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Moonchill

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  1. So... I'm supposed to find peace in the fact that a. you are never going to dare to be confronted with my side of the story and my feelings and.. me in general and b. I acted like a big borderliner. I understand my own reaction and I understand yours. But still I am really angry and dissapointed at the both of us. But atleast I gave you a chance to work things out without getting back together. Just to be ok with eachother in the future. You gave me no answer which is the most clear answer ever. It is going to hurt to see you again in that bar but I shouldn't avoid it. I shouldn't avoid you. Because I don't want to be like you. What happened to that beautiful man I thought I knew.. What happened to you? Do you really don't care at all or do you care too much? It is really tough to let go. To forgive. I want to. I really do. But it just .. gets stuck in my head. All these questions I have for you so now I'm posting it here: Am I really thát terrible that you can not even reply to such a heartfelt message ? Are you really not bothered at all? Why didn't you let me speak to you? Why the hll did you postpone it till a week later? Like my feelings are something to postpone till it fits you?! Why can't we just talk about it? Why can't we just come to an understanding towards eachother and just move on? What would you do if I broke this whole pretendtoignoreeachother thing? Would you hurt me like I've tried to hurt you? Were you even in love with me? Why did you tried to avoid me meeting your friends that desperately? Was I not alternative enough to meet your friends? Because they are oh so metal and I'm not? It all just doesn't make sense!!! And I can not analyze it all!!! I'm sure as hll trying but I'm going in circles. I just want to let it go! But it's just so me to try and put all the puzzle pieces back together. But with you I just can't! Because you will not be open to me about your feelings and stuff. But I just can't find peace with this!
  2. Seeing you... did so much to me. I didn't dare to walk towards you and start a conversation. Afraid you would hurt me. But I did have the guts to spill out my feelings in a message to you. I did have the guts to reach out to you and to be honest about this: I don't want to hold on to a grudge towards you, I just want us to be ok with eachother. You were a piece of my past and that means something to me. I cared about you. And it doesn't do me any good that now we treat eachother less than strangers would. I feel guilt, I feel regret, I feel anger and pain. But most of all I don't feel at peace at the way we feel towards eachother now. I wish we could be some kind of friends. There is this lose end. And I just want us to have a conversation with eachother to understand eachother about what happened in the past. But you didn't reply at all. You really still avoid me like the plague. I'm not going to bite you know. This hurts me. But I have given you a chance. And you decided to just act like your noose is bleeding. That should be your problem then, not mine! But it feels like my problem now because I'm sitting here feeling sht about it. What can I do to really let this go? What can I do to forgive myself, forgive you and move on? I don't know!!
  3. I wish you the best of luck, James. I liked the idea too.. especially after a couple of glasses of wine.. But he hasn't replied at all.. And I'm not devastated.. But I am a bit dissapointed. He left the bar sooner than me with some kind of girl. *Sigh*.. But I'm proud that I dared to break the NC and have been open about my feelings. I think he can learn from that... But I just think I really hurt him and he want to avoid me like the plague. I wanted to admit my faults as well. But he didn't reply so that is a very clear answer. I did what I could. I gave him a chance to talk about it. Now it has been his choice to not even reply. Time to forgive myself and forgive him and really move on. I got no clue wether he gives a *&^% or not.. It's kind of strange how things can change that fast that much! We used to share so much very intense emotional things. Our bond was very good. And now we can not even say hi to eachother let alone chit chat. Anyhow James,.. to make it through you've got to distract yourself. It will not always work but only if it works for half an hour to not think about her, you've gained progress. She seemed to act really vague on the phone.. If I were you I would not hold unto some kind of hope. But it's tough, we all know it's tough.. But it gets better! It really does. You will see some proper time NC works!
