If I am so hot then why don't men approach me?

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

How can it be BS when this message board is filled to the brim with guys saying they are intimidated by attractive women?

Because everyone else is outside with the hot girls.

 

I don't know, virtually every hot woman I know is taken. And that's not an assumption, I've seen or heard of significant others. Actually, that goes for hot, cute, pretty, decent or just plain ol attractive. I am sure it's my own bad luck.

 

KO!... You accept that you can't speak for hot guys, but then you go on to assume you can speak for the majority of hot girls about what they want? I've had a lot of people tell me what I want, and they were WAY off base. No one can really say what someone else wants.

 

I've written it many times, don't assume that you know what a woman wants when you haven't asked her. And also, don't dismiss it when she tells you.

You should read the two sentences I said after the assumption, where I pointed it out that it is an unfair assumption, but one based on what I've seen throughout my entire life of liking girls. I know it is not 100% proof globally, but in my world, it is. I'll have to see it to believe it, sorry. And I have yet to see it. Twenty plus years of seeing Alpha on Alpha, regardless of what they say they want, is what I go by since everything else makes me laugh inside. And that is why my kind stays away.

[Miss M]

You should read the two sentences I said after the assumption, where I pointed it out that it is an unfair assumption,

I did read the other sentences, and those other sentences just seem to say that your unfair assumption is ultimately fair, and valid. And even though you pointed out that that I missed part of what you wrote, you're still stating here again that your unfair assumption is fair. I simply disagree with that.

 

Twenty plus years of seeing Alpha on Alpha, regardless of what they say they want, is what I go by since everything else makes me laugh inside. And that is why my kind stays away.

And that is exactly what some of the women here have also been saying, that the men are staying away.

 

But hey, you never said whether you've stopped looking at the ceiling when a woman tries to catch your eye?

[SexySadie7]

I agree clarity, and the same thing goes for the super-hot guys. They are put up on a pedestal and know it. It goes to their head and they often treat people poorly cuz they can get away with it. Everyone kiss their southend, so to speak.

sometimes I will see a really handsome guy and just look at him, and usually all i get is this snarl back in return, like, "How dare you look at me? you are far below my league!" So... i can certainly see why guys don't approach really "hot" women. Who wants to be shot down?

BTW, looks really are so NOT everything. The best boyfriend I ever had was hardly what you could call a looker. But he had everything else going for him, talent, brains, personality, humor, great in bed. After awhile of getting to know him, his looks really didn't affect me at all. In fact i thought as I got to know him, that his funny looks were sort of cute. I was madly in love with him.

Then I've dated "lookers". Guys who were something you could put on a magazine cover and they weren't half the things this not-so-cute guy was. There's no comparison. Looks ONLY go so Far!

I so wish that Western Society would not make it such an issue as far as looks go. Why couldn't we have a kindness contest, or a generosity of spirit contest. It's always got to be about the looks. And to be honest, the narrow range into which a "good-looking" person falls is so, so narrow.

You don't hardly see an Oriental woman on a magazine cover, or Hawaiian, or Jewish, or even some the black women who are top model could pass for white women at a glance! i mean Beyonce is a pretty girl, but how many black women do you know that have naturally straight light brown hair??

Not many...I don't know. I just get fed up with society cuz it's so shallow. I'm thinking of just not watching tv anymore. I notice that not one of the commercials shows average looking people on it anymore. It's all about how "hot" you are, to sell a product.

I don't to model myself after anyone really! I'm an individual and like the fact I'm different looking. Course, that translates as "ugly" or not attractive, so I guess I'm outta the loop too. Oh, well..... lol

[JadedStar]

What it sounds like is being said is that yes, there are MANY men on this board who are afraid to approach a pretty woman. however, the men you see on this forum are not representative of the entire male population. These men here for the most part are more sensitive and from their own admission lacking in self esteem. of course they will have a hard time approaching girls.

 

But I know from experience in my 40 years of life that for every one man who is shy and too insecure to approach a girl, there are five that are not and who are see an attractive woman and hormones go full steam ahead.

 

I think that is what the person you quoted was trying to say.

 

Typically the "hot" female who is unapproachable are the really drop dead gorgeous model types. That type of female can be mistaken for being taken or snobbish or whatever. Many times that assumption is false. For the "regular" attractive female, most men won't hesitate to smile and approach her and say hello. Even the "hot drop dead eyes fall out of your head" gorgeous girl WILL get approached a certain number of times even if not as often as the regular attractive chicks.

