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Why? Why did you have to come back just as I had a chance to be happy? Why do you hate me when I forgave you for everything? I treated you like I wanted to be treated. I loved you as I wanted to be loved. You made me believe I could love and be loved again. Now it seems as if my heart is hardened and I can never let anyone in again

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I never dreamed we would be enemies, but we are. It's sad. But I won't break no contact. What good would it do? I fought a good fight and tried to be a friend to you. It meant nothing to you. I am healing everyday and yes, the process has been so long. Too long. You don't deserve a girl like me. What you've got is what you deserve.

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Hey, you.

 

Do you remember the first time we first kissed? How nervous but excited we were. You took my hand and looked me in the eyes and started mumbling something haha.. And I reached in and kissed you. I'm not even sure what made me do it. You looked so...happy. It's a moment I'll never forget. And three years after that - all those memories we made together.

 

A month ago, I was angry with you and the breakup: I felt I had wasted three years of my life on you. I poured all of my energy into our relationship. I did everything for your happiness. How could you throw me away?

And now - I realize how lucky I was to experience three years of us. Maybe you didn't love me as much i used to think - but boy did I love you.

And I am only getting stronger after you left. Maybe this is a new beginning to something even more wonderful for me. Thank you for opening the doors. Thank you for breaking up. Now my life is finally beginning.

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Get out of my head.

 

Youre not coming back. You dont even think of me. You dont care anymore. Please just stop haunting my thoughts. I cant even bring myself to approach other women because Im still not over you 2 months later, with no contact at that.

 

I thought I was doing ok until today. Out of nowhere, I started daydreaming about our first date. It was, and still remains to this day, the happiest day of my life. I had not a care in the world. No worries. No troubles. All we did that day was laugh, joke, eat, kiss (literally we kissed all day long), take pics, hold each other, and talk. We were like two lovestruck teenagers. We went out at 10am and didnt come home until midnight. We were so drunk and so hot for each other. We made love all night until the sun was peeking through the blinds. You fell asleep in my arms and it was the last night of peaceful sleep I can remember. What happened to those days? Oh god Jas...how did it come to this?

 

I was sitting in my car ready to hit the gym when I thought of all this. I just broke down crying right in the parking lot. Im crying right now as I type this. I thought I had shed my last tear for you in January. Now I think I may not be quite out of tears yet.

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Hi baby

 

Really missing you I'm struggling really bad to hold my business together had a good order today so hopefully that will cover for me a bit. I know you don't think of me and your on holiday not caring of me anymore but ur the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last when I sleep. I done somthing silly the other day brought a bottle of jack and down it in one and was gonna take my sleeping tablets but lucky enough I had some strength left to say know. I got a hosptial appointment next week Frist time with out you gonna be a hard day. Anyway I wish you well and all the best ur the best thing I had in my life love u lots xx

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To all of the ghosts from the past : I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry I vented all my emotional unstability unto you.

I'm so so sorry.

I've read some emails back and I shouldn't have done that. Because it's from years and years ago.. And I see a pattern... where I go searching for extra negative things and in turn get very emotional over them.

I know I'm not only hurt, I've hurt just as much. I just wish I could become ok with all of you guys. I wish I could have peace about those mistakes I've made. Right now they make me feel sick.

But the least I can say is I've lived and learned. And I can not turn back the time. I can only improve myself so this won't happen as intense as it has. I'm just feeling bad about it.

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Its been more than a year since you dumped me for another, and the past year has been the toughest year of my life. I have tried so hard to let you go, but still, I miss you. At the same time, I hate you for tossing me aside, and ruining my trust in people and my faith in love. I can't even bring myself to think about being in a relationship ever again. ....And you never even looked back. Not even once.

 

Even after all this time, I feel like my heart is dead and rotting in my chest, and with it, my soul has turned black and bitter. I hate you for treating me like dog 5HiT that you scraped off your shoe after all the time we were together and after all the things I did to help you get your life in order. I treated you like a frickin' queen, and you used my support to stair step yourself into a new relationship. I can't enjoy remembering the good times we had, which was most of our relationship, because now I don't know what was real, and what was an act. I was completely committed and faithful, and you betrayed me like a sneaky dog.

 

I F****ing HATE YOU! I hope you die, soon. That, or I hope the guy you left me for cheats on you and destroys your heart too. That would be awesome! Either way, I wish for you to enjoy that special devastation that empties your soul, kills your heart, and spoils your mind.

 

Having memories of you is like having a cancer in my soul. Meeting you turned out to be a curse. I wish I could erase you from my memory completely.

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Deleting photos out of my old phone. My new one broke. I found two of us together from the week you whispered to me "I'm falling in love with you."

I cried over you for the first time in a couple of weeks. What happened to us over the next year?? How can things change so quickly? You loved me, you said you loved me so much and then it all just stopped. You shut down. I'll never know what went on in your head that caused you to make such a drastic cut to your life.

 

I've been completely NC for the past week. I know that this is for the best. Even the tidbits, the ok conversation we had not long ago, chipped away at my healing and thats why not hearing from you on my birthday hurt more than it should have. If I don't matter to you at all, I give you nothing of my time. I deserve better. You weren't perfect. I still don't understand what really happened that caused you to end things so abruptly but whatever it is, it shows a vital flaw in you. I never want to marry a guy who can so easily just dip out of a 2 year long relationship with zero communication to me until the day it's over. Tell me something is wrong and we can work on it. Don't tell me something is wrong and it's been wrong but you don't want to even try because, "oh, i dont really know but I have to".

