THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[reinventmyself]

I stepped off the NC train yesterday.

 

I was feeling calm and relaxed, and the timing felt right. I sent him a simple text saying hello and asking how his summer has been. He replied, very excited, "Wow! Hi!!" and a longgg text about how he's doing, and asking how I've been. There followed an exchange of long text messages that lasted over two hours, until I had to go to my class at the gym. Zero relationship talk. It was all friendship talk: work, hobbies, travel, catching up.

 

I feel like a thousand pound weight has been lifted off me. I feel SO much better, I can't even describe it. That feeling of forcing myself to maintain NC was getting unbearable. I feel much better now. I have no idea when we will communicate again, but I'm not worried about it. It's up to him to initiate the next conversation, and if that takes days or weeks then so be it. We are forming a new relationship, as friends, and time will tell if he's a friend I'll talk to daily, weekly, or monthly. I have friends who fall into all of those categories, and he'll land wherever he's meant to. Will we just text chat, or will we ever talk on the phone or see each other again face to face? I have no clue and it doesn't matter. One step at a time, and this first step felt good and right, and that's all that matters right now.

 

Will we reconcile? Doubtful.

Is he dating? Probably.

Can we be friends? True, real friends? I think so.

 

 

My experience and the experience of my friends is yes, - this does relieve some of the anxiety. It's as if the pressure has been released. But in it's place the pressure begins to build again and even though it doesn't feel that way today, it will likely feel just as bad in a few days when you haven't heard from him.

 

It's like being an addict and taking a hit. We lie to ourselves that we can handle it, just this once. The pain of withdrawal is relieved, but just temporarily until you realize you have to detox all over again.

I could be wrong. Everyone is different.

I hope this gave you some peace and it doesn't come back to bite you in the butt.

Hang in there.

[gypsybird87]

My experience and the experience of my friends is yes, - this does relieve some of the anxiety. It's as if the pressure has been released. But in it's place the pressure begins to build again and even though it doesn't feel that way today, it will likely feel just as bad in a few days when you haven't heard from him.

 

It's like being an addict and taking a hit. We lie to ourselves that we can handle it, just this once. The pain of withdrawal is relieved, but just temporarily until you realize you have to detox all over again.

I could be wrong. Everyone is different.

I hope this gave you some peace and it doesn't come back to bite you in the butt.

Hang in there.

 

 

Thanks. Having never gone through this before, I have no idea how it will progress. I completely understand the logic in what you're describing. I hope that won't happen to me too, but who knows. My approach to this is sort of like walking through a marsh, one small step at a time, and only as long as the ground feels solid under me. If it gets questionable or uncomfortable, then I will need to change course or stop altogether.

 

Thanks for always being so supportive of me. And I hope you are having a good day too.

[reinventmyself]

Thanks. Having never gone through this before, I have no idea how it will progress. I completely understand the logic in what you're describing. I hope that won't happen to me too, but who knows. My approach to this is sort of like walking through a marsh, one small step at a time, and only as long as the ground feels solid under me. If it gets questionable or uncomfortable, then I will need to change course or stop altogether.

 

Thanks for always being so supportive of me. And I hope you are having a good day too.

 

I am. . thanks ;0)

Just curious. Do you really want to be his friend? I mean in the true meaning as friend, with absolutely no romantic feelings.

[gypsybird87]

I am. . thanks ;0)

Just curious. Do you really want to be his friend? I mean in the true meaning as friend, with absolutely no romantic feelings.

 

I'm glad to hear that.

 

And well... answering as objectively as I can (which I'm sure many here would say is impossible), yes, I do. Otherwise I wouldn't be attempting it. He and I shared a lot, and supported each other through a lot. There are things we've told each other that we haven't told anyone else. Our relationship always had a solid foundation of friendship. If that can be salvaged, why throw it away? I don't have so many friends I can afford to lose a good one, and neither does he.

 

It's the "with no romantic feelings" bit that's the tricky part, and remains to be seen. That's the part I have to take one step at a time, and keep checking in with myself and how I feel. If it gets sticky, then I'll have let the friendship go.

[Jonesey0]

I'm glad to hear that.