 

Bottom line is, if a woman is putting off an air of "unapproachableness" she likely won't be approached often. I implore all of the women on this thread who feel they are hot and not approached to examine the vibes they are giving off. I won't drop names but there are a few posts on this thread written in such a way that it sounds like there is a sense of self entitlement and even a little air of "i am so great why wouldn't anyone want me" kind of thing and that does not look attractive no matter what your exterior looks like.

[Altruist]

I have had this issue for a long time now.

My female friends describe me as "hot"

My male friends and people i know well describe me as "hot" but yet no man has ever ever ever dared to approach me.

Now and then i will spot someone looking at me or flirting with me but that's as far as it goes.

 

So my question is if i am so hot then why aren't men approaching me?

A friend once told me "you're to hot and they feel intimidated by you and they think you're most probably taken by the way you look"

 

I totally disagree with her and think that someone being good looking couldn't be a deterent.

What are your thoughts?

 

I have the same problem...i am done trying to figure it out.

 

Post some pics so that we know if you are really hot. You might all be mistaken. You could PM too.

[AloneAgain2006]

What it sounds like is being said is that yes, there are MANY men on this board who are afraid to approach a pretty woman. however, the men you see on this forum are not representative of the entire male population. These men here for the most part are more sensitive and from their own admission lacking in self esteem. of course they will have a hard time approaching girls.

 

But I know from experience in my 40 years of life that for every one man who is shy and too insecure to approach a girl, there are five that are not and who are see an attractive woman and hormones go full steam ahead.

 

I think that is what the person you quoted was trying to say.

 

 

 

Thanks for explaining my post JadedStar. Most males on Eforum are not aggressive Alpha males, myself included. They are not a good representation of the male population.

 

If a person is genuinely physically attractive she/he will get lots of attention from the opposite sex if he/she puts themselves out in the public to be seen.

 

I have one male friend who I would call truly hot. He gets lots of women falling for him all the time.

 

I used to go out with one hot girl and she would always get hit on no matter where she went.

 

I think we throw out the adjective 'Hot' too many times to describe above average looking.

[RogerDoger]

and it's not just screwing that i'm talking about. i mean, let's say you're an average looking girl with a HOTT bf. well, when he goes out without you, you would be soooo worried about other girls getting on him and stuff wouldn't you? other girls would constantly be on him and you would probably not be able to deal with girls hotter than you flirting with him. i think guys are avoiding those problems (just the other way around lol).

 

I don't think hot guys think like that (I know men extremely well because I am one and I've been in very heavily male dominated environments all my life). If a hot guy actually wants something more than looks and is not superficial, he will take an average looking girl who has something in her personality that intrigues him. And he will not want another girl. If he is one of those superficial, bang and bail hot guy types, he prob wouldn't have a gf, let alone an average looking gf.

 

To answer the OPs question, from a guys perspective, it is sooooo hard for most guys to approach an average girl, let alone a hot girl, and ask her out. Personally, if I see a hot girl I almost instantly say to myself "forget it, she has some boyfriend who gives her everything that you can't." I think that's a bad philosophy but that's just how I've been made to feel and I'd like to change it. I'm hardly an authority on this but I just thought I'd offer my opinion.

[TheRedQueen]

Thanks for explaining my post JadedStar. Most males on Eforum are not aggressive Alpha males, myself included. They are not a good representation of the male population.

 

If a person is genuinely physically attractive she/he will get lots of attention from the opposite sex if he/she puts themselves out in the public to be seen.

 

I have one male friend who I would call truly hot. He gets lots of women falling for him all the time.

 

I used to go out with one hot girl and she would always get hit on no matter where she went.

 

I think we throw out the adjective 'Hot' too many times to describe above average looking.

Excellent post!!!

[CaptainPlanet]

Well it is not just men on these boards it is men I know that get a lot of sex who do not approach women at all in most circumstances. It has a lot to do with the fact that a lot of women need to stop and have a serious look about how they treat the vast majority of men. In my time I have seen terrible rudeness from a lot of women mostly young attractive women (usually not extremely hot). I have a friend who has had many girlfriends, however, even when he is single he does not approach many girls. I'm not blaming women I think that men are just as bad, we all need to stop and have a serious look at how we treat people in the dating game.

