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Grief, grief, grief.

 

I don't think about you that often during the day but I do dream about you every night. You are always there in my dreams. I do miss you but I know we can't go back because you don't have that 'special love' for me. We can't go back because you lacked empathy. We can't go back because you belittled my feelings & put me down.

 

I am glad you were part of my life & I'm deeply sorry you're not in it because I love you. I miss the old you. I miss the you who was more accepting & less egotistical.

 

Do you miss me? Do you sometimes wish you could see me & see how I am? Or did you really hate me so much? There was so much anger directed towards me latterly. Has that gone? How do you express it now? Or was it simply that I had trapped you & was the cause? I may never to know.

 

I am moving on and it is getting better but it does still hurt. And I still miss you. And I still love you.

 

I've had a nice day so I guess this is a bit of controlled grief. Feels good to cry x

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2 days ago I had strange feeling. There was this emptiness and how the memories of you and me are so long gone in the past. At least we can be in touch now. But when I text you and you text the next day I remember that I have been downgraded to friend rather than girlfriend. I talked to you and you are always full of good words for me as an individual, saying I am intelligent, have a huge heart. But then you bllamed me that I didn't care. How do you think the relationship caused you panic attacks? This is so hurtful yet you stick by it. I hate you for sticking by it. Because it somehow devalues me and what we had together. Can you really not see how messed up your life was at the time?

 

I am not sticking it out with anyone. I don't even think they will hurt me as much, I just don't want to do it again.

 

I am very unsure you have empathy towards me. I feel angry again and I really hope you don't find a decent woman. You probably will though because you are attractive and funny, anyone will fall for it like I did. It is so easy for men. You can date someone 10 years younger and still be fulfilled and have a family. My ticket to that has most likely passed and I have to look at older guys if I want something serious. Older guys with back problems and not that much sex.

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A,

I didn't write this but read this on the web recently. It is *so* true. I am a (E/I)NFP in Myers Briggs, in the exact middle of E and I. But parts of this description matches me exactly.

 

---

They can mirror emotions naturally, and the interaction with you feeds their intimacy needs as much or as little as they require that day. They will take as much or as little from their patron as they need. Usually its subconscious but sometimes not.

[..]

We hate to build new relationships, its draining, and we just need to recharge.

 

Walk up and say hi.

 

If you meet his approval, he will quickly engage. DONT PLAY HARD TO GET. you will lose by being incongruent to your original engagement.

 

Invest.

 

Don’t make the mistake of looking at his bad behavior from a solipsistic perspective (i.e.: how it makes you feel) but ask him WHY he is behaving that way. Maintain your investment, and his introverted nature will COMPEL him to examine his behavior and it will change.

---

 

The last paragraph especially. I realized how badly I f****ed up. But I did realize it and I did change...I was acting out but I loved you completely and I never ever left you.

H

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A,

I can hardly even walk now, at night, when I'm at home. I remembered how we leaned on each other as we sat on the subway once. I remember how you defeated me utterly at checkers once, even though you hadn't played that game in decades. I remember thinking how super intelligent you were. I remember reaching out for your french fries at Rehoboth (after finishing mine of course) and you snapping that I should get my own fries I remember us playing mini golf and you telling me I looked good in flip flops. No one else (apart from family) ever made anything or did anything for me on my birthday and I still remember that dinner you cooked for me that day.

 

I wish you hadn't left me and we had still been together. I would have never hurt you again, in any way and would have supported you in any way I could. I was acting out because I wanted the rest of our lives to be a perpetual honeymoon period, so I wanted to just go through the hard stuff, immature selfish stuff early on. My parents had come to meet you and maybe my own knowledge that I was going to propose to you gave me some more leeway in my mind to act out this way in the days/weeks before I did. I don't know, it doesn't make sense, I just wanted a sign from you.

 

I just miss you very much. I don't know how to live or what to do now...