 

And well... answering as objectively as I can (which I'm sure many here would say is impossible), yes, I do. Otherwise I wouldn't be attempting it. He and I shared a lot, and supported each other through a lot. There are things we've told each other that we haven't told anyone else. Our relationship always had a solid foundation of friendship. If that can be salvaged, why throw it away? I don't have so many friends I can afford to lose a good one, and neither does he.

 

It's the "with no romantic feelings" bit that's the tricky part, and remains to be seen. That's the part I have to take one step at a time, and keep checking in with myself and how I feel. If it gets sticky, then I'll have let the friendship go.

 

Gypsybird87, I really hope this turns out ok for you.

Otherwise, you're in for a world of pain. Again.

What if he doesn't text you again? Or if he texts you only one week for now?

You will be longing for something, for him to reach out to you, and that is excruciating pain. Worse than NC, when at least you have control over it.

You want him back, that's why you miss him so much. You don't want him as a friend, telling you about his new flirts.

Proceed carefully with this, or you might get hurt again, and from I've read from your posts, you don't remotely deserve that. You seem like a wonderful person, caring and givin.

 

Best of luck.

[gypsybird87]

Gypsybird87, I really hope this turns out ok for you.

Otherwise, you're in for a world of pain. Again.

What if he doesn't text you again? Or if he texts you only one week for now?

You will be longing for something, for him to reach out to you, and that is excruciating pain. Worse than NC, when at least you have control over it.

You want him back, that's why you miss him so much. You don't want him as a friend, telling you about his new flirts.

Proceed carefully with this, or you might get hurt again, and from I've read from your posts, you don't remotely deserve that. You seem like a wonderful person, caring and givin.

 

Best of luck.

 

Jonesey, thank you so much for your kind words and for your concern. I have no idea how this is going to turn out. He's already texted me today, so there's no 'what if he never...' but I understand what you're saying: the contact could dry up at any time, and I have to be prepared for that. I'm actually really surprised to hear from him today. I thought it would be several days if not longer before we spoke again.

 

Part of this comes down to trust, I suppose. Staying friends was what he wanted; he was very upset when I kicked him out of my life via NC. Twice. Now he's back in the door, so we'll see what he does with that opportunity. If he was sincere about wanting to stay friends, then he'll put effort into making that happen. If that was a lie or whatever, then this whole thing will fizzle and that will be that. If that happens it would sting for sure. But it would also kill Item #3 from the list of relationship essentials that I wrote on your post, remember?: trust and respect. And if that happens, it will be easy for me to walk away. Well, not *easy*, but you know what I mean. I have zero interest in investing in someone I cannot trust or respect, past history or not.

 

I'm just going to take this one day at a time. Whatever happens, happens. Our old relationship is dead, and this has to be something completely new and able to stand on it's own merit. If it can, it will. And if not, then at least I won't have to wonder "what if."

[denverguy]

DAY #2. Back to square 1

[Wolfshook]

I stepped off the NC train yesterday.

 

I was feeling calm and relaxed, and the timing felt right. I sent him a simple text saying hello and asking how his summer has been. He replied, very excited, "Wow! Hi!!" and a longgg text about how he's doing, and asking how I've been. There followed an exchange of long text messages that lasted over two hours, until I had to go to my class at the gym. Zero relationship talk. It was all friendship talk: work, hobbies, travel, catching up.

 

I feel like a thousand pound weight has been lifted off me. I feel SO much better, I can't even describe it. That feeling of forcing myself to maintain NC was getting unbearable. I feel much better now. I have no idea when we will communicate again, but I'm not worried about it. It's up to him to initiate the next conversation, and if that takes days or weeks then so be it. We are forming a new relationship, as friends, and time will tell if he's a friend I'll talk to daily, weekly, or monthly. I have friends who fall into all of those categories, and he'll land wherever he's meant to. Will we just text chat, or will we ever talk on the phone or see each other again face to face? I have no clue and it doesn't matter. One step at a time, and this first step felt good and right, and that's all that matters right now.

 

Will we reconcile? Doubtful.

Is he dating? Probably.

Can we be friends? True, real friends? I think so.

