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You lousy twofaced xmxixtxhxexrx xfxuxcxkxexr. Big man thinks he is living on the edge. So full of crap. I hope and pray I will put you behind me and break the connection. I also hope I will leave him alone. No speech. No email. Just brush my shoulders off. Mind gaming piece of crap. Go away.

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To........xxxxxx

 

I have been thinking about what you did. I still think it was cold, calculated and really mean. And it does still hurt to feel so dismissed. My friend told me she thinks you did it out of fear...fear of me, fear of trying again, fear of my temperamental emotionality, but I decided to judge you by your actions, and all I see is a cold, selfish, calculated man.

 

It annoys me that beneath my anger, my hurt, I am aware I still have feelings for you.....and then I feel annoyed at myself for feeling that. Feeling that way for a man who does not deserve for me to feel anything for him.

 

You are a coward, but then so am I.

 

It's sad you had to cause things to 'end' so badly. It didn't have to be this way. It could have had a happier, more friendly ending.

 

If you ever come back into my life, you had better have a good reason for it. Any pointless, meaningless attempts at contact will be point-blank ignored.

 

I am going to keep on striving to be compassionate and forgiving.

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How can I get over this breakup without talking to my best friend, who was my biggest support. Why couldn't we have talked about this face to face and ended it at least on a bittersweet note, instead of not giving me closure? How do I move on when I don't even know what happened?

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You must be wondering, why I didnt extend our conversation this aternoon beyond that 4 mins. I wish underneath all that smile and laughter you could see how craving I was for you to be there. I forced myself to be with a few friends just to take my mind off you and you had a call to ruin all that despite my asking you for NC. I know it was just a casual call for you when you were bored, but do you not realize I wait the entire day for such calls. Why do you continue doing this to me. Have I not done enough and helped you get married? why do you continue to torture me by pretending to be just friends. I still cannot understand, how you can have feelings for me and yet can say, I dont love you. But the truth is, I do. I wish I know how to breathe normal. I wish I could smile genuinely.

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Well...you made it abundantly clear you have no emotional attachment to me anymore.

 

Even after we made love (which Im guessing will be the last time Ill ever feel our bodies pressed together), there still was no spark inside you. You felt nothing for me but lust. And I tell you....breaking up with me and jumping into another relationship was one thing; dragging me back in only to tell me youre leaving to be 1100 miles away and you feel absolutely nothing for me hurts 10x worse. The hard lesson I learned was that there was no one else in love but me, and now I know for certain the book on us has been written and closed. All those sweet memories of us are only precious to me and only me now....and you have no idea how empty that makes me feel.

 

The woman I loved is dead....replaced with a soulless robot who barely recognizes me. I mean nothing to you anymore, and that is a worse fate than being replaced with someone else. I said my goodbyes to you for the last time; I know, in the deepest reaches of my heart, it will be a very, very long time....if ever....until I hear from you again. But Im the only one who finds that fact disheartening and extremely sad. Goodbye, "blanquita".

 

Packing my things and bracing myself for the long hard road ahead....

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You knew I worked every weekend I would have quit my job and got a different one in a instant if it meant it would have made you happier but you wouldn't open up to me. Funny I had the last 4 weekends off I would have given anything to have spent them with you now it is too late. You found it easier to find someone else than work on us.

 

I now hope I never see you or hear from you again because the pain it would bring me would be unbearable. I love you but you clearly didn't even care for me at all.

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I don't understand why you blocked me, and it is killing me. Don't you care at all about me anymore? Where did that love go? Please tell me some is still there. Please hold on to it. I'm working so hard on me. Let it matter to you. Please. Come back to me. Not now. But soon. I love you.

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I miss you and I miss our home. Sometimes everything feels so bleak. I am rebuilding but it feels like it just doesn't compare. It feels empty. I meet up with people who are my 'friends' and yet I feel no real connection to them.

 

I loved you. You made me happy and I felt blessed to have our relationship. I feel so lonely. I miss you. I want you to hold me and call me all the pet names you used to call me.

 

There is a small child inside of me who doesn't understand what she has done to become so unlovable.

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What is wrong with me?? It's been 4 months now.

This is pathetic.

It's not even about you now. I just can't let go of these feelings. "I miss him" runs through my head automatically but I don't actually miss you. I don't really even remember what it is that I miss. This feeling has become my default self and I hate it and it needs to change.