  4. I broke NC after a lot of days.. Why? Well I saw him while going out and.. It ruined my night... All the grudge I've build up... the anger.. The whole passive aggressive looking at eachother.. The whole acting like we are ignoring eachother.. It's all nonsense to me. So I send him a message.. said I still cared.. said I didn't want to continue this way and that I need closure.. I just need 1 decent conversation with him.. Just to speak and listen to eachother... Maybe come to some kind of understanding towards eachother.. Yes I've had some alcohol and yes I'm in tears.. I know it's not a good combination but on the other hand I believe that when you are honest and open about your feelings.. if one really cared about you in the past.. one will not step all over it.. at leat I give him the chance.. a chance to open up.. Time for some sleep now
  5. Day 36 of NC!! Still working on myself to feel good about myself without having a loved one around giving me confirmation. It's a challenge to say the least But I'm doing good. Just a work in progress. Have been reading back emails from different exes. I won't recommend it. It brings up so much old garbage. I feel guilty because of the way I've acted in the past. Can't change anything about it though. I hope one day I can find a way to become peacefull with all of the ghosts in my past.
  6. To all of the ghosts from the past : I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry I vented all my emotional unstability unto you. I'm so so sorry. I've read some emails back and I shouldn't have done that. Because it's from years and years ago.. And I see a pattern... where I go searching for extra negative things and in turn get very emotional over them. I know I'm not only hurt, I've hurt just as much. I just wish I could become ok with all of you guys. I wish I could have peace about those mistakes I've made. Right now they make me feel sick. But the least I can say is I've lived and learned. And I can not turn back the time. I can only improve myself so this won't happen as intense as it has. I'm just feeling bad about it.
  7. icantsay, good to hear that. I actually started running again a week ago. Feels good right! Maybe a few months down the road I'll be running 5 kilometers too 3 weeks of NC. When it's a month I want to celebrate it with something. I miss him but it's more that he was a good friend to me too back then. My social life is not that great at the moment and I think that's the reason I'm missing him. I'm trying to feel good about myself without someone in my lovelife. "Date yourself first". It's tough. Now I finally see that I have been using others to help me feel good about myself and that could never be constructive. So I'm trying to change that. I'm maybe making it hard on myself but I bet I'll become stronger for it. Btw I had some contact with another ex few weeks ago and wow, it didn't do that much to me as I thought it would. This was the guy that brought me to this website in the first place, long ago. It's someone I will always have a weak spot for. But fortunately that weak spot is a tiny, tiny spot. I've managed to be nonchalant to him and that feels really good. When I said I was going to sleep he said"oh, that's a shame". Ha! Roles reversed ^^ ( Ok at first I was very happy to get just one text from him.. but aside from that it really doesn't matter a lot to me as I thought it should) Unbelievable.. I've had such a hard time getting over that guy! And now I'm no longer that interested. Yay! No longer desperate to hear from him. I was the one cutting off the conversation. I've got the power
  8. Why did you give up on all of this so easily?! That's the only thing I don't understand. I showed more emotions than usual and you can not run away quick enough. Sure I've got to improve some behaviour of myself but I also hope in the future, I will get to know a real man that stays even though I'm acting emotional and is there for me. You're obviously not up for the task. And I'm not up for the task of staying patient and confident despite of your vagueness and strange behaviour. Got to accept those two things.
  9. "I've got high hopes for someone good and strong... Someone good to hold me close.. Well you wish you could be the one I want.. You wish that you be the one I need.. But my high hopes are better saved.. for someone else who might stay."
  10. "What you are to me is not real, what you are to me I do not need. What you are to me is not what I mean to you. I'd give you miles and mountains and you'd ask for the sea.." ..... *sigh*....
  11. Still proudly NC Today was a good day. I work in 'his' city and yes.. sometimes I think about him.. a lot.. But I had this song "Holes" from Passenger in my head.. Especially the lyrics: now we’ve got holes in our hearts, yeah we’ve got holes in our lives well we’ve got holes, we’ve got holes but we carry on And that's exactly how I feel about all of this right now! It really applies to well.. most of us here Atleast I hope.
