THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[UnluckyLove]

Day 4, currently in the anger stage of grief. Angry at the fact that I fell for all the lies I was fed. The loneliness and feeling of rejection still hurts.

[Brokenhart84]

77 days. I'm so proud of myself. It took me 3 weeks to start Nc and it's the best thing I could of done for myself. I remember thinking that I could never get through this. Constantly thinking about how to get my ex back. I still think about him all the time but I am doing so much better than before.

[Orpheus85]

Day 18, 7 months since BU.

 

Well still plodding along. Still think of her but have no urges to contact her. Just sad it's over really.

[Natmendez]

Well I never thought I would make it this far. And also I use to think if I ever made it this far I assumed I wouldn't care anymore. Unfortunately that's not the case. I still care and I'm still in love with her. I don't even know why. She hurt me so bad and did the one thing that I could never forgive her for doing. I'm confused at myself. Why do I so desperately want to be with this person who disregarded what we had so easily and dismissed my feelings like they were annoying gnats.

I deserve better.

[Ixtapa]

Day 1

Just found out he is together with someone else. It was bound to happen but it still hurts....

[UnluckyLove]

6 days NC. It would have been 14 days but I said thank you to her text about my brother surviving a terrible car accident. It's been 25 days since I stopped letting her walk all over me (BU). However, I'm the dumpee since I forced her hand, either I go, or the guy you cheated on me with goes. Look at me now, rejected and hurt, while she's out partying and living it up with some new guys (while leaving her 10 y/o home alone). In the long run though, I know I'll come out stronger and better off while she continues her toxic love cycle. God how was I so blind???

[palmer14]

Pretty sure today is Day 57. Seems crazy. I saw her the other day and that set me back but I'm doing okay. Still miss her and want her back like crazy but it will get better. Still just so frustrated

[RockNRollTrain]

Lurker for a few days.

Orpheus85's posts made me post too.

 

 

BU 04.02.2015 after been 13years, 11 months together. 10 years living together. 8 years married.

Long story. I was quite wild (dope, rock 'n roll etc) before I got to know her online. She was in a depression and still living with her ex. (or so she told me, now questioning everything..)

Moved country for her after a bit more than 2,5 years, also to get away from my environment at that time.

Things were great. Went great. Proposed at some point, she said yes , something we both never planned to do, to get married.

On the way we had our share of bumps, but no breakups. I made my fair share of mistakes, so did she. I always could look over it as I loved (d) her.

About 1,5 years ago, she met this female friend. Thatone hasnt a boyfriend. Just s around and is doing so for years.

Since then I noticed our relation was going down the drain. But didnt know how to counteract.

Last October we had a major fight. But no breakup, and after a few days everything was ok again. Or so I thought.

I even brought up "kids" at some point. From then on something broke. But I didnt know what.

She kept telling everytime that all was okay and that she loved me and blah. Yet I fellt her going away.

On the 4th of Februari in the afternoon, she wrote me a txt she loves me, 4 hours later she comes home and says we are just friends anymore.

World fell appart. Disbelief. At first I was angry. Because why would she write me hours before she loves me.

When I calmed down, we talked. Or better said, I was trying to get answers. The only thing I got was blaming. I didnt do this, didnt do that. And so on.

Some things, I know I've done wrong. Some things I seem to have misunderstood in the past, or not understood at all. (To which I said : you know me 13 years, If you see I dont get it, then make sure I get it. ) Other stuff she never mentioned at all.

 

I immediately started doing better where I knew I've been wrong. To no avail.

Cried a lot, still lived in our flat. Tried to talk, pursue, chase, you name the mistake, I've done it.

At some point, she came with "how about time off for 2 weeks. So she can see what happens. Little did I know, so I said no at first , afraid of losing her totally.

Then I thought it over and agreed. Went to sleep at a mates. Things didnt work out, as it wasnt planned to well. All my stuff being in our flat, our dog needing to be taking care of etc. So after a few days we saw eachother again. And I tried again to talk etc.

Then she came with "Maybe we need 6 months or so". But she wasnt willing tp commit to not sleep with others. At that point I became suspicious.

Day later she told me, whilst caressing my back that she noticed shes interested in sex with others, and interested in other men again. During that talk she was like "i know its hard, let it go, I know your pain". Didnt realise it back then yet. She was cheated on in her previous relation.

And thats why she said she knew. Found that out a bit later.

 

She also made two mistakes which made me wonder, like "im not good for you, I dont deserve you" and another odd thing. At this point all alarmbells were ringing.

I made sure I got into her Facebook. I know, not nice, but wanted to know what was happening to us. And so I found out.

