Jump to content

Post here instead of contacting your ex!


Recommended Posts

For a few minutes, I seriously considered texting you. Then I read the slew of texts you sent me in January. You were so cold at the end. You basically strung me along for god knows how long until you found a "suitable" replacement (a legally married man with 2 kids = suitable? lolz).

 

Thank god I didnt delete those texts. They only serve to remind me that you made it perfectly clear just how little I mean to you now.

 

I deleted the message I was about to send you and continued on with my day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A, I don't want to be that guy. But I do miss you so much every day. Just wanted to share all these books I've read, movies seen, songs written and heard. I just wish it had turned out differently. I almost texted you today, every single atom in my body is crying out for it, but I won't of course. You made your choice, you are married. Every night, you are the last thing I think about, every morning, as I wake up, you are the first thing that comes to mind. I don't know why you gave up on me, I don't know....I had changed for you and become 100% tolerant and non judgemental (even though I didn't agree with it) of the whole thing. I wanted kids so badly and I had just wanted some reassurance in my mind that they wouldn't be indoctrinated, but I did accept whatever you chose to do. I loved you completely and I know you loved me so much too...I am sorry for hurting your feelings and causing you so much pain. I am sorry and have been right from the day after I said some of those things. I was young, brash, inexperienced in relationships. And very very stressed at work too. None of those are excuses of course...I did hurt you and I am unconditionally sorry. I keep going over and over it in my mind.

--H

Edited by jaded123
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just wish there was a fast forward button so I can go straight to the time when I don't think of you anymore. One minute I am doing fine and then a random memory or thought will come up and I am missing you again... although its probably not even you... I'm just missing being in a relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today is hard, possibly because it's getting close to end of the period I was meant to spend away from you. If we were still together I would be flying back to you soon, but you didn't want that. You want to do your own thing and I understand, but I miss you today.

 

The confusion and hurt and the "why??" is surfacing again. J posted a bunch of new photos and there's one of you laughing. I could almost hear it and that stung me.

 

The days I have off work are the worst. My life here is still very limited in terms of what I do with other people. I feel like I have no friends, you know?

I miss the feeling of you missing me. even though we were long distance, missing you didn't really hurt. It felt warm in my chest, knowing that somewhere someone loved me as much as I loved them. I know that it made you feel hollow and alone. When YOU moved away the first year we dated I felt like I was going through hell. When i explained to you what I went through in those months dealing with the distance you told me "If I had known that I would have broken up with you then." Do you know how invalidating and hurtful that is to tell someone?

You were worth it for me. I chose to deal with those feelings of abandonment because I wanted things to work with you. When I moved away this year, I handled the distance so much better than you as a result of the torture that was the months you spent away from me! I wish I could have cultivated that same warm feeling for you. Maybe then you wouldn't have lost hope. You wanted to rebuild your life without me because when I visited it "wasn't real life" but it COULD have been our reality, if only you'd wanted it as much as I did.

 

Whatever. It's cool. You're doing great now that you're alone and exploring. I need to do the same.

 

Tomorrow will be better.

Edited by beaton
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Knowing that you at least think of me is really comforting. At least I'm not the only one. You visit my tumblr almost everyday, usually more than once. There's really nothing personal in there, just science related stuff, pictures of aurora borealis, songs I've been listening to, and movies/series I've watched. Nothing personal, nothing saying that I love you, that I'm sure I'll never love someone as much as I love you, that every part of my body misses yours, that the thought of not seeing, talking or touching you ever again makes me really devastated. That's how I feel. I know you were not a good boyfriend and you would never be. I know I made the right choice. But every single one of my cells knows you were my true love. Before I met you I never had my heart broken, and you thought that was something everyone should experience. Now I am, even if I was the one to end things.

I'm trying to let go of all the hope left. I can't help but hope you'd change. You'd want a therapist or something like that.

I'm trying to truly believe and accept that you've moved on. I need to do that. I must.

But it's so difficult.

 

Yesterday I was on my mom's computer and I couldn't help but search you on facebook with her account. The only thing I could see was your cover pictures. And you uploaded a picture you took three years ago when you were visiting the country you now live in. The picture of the place you called me from before we got together saying that you were looking at something so beautiful and thinking about me. Why would you post a picture three years old if you could post any one of the thousands of pictures you took since we broke up? Did you think I was gonna see it? And because we've blocked each other, did you think I was gonna search you with my mom's account, like I did? Do you use your mother's account to search me or ask any of your close friends or even our friends in common about what I've been posting there?

 

I have so many many questions. I miss you so much.

I just wish I could leave this country, have a fresh start and meet someone. Because I don't think I'll ever be over you unless I meet someone interesting.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A,

I wish i could go back in time. I wish you were here. I don't want to live without you. I'm just so tired and old now.