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What is wrong with me?? It's been 4 months now.

This is pathetic.

It's not even about you now. I just can't let go of these feelings. "I miss him" runs through my head automatically but I don't actually miss you. I don't really even remember what it is that I miss. This feeling has become my default self and I hate it and it needs to change.

 

I know what you mean. Sometimes I catch myself just saying her name...It's weird. But it gets better I'm sure! I'm 4 months too. Hang in there.

 

 

It's been a while...I was just reminiscing about us tonight...I don't know why, I guess because I was watching some Youtube videos I favourited back when we started to get involved together. Gosh, that's a strange connection to make huh? Well...The days are wearing on, I can't believe it's nearly April. If we had stayed together, I would be visiting you in 3 months. I told you the year would go fast. Oh well. This was your choice after all. Im not in love with you anymore and I don't think I even platonically love you now. I just miss the feeling of loving you...If that makes sense.

 

As they say, life goes on huh,

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You said you loved me, you said i didnt have to worry and that everything will be fine in a few days... not a week, not a month, just 2 or 3 days.

 

3 days later you broke my heart, destroyed my world and said you didnt want to try... you said you still loved me and that you still cared but you wanted to focus on yourself and that you couldnt be in a relationship right now.

You said you cant see into the future and that you hope our paths ctoss again one day...

 

You left me with a hole where my heart used to be... you left me wkth so many unanswered questions.

Why cant we be together and work through this?

Why did you say those things and then do the oposite straight away?

Why am i not worth it anymore?

 

 

Why dont you want to try?

 

i love you so much... i cant give up on you even though you have already given up on me.

I want to move on so damn much... i try to forget you every moment of the day and it just saddens me because even after all the pain you have put me through, i still care about you. I still love you

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Its Easter, the entire family is home and happy. But all I can do is think about you. I know, I wanted NC. But every time the phone rings, I run expecting if it would be you. When did I get involved in this so much. You must be having a great week end. well, good for you. I am so close to text you to check how could you just forget like I dont exist and have the audacity to call when you have some thing to share. Do you see what you are doing to me? Havent I told you, I cannot be friends with you. It hurts me way too much to hear you talk about others in your life. I am just waiting for a few hours to pass so I can sleep, the only place where I seem to find some peace.

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I want to come home. I'm so lonely here. I don't really feel like I can relate to any one. Back home I had you, our pets and our friends. I had a community. I feel so alone and separate from everyone. I just want to be with friends and have a good time but everyone I know is married with or without children. I really feel like curling up into a ball and hiding from the world. I feel dead inside. When my parents die there will be no point for me anymore. I'm sad you don't love me. But I can see why you wouldn't. I am useless.

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Happy Easter.

I won't be in this years big photo. Has it really been so long since then? It feels like a whole other world.

 

I miss your family gatherings. You have such a huge family, lots of warmth and love. I feel ik i'd started to really get to know everyone. Have they asked about me?

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i hope karma comes to you, you hurt me more than words can describe.I hope one day you get your heart crushed like you crushed me ! you are a person without soul .I was always there for you but i had the relationship alone,the only thing you kept saying was i wasnt supportive,wasnt trying hard enough,but it was only me trying!!! Hope when you come back knocking it will be to late for you!

I will get better and you will suffer alone!!!! AS*HOL.

 

And i dont miss youR snobish family,and your stupid mom who thinks she is 20 .

 

 

Imiss our dog you didnt even let me say goodbye to him ,you are such a cruel person with a rotten soul!!!!!!!!!!

 

I WILL GET OVER YOU !! AND WHEN I DO ITS GOING TO BE AWESOME!! I WILL HURT NOW BUT YOU CANT HURT ME ANYMORE!! GO FIND ANOTHER VICTIM!! TO STROKE YOUR EGO!!! LOSER!!!!POSER!!

 

F*ck YOU!

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countless hours staring out of train windows and plane windows and cafe windows, damp with condensation. wishing for something to say. i dress better now but what's the point if one just dresses for oneself. if I am lying, may i and any children i have get cancer and die, but i never ever left you, not even for a second. i know i didn't make you happy in the end, but i had resolved to make you happy forever after that. you humiliated me so much before and then even more after the breakup and why did you have to hurt me so much ? just a few days to set things right again, you know in your heart that i, wether i liked it or not myself, would have supported whatever you did if it made you happy. doesn't everyone get a phase where they are entitled to act out for a bit ? i have never truly loved anyone except you and you said you loved me too, so why did you give up on me ? i wasn't anyone else, i was me.