 

I know I wasn't perfect either. I could be emotional. I cried at movies that you thought were stupid, I expected flowers and typical "hallmark ****" on valentines day and got sad when you didn't get me anything. Some things that were probably not really worth getting upset about mattered to me. I nagged you about your driving. I know that I wasn't perfect

but, I deserved better.

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It's been a while since I felt an urge to talk to you or post here (comparatively). Had a little lapse tonight but...nothing I'm not used to, nothing I can't deal with. I'm moving on from you, I hate it had to come to this but you left me no choice. You stopped caring a long time ago, months before you actually left me, now it's time for me to do the same and let it rest.

 

I don't know how you're okay with us not seeing each other again. Even when I tried to say more of a goodbye and give this relationship a better send off you were still so indifferent. I'll never understand why you treated me like this, what changed you so horribly? I don't think I'll ever have the answer. It annoys me how everyone still thinks you're this amazing person who would never hurt a fly but you know what? I can finally take comfort and satisfaction knowing that I know the truth. I know the real you. They can believe what they like.

 

I think back to the amazing happiness I felt with you before all of this, I miss it, BUT I'm accepting it's in the past. It's done. You're not that person anymore. We might have broke up only 4 months ago, but I lost the person I fell in love with months before that.

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So I texted her the other day to wish her a happy birthday. I broke the rules of not contacting her again, I guess I just thought it wouldn't hurt. She insisted on continuing the conversation and just had to tell me how she might getting back with her ex...the one that broke off her engagement to him and left her for someone else. I didn't continue the conversation from there. Just said "okay" and left it at that.

 

So spring break ends tonight and I have to go back to school tomorrow. Since I know she will be on campus too, I'm sort of dreading running in to her and stuff. I don't want to see her if she doesn't have anything good to say. It's going to be a long 8 weeks. There's a chance she will texting me and wanting to have lunch with me on campus during our breaks. It's going to be real hard. I'm sorry babe but don't tell me we can just be friends after all that. You can't sway me like that. I wasn't good enough for you apparently and please don't put me at a lesser level on the totem pole of guy friends you wear around your sleeve. Soon you'll find out with me not always being there for you, the other guy or guys you been talking to aren't either and you'll realize how much I meant to you.

 

If not, then good for you. I'm working on myself, and this past month has been really hard. I can't stop thinking about you and I'm trying to get you off that pedestal and taking the 'serious' part out of what we really hard is not easy. I know I shouldn't have taken things seriously but I did not lie when I said I loved you and wanted to continue to be with you and to continue to work on what we had.

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Dear ex,

You were my everything. But I guess I was good enough for you. You let me wallow in the deepest depression , never helped me with the family or anything related. You punished me for enjoying my job but never asked me to come home early or just play hooky. You ignored me when I needed to yell because I was just mad. You let go of my hand when I needed you most. I tried to be the best partner but you never talked to me about what I was doing wrong. Instead you walked away after almost 9 years from me and the kids. No real explanation but I am sick of being in limbo. You let me blame myself for everything. All I wanted was for you to hold me hand and walk me away from it. I just needed a partner.

But thank you for walking away. Thank you for showing me that at 44 your just a scared man afraid of the future and scared .

Thank you for taking the pressure off my shoulders and now I have the love I need ...of me. I have a better outlook and I look ten times better than when I was with you. I don't need to run into the arms of someone 17 years younger to validate my self worth . I can be alone...I can grow and be ten times better than I could ever be with you.

You may have found someone to warm your bed for now, but I know someone will warm my heart forever.

 

I will always know I was the one that got away,

Goodbye...

Thank you for releasing me and my heart.

 

I Will always love you on some level but you will never know me again.

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Im watching Avatar right now.

 

I remember when we saw it together at your place. You were so into it....that was one of the things I loved about you. You really, truly got into movies and games like I do. This was one of the last movies we watched together on the couch last year before you left me. You were laying on my chest, just chillin with me. Halfway through it, you straddled me and you kept telling me how much you loved me as we made love. I now wonder if having sex with me was some kind of sick coping mechanism for dealing with buried guilt for sleeping with that guy in CT (your current "man").

 

Its a shame how some of those seemingly sweet memories are now forever tainted. Towards the end, everything you said was a boldfaced lie as far as I know. Damn it.

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You're dating the girl you left me for and you said that you're happy. How can that be? How can you be happy knowing that I still think of you and miss you every day? I told you I was happy that you were happy and you said, "No you're not." Stop telling me what I am. But you're right. I don't understand how you could talk about marrying me and plan for our future and have it all change on an instant when you met someone shiny and new. I'm sure I got old and boring after three years, but you didn't even give me a chance. Does she know that you like your sandwiches cut in triangles? Does she know that you need to sleep with one leg outside of the covers? Does she know she has to coax you to open up, but you'll be grateful for it? No, she's just "fun" and "easy," everything I wasn't. I pressured you to have a plan and to grow up. But I loved you. I still love you. I love you in a way she can't possibly replicate, because I know absolutely every inch of you. I know your flaws inside and out. And you treated me like crap. And I love you still. Unconditionally. Please, please come home.

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