She was sleeping with some other guy or guys. At that point strangers to her. One of them atleast aint a stranger anymore. probably together now.

Anyway, she kept denying right in the face for 10 days , claiming i am paranaoid, on drugs again, that i need to go to therapy etc. Kept doing that till enough was enough and I showed her what i've seen. Only then she admitted, and only what she thinks I know.

So I said, we need to separate, Im not willing to go into an open marriage.

 

Then I started looking for a flat, still living with her. Asked her to please not sleep with others till I was gone so I dont get hurt. Needless to say she couldnt hold on to that either. Not sure if she did it on purpose or not. But signs were there, again she ed up by talking too much, by erotic underwear on the dryrack I had never seen in 13 years, lying about were she had been etc. So I found out she had been continuing sleeping with him.

 

So all her talk about needing to be free and finding herself. Its just talk I guess.

All the blaming on me. Is just that I guess. Building a story in her own mind to justify what she has done and continues doing to this day.

Helps to not feel guilty i suppose. I also got the brother and sister speech, the I love you but not enough speech, the can we be friends speech etc.

 

Moved in my own flat on 14th of March. On 17th we should have had our 14th year together. By coincidence (saw her mom with our dog near where I live now, which meant she wasnt home) I found out she ed off for a few days. Didnt get replies to emails for 4 days. Afterwards she was lying again, that she was too busy etc. So I started reading here.

 

Started a NC 5 days ago. But will have to restart due to having to go to our former place to pick up some stuff and papers.

 

@Orpheus : Been reading your story. Just wanted to say one thing. Don't let her drag you down by things she said or says. I think its to justify it for herself. Been hearing such stuff too. "I knew since our wedding it wasnt for always, because you look so mad at one pic" , "I've been unhappy with you for years" (Strangely nobody has seen it and on all pics shes laughing and having fun ) , "99% of the time you've been an to me" and so on. I am difficult sometimes, and maybe an arse sometimes, but 99% lol, the she would have been gone long ago. So, dont let yourself being down because of those things.

 

Strangely, on the net, one finds a lot of stories similar to ours. I also had an impression my wife was depressive again. She even admitted that, and went even further in saying she might be bipolar. In such a state, one shouldnt take lifechanging decisions. But try to tell them that. And since mine seems to have butterflies now, she thinks the depression is gone. It's gonna be a smack on the ground when she will realise.

 

Anyway. That was my story in short.

I miss her around me. I miss touching her. Her voice. Her laugh. Her pretty self.

But its clear to me (better said to my mind, heart seems to think otherwise sometimes) that she is not the person I loved. Not anymore.

What she did and does is disgusting. Never would have expected that from her. She was the one saying such ing around is low and whorish. And now shes the one doing it. Guess it doesnt help that she by now has about 3 girlfriends all doing the same .

So, keeping NC till friday, that will be 7 days (we never didnt speak for longer as one day), and then i hope to get my stuff during the weekend. And then it will be the full monty.

 

@ The others : you can do it. Be strong. Be there for yourself. You deserve to be happy.

[RockNRollTrain]

Couldnt edit anymore, Morpheus : I also was told she was unhappy for years, strangely enough noone noticed it. And she didnt say it. I was told she knew at the day of our wedding that it wouldnt be forever...ouch. I was told I was an arse to her 99% of the time. And so on.

Yes we all make mistakes. But that stuff is not about mistakes, its about justifying it. Mostly for themselves I think.

 

And at all in this thread : Hi, and stay strong!

[Orpheus85]

Day 21 NC, 7 months since separation.

 

Well I haven't heard from her in a little over 3 weeks. I've got one week left until I get to 30 days. There's a part of me that doesn't want her to contact me ever again but alas there's a part of me that wishes for that contact.

 

I miss her damn good cooking, her enthusiasm for certain tv dramas, her boring long drawn out conversations ☺ etc but at the same time finding the days to be getting easier. I don't have any urges to contact her.

 

I find myself hating the rawness of life. I wonder at night who's arms shes lying in. I have this ball of sadness in my heart and feel forgotten by her. totally out of sight out of mind. I hate that I think of her throughout the day and night. Hearing the word "wife" makes me sad 😔 and I instantly spiral internally... makes me wonder what my "wife" is up to...

 

Chugging along 😡😒.

[Orpheus85]

Welcome! Misery loves company 😊.

 

I feel for you, I truly do. It's going to suck for a long time. It's hard to reverse that "together forever" mentality that I find comes with marriage. I hate how easy it seems to be for them. Stay strong and keep working on your sh*t. It's the only thing you can do.