-H

 

From one of my favorite songs...everyone goes through this i suppose, else how could they write this ?

====

through the fish eyed lens of tear stained eyes

i can barely define the shape of this moment in time

and far from flying high in clear blue skies

i'm spiralling down to the hole in the ground where i hide

if you negotiate the minefield in the drive

and beat the dogs and cheat the cold electronic eyes

and if you make it past the shotgun in the hall

dial the combination. open the priesthole

and if i'm in i'll tell you what's behind the wall

there's a kid who had a big hallucination

making love to girls in magazines

he wonders if you're sleeping with your new found faith

could anybody love him

or is it just a crazy dream

and if i show you my dark side

will you still hold me tonight

and if i open my heart to you

and show you my weak side

what would you do

[..]

thought i oughta bare my naked feelings

thought i oughta tear the curtain down

i held the blade in trembling hands

prepared to make it but just then the phone rang

i never had the nerve to make the final cut

=====

Edited by jaded123
Link to comment
Share on other sites

No one said it would have been easy to love. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you and that was 5 years ago. We're trying to keep things neutral and break things off on good terms. As easiest as it is for you to do so, it is not that easy for me. I think about you all the time and have these mental break downs in my head. Stressing myself out as if it's the only thing I can do. I don't want to love you anymore! You made it clear that you're not ready for a relationship and that you do not see yourself settling down in the near future. (WHY the hell would you continue to be in a relationship with me for 5 years if that was the case!) I have a hard time believing that it was the reason for your decision to break up with me. You send me pictures of yourself hiking with our dog and noted that you were with one of your guy friends. Which I highly doubt because u refused to go hiking with me when I brought it up and in the picture you were carrying a pink leash..... why were you carrying a pink leash if we do not own a pink leash? was it because you went hiking with another girl and held the pink leash because it belonged to one of her dogs??! I hate you so much right now! WHY do I allow myself to hurt this way because of you! I HATE U!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A,

 

I may have hinted at his but I might as well tell you this too: I met someone when I was sitting in the lobby, in chicago, after our breakup, writing songs for you. She said hello to me and we talked and I told her all about you. She had been dumped too, after 20 years of marriage, dumped for someone younger. To hell and back, twice, she said. She was a beautiful soul as well and we connected and eventually had a brief fling. I remember her saying that I should give people a chance, find the good in everyone, because everyone had something good to offer and that it was our responsibility to do so, since we only lived once. Well, I have tried to give everyone a chance but I've never met anyone like you.

 

I want you to know this: you were and are the best. It was I who was the lucky one, to have known you.

 

And how does it matter if you don't even remember me. I do miss you and like they say, I'm defined only by who I love and remember.

 

H

Edited by jaded123
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If only I could go back to that night, where we were still best friends, the night you asked for a kiss. I wouldn't have done it. I would rather still have my best friend, instead of having you as my partner for a few months then losing you. You talk of us being friends still, but it doesn't feel the same. There is too much that can't be said, too much awkwardness. So I avoid you, and it hurts. You were a much better friend than partner, but I've lost both, and I can't get my best friend back no matter how hard you try to pretend its ok.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've come to realise that I often think of you every Sunday. I'm not really sure why but I don't exactly enjoy it.

 

I know I still love you and I hate that but I also know that I would never take you back...I think...

 

I know you don't think so but I think you kinda owe me. But you would never come back and apologise to my face. I guess you just want to ignore everything that happened and I wish I could do the same but I constantly relive those special moments we had wondering whether I'd feel like that about someone again. I hope I can.

 

I guess I'm just sorry I fell for you. I kinda wish I didn't.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is, at times, hard to let go of familiar things about you and not romanticise them. I miss your hands. I miss your nails and fingers and palms. The first hands I ever truly held. The way I would circle my thumb in your palm as we walked through town together.

 

We learnt at lot together and it is hard for me to mourn that. I am generally happy and grateful for our relationship. I have little understanding of how you found it so easy to throw me away. I really hope it is for the best.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been starting to feel better again. I feel like maybe I'm approaching a new level of healing finally. It might be just another period where I'm on a high but it feels different kind of...I had an epiphany last night after reading through some stuff here. I realise now that I just have to accept that this is what it is. I did what I could and I'm happy that, while I asked for you back in the first stage, I've not been crazy (to your face) and been asking and asking.

 

I know I lost a lot of dignity afterwards anyway. I've never cried so uncontrollably and never half that bad in front of someone. It showed you how much I loved you though. I know now that you can never forget me and you'll know that I treated you right. You can't ever deny that I was a caring loving partner. So now I have to move on, taking comfort in the knowledge that I did all I could for this relationship. Now I'll find someone else eventually but until then I will be happy with myself and I won't beat myself up any longer.

