Javabear

My parents are getting divorced after 25 years of marriage and my mom is currently seeing a man she dated for a couple years during high school. They continued their friendship over the last 40 years and have been together for about 6 months now. So, really, anything is possible.

You're dating the girl you left me for and you said that you're happy. How can that be? How can you be happy knowing that I still think of you and miss you every day? I told you I was happy that you were happy and you said, "No you're not." Stop telling me what I am. But you're right. I don't understand how you could talk about marrying me and plan for our future and have it all change on an instant when you met someone shiny and new. I'm sure I got old and boring after three years, but you didn't even give me a chance. Does she know that you like your sandwiches cut in triangles? Does she know that you need to sleep with one leg outside of the covers? Does she know she has to coax you to open up, but you'll be grateful for it? No, she's just "fun" and "easy," everything I wasn't. I pressured you to have a plan and to grow up. But I loved you. I still love you. I love you in a way she can't possibly replicate, because I know absolutely every inch of you. I know your flaws inside and out. And you treated me like crap. And I love you still. Unconditionally. Please, please come home.

Thanks for all the positivity everyone. This piece came out of a very sad place, but good things have come from that place too. The only slight sense of victory I have felt so far is that it turns out Emily wasn't really interested in being his girlfriend after all. Time can and does heal, and writing helps speed up the healing. I'm glad I've found a place to share everything I want to say to him but can't.

The night you told me about Emily I said, “You’re not the person I thought you were” and that shocked you. You cried harder when I said that and you begged me not to mean it, but I did. I still do. The boy I fell in love with was sweet and kind. He was dedicated, devoted and loving. He would have never left me for someone else. The boy I fell in love with was also goofy and immature and I knew that he had a lot of growing up to do, and I was so excited to grow up with him. I knew that he could teach me a lot about letting loose and not taking life so seriously. That’s part of the reason why I fell in love with him in the first place. I knew that he would be a perfect balance to my personality. That’s such a rare thing to find and it turned out to be so easy. The boy I fell in love with was not afraid to tell me the truth. He was honest with me about absolutely every aspect of life. When times got tough or arguments heightened, he never let me walk away. He chased me no matter what because he knew that life without me was a little less happy and a lot less loving. The boy I fell in love with followed me out into the night when I was crying at sat with me in silence until I was ready to talk. He was loyal and true and I knew that, in time, he would accept me again despite my frustration and tears. The boy I fell in love with hiked with me in a snowstorm to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. The boy I fell in love with used to let me put my cold feet between his warm legs in bed. The boy I fell in love with held my hand when I was scared, encouraged me to pursue my dreams and always made me feel welcome in his arms. The boy I fell in love with went snorkeling with me in the cold November waters of the Pacific in silly wetsuits and masks. The boy I fell in love with planned a future with me and Claire and Coda in a house somewhere in the redwoods, or by the ocean, or in Chicago. The boy I fell in love with called me Bunny and wished me sweet dreams every night and thought I was beautiful every morning, even when I wasn’t. The night you told me about Emily you became someone completely different. You lied to me. You said you didn’t want to like her and that you didn’t want to break up, but your actions spoke differently. When I asked you to help me work it out, you pulled even further away and made no effort. You. Gave. Up. If you truly meant what you said, you would have distanced yourself from her as much as you could and worked on reconnecting with me. But you gave in to temptation. The boy I fell in love with would have done anything to hold onto me because he knew how wonderful I am and how special my love is. I don’t know who you are anymore, and I don’t care to. You’re cold and distant and disingenuous. If that is the type of person you want to be; if that’s the kind of boyfriend Emily wants, then she can have you. I love who you were. I am in love with who you used to be.

I love you, darling. I hope you know that if you ever decide to come back to me, my answer would be yes. Phantom Limb You’ve been gone for so long and yet the feeling of you remains. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt and I walk in confidence knowing that I’m doing fine without you. Sometimes it hurts like the day the world took you away from me. I know you’re gone, but there are moments when you feel so real that I have to look down just to remind myself you’re not really there at all. I miss you. I miss you every day but look how easily I can stand on one leg.

All of these stories are so uplifting and I can't help but think that if my ex has any sense at all he'll come back to me eventually. He left me after 3 years because he had a crush on another girl (who, as it turns out, doesn't seem too interested in being his girlfriend) and all of this happened very fast... over the course of 10 days. He's texted me a couple times since trying to be friendly but until he's knocking down my door admitting he made the biggest mistake of his life, I'm not giving him the satisfaction of a response. I have two getting-back-together stories: 1. My close friend and her boyfriend (they're 21 and 22 now) started dating our junior year of high school. They went to two different colleges and during the middle of their second year of college she broke up with him because he was controlling and smothering (he insisted that they see each other every weekend, he didn't want her to party or join a sorority etc.). They were apart for about 6 months during which she lost her virginity to a random guy she was kind of seeing and had a few other casual relationships. Her boyfriend didn't date anyone else. Then, one day she said she woke up and realized how selfish she was for breaking up with her boyfriend and that he was the one she really wanted to be with. They got back together two years ago and are both graduating college this year and are getting married this summer. 2. My aunt and uncle met in their late teens and started dating. They dated for a few years but then my uncle said he felt like their relationship just wasn't working out. He broke up with her right before he left for graduate school. She moved away to live with her sister. Then, after 6 months of being apart my uncle realized (much like my friend above did) that my aunt was the love of his life and he had to be with her. He got on a bus, spent 3 days traveling accross the country, showed up where she was living and the rest is history. They've been married for 35 years. So, there is hope even in the most hopeless of situations. Part of me thrives on this knowledge because I do miss my boyfriend and I have an inkling that it's not goodbye forever for us. But at the same time, hope is a dangerous thing. I guess the adage that "if it's meant to be it will be" is all we can really hold on to. But seriously, what is it with the 6 month mark?

Dear G, I miss you every day. I miss you so much the weight in my heart pulls the rest of my body towards the ground and holds me there so tight sometimes it feels like I’ll have to crawl the rest of my way through life. Sometimes I don’t miss you, but most of the time I do. I hate the thought of you with her. How could you gamble the last three years away like you did? When we went to Del Mar with my parents, you wouldn’t bet more than five dollars on a horse, but you bet your happiness on this girl you hardly know. You gambled away the life we had planned and my heart will be paying the difference for a long, long time. Does she know that you like your sandwiches cut in triangles? Does she know that you can’t fall asleep without one leg sticking out from underneath the covers? Does she know to remind you to send a card to your mom on Mother’s Day? You somehow always forget that holiday exists. That’s what love is… it knows the little things. It’s not butterflies or bashful giggles or dressing to impress. Love is sweatpants and Sundays spent watching Animal Planet. Love is remembering to leave out the mushrooms because we both hate how they taste. I was in love with you. You’ll come back someday, I’m sure. You’ll come back for your board games, your blender and your television. Maybe you’ll also come back for my heart, but I gave it to you once and I’ll know better the second time. I’ll make sure your gambling days are over before I even think of trusting you with something so precious again. And who knows, maybe the day you come back will be the day after I stop missing you. Maybe by then I won’t remember that you like your eggs scrambled and your bacon crisp. Maybe by then I won’t remember to keep a piece of candy in my purse in case your blood sugar drops and you’ve run out of glucose. But no matter how many days go by, I’ll still love you because when I said “forever” I meant it, and I don’t break my promises. Yours sincerely, M