H

Edited by jaded123
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You still freaken annoy me when you try to be funny and make lame immature jokes!!!! All you do is talk about yourself and all your problems like its a big amusement. I mean your still attractive but you wear way too much make-up and I hate the way you dress now!!! I just resent that you have more friends/popularity then me. But they are soo superficial friends anyways. Why cant I just drop my feelings for you even know I realize all this???? Its cause you were actually beautiful and really cool in my eyes at a time. Now youve morphed into a lame person but I still care about you dammit!

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I've been thinking about you a lot today. I still think of you in a sexual way. I guess sexuality is what anchors any romantic relationship.

 

I also thought about the day we met, which didn't involve sex, but was so innocent, loving, magical. We hung out for 8 hours downtown, with nothing specific to do. The hours flew by.

 

We had something so special, and I'm thankful that we had that, but it makes me sad to think it's over.

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I loved you so deeply. You told me I was the only boyfriend who ever cared for you and listened to you and loved you. You told me all men disappeared on you because "all men are selfish". Stupidly, I wanted to be the one to show you real love. I moved into your apartment, I introduced you to my family. I even thought about an engagement ring. Then your strange behavior, like a part of you, emotionally, was missing. I forgave you, but still couldn't sleep well, started having nightmares. I knew something was wrong but wanted to believe that you were the one. I didn't trust myself.

 

From the start, you knew I wanted to eventually have a family and you started putting pressure on me to get you pregnant. We were only together for 4 months and the whole time you wanted me to get you pregnant. My friends told me something was wrong, that you were desperate because you are 43. I didn't want to listen to them. I thought you really loved me and you would never manipulate me. Finally, I listened to my gut and left. And then got back together and tried to work it out, and then heard you say some more strange things. Like you were not playing with a full deck.

 

Then after I left you, I went to some professionals, read more online about narcissism and personality disorders, and then everything made sense. Why you never wanted to come over my apartment. Why you never responded with empathy when I told you about the disaster in your home country. All the drama with making a baby.The pity story you use with all your boyfriends to reel them into your web. I know this is your way of loving men, that you are wired differently.

 

A month after our breakup, I saw you with another man. I know you want a baby and your clock is ticking and you need to move quickly. It's been 4 months. You are probably still with that guy, or maybe not. I don't know. Whatever is going on, I want you to be happy. I loved you so deeply and that is why I am still not fully over you. You loved me in your way, so devoted and passionate. I didn't protect my heart and was dysfunctional in my own way, not taking care of myself, trying to "save" someone. So, I thank you for the lessons. Hopefully, this will help me let go of all the bull**** that has prevented me from finding real love.

 

Do you even remember me? Do you have any idea how many tears I have shed, how much grief I have experienced over the last 4 months. In a way, this way a gift. I obviously needed to let go of some old childhood grief and longing.

 

When I miss you, I remember the good times, but I also remember how draining it was to be with you because you weren't able to express or understand emotions and needed to drain my emotional energy. I also realized that is was my fault because a part of me just liked that you never needed to focus on emotions and just always smiled like an innocent and happy girl, even when it was inappropriate.

 

So, next time around, I will value myself more and will be with someone who is emotionally present. Our relationship was not nourishing, but I hope to nourish and be nourished in my next relationship.

 

Bye M, I am ready to let you go and wish you well. So that I can move on and find love.

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I think I've probably shed my last tear over you. The days are wearing on and these days I don't even check my phone in the morning sunbconsciouly expecting a message from you. I don't want you anymore.

 

It's funny, when we first broke up, the thought of never seeing you again made me feel sick and I found some strange comfort trying to keep you in my life, despite you hurting me so deeply. Nowadays though? The thought of you contacting me gives me butterflies, not the good kind. It makes me fret and feel bad just acknowledging you exist. Cutting all aspects of you out of my life actually feels good these days.

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Dear An????

