ok..... I'll just see someone else for my consult and when I'm healed find someone who will actually give me attention and listen to me since that was way to difficult for you. I'm sick of feeling like I need something from you or to wait for you bc honestly, u don't deserve it and you aren't worth it. So what if I'm a few lbs over weight , exercise and diet can fix that. You're inability to connect cannot be fixed. That also doesn't make me less worthy of love or affection. Whatever the purpose you held in my life, all it is now is disappointment and keeping u does nothing but upset me. I can let go of you and my broken Allergan dreams. There is something better waiting. Farewell

I'm not sure if what I'm doing is healthy... I'm actually quite confused by myself.. while away this weekend it feels like a segment of my life, like this wonderful dream. This piece that only exists when together filled with hope and love and peace. Calmness and security. Like I'm part of something bigger. But when we are apart my brain can't handle it and sabotages me... it's odd bc I do trust u, but today something happened and now I am feeling awful and Confused... we talked in person about talking more while apart and we have been which is great but only 2 days away and I feel so disconnected from that place.. while in it it feels like we are strong enough to be a team on quite literally all levels , building a business together a life a family. Then when apartit feels awkward for u to tell me about struggles I have going on I feel a pinge in my stomach like I don't know what to say and u sound like I'm not saying the right thing and I can sense you're uncomfortable. As usual a rush to get off the phone and then u say see u tomorrow which was confusing for me... so i text u to clarify if ur leaving for sd tomorrow and u say yes and then I ask who u are seeing and u kind of brush that away so I ask if u mean ur seeing me this weekend v u say only if u want and I say yes of course I thought that's why u said see me tomorrow. I feel like it's in my head and I'm sabotaging myself but I don't know how to stop..

Finally thought I had stopped my destruction and found someone who seemingly cared for me... finally officially started dating someone who really all along wasn't a good communicator but now it just hurts more bc we are a couple. Not sure when I'm going to seee him and he does this thing where he ignores my questions and replies w something off topic. Not sure why. Just know I want to scream and hide and just give up on dating. Give up bc it's exhausting give up bc in tired to be willing to pour everything into something and continually be broken down time after time left wondering why? Why am I so disappointed w anyone I choose to date ? Why can't I find my spencer and y can't I love myself enough to get it ? Why is it taking so long and will it ever happen??

Got home to Miami today after 3 weeks... Landing was a bit sad, bc I thought for sure I'd be seeing u when I got back.. also somehow delusionally thought I'd get a message from u bc maybe the reason u ghosted me was bc u wanted to talk in person.. not. It was just bc u don't care and it was easier to ignore me. Maybe now I'll accept that and be able to stop thinking about you every second I'm not focused on work

I think I'm making progress ... im upset but I'm making realizations and connections and seeing where maybe I need some work/understanding that life is and will always be an ebb and flow of experience and change, the moment you have today will be gone tomorrow and thinking it will ever be the same or that you can apply a rule to an experience is wrong. Just because you deceived me doesn't mean I need to look for deception and cues in everyone or I should close myself off to x,y,z.. the truth is, you are broken and complex , while it's easier to sit here and bash you and be upset and only consider how I feel... life is between two people and the hard part now is knowing I'll never really understand you and you're not in my life anymore. The positive is that, the pain I experienced will cease to exist and once I get through the pain of longing for what could have been and what wasn't or contemplating what it even meant for you to abandon it so easily , once that is gone, I will be free of continuing to force myself to be okay accepting you weren't going for be with me and I had to figure out how to navigate being rejected and friend zoned every time we spoke . Oh wonder still reminds me of you, but I'm allowing myself to listen to them.. after all, in a mo or so, these feelings I have won't exist . I guess I can be grateful for The simplicity of the connection I had. The raw nature.. the fact that it got stronger as it became a friendship.. I think I learned from that... I need to be with someone I can sit with , have a glass of wine and some candles ad feel like I'm in heaven . Looking back, maybe I started the issue... yeah, you weren't over your ex, but I was the one continuing to see other guys and didn't tell h not to come for vday until I met Blake, that was never about you ... and at that point I liked Blake more than u... had he not screwed me over we probably wouldn't have connected , bc he checked more of my boxes Then when we did connect and u kind of blew vday I ended it.. after the friend zone convo and me coming back I was vulnerable and nervous you didn't want to see me, but from your prospective , you were probably upset from all of that.... Then I ended up messing w Brian and that night you told me not to, but I did bc I felt u weren't going to give me what I wanted and I wanted to distance myself from you. Then we spent the night drinking and talking and I was crying bc I knew I wanted more but couldn't have it and u were checked out... instead of stopping there I just kept going .. then Colombia came Even now though, u changed. The time away from me for you just made u forget and not care for me ... I mean when we talked in wa you just told me that I have issues bc I was connected and that bc we. Didn't know each other very well I shouldn't be calling you a best friend ... should've understood that I really never was anything to you at that point but a time passer ..'then when I said goodbye you didn't even call.. not even text back. Guess u felt it wasn't necessary. I tried to talk about it again and u just ignored me.. I know me drunk texting u last night seemed unnecessary, but it made me feel good to get it out. To tell u. I think u probably decided to get together w ur ex or ur happy to not have to deal w me anymore. Kind of wish vezza was the guy I had met... seems like he's going thru exactly what I am but he's the one playing my part and she's playing you. There's this sick part of me that keeps not wanting to accept or believe what is happening and to think that you're waiting for me to come home from PR... even though I know that's not true either... I dk