 

I rarely approach women anymore they almost never approach me and they have never, ever given me a direct statement or indication of wanting to date me. So yes, I am intimidated by the very hottest women but the reason I do not approach the vast majority of attractive women is because I have been taught that it is innapropriate to do so by the reactions of most women when I first talk to them. I think to an extent the current system is designed so that women can make the first move and then the man can assume the dominant role and continue as if he had made it.

 

 

Jaded Star quoted the ratio of 20/80 of men who don't approach. I would say the ratio is more a 50/50 scenario where the younger men are more likely to approach women. Due to the fact they are more likely to be single and less likely to have had enough bad experiences. However, I would also say that most of the men who are likely to approach women won't be single and will be more likely to be naturally attractive. That would leave only a small portion of the 50% willing to approach a female that is attractive, single and of a similar age. So I can understand why women reject so many men and why they find it irritating when we do approach them.

 

The other 50% will most likely be sitting at home so you won't notice that they exist when you are out on the town making it seem more like 4 out of 5 men want to approach women.

 

That being said if you are attractive you are going to get approached by men. There is still a large pool of us willing to cop rejection over and over again, or not cop rejection, depending on how attractive we are.

 

Be sensible about this, no one is so hot that no one is going to approach them because they are too scared. However, there is definently the case of a nice man you might like who will not approach you because he is too scared. That type of man you probably wouldn't notice anyway.

[GettingBetter]

Dating very attractive women is difficult. Even if you're available and without any attitude, there are plenty of other "hot" girls who are either taken or have a very poor attitude, and so typically--or, at least so we think--we just end up getting shot down anyways.

 

And then, being "hot" is a catch-22 which almost makes being nice impossible.

 

I went out dancing with a very attractive girl. She was very nice--too nice to say no to any guy asking her to dance (and the instant we'd step off the dance floor, a line of guys would form). She was still polite, and still earnestly sought to spend the night with me, but was just too nice to say no to them. But, I liked her for her kindness. Had she been the type to easily say no, then I probably wouldn't have gotten as far with her--in fact, she might have said no to me in the first place, as she is constantly bombarded by guys.

 

This would not have been as much of an issue with a less attractive girl; a less attractive girl can afford to be nicer because she's not in a position where she has to be mean to some to be nice to others.

 

And this extends beyond just dancing. She could have almost any guy she wants, and there's a lineup of guys waiting to ask her out.

[d24]

no offense but if anyone here truly believes that they're too hot to be approached then they're extremely vain, which is more likely the root cause.

 

if you're 'extremely' hot and you're approaching guys and they still don't want to know you then it's one of two things:

 

1) you're not as hot as you'd like to think

2) you have no personality

 

sorry for being a little harsh, i'm in a bad mood today - but this kind of self-indulgent posting of "yeah me too" or "go for it girl" isn't going to help any of them.

 

*hides*

[JadedStar]

I am still hoping littlstar comes back around as I am curious to the response to my post below I posted a few pages back. I am curious as to why this is such an issue to a woman who already has a b/f.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by littlestar

scorpio i always take time to appoach guys now and they are interested for a few days and then drop me lol

 

My current boyfriend actually thought there was no way he could have a chance with me and didnt even take me seriously for the first year of our relationship, he thought i was to good to be true. lol

 

quote: originally posted by jadedstar:

littlestar I have to ask, and my apologies if it was already answered here, but why are you concerned about men not approaching you when you have stated more than a few times here that you HAVE a boyfriend?

 

Do you think you are not approached because you are ATTACHED? I didn't notice this first glance at this thread but did the second time.

 

Are you in need of so much affirmation that even when attached with a b/f you are worried that you are not hot enough to attract men?

 

Girl this is a dangerous mindset. You need to find affirmation about yourself FROM yourself. Not others.

 

I really thought at first you were asking because you are single and tired of not getting approached or asked out on dates. If you are in a relationship I am perplexed as to why this is even an issue?

This thread and the one you had on here awhile back where you kept goig back and forth wtih that bartending guy even tho he was playing you like a fiddle lead me to believe your self esteem is in dire need of a good massage.

[Miss M]

AloneAgain, the reproachful tone of "Don't give me that intimidation excuse. It's BS" strikes me as unnecessarily rude and disrespectful. It also seemed inaccurate according to my experience (still does), so I felt compelled to challenge it.