 

Thanks for your words. I find 6 + months on that it's those sorts of things that shes said that haunt me. It really screws with your self esteem and ego. She told me "the well ran dry". I do believe they narrate a story for themselves to justify their actions. I'm sure I've been painted as some wicked characture of myself to her friends and family in order to gain their sympathies. She told me her brother hated me now. So obviously she's said something to him because we've always gotten along. That sh*t cuts me 😣.

 

Read up on walkway wife syndrome.

[Orpheus85]

I find these are good songs to youtube during No Contact.

 

1.Tonight I'm getting over you - Carly Rae Jepson.

2.Ten Tonne Skeleton - Royal Blood.

3. Don't Speak - No Doubt.

4. Habits (Stay High) - Tove Lo.

5. Heartless - Kanye West.

6. Battlescars - Guy Sebastian

7. Outside - Calvin Harris feat. Ellie Goulding.

8. Demons - Boyce Avenue (Imagine Dragons cover).

9. Cruel - The Veronicas

10. The Devil In I - Slipknot.

11. Prayer in C - Robin Schultz & Lilly Underwood.

12. Going Under - Evanescence.

13. The Heart Wants What It Wants - Selena Gomez.

14. Rehab - Rhianna.

15. Like A Stone - Audioslave.

[RockNRollTrain]

Didn't read up on that one yet. Read about other stuff. Will search it up, thanks. I know we find such things being said haunting. Which is why I wanted to tell you that you shouldn't believe it all. I came accross an article that describes it pretty well. Not sure if its exactly the same in your case, but sounds a bit like it. Can certainly apply it to my ex-wife.

It's called "The wayward fog". Made me understand what happened from short before separation, whilst separation, and she's even doing it to this point. The lies, the ignoring, the not telling, the blaming, the changing our history and so on..

 

On some sites they advise telling family, friends etc all about it, just because of that. In my case, I noticed that she is telling everyone, including me, something else, depending how close she is with them, depending how close they are to me. One thing she mostly "forgot" is her part, from not giving any effort and not telling me for months to cheating and what she proposed me in order to keep being married. That stuff she only told her 3 "good friends". I had a good relation to most of her family, so said bye to them in a simple txt message. And did not mention anything either. At some point, if I cross them, I will however tell them the real story. After they've seen that she suddenly is already into a new relation. If I do that now, it will be dismissed as trying to make her look bad and stuff I think.

 

Thanks for the music list. Am a huge music fan, and listening to music helps indeed. Bought a thing to hang up on the wall for my new flat saying : Where words fail, music speaks.

Personally I grab the heavier stuff , as melancholic music makes me also sad.

 

Day6 : Wrote a mail back to her (as she asked when i was going to come around to get the last bits out of our previous flat) asking to give me dates when I can pick up the last bits of my stuff. And asked in the mail to stop writing me what I should do and what not in order to get all paperwork done. I can use help with it as she did it always since I live in her Country, but I don't want/need it from her. Is that also breaking the NC already? When yes I am back on Day1.

[Orpheus85]

Thanks for pointing me to that Wayward Fog information. It's very similar to Walkaway Wife Syndrome. I see what you mean about not taking that stuff on board now. It's still hard but I can see where it comes from now. I'm pretty interested in that sort of stuff even though I have no desire to reconcile, it helps me work through what's going on. I don't want to come out of this worse. The best revenge is to live well so I'd rather work through it now than block it out.

 

Re: Music - Ha ha yeah I'm into rock/metal traditionally but had to diversify as they don't typically sing about break ups. Plus now the metal/rock genre reminds me of my ex as we used to go to concerts all the time together and shared a love for a lot of the same bands. Slipknots latest album helped me get through my really angry/sad stage and it's release was timed perfectly.

 

Re: Your NC sitch - Yeah any contact puts you back at day 1 but that's ok. You've still got to communicate to get your things etc so don't worry

 

One other thing. My wife suffers from depression as well and it has been queried as to whether or not she has bi polar. She was taking medication for it until she left. Now she says she doesn't take her meds, feeling incredible and that I was the cause of her depressive thoughts and that she doesn't in fact believe she has depression/bi polar. I too am waiting for that crash to come but I don't think her pride will let me hear of it or see that. But it's inevitable. She's never happy and will ultimately cycle back into that depression at some point. Maybe once her new boyfriend ditches her . A little too late by then methinks. Eh good luck too 'em I guess...

 

Anyway thanks for the advice! It's much appreciated.

[Orpheus85]

Day 22 NC, 7 Months since Separation.