  12. As the emotions settle more I can see: this is an ego thing. Was I really having so much feelings for you? Or was it just a reaction to a bruised ego. Bruised ego's are powerfull things! They can avoke a lót emotions.. I hope that in the future we can be ok with eachother without being friends or back together. Just ok. That we can be able to pass eachother on the street and say hi and go on with our lives again. As simple as that. That it will not make me think about you the whole day. But now I have this feeling that we didn't have any closure. No good talk. It feels unfinished. Maybe in the future I have the guts to come back to all of this in a conversation... To look back on all of this and just be ok about it. Right now I'm not. I've gone to far with you. I know. But all the emotions.. what else should I have done? They've got to go somewhere. I'm a work in progress. I'm always a work in progress and I always will. That's what you get when you're a sensitive person. And I know you're a sensitive person too even though you've done a good job hiding it. I'm going to meditate more. I hope this can make me a better person. One that does not explode of emotions when someone hurts me and vent it all out. But is that realistic? I'm only human. There is another side to it. You didn't handle your sht very well. It could have been prevented if you.. Well what could have you done differently? Yeah you could have given me that space, you could have recognized my hurt, you could have given me a chance. But you are also only human. You can not be and act perfect just to spare my feelings. I feel like I'm coming closer to acceptance and understandig. NC has defenitly been the best thing for me. This way you can not make a mistake, do something or say something that will offend me. Lately a few exes just seems to contact me out of nowhere and I can handle it very well. It just doesn't matter that much to me and that's a positive thing. This way I can act normal and friendly to them. I hope one day you will be one of them. One that I am not thát emotional involved with.One I just care for, nothing more, nothing less. Right now I think you are a sensitive spot for me. I regret my actions but I understand them as well. It's a miracle your mother didn't bite off my head But my friend was right, this way I also don't have to deal with you being such a mama's boy. I don't have to deal with you being so vague. I don't have to expect anything from you. And that gives a kind of freedom. Freedom from dissapointment. Because this whole time I wanted more from you than you could offer me. And that's frustrating. I think it's for the best for you too.. no more pressure. Still too bad you couldn't be clear about that sooner. But what's done is done. I can not change it by thinking "what if..". It went the way it went. Bye, mister.
  13. And I must admit, now you're gone.. there is an emptiness I need to full with other things. You were a distraction for me, so I didn't have to focus on the scary stuff. But now I'm left with no excuse. It's time to better my life a bit. Eat more healthy, excercize more. Would I do those things to make you jealous in the future, regretting you let me go? Yeah, maybe...... ok yes. I know it's childish but I'm hoping you'll regret it and would think you shouldn't have let me go despite my crazy emotional outburts
  14. The emotions are starting to settle down, finally. Now I see it more clearly.. why you reacted the way you did. Why you have avoided my emotions the way you did. You were hurt too. And now I'm left with regret. What would you have said after that week? Why did you want to wait a week to tell me things that must have been important to you. Was it important to you? Why would you wait a full week then. Hmm. Doesn't make sense to me. You've had the chance to speak to me about it though. You turned down my phonecalls. Although I can understand you would not want to open up about your feelings to me when I am very angry. Still it hurt me. I still think, if something is important to you, you make time for it. You don't wait around for another week till time just happen to be there for it. I don't like people acting that indifferent when it comes to important things like feelings. And for me at that time, my feelings were very important to me. The intense sorrow I felt, the hurt. I think I'm closer to understand your behaviour if it stems from being hurt by me too. I understand it a bit but on the other side I passionately feel you should have been there for me. So it's double. And yes I am curious... maybe you had a good explanation for all of this strange behaviour. Maybe, maybe. But then again, if it was important to you, you should have stepped up, mister! Máke time for it! It's so two-sided. I'm feeling so two-sided about it. But that's better than pure anger.
  15. Still NC. Got no clue which day. Really wondering what he would've said to me in the conversation I was meant to have with him but blew off... Just as I predicted.. now I regret I blew off the opportunity.. What would he have said to me in that conversation? It must have been something important because he didn't want to talk about it on the phone.. I'm such a curious creature. I hope I can let this go and just.. don't think about it. Just hate the idea of the missing puzzle piece. I hate not having the whole puzzle. But then again, you never have the whole puzzle.. with no one. Time to go to bed, in my dreams atleast I won't worry about stuff like this.
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