 

 

Hey gypsy, it's nice to hear that you feel good. Just be careful, this is exactly how I felt when my ex contacted me,then a week or two later it was even worse than before... hope it works out for you

[Loveart]

How do you deal with the fact that you will never see this person again and have zero contact? It just baffles me sometimes...the last time I saw him he had spent the night and then the next week MIA. I know it's for the best because why would I want to be with someone who could do that and also wasn't as into me as I thought they were. I was lead to believe this but then told that there weren't enough feelings...blah...blah...I just hope the next person I fall for is honest and not pretending to be into me

[denverguy]

Day #4 - and counting!

[Wolfshook]

Day #55ish

It's nearly 2 months and I'm feeling great.

It's weird that I can hardly remember her face. And the funny thing is I feel nothing about that. I'm neither sad nor happy about it.

 

Few days ago I deleted our old messages I accidentaly found on my old phone. I reread them briefly. But besides feeling happy I had it once, I didnt feel much, I didnt even miss her.

 

I believe I'm on the good way to move on.

[reinventmyself]

Sept 5th, two months post break up. I stopped counting how many days NC but we were in contact for maybe 10 days thereafter.

I still think about him several times a day, but it's fleeting and with several hours in between times.

I've only had one sad afternoon on Tuesday. But I haven't felt that way in a couple weeks.

 

It is almost shocking how quickly I have gone from feeling this gaping void and the gut kick loneliness, to not knowing how to fit everything and everyone into my schedule. I've experienced this before and while in deep and profound grief I knew it was possible but found it hard to believe that once again, when I cross over to other side - I am content and my life is full and I am beyond busy.

 

I can recall in the past when I decided to date again, I didn't know where I could fit someone in. I can see that happening all over again.

I have tomorrow off of work for an all day girls day, a date on Saturday and seeing an old friend on Sunday.

None (or most) of this would have been possible during my relationship.

 

I will thank him - someday. Just not quite there yet.

[sundayrain]

day #4.

 

reality hitting me like a truck. for the past few days i was still hoping that he would change his mind. that he just needed his space. but after coming to this forum, i understand better that NC is the time for ME to heal.

 

feeling abit panicky and upset today. missing the ex but i will try to get through this.

[gypsybird87]

Hey gypsy, it's nice to hear that you feel good. Just be careful, this is exactly how I felt when my ex contacted me,then a week or two later it was even worse than before... hope it works out for you

 

Thanks, Wolf. I'm still feeling great about my decision. It's been about ten days since we communicated last. I'm still of the mindset that this is his opportunity to make good on, or blow. I have zero control over that, and I'm just not that concerned about it. In general I feel more indifferent towards him now than I did before I contacted him. I no longer miss him; the initial conversation seems to have alleviated that completely. This is the result I was hoping for. It's possible I may hit a wall at some point and feel sad again, but so far I continue to feel better and better each day.

 

I'm glad to see your post, and it sounds like you are doing well too. That's great news!

[Wolfshook]

Thanks, Wolf. I'm still feeling great about my decision. It's been about ten days since we communicated last. I'm still of the mindset that this is his opportunity to make good on, or blow. I have zero control over that, and I'm just not that concerned about it. In general I feel more indifferent towards him now than I did before I contacted him. I no longer miss him; the initial conversation seems to have alleviated that completely. This is the result I was hoping for. It's possible I may hit a wall at some point and feel sad again, but so far I continue to feel better and better each day.

 

I'm glad to see your post, and it sounds like you are doing well too. That's great news!

 

Oh that's great then! Nice to see you doing great

 

Yeah, I'm pretty much veteran at this whole nc thing, sadly xD

[bots10]

No contact has gone down the tubes, I essentially gave up. She moved in with the guy she cheated on me with. (3 months post break up after 5 years). She texted me in regards to financial crap between us. I'm done trying, done caring, there is no point of worrying about no contact because truthfully after 3 months whenever she has contacted me has been cold and never wondered how I was.. Etc. Over it. Not even sure I would want her back even if she came back. She ruined my life.

[exnihilo]

I broke up with her last Tuesday. I said some disrespectful things, regretted it, and tried to talk to her the next day but she ignored me. Then I tried again Friday night with an actual apology. Finally she responds Saturday afternoon along the lines of "I hate not having you, but you've crossed too many lines. I'll miss you." I didn't respond. She called later that night and I didn't answer or call back.

 

I'm not really sure what I'm doing right now. We were only together for about three months, but we saw each other almost every day and practically lived together. I miss her like crazy and would like her back, but I also think the time apart might be worthwhile for us.