 

I'm going to be better soon. I know I haven't completely healed but you know...this is the most free I've felt in a long time. I feel like I'm getting "me" back. After all this time. I still don't what to see or hear about you, you need to be wiped from my life. I'm coming to terms with it though. Thinking of you is no longer as painful and I'm so happy for it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A, I keep saying this, like a robotic parrot, but on my family, life, any children I may have in future: you should know that I *never* ever left you, not even for a microsecond. Loved you too much for that. When i had said "bye", i was waiting for you to call because i just wanted one sign, one sign that you loved me enough to make me a priority. All this stuff had happened in the month or two before and i just lashed out, immaturely, selfishly, in pure frustration. I did think you would call and I did think it was obvious that i had not left but just needed to hear you voice on the phone. I did think you would stay with me when you came to philly afterwords because in my mind, there was no break, i never ever ever left you and never ever would have. I am sorry I hurt you but I too have been hurt tremendously, and I want you to know, never to this degree by anyone else. You abandoned me and would not give me a second chance, no matter how much I explained, grovelled or made amends. 14 months later, i still feel like it happened yesterday. I guess I'm pathetic and it was prolly all for the best you left, since you are so much happier now. It was foolish of me to want happiness for myself and on top of that, I messed up, yes I know, but I don't know why i can't get past you. I hope this isn't a sign of some core weakness in my character, that I get attached to someone so much but maybe it is, i don't know or care anymore about that. I wish i had been more mature and tolerant. I am sorry.

-H

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I miss our trips together. I miss being able to talk to you everyday and cuddle together after you got off work. I miss trying different foods with you on our date nights and cooking for you once a week. I miss your intimacy. I miss holding your hand. I miss you telling me you love me. I miss when you used to tell me I was your princess and I miss talking about plans for our future wedding. I miss making lists about moving in together. I miss going to your family functions. I miss you telling me about new things you have learned. I miss watching tv shows with you and eating ice cream together. I miss planning weekend trips for us. I miss when you used to call me to say goodnight on your way home from work.

 

Was all of that worth giving up? Are you happier now? Please make a move and come back to me

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On the plane, on the way back that cold yet hopeful january, I saw the movie 'Drive'. It's prolly as good as 'Solaris' and all I could do was want to be with you again. Like they say in that movie:

--

I don't eat

I don't sleep

I do nothing

but think of you

you keep me under your spell

you keep me under your spell

you keep me under your spell

you keep me under your self

--

 

I lost my phone the night I got back and I was jet lagged and so tired. It just fell apart. When we did meet, you said goodbye. And my whole world ended. But I refuse to give up on life. I'll carry on without you in whichever way I can. I refuse to give up on life. I have bent as much as I can, to beyond the breaking point...but I refuse to break. I have a responsibility to help make the world a better place and I'm not going to give up on that now.

 

Just realize this though: most people will lie to you, one way or another, by commission or omission. They will keep things inside, until one day they surprise you with what they do. As for myself, yes I did lash out of selfishness/immaturity/frustration in the end, but I am proud to say that I never ever lied to you, not even by omission. My feelings and emotions for you, were always real, always unfiltered and most other people in my shoes, would not have said what they felt because of politeness. But they would have been lying and lying is always a worse sin, always.

Edited by jaded123
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bye baby.....I really tried, and gave it my all, but you won't even tell me what happened....

you left me clutching at the air for answers....

 

5 years, 5 f-ing years and not even an explanation.....

 

I have a new girl now, no she isn't you....but I realize that if you wanted to come back, I wouldn't hurt this girl by playing in your little ambivalent drama-zone another round, I just don't have it in me.

 

You know what? She's sweet to me like you used to be, I feel bad because even if I want to, I cannot give her my love....you stole my ability to love, after coaxing it out of me, and she deserves to be loved........

 

I told her I'm damaged, and she doesn't care.....kinda like when we first met.......

But it feels good to be held again.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I texted my ex today asking her "how is your break going" in regards to spring break. I am absolutely terrible at this NC thing. She hasn't replied back but it's probably a good thing she hasn't. It's going to continue being weird when she comes back to campus and us running in to each other all the time for the next 8 weeks. I don't know how else to handle this. It's her birthday coming up on Thursday and I don't know if I should wish her a happy birthday or not. Blah. I feel so lonely not getting to see her every night and cuddling up and stuff. Just a mess.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is, at times, hard to let go of familiar things about you and not romanticise them. I miss your hands. I miss your nails and fingers and palms. The first hands I ever truly held. The way I would circle my thumb in your palm as we walked through town together.

 

We learnt at lot together and it is hard for me to mourn that. I am generally happy and grateful for our relationship. I have little understanding of how you found it so easy to throw me away. I really hope it is for the best.

 

This is how I have felt too. She just threw me away like we were nothing and found someone else in an instant. I miss her scent, her hands, her neck, and the feel of her. I really feel what you're going through man.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...