 

I'm deeply sorry that it came to this , that you couldn't talk to me. You were my whole world and I can't imagine waking up each day without talking to you , holding you or telling you good morning. I miss you so much I can't understand why you blasted your Facebook with pics of you and him so quickly . I truly feel embarrassed like there is a defect in me like I'm ugly. I was really trying to hold on for thirteen years hopefully you would see me as I saw you ...my destiny.

 

There are times that I felt so angry with you , you put spectre on my computer, you made keys to my apt., you put voice activated recorders underneath my bed to see if I was watching dirty movies, passwords to my email! Facebook ! Home phone !!! Aaaarrrrgggh!!! Why ... Cause you were my high school crush I was so blinded. When we fought maybe I should have been more patient , I should have never called you names or yelled maybe I am abusive I don't know but my patience

was low considering I felt walked on .. I gave you everything I could emotionally ,financially . You could have done anything you wanted to and in the mean time you were my warden and Sherlock Holmes at the same time.

 

When you bought a house on your own how did would make me feel!!! When I tried to break it off why did you try fighting for me???!! For the money? Cause I was comfortable ?!! Why did you pretend to be somebody your not for a year just to break my heart . Telling your just trying to push yourself and you just met this guy!!! You are a god damn liar , you wouldn't put him on your profile pic unless you were really comfortable.

 

The only thing I regretted if I could turn back time I would work more on me . I would feel better as a man and you probably wouldn't have got bored with me. There is nothing I can do now. You seem happy so ill leave you be but I can't hate you cause that's not who I am .. I still miss you , I love you.... I feel so empty . God please give me a sign everything is gonna be ok. Is there any such thing as love or is it something made up in movies. Please ...god

 

My best friend gave me some advice that from my childhood I had to learn everything on my own and from what she saw I'm a terrific person and I did the best I could if I'm introverted that's just me, she could have realized 12 years ago On her part she has a family that she's close to and still chose to do what she did. She treated me like a desease that if she ignored I would go away. After 14 years you break up with me over the phone. Maybe I don't deserve love , I name called and yelled when I should have been loving and patient

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I'm visiting your state soon and don't plan on telling you about it. At first I wanted to see you, to see if there was even a slight chance. Now? I don't want to mess up my progress. Maybe meeting you would move me on even more, but I don't want to take the chance of it doing the opposite.

 

but I want to see you.

 

You'd hug me hello. You hug everyone. Or worse, you wouldn't.

 

You would smell the same and feel the same and for a split second my brain would jump backward to that safe place with us in it and I would have to pull myself back to the present and remember that we? are dead.

 

I don't want to deal with that but maybe I have to.

 

I don't want to see you.

Edited by beaton
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I miss you calling me "lovey dove" I miss having you to talk to every single day. I hate you sometimes, and then I can't hate you because I love you. Sometimes it still doesn't feel real. Sometimes I feel like we will be back together just like everything is normal. We could be happy again. Then, was I really happy??? Or was I just holding on to something that wasn't there?

 

I have a good day and I think I will be ok. Then, I have a horrible day and all I want to do is call you and hear your voice. I want to talk to you again. I wonder what you are doing? Are you really so much happier without me? Is your life really so much better?? How is this what you REALLY wanted?? Would I take you back if you asked?? IDK. All I know is I miss you like crazy. I think about you everyday. There's an empty feeling in my heart like something is missing, I wonder if you feel that too. Am I the only one that is sad and missing you, DO YOU feel it too? Will you regret your decision? If you do, will it be too late? I can't believe I am going through this AGAIN, why did you tell me you wanted to marry me?? I put up with so much from you and your family... for WHAT? So you can leave me when I act "mad" or "upset." When are you going to GROW UP, you are 30!! When are you going to tell your mom and her husband it's time for them to GO so you can live your own life?? Can't you see that it's not healthy to live with your mom and let her take care of you... YOU ARE THIRTY!!! It's time to put your big boy pants on and start taking care of yourself!!!! I am beginning to see.. we never had a chance... Not while living with your mom and having to hear her "comments" all the time. You are so influenced by everyone around you, I pray that one day you will stand up for yourself and stand up to your mom. Stop letting her run your life...