 

i am sorry that i hurt you. i am sorry. if i could take a memory erase treatment i would. i am so tired of feeling like this all the time...i just want to feel some happiness again (yes i know it is selfish of me to think of my own happiness but i am sick of this).. i have paid my dues. i don't want to be alone on my birthday anymore like i have been every single year except for the one i spent with you..

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[video=youtube;RdCrMb8Bn4I] ]

 

I had a somewhat productive day today but I still think about you consistently. I went to one of the hiking trails we use to go on today, only because it was fairly close to home and I just needed some fresh air. I missed you the entire time. I was hoping to see you but then again I was afraid of what would happen if I did. I hope you're doing okay....I just wish i knew you were thinking about me too.

 

This song just somehow hit the spot today.

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i want you to know that while you have many wonderful qualities, leaving me without giving me one chance when i had truly resolved to be different and supportive, not giving me one chance when i truly needed and asked for it, was the most horrible thing anyone has every done to me. i don't have any anger towards you, only sadness that it happened the way it did and i will never forgive you for it...only because you did it not by accident but on purpose.

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I'm nearly an hour late but please don't torture yourself! It will do no good. Stay strong (

 

Thanks, Snow. I didn't look. I get tempted every time I'm on there, but it comes and goes. When it gets strong enough, I have to step away from the computer..been going for lots of long walks lately.

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Spent Thursday, Friday and Saturday night with a gorgeous girl that actually enjoyed being with me....

She was sweet, held me all night, made me feel wonderful, made love to me more than you did the last 6 months......

 

Made me forget about you all weekend long......I heard your Jeep drive by late Friday and Saturday....

 

Bet it pissed you off to see her little mustang in my driveway!

 

Screw you and the way you didn't even have the guts to really end things, making me do it....

Now you know I'm with someone else......

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Id like to just tell my ex that she is a freaking idiot to cheat on me and want to leave. You had the realization that the guy she cheated on me with was not as good for her as I am. And yet you still cheated with him!! Are you Freaking slow! Who in there right mind would be so stupid! I treated her like a princess and literally would have given her anything and you leave me for a guy that still lives with his parents. You told me that if you stayed with me I could make you happy but then you said thats just not what you want! Huh?? how in the world does that even make sense to you? Why would you rather go to parties and get used up by any guy who will have you when you already have a guy thats giving his heart to you and honestly only wants to make you happy? I hope the new guy treats you like the worthless pice of tail you want to be treated like. You say im the best youve ever had and you still dont want to be in a relationship with me?? Your a freakin psycho!! I literally donot understand how you can live with yourself knowing that you even caused me the slightest pain after how nicely ive treated you of the last 6 months!! I truly hope that every guy you fall in love with for the rest of your life uses you and treats you like the dirty pos you are!!!

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Still missing you every minute of every day. I wish we could have sat down and come up with an alternative plan, but you didn't see that there could be alternatives. I know you did the best you could, and you left me because you love me. I am leaving the door open for when you return.

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Thanks, Snow. I didn't look. I get tempted every time I'm on there, but it comes and goes. When it gets strong enough, I have to step away from the computer..been going for lots of long walks lately.

 

I have similar coping strategies. Taking long walks can feel really nice sometimes don't they?

 

 

 

You know, I tell myself I don't "really" care about you anymore. Sometimes though if I've been drinking I might remember you. The fact it's only really reminding me when I've been drinking is a good supply though I think. When I'm sober I'm too busy to care anymore. And when I'm not busy and sober? Meh...I just don't care. When I've been drinking sometimes I think about us sexually. I guess that's pretty natural though.

 

After what you did I don't love you anymore. It borders on hate actually. I still think about our intimacy though. I don't know how healthy that is... I'm trying to break out of it though and I can say for sure that even that urge (as far as you're concerned) is fading.

 

Don't contact me. I've been in a new healing stage for a few weeks. Don't let me lose it by contacting me now. Go away. Don't come back. Ever.

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