Talking to you now is just pain. Just reminds me of inadequacy and fault. As if you not wanting to be with me means there's something wrong with me. That I'm defective bc the moment we shared felt so real to me . Because all I wanted was for you to tell me to choose you. To book a flight for Miami for my bday and be there w me. Even if it was just drinking wine w candles and eating cake. Because no one did that with me. Because all the spa days on the world don't make up for feeling like you could tell that person your soul and they got it. And what's worse is I was wrong. You didn't get it. Bc if u did you'd be there w me. And that makes me feel like I'm not going to have it... because anyone who would give that who gets it always talks to me about how I deserve it but it's like rubbing salt in my wounds bc they can't give it to me. Because while I'm sitting there getting lost with you , you're thinking about how much you hate Orlando bc u are broken about your ex. Bc she's sending you I love u from a far messages and you won't tell her not to... because she will always have your heart. But I'm the "fun " distraction. The one that gives and gives that you don't care for. I guess that's another layer to it. You didn't even care for me as a friend truly. I was a girl that took you to Pr that you hooked up w.. I guess now I know how guys feel who spend money on girls. In the week we didn't talk it wasn't hard for you. You weren't tormented by thoughts of me and when I asked you if you missed me you said " this was for you" avoiding the subject because you didn't want to hurt my by telling me the truth. Even now, I'm the one up crying and you didn't even have any last words for me. Because I was just some chick. Why my am I so broken that I could care for someone who is such a jerk to me ? I wasn't even worth a phone call to you. I tell you it hurts me too much to be friends and u don't even want to say goodbye to me. You're such an .

It's starting to get tougher as time goes on.. had an urge to contact you today, convinced myself that I was ready to be friends... but then later on I realized that was a smoke screen I was showing myself. I'm starting to feel the disappointment ahaian , disappointment that U aren't reaching out and I know that's for my benefit. Bc u don't want to lead me on and bc u aren't missing me , bc time hasn't made you realize you've been a fool and I didn't make u feel connected enough to forget her... that u are still thinking of her and wishing she was with you .i hope that in time like soon tbisnfades and that I can learn to take care of myself better. This week has been exhausting and I haven't had enough sleep or time for the gym I dk why I can't find the time or figure this out. I feel weak and silly. Would like someone to authentically love me Dk when or how that's gonna happen

This no contact choice has been better for me than I thought. I am less depressed and able to focus on work. Instead of my mind wondering to "will he text me?" Or "will I see him? What will he say" it's changed to "is he thinking about me?" Which sounds like the same thing but it's not.... to me that means understanding maybe he never truly cared and bc I did so much to make it easy he just went with it.... maybe after this period of time we will have both forgotten one another. I already think im noticing I was giving almost 100% and receiving nothing. Being distracted with work also helps me keep from wondering about you but I'm kind of angry that you didnt even thank me for the candles I sent and the special note.. I find myself looking at the clock saying oh it's already 6 pm here it's 9 there and nothing from him... I guess it's just re processing and understanding that the way he thinks of me is a totally separate lens than how I think of him... he probably thinks about his ex like this.. I'm still so mad about the fact that he thinks bc he told me about it , somehow that makes it all green for him to behave in a contradicting way towards me. Or that he was talking about the girls in his brothers program the way he was.. he's not who u thought he was and there's no reason to idolize him or think u can't find someone else to feel the same way if not more for. Someone w similar qualities who will appreciate u and step up. The qualities aren't that unique and once I start believing/ understanding that I'll be all set. Right now it still hurts... and my lack of self control is causing me to get fat