Feeling pretty good today after crossing the 3 week mark again. I still have random thoughts of her throughout the day but they pass quickly. Kinda like cigarette cravings. I guess I could look at this whole thing like it's giving up a drug cold turkey. The weather here is apparently meant to be nice this weekend and I've lined up my weekend so I'm busy and distracted I just want to get through the next 8 days in peace and finally reach that 30 day record that has so far eluded me. I hope everyone has a great weekend.

[mandeelove]

January 2nd was the last day i heard my ex voice. Nc since then. Some days are easy.some day grow hard and i get angry at him and myself . But theres progress in every day.

[Natmendez]

My ex sent me an email the other day explaining things about finances we shared. I felt like the email was irrelevant and she could have made those decisions on her own without having to send me an email. Also it hurt because I felt like my nose was being rubbed in the fact that we are no longer. I still haven't gotten over here and those weren't things I wanted to hear from her. Anyway the email came as a huge surprise since I hadn't spoken to her in over three weeks. I lost my bearings and ended up of sending her response, but the response wasn't the nicest. I said a few choice words, etc. Since that day I've become self destructive and have repeatedly made terrible choices. Sending her emails, drinking, drinking while at work, lost my job because i passed out and got caught. I was hoping that by not hearing from her for an extent of time I would be able to handle communicating with her with some composure. I just have so much resentment and I still can't accept the fact that we are over. I'm still in love with her even though she cheated on me. I guess the feeling of rejection is a hard pill to swallow.

[palmer14]

Broke NC last night after 60 some days of it because I heard she was asking people about me and told one of her friends that she was missing me. Did not go well. She pretty much just said that she has no feelings for me, and does not want anything ever again. I am not feeling as bad as I thought I would, maybe I needed this last push to move on. Stick with it people, and don't have any false hope.

[UnluckyLove]

Day 12. Should be day 20 but I said 'thank you' in a text when she found out my brother was in an accident. 31 days since she BU. It's hard that I work with her. I have a strong feeling she's with someone new already. Do the days get easier as time goes on? No

[Drummerguy18]

DAY 3

 

I started NC three days ago, but did not see this thread until now. I thought about her all weekend long without fail and I'm miserable. We've been apart for two months now and we were really in love. We were together for 14 months and it started in high school. Distance caused problems (two different colleges) and I called it off, but I regret it. She is doing well and is very clear that she does not want to be in a relationship with anyone for the time being. I suppose she's enjoying herself in college. In three weeks it will be my birthday, and although I do not expect any kind of message from her, I am afraid that she will say happy birthday and I will break. She's going to Rome for six weeks towards the end of May and I would really like to see her before, but I cannot do it in this stage. I am not sure if I should ever talk to her again, but I know that for the last two months I have thought of nothing else but the love that we shared.

[Orpheus85]

Day 25 NC, 7 Months since Separation.

 

Ohh man I had a hard weekend with super strong cravings to contact. Didn't give in though. I've felt sad and horrible all weekend and I just wish I could tell her I miss her and that I wish we could turn back time. No point in doing that. She ain't ever coming back I've felt like crying for the past 4 days but nothing seems to want to actually come out. I blocked her and her entire family on Facebook as well. Might help me. Didn't help seeing though that she'd updated her profile picture and cover picture and she's looking great... Hopefully it's just a damn good filter ha ha .

[Drummerguy18]

DAY 4

 

Had a rough last night. For some reason I had a dream that my ex and I were dancing and having fun. Weird as hell and I did not need to wake up remembering that dream as it just spiraled into me thinking about all the things we did together. Had classes today and I worked out and played pickup basketball to keep myself busy in between. One more class for the day and then I plan on studying and just hanging out until I decide to go to bed. Still thinking about her throughout the day though and I wish I could stop. The only thing I seem to be hung up on now is that there may be some possibility for it to work out after college, but that is pretty ridiculous. Hopefully it will get easier from here.

[INxJ]

DAY 1

 

She broke up with me two Sundays ago, but I went to go pick up my stuff and return her key last Sunday. We talked for a bit peacefully, but she told me that her feelings for me changed. After agonizing the first week, I thought she had set me free after that talk, but I realize now that I was just numb that day.

[Orpheus85]

Day 26 NC, 7 months since separation.

 

Feeling a little better today... those crazy cravings seem to have subsided. Just trying to push those thoughts away... Hanging out with my little brother tonight which will be a good distraction.

[INxJ]

Day 2

 

Somehow feel that I got a raw deal. Went through thoughts of how she only saw the negative side of me and didn't weigh that against the positive. Now I'm feeling a mixture of hurt and anger.