Chalk

I am using you to beat myself up again. It is mainly how you have moved on. I imagine that you think your new girlfriend is beautiful. I imagine she is everything you ever wanted. I imagine she is kind and giving and forgiving. In my head she is an angel. She is the one you have been waiting for. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I wish I didn't use this to torture myself.

Hello, miss your friendship. P and L broke up. Do you think they will get back together? Or has P traded L in for a younger model like you did? I can't see who else P will date. You have a new best friend/girl friend. That is difficult to understand at times. All I can say is I miss you. I'm feeling weak. There is no one like you x

I know your new girlfriend is really pretty and I imagine you love her very much but do you ever miss me? What did I mean to you? At the moment I love to work because it is an escape. I miss you so much and I love you. I pray that at least, at times, I am in your mind and you have happy memories with me. The memories I have of you are really special to me. I was so determined to get over you but I don't think I ever will. You still make me cry. I miss you. I am haunted by you.

You were a really important part of my life and my feelings towards you still remain confusing. I hate you, I love you, I'm jealous of you. For you to have moved on makes all our memories bittersweet. I am over sentimental about our time together and I wish that my feelings were less intense. I pray that time and new experiences help lessen the significance of our relationship in my life. It hurts because we were both in a time where we were care free and surrounded by friends. I am so very jealous of you. So, so jealous! I hate feeling jealous. I do not like it. Did you ever keep anything of ours for sentimental value? Did you keep the encyclopaedia of chickens you brought me because we both wanted to keep chickens. I hate myself for treasuring our time together. I remember feeling very contented. I look back and think what a fool I was and yet desperately want to go back to that moment of sheer bliss. Forming a new relationship is really hard because the naivety has gone. I believed in you and had faith in you. In hindsight it is something that I projected on you and not some deep God like presence within you. That faith has gone. I can't decide if that is a good thing or not? Because satisfaction in another is a lie but it was a really good lie. I don't understand how I was so disposable to you? I don't understand how you could not see a future with me but be such a coward to waste so many years of my life. I don't understand how that was beneficial to you. I am confused. Back to rowing tomorrow, back to work on Monday, meeting Ben this week. Onwards, onwards!!

I still miss you. I have a stupid heart. I know you have already moved on. It is frustrating to still care. You don't love me! You didn't think I was worth keeping. Do I want you out of familiarity. What if I can't love anyone else? That would suck. I guess you don't seeing as you're all in love with Kirsty but do you ever think of me fondly? Sob!

I hope my prescence is there a little! I hope you accidently call her my name when you are annoyed. I hope she asks you questions about your stuff and you say...C did that. I'm aweful possessive aren't I? It just feels like everything of ours is null and void. I wonder if people say...well this one is a lot better than the previous one. I love you. I really wish I didn't.

We'd probably get on really well. Hope the delayed ejaculation thing isn't still a problem!

And I have to work tomorrow and I can't sleep.

I knew in my heart that you had met someone new. I know this sounds crazy but I knew because I kept dreaming about you and another person. I am insanely hurt and jealous and ripped apart. I feel possessive over you it's insane. I don't know what to tell myself to make it better. I'm feeling a lot of pain and anger. Do you love her more than me? You have now been with another woman. What is she like compared to me? Is she the one? Does she have the X-factor you so bluntly told me I was missing. Is she younger than me? Will you both go to Paul and Lesleys wedding as a couple? Does she love the birds? Does Mango like her? Does Marvin? Does she cuddle them? Does she stroke your skin and find it soft? Does she hid your glasses for fun? Does she get on with your sister? Is she Irish? Do you call her smo? Was that just my name? Does she buy you the computer games of your youth? Does she buy you a red blood cell and call it Haemish? Is she friends with Maz? Is she friends with Simon? Is she successful? Is she normal? Is she mad? Is she a depressive? Does she make you so much happier than I ever could? Does she curl up with you and watch Hitcock movies? Does she fall asleep at night with her head resting on your right arm with your arms curled around her? Does she make you happy? Is she a better person than me? Is she more popular? More sporty? Is she everything you ever dreamed of? Will you marry her after a few years and not me after many? I didn't want to know. I was meant to move on and find out later when I was comfortable in my own relationship. I am eternally jealous of you and how well you are doing. I really am. You win. I am heartbroken.

A colleague asked if I had a partner and I said no. She then asked my age and winced when I told her 28. All I could hear in my head was 'unmarried woman, no kids, failure'. What century am I living in?! Smug b****. Not really to you, ex!

I miss talking to you but my mind is all over the place and it wouldn't be fair to talk to you. I don't want to hurt you again. Live closer to me?

You are not my ex but I miss speaking to you. I miss you but I don't want to tell you. I don't know if my judgements about you are correct. I'm not sure I even want to be in a relationship at the moment or with some so far away. It's not fair to keep talking to you because I am lonely. I don't want to commit to you because I am lonely. But I miss you and this is confusing for me. I miss you as a friend which I know is not what you want to hear. Sorry for being as lame as... and for giving you 'that' line. It's all I can give right now. You've put me on a pedastool and it scares me :s I cannot maintain what you have built me up to be in your mind. I am human (and a very messy one at that). If you lived closer this would be a lot easier. What else do I want to say? I had a tough week at work. Was very slow again and felt like I was letting my team down. I got shouted at for not leaving on time. I get the point but at 28 it is humiliating to be spoken down to infront of colleagues. Peaks and troughs right? I still lack confidence...where is it? Where can I find it? I miss you.