 

What it sounds like is being said is that yes, there are MANY men on this board who are afraid to approach a pretty woman. however, the men you see on this forum are not representative of the entire male population.

In my view the men on these boards DO seem to represent the general male population. But perhaps that speaks more to my own unfortunate circumstances? Yeah, I've long considered that I probably need to hang out with a different crowd.

 

By the way, my own brother (who thinks my behavior is undeniably sweet and humble) was recently surprised to find out I didn't know that I intimidated the guys when I was younger. He certainly doesn't think I was a snob (that's my other brother who believes that ), but he specifically stated that many men are afraid of women who looked like I did. He was actually very surprised that I hadn't known that about myself. I had been so preoccupied with feeling rejected, dejected, and intimidated that I couldn't fathom that I could intimidate anyone. And I was 45 before another dear friend (a guy) successfully convinced me that I do indeed intimidate men. I just couldn't see it. (And JS, my 51 years trumps your 40 years, but do we really need to resort to using our age to pull rank on others' points of view?)

 

And I still find it illogical that so many of you guys who discount it also confirm that you stay away from attractive women.

 

Also, if for those of you who take a scolding stance, don't be surprised if someone doesn't come back here to receive more of that type of unkind bluntness from you.

[JadedStar]

Also, if for those of you who take a scolding stance, don't be surprised if someone doesn't come back here to receive more of that type of unkind bluntness from you.

 

If that was to me, I have not been unkind at all on this thread. I think I gave some very good views on this to be honest. Some may disagree but that does not make it unkind. I could say your post to me about telling me I was trying to trump your age was very unkind.

 

I also disagree that the men we see post here represent the majority of the population. Most men I meet have no clue about a relationship forum and very few post on them. SO no, my opinion is you cannot judge men in general by the posts we see here (I am specifically referring to the men who post the insecure threads and the threads about being insecure in approaching women. I am not talking about the entire ENA male population. I just wnated to add that disclaimer).

[JadedStar]

We do not always see eye to eye on our thought processes but I have to say CaptainPlanet that I totally think this post is spot on, dead on, accurate.

 

And I was 45 before another dear friend (a guy) successfully convinced me that I do indeed intimidate men. I just couldn't see it. (And JS, my 51 years trumps your 40 years, but do we really need to resort to using our age to pull rank on others' points of view?)

To Miss M, I guess what I am hearing you say is you think men ARE intimidated by looks and that is why you are not getting a lot of direct "hits". Do you think that perhaps the real reason you are not getting "hits" is becuase of your self professed shyness? YOu mentioned on another thread that you are shy and you enjoy that and do not want to change. That is graet, but you do realize that shy people give off a more closed off vibe than those who are not shy, correct? Now let's add to it that you are not in your 20s and that is the age group of guys who normally are the most overt in the pick up scene. The over 40 age group of men are far less inclined to be as forward with "come ons" and hitting on women simply because this is more a younger man thing. Would you really be all that impressed with a man at the age of 40 or beyond overtly hitting on you? Men who are older are much more subtle with things like this. If you are shy, you are going to have a bear of a time getting men to come up to y ou and make moves. Women of the age of 35 and beyond has to be more open and talkative to make men feel more comfortable (when they are 40 and above). Another reason is most men of that age are just going thru a divorce or have been in a relationship and find themselves new to the dating scene and feel very rusty. They are not as inclined to go hitting on women.

 

I was much more attractive at 24 then today but I was hit on less because back then i was so shy that I unknowingly gave off a vibe that I was a snob and unapproachable. REally I wasn't, i was just shy but shy people can come off looking aloof or uninterested. Today I am very approachable and can literally make anyone feel comfortable in a face to face setting and I do believe it is for THIS reason that I get more hits moreso than my looks. I dont think i am any hotter than anyone else, and depsite people telling me "oh you are hot" i find myself to be extremely average. but i strongly believe my personality is my ace in the pocket. I can make anyone feel at ease and at any level from the carpenter to a business exec.

 

ALso I am sorry you feel when i said "in my experience in my 40 years of life" that i was trying to "trump" anyone on age. That Miss M is something in your own conscience as I was doing nothing of the sort. You are projecting something onto me that does not exist. I am not trying to trump anyone. I am well aware of your age as it is dispalyed on your info under your avatar. Why would i try to use my age as a way of trumping you when i am well aware that you are older? That sounds silly IMO and I am not getting caught up in something so ridiculous.