 

GEEZE.. I HATE YOU..

..... why do I still love you????

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I just want to know a few things because the more I think, the more angry it makes me.

 

You left me for someone else, you broke my heart into a million pieces. I get that, I get the bit where you left me for someone else.

I remember you saying "even if you want me out of your life, I won't leave. If you need me at three in the morning, I will be there. If I change my number, I'll text it you."

So tell me why you've blocked me on Facebook? Changed your number? Completely cut me out of your life? Did I go wrong somewhere in loving you with everything I had?

 

It hurts so bad to know you've cut me out of your life, if you're doing all of this in order for me to move on, you're doing it wrong. It's not helping, all it's doing is making me think I meant nothing to you.

 

That's all I have to say.

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kz91, I blocked my ex from facebook and am trying to completely cut him out of my life. He broke up with me, but I figure the best thing to do in a break up is to erase them out of your life. It's tough, but how else do you move on? I don't think it's personal, and it's probably better that you DON'T see what he is doing on facebook, and can't contact him.

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Some days hurt more than others. You're probably drinking with your buddies today. You do that on school nights (post secondary, two days a week). I wonder if you're thinking about me, how nice it would be if I was there with you.

 

I said in a post earlier, that I want you to suffer, but I only say that because it's true. I don't want to be in denial of that feeling. I'm a good person, and I want you to have a good life, but I would be lying if I said I didn't want you to hurt as much as I do.

 

I just walk around town for hours because it's away from my computer, where I feel tempted to contact you. I just listen to music and go for long walks. Usually I feel quite a bit better after my walks, but today, I mostly feel sore in my legs.

 

Today is considered the end of the week, because tomorrow is Good Friday. I walked by people in a bar, partying it up. There was a party vibe on the street. I wish I could drink and have a good time somewhere, but I'm too miserable. I don't trust myself to drink either. If I drink a lot, I will surely call you or Facebook you. I just ache inside. Why did you have to leave me? Why did you have to hurt me so bad?

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Why did you string me along for the last few months when you know you were clearly invested in someone else. What have I ever done to deserve how much you have betrayed me? 8 years, 8 YEARS of my life wasted with you, I can't get that time back, I never will its impossible! You have left me so hurt, so scared of the future I don't understand. I wholeheartedly hate you and hope you wake up every morning looking at her and realize that she will never love you like I did, she will never put up with all the crap you will put her through, she will be smarter than I was. And when she's done with you and you are alone, don't even try to consider coming into my life again, you have already poisoned the crap out of it with your lack of any human emotion! I sincerely hope you lead a very miserable and empty life, its all you deserve.

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And of course after my last post I just had to dream about you last night didn't I. I don't remember the specifics, you contacted me just to tell me you're really happy about someone new and you started going on about how it's your 20th soon. There was no guilt or shame or sadness in your voice while you spoke to me, you didn't care you hurt me. I was about to tell you I never wanted to see you again when you hung up. Why didn't I get the chance to say it?

 

It made me realise you've still got that potential to hurt me. All you have to do is pick up the phone...that scares me, I won't lie. I don't want you to message me and see your profile picture is you and some other guy. I hope you never contact me. I don't want to see, hear or acknowledge you.

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This will be the first holiday not spent with you in just over a year. I'm used to going over there. Your family is pretty accepting. Mine isn't. Maybe that's why this break up is easier for you than it is me.

 

Why did you put so much importance in my family accepting you? They don't accept anyone, even their own child. I guess it's hard for someone to understand who has such a close-knit family.

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I am on Facebook right now. I told myself I wouldn't go on very often, but Facebook is like my home..and it just happens to remind me of all the time we spent with one another on there. I'm tempted to look at your public profile. What good would it do? What if you seem unaffected by our break up? What if, God forbid, some girl was chatting you up on there? F---. It hurts so much to know you are no longer a part of my life.

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