 

I don't know. Should I have answered when she called? Should I hold out until she contacts again or reach out to her?

 

I don't like playing these kinds of games, but unfortunately in my experience they tend to work the majority of the time (in the sense that being less available increases their attraction).

[reinventmyself]

 

I don't know. Should I have answered when she called? Should I hold out until she contacts again or reach out to her?

 

I don't like playing these kinds of games, but unfortunately in my experience they tend to work the majority of the time (in the sense that being less available increases their attraction).

 

There is a difference between going NC and playing games to "increase someone's attraction"

[exnihilo]

There is a difference between going NC and playing games to "increase someone's attraction"

 

Like I said, I don't like playing games but there comes a point where you realize that they "work" and that everybody is playing them to some degree.

 

If you're implying that I shouldn't be posting in this thread, that's fair enough. But I'm conflicted myself and wanted answers to the questions I asked.

[reinventmyself]

Like I said, I don't like playing games but there comes a point where you realize that they "work" and that everybody is playing them to some degree.

 

If you're implying that I shouldn't be posting in this thread, that's fair enough. But I'm conflicted myself and wanted answers to the questions I asked.

 

no. . just something to think about.

[Wolfshook]

NC day #4

 

She contacted me through her sisters number. Told me we need to talk about something, I told her I'm busy learning so she should be quick if it's really important. She told me we will talk some other day. Havent talked yet.

 

Some people can be very persistent in their stupidity.

 

It doesnt hurt much this time though, I hope it stays this way.

[gypsybird87]

NC day #4

 

She contacted me through her sisters number. Told me we need to talk about something, I told her I'm busy learning so she should be quick if it's really important. She told me we will talk some other day. Havent talked yet.

 

*Some people can be very persistent in their stupidity.*

 

It doesnt hurt much this time though, I hope it stays this way.

 

 

Hang in there, Wolf. Your comment above, which I've marked with**, reminded me of something a male friend said to me while also struggling with NC: "I have to be stronger than her ignorance." I thought that was a good way to put it. In any case, it sounds like the effects this round have been much less for you, so that is great news.

 

I'm still doing well. My ex and I have continued to have sporadic, friendly texting, some initiated by me, and some by him. I still feel really good about it. If there's something I feel like saying to him, I just say it. No more of that internal battle and forcing myself to just bear it and keep to the NC. I don't miss him anymore, and he's in my thoughts far less now than he was before. That allure of the *forbidden* is gone, and that's helping a bunch. I still like him as a person, but I can honestly say that my feelings distill more into friendship ONLY with every day that goes by. The butterflies have all flown the coop.

[anon1969]

Day 4, its the hardest thing I've ever done. I miss her so much.

[ginger24]

Day 15. Still hurts so much. Plus it's Saturday and all I can think of is him out on a date and having a great time. I'm sick to my stomach and finding it hard to keep my mind occupied. Even tv doesn't help because I see things that upset me or something reminds me of him. This sucks

 

Blocked him on fb, and haven't looked since. I can't bear to see he added someone new. Keep checking my phone to see if he texts or calls, but silence. I wish this wasn't so hard.

[AlienQueen]

Day 17

 

I didnt want to be back here so soon, you helped me through my last break up, from day one, 2 months later you told me you were in love with me, I told you I wasnt ready, and you waited 8 months for me even though i pursued another guy who lead me on, you were still there for me, and I couldn't help it i fell in love with you. We had the most amazing relationship together, I new you so well, and you were ever afraid to talk to me about anything.

A year and half later, you gave up on me, you said you didn't know what you wanted, you didn't see me as your lover, but I was the perfect gf, you decided in 2 weeks you were ok to give up on me. You didnt want to be with anyone, you left me for a week to decide that it was official and that you were going to have to lose all of me, as I couldn't offer being a friend. 10 days later you told me you'd met someone. You threw everything away, it felt like our past became meaningless, including our future together, you said we weren't going anywhere, but all i wanted was to go to Japan with you. I didnt want to pressure you into marriage or moving in together because I new you'd lived with someone before me who treated you like crap, all I wanted to do was give you life. But instead you chucked me away for a different model. I wish one day you'd realise what you've got rid of...because all I wanted to do was accept you for you are, and love you unconditionally, and now I have to let you go, because I love you...