 

So, in my opinion and as i have stated all along on this thread I do not think so much it is one's appearance that is off putting to males but more their attitude. ANd if you are shy as you have stated maybe you are intimidating them by coming off as aloof and uninterested.

[ghost69]

if ur hot i'd approach you. i do remember back in the day being intimidated by really attractive women. but i have enough confidence in myself now that i don't care. there are a few times i was so uninterested in a really attractive woman because her attitude about herself was overbearing.

[poloplayer]

I have a similar problem - kind of.

 

I talk with women very easily, but every girl I meet assumes I have a girlfriend. They always say "How does your girlfriend put up with you working so many hours," or they just ask general questions about my girlfriend, i.e., what does she do, etc. It really throws me off. It's somehow implied that I'm taken, when I'm not. Also, most guys think I have a girlfriend as well. It's really odd.

 

Not sure why that is, but, I don't just ask out anyone - anymore. I've gotten into too much trouble with that in the past, so I try to slowly get to know a little about someone and observe them as well before I decide to ask them out. Chemistry blinds you sometimes.

 

To answer your original question, there are too many variables involved, but, a couple of things come to mind:

 

1. Less experienced male or one who is lower on the end in terms of confidence = intimidated

2. Experienced male who was burned by a hot girl in his past = avoids them like the plague; hot men & women have a certain stereotype of getting what they want and being much more fickle and dog-like with "love"

3. Physical attraction and looks are subjective. Not everyone will look at you and think "wow."

4. Some may not like your personality. They may find you to be too loud, too quiet, too this, too that, etc.

5. Many of the men you meet may have girlfriends and are faithful. They aren't really looking to meet new people.

[Leonhart]

I have a similar problem - kind of.

 

I talk with women very easily, but every girl I meet assumes I have a girlfriend. They always say "How does your girlfriend put up with you working so many hours," or they just ask general questions about my girlfriend, i.e., what does she do, etc. It really throws me off. It's somehow implied that I'm taken, when I'm not. Also, most guys think I have a girlfriend as well. It's really odd.

 

Not sure why that is, but, I don't just ask out anyone - anymore. I've gotten into too much trouble with that in the past, so I try to slowly get to know a little about someone and observe them as well before I decide to ask them out. Chemistry blinds you sometimes.

 

You must be really good looking, to be getting that kind of reception! Take it as a compliment!

 

When I have told people, in the past, that I had a girlfriend or a date... they almost could not believe it. They looked at me as though I was lying or like it was some freak accident or something. Does wonders for your self-esteem.

[JadedStar]

Great POST!!!

 

As for this - "How does your girlfriend put up with you working so many hours," or they just ask general questions about my girlfriend, i.e., what does she do, etc. It really throws me off.

 

Dude trust me when I say this because as a woman I know i've done this too - when a girl does this, asks about your wife or g/f, nine times out of ten she has some interest in you and is very non chalantly trying to find out if you have a g/f or in a relationship. We women do not normally say "so are you single" LOL but we DO ask things like "so what does your g/f think about that" hoping to get the answer that way.

 

If you get this a lot, chin up pal. You have some ladies very interested in your relationship status and they probably are hoping you are single. I have never asked a guy that g/f question unless i was interested and really wanted to know if he were single or attached.

[Royale]

Amen to that Jaded, haha. The only times I bring up questions about a girlfriend is when I'm at least somewhat hoping he doesn't have one. Or if I'm not sure he's gay.

[iwishiknew]

I have approached hot girls before and never had any success..Shes hot and I am ugly, that doesn't make a good chemistry.

[Leonhart]

I have approached hot girls before and never had any success..Shes hot and I am ugly, that doesn't make a good chemistry.

 

Yeah, it's tough. I can relate to what you're saying.

[poloplayer]

There is some truth to that, but, there is more than meets the eye.

 

I have approached hot girls before and never had any success..Shes hot and I am ugly, that doesn't make a good chemistry.

 

Well, what do you want out of someone? I've experienced chemistry many times before - a magical high in some case. But once the lust wore off, then the agony and dread settled in. There is always more than meets the eye.

 

Listen, like I mentioned before, hot men and women know they have looks, and some know and flaunt their hotness. Tell