icantsay
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Everything posted by icantsay
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Day 6: Ughhhhhh. It's better today. But not great. I feel stupid writing in here, but it helps somehow
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Day 5: I’m ok. But I miss having a good friend. It’s extra hard without anyone.
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Day 3: I feel ok. Just very lonely. I don't want him back, I'm sure. But that doesn't mean it's not tempting to contact him. Anyway, I spent the day in the city alone, which was alright - a bit stressful, but I needed the space. And now I'm going to try be productive and also a bit more social with people tonight. It's time to stop feeling bad about myself and hiding from the world. Also, I realized yesterday night that I can't put all that guilt on myself only. He was guilty too and we were both equally responsible for the outcome.
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Day 2: It's been pretty up and down today. I feel better at the moment, but this morning I broke down. The guilt of failing at relationships is haunting me. It hasn't before. I am not sad because I've lost him, but because I never wanted to hurt him like that. Lately I also haven't really had a good friend to talk to, so I feel extra sensitive and paranoid about not being good enough. It seems that people around me don't like me or find me annoying - I think that's a normal feeling to have with social anxiety, but I'm just not used to it being so bad lately. I hope that tomorrow will be better. Maybe I'll spend tomorrow alone and go do something fun for myself in the city.
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I am bringing this thread back because I need it, once again, to save me from my own madness. I almost had a slight panic attack a minute ago because I thought that the thread had been deleted (it's crazy how something so simple like a forum thread can have an impact). I suppose people do not use it as much anymore. Well, I am back, so I'll use it. Day 1. It hasn't been this rough in a while. But it has been rougher before - and I need to remember that. I am a stronger person than I was years ago. But I also feel that I have become a twisted person... The last thing that he told me that he was that he is depressed. That is the second breakup I have had where a person tells me that they are depressed because of me and need help. I am starting to believe that I am a horrible person and that I make people unhappy and sick. I think that I know it is not true, but somewhere inside myself, I don't know. Because it could be true. I am flawed and I don't apologize enough to others for hurting them. So going forward, I want to make people happy. I want to pay better attention to how I am towards others. So here's to day 1 of moving on and repairing myself.
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Day 13? Doing better, visiting my best friend for Thanksgiving! Very excited Hang in there, guys! There is light at the end of the tunnel.
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Day 7 Doing better today. Kept myself busy, writing an important paper for work. It's good to stay busy. We just need to keep going.....
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Welcome Kayley! It's never too late O
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Hi Wolfshook. Hugs from here. It is the worst waking up in the morning and realizing how the other person is slowly "slipping away". I understand that so well. Hang in there... It will get better over time.
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Hi guys, Day 6 here. A few days after taking off that facebook status, he called multiple times and wrote a very angry letter to me. Yeah, well I guess I saw it coming since I didn't at least call him. But hey, he had been ignoring me for weeks.... And I did try to call before. What was I supposed to do? Besides, he agreed with me anyway about the break up. I am confused, but I guess he is just trying to put all blame on me. And at this point, I am fine with it... I really did try... I really do love him. But now I am so tired of his games and his ways of hurting me. It is just too painful. I'm trying my best to move on now. I am realizing a lot of things as the days go by. I think I am finally understanding that sometimes he really did treat me poorly. But at the same time, I also keep blaming myself for most things. I'm sure you guys know that feeling.. We all keep thinking about what we could have done differently. How we could have been better. And this is my second failed relationship. Sometimes I feel that it is all on me. But even if it was, it doesn't matter anymore now. All I can do now is learn from it and move past it. I need to become happy with myself again.
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Thank you so much Butterfly1983. Your words meant a lot. It's so nice to have others to go through this with.. how are you doing today? Keep going!! NC will make you stronger. Yes! There is definitely worse pain out there.
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Day 2 Yesterday was very hard. Today has been hard but I am powering through it. I'm making lists of things to do (hopefully I will actually get to do them). I am thinking about going to the movies by myself....I've never done that before, so it could be exciting? A statement of my independence, ha. Or the opposite, I guess. I think that today I will change my status on Facebook. It sounds silly but for some reason that has been hard to think about doing? But I would rather do it before he does it, if that makes any sense. Urgh, I'm just rambling. Stay strong everyone.
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Day 1 Yeah, day 1 again. Yesterday I got a message from him. He said "I wanted to break up but I miss you so much", followed by other messages that contradicted each other. Messages about how we should still try but also break up. It's so painful. Too painful. And after him ignoring me for weeks, it just feels like one big game he is playing. I've had enough. So I decided to do it. I told him that we need to break up. And I left it at that. And now all the feelings and memories are going through me and hitting me like daggers. It's like ripping a bandaid but the pain doesn't disappear after. It just gets worse. I would never wish this pain on anyone. On top of that, I lost my computer in the airport last night. Not a great day for me. If someone out there are reading my updates, know that you are not alone in this excruciating pain. But we must keep going. We must be strong. And kind to ourselves. Today is just another day.
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Day 5 Feeling good! Planning a visit to see one of my best friends for thanksgiving. It makes things so much easier when you have support. Tomorrow I am returning home from my trip, so I'm scared that I might fall back into depression and anxiety attacks again (I live alone and it's been hard). I'll just have to stay busy and go out. Keep going, everyone!! Better days will come.
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It sounds like you are on the right track! Stay strong!! But be careful not to lose yourself in the whole "I am doing NC to get my ex back." NC is not a game... it is for healing yourself, regardless of reconciliation.
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Thank you Wolfshook! Are you feeling ok too these days?
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Hi guys! Day 4 here! I had weak moment last week and texted him again. I felt so much worse, but now I'm on the right track again. This week I've had some great trips to a few national parks and feel refreshed and more confident. We can do this!!!!
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Day 1 Well, here is to starting the NC challenge. Again, again, again I hope that someone else joins me? It seems this thread has gone dead for quite a few days. Tomorrow I'm going to Nebraska for a project. It's gonna suck. Oh well, it will keep my mind occupied.
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Day 2 Feel sick to my stomach. I hate breakups. Hate it hate it
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So back to Day 1. I'm doing the challenge again. But this time, to try to move on and make myself stronger and happy again. Not to get him back.
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beanpot Thank you so much for your words. I decided to give it everything today.. I reached out, asked if we could meet tomorrow... Told him I loved him and I was sorry too! He messaged me back later that he didn't have time for tomorrow and it would have to wait a few days.. I got scared and said that if he didn't want to fix it, then maybe we shouldn't.. I don't know what I had expected, perhaps that we would run into each others arms or something? He then wrote that he didn't mean a thing of what he had said earlier about getting together. That he didn't like my "attitude" and he didn't want to get back together. That I should forget all about it.... And I am back to being heartbroken now. I never meant to have an attitude.. I am so lost.
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beanpot Of course I am excited and want to return!! More than anything... But I also want to protect myself. I am worried that it might happen again. But I think I need to try make it work and take that chance.
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Back to day 1... I posted a thread.. He contacted me and want things to work. I am conflicted suddenly...
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Day 3 Feeling worse today. so angry with myself.