Yesterday was a breakthrough for me... I decided enough was enough and it's time to care for myself. You hurt me. Sharing and feeling the feelings I had for you, for you to reject me and what we shared to not be enough for you to step in is embarrassing and also frightening to me. Frightening that I could cherish something that was a simple choice to turn down to you. The entire time u were in Boston seemed so easy for you. It was. Not once did you mention missing me and you were thinking about what it will be like when you have children which I bet made you think of and miss your ex, not me. I told you we needed to stop talking and u didn't really seem to be bothered. You seemed understanding of why I needed space but unaffected. To be honest , with the feelings I had I dk that I can be friends. It might just hurt me Yeah I thought for a while that you would be a good friend. But to be honest you weren't really there for me in Colombia and u don't make me feel cared for as a friend. One of the women at training told me she sees in me that I am not respecting and caring for myself as I should. I think she's right. Letting you in so quickly was a mistake. You didn't earn it. Right now I have so much self hatred and self worth issues that im seeking acceptance and love.. it's making me behave in obscure ways. I want to move. Not that it will fix everything, but it would give me a fresh start. A chance to reinvent myself and become who I want to become. Either way I need to do this. A big part of me thinks u wouldn't care if I didn't talk to u again bc I'm just. A girl to you. A girl u used to go to Pr and have some fun. Maybe that's all I should see u as too... it gets harder to wait and now take time to bond with someone when u don't have anyone you have a strong bond with. Either way, deciding to not speak was the best thing for me and I'm glad it happened

I'm done messaging you and regretting it. You make me feel foolish. I am in control of my emotions and what I focus on. I want to establish some rules and hopefully be over this very soon... no more listening to oh wonder, no more doing things that make me sad bc of u. What does texting u and pining over you do for me ? Ruin my confidence and make me depressed. So it's time to do things conducive to me feeling good. No more messaging you. If I need to let it out I'm coming here . You played me like a fiddle and no more. Promised we'd be friends and then while I'm the one in a foreign country u are the one having issues texting me back ?!?! Even on my bday. U don't care for me one bit. Not as a person certainly not romantically, so u arent worth my emotions and energy. I've been tormented by thoughts of u and what I did and ur over there ignoring me.. I'm telling u I miss u and u are relishing in the complements while u pine over your ex.. never say it back yet that somehow opens he hole in my heart more to want to spill all of my guts as if u hearing how desperate I am will stop the bleeding or the gaping hole inside. Yeah I'm alone, yeah I'm empty but u don't deserve me and I'm not going to allow a person to treat me this way. Bye bye pictures of you. It's time to grow a pair, u aren't that special. U think everyone wants to hear u speak and u want to motivate people how?!?! What have u done?!? Owned a bar.. ok so that makes u tony ing Robbins ?!? No.. u are a selfish who doesn't care about the destructiveness of others bc ur instantaneous fix is more important and it's "justified" bc u "drop hints" and expect someone to read between the lines like fine print on an infomercial .dont come asking me to hang out weeks later when u just expect me to "fix myself " and get over it even tho u never even told me it was over... so u can use me as someone to talk to . That's not friendship. To be honest I would've been fine with u telling me , hey listen it's not going anywhere let's be friends.. you have some serious issues w ur ex and the worst part is, u will stay stuck on the past forever if nothing changes.. receiving I love u messages and being involved w her daughter is not moving on... somehow u love purgatory... u aren't even being fair to her!!! Yeah she cheated yeah it was wrong, but ur giving her false hope. Why? Bc u feel good continuing to punish her knowing she feels ed up bc u still do and u won't let her go... yet u have ur head in the clouds thinking u are "moving on" and by u not responding she knows it's done.. yeah I should've seen that red flag. U are just leaving destruction everywhere u go and it doesn't matter as long as Mike feels good . As long as u are fine that's all that matters.