I miss you much. I ache knowing that you have a happy life without me. I know you will just get on with it. I miss my old life. You still make me cry x

For a while, I have not given you a thought. Recently, it comes flooding back and I'm finding that difficult to deal with. I had a dream last night that you had moved on and were dating someone called Martha. I was jealous but you insisted she was the one for you. She was sick, the seriousness of this was heralded by a nose bleed, and I wanted her to be better because I wanted you to be happy. I really cared for you very deeply. I miss you an awful lot. I am confused. Maybe I just imagine I do. Speaking to a mutual friend who wants to date me he said that you want me to be happy and implied that you would be fine if we did. It broke my heart. It broke my heart because you are indifferent to me. You do not care, your ego would not be wounded. The sweetest thing would be to see you and for you to care like you used to. What if it does take 3 years to get over you? I have such vivid memories of the flat they are difficult to extracate from my brain. It feels like yesterday I was there. I want for you to be here calling me your smo. Do you call Martha that? I think of that night when I last saw you and you wanted to hug me at night but I wouldn't let you because you didn't see a future with me. I think: if I had hugged you would we still be together? It is difficult. I do not know where my head is.

I still miss you. I still love you. I have many happy memories of our relationship. I'm sorry x

Miss you. Will always love you.

Thank you, I really appreciate it

I keep dreaming that you are moving on and are happy. In these dreams I am so jealous of you and you are oblivious. Again, you are a willy in my dreams. My feelings regarding you are so confusing. On one hand I miss you and mourn you while I am generally happier with myself. I was unacceptable to you in many ways & you never truly appreciated me. And yet I still miss you. Our good moments pull at my heart strings. Part of my heart wants revenge. It wants your comeuppance. And all I picture you with is a pretty blond, pious Christian. Rushing into engagement because you have that spark you lost with me. I really mourn the times you loved me and saw a future with me. I miss you. I miss the good times & all we shared. I'm sorry you didn't love what we had. It all seems so silly now.

I miss you. I wish you'd never graduated because you became a total twot after that. I dunno. I just miss what I thought you were. I had an unshakable faith in you. I miss the birds a lot. I want M to groom my hair. Please look after them x

I'm still mourning our relationship. I was so determined after a year to be moving on. It is a year & two months now and I still miss things about you. I am getting over you and moving on, slowly. I sometimes picture our life together and it just seems like yesterday. It seems like I could go back & nothing would have changed. You irritated the heck out of me most of the time but I miss your sunnier personality. I don't miss the part that hated me but I do miss you. You said at the end that you had learnt a lot from our relationship and that it would benefit you in the future. I wish I could say the same because I used to think that I knew who I was. I thought I knew how love worked. But I don't. I don't think for one second you will miss me or do anything other than get on with your life. But I miss you. You were so special to me. I'm sorry I couldn't be so special to you. I hope you & all our friends in Scotland are doing well. I miss those birds. I hope they are happy wherever they are.

I miss you. I'm sorry I wasn't enough. I'm sorry I'm not enough. I miss our life together. I am so jealous of our friends who have settled down together.

At times I am jealous of you. You are a popular, sociable guy. People generally like you. It hurts that you still live in Scotland with people we both know. It hurts that you are still involved in their lives and I am not. I guess I feel like the failure here? Like it was just me? You are going to go from strength to strength and I will flounder. It's such an unfair comparison as we each have our own goals. I could never be as popular or as gifted as you. I am jealous and upset by your friendship with B. He is not a possession but he was the one thing I had retained from Scotland. I wish I felt nothing for you. I really wish I did. I don't though. I'm jealous of you. Eugh. That is really very childish.

Why are you always findings ways to invade my life? I want to move forwards. Why do you have to work with B? Why do you have to speak to him? I know I kinda suck at choosing to like someone you work with but I'd kinda hoped you didn't communicate. You guys weren't really friends before we broke up. You didn't care. I'm jealous. I'm jealous you get to spend time with him. I'm frustrated I cannot cut you out of my life. I frustrated you don't care that I am moving on. I'm egotistical and I want you to care about those 6 1/2 years.

I'm having a moment a missing you. I miss your comfort, I miss the birds, I miss your sunshine. I don't miss how much you appeared to detest me but I guess that's my bad. It really hurts sometimes. Just keep moving.

Sometimes I wonder if my relationship with you was my only chance of having a relationship. Or only time of sharing happy times with a partner. Life really hurts for some people. Some people don't marry or have kids or find someone they want to be with. Maybe that's me. And maybe I should just be grateful for the time I've had because I have friends who haven't even had that. I'm just tired and fed up. What is so wrong with me? Why are all our friends getting married and settled and yet you didn't want that with me? What is wrong with me? I don't want to be lonely. I wish you could understand what it's like to have hardly any family.