The harder I try, the further away I travel from The things I want most.. I'm starting to believe in being perpetually single. The one that is good to you; means nothing. Even the alluring bad boy gives me no thrill. The hot bartender, nothing. I'm craving substance, attraction , emotional intimacy and it's just not there. I'm sick and I feel like my life is meaningless which is probably the most entitled first worldthing I could say considering how blessed I know I am I'm not sure what to do forom here. The drinking and numbing has left me literally bedridden and forced to be alone w my depression and my thoughts , my anxiety. I know the only way to win is to give in but giving in feels like a loss too .. I'm not sure if this is part of a plan or if all of this is just a massive mistake I keep making. It's in these moments that my loneliness resonates ... I'm sick, and I only have my brother to call.. my partying roommate has zero desire to hang out w her sick roommate. My "friend" who decided it was time to cross the line wants nothing to do w a sick person who can't go out. I'm very very lucky to have my brother, but I wish I had more friends and I don't know how to make them. Wish I could stop pretending to be whatever I felt I should be to please others . I want to find happiness and love. I want to treat my body w respect and kindness. And my mind that way too..

I feel awful... I prayed about you last night bc being here makes me think of u and I had a feeling I would see u tonight... I did. I saw u with her.. that made it worse. I am not sure what she has that I don't. 100% different attractiveness levels and i would think our connection was so mental.. I'm wondering now if it was bc u knew I was moving and she was the safe choice. Either way, sucked seeing u w her and not w me... not missing me or kissing my shoulder like u used to... I'm upset u aren't messaging me . But also happy I dk t have your number to message u, bc what's the lint ??? If u see me and don't have anything to say then I'm sure nothing would change if I said anything... and u should be the one to say something considering our last interaction was messed up bc of u..../ I just hate that my heart hurts bc of u and u are sitting there cool calm collected nothing to say

I feel very alone, and silly for my behavior .. I had made a promise to myself I would detox from guys just for a week to give myself some prospective and it's caused ne to go off the rocker . I reverted back to texting more guys and it's making everything worse , maybe that's normal and now I'll stop. But it is making me feel worse about myself.. I have a problem and an affinity only for the wrong men for me.. guy 1 is bad bc he so clearly isn't into me and I keep pushing it , he still lives w his ex and doesn't ever message me first bc duh not into it but always feeds into my flirtation and acts like it's going somewhere. It's not.. guy 2 is confusing but just an obvious playboy, played my roommates friend and is always manipulating the situation... I think I only have an issue dropping it bc he's smooth and attractive but it doesn't lead to the goal that I want which is the right guy... guy number 3 is just a situation I should have never gotten into bc he's a work connection big for my career ... I'm unsure if he is still with his ex or not.. either way some red flags and I need to fix me. I need to be alone. At least for a few weeks completely alone, I haven't been w someone for weeks at a time recently but this is a full deto meaning no communication not letting that rule my life... I need to stand alone and remember who I am and what I stand for.. I'm so ready to attack the challenge of moving departments in work and genuinely grateful to have such a loving family whose always there for me. I thought I had met a new friend but now I think she's not my friend and just needed a roommate.. randomly stopped talking to me and didn't even wish me merry xmas... universe help cleanse me and make me a better version of myself , a better friend, family member and future partner This needs to be my year and I need to make changes

I hate myself for having a pattern of self destruction. I am glad that this time, I have decided to recognize it and change it. For whatever reason, I enjoy liking people who cannot be with me..who do not pursue me. This time, the energy and attraction is so strong I felt like I would do anything just to spend time w him. Doesn't matter what happens, platonic time I asked to see you this past weekend and you said u had an MBA class all weekend. I was done, sick of being blown off, then M I see you bc of work stuff we have together and u say u weren't sure if I was going to go bc I stopped texting... I just flat out tell you I thought u blew me off and u tell me you aren't stupid you know what is in front of you... then u being up making excuses for me to come in so u can see me, but then when I bring up seeing u this week u tell me w ur schedule you can't make plans too busy but you'd reach out... I follow up later and say thanks for today looking forward to spending more time w u, hopefully this week. You say, of course my pleasure... vague.. then I had To message u about work and u just respond w work stuff... I'm tempted to go off on you, but what's the point? What's the point of ruining work stuff when if you liked me, you'd just try to see me. I dk what u are doing throwing in lines and playing w me, but there's no point for me to keep chasing you. I guess breaking the pattern is the first step in getting new ones.there will be someone else I'll like and maybe he can like me back. Investing energy in something without and reciprocation isn't a relationship and will never be. It's just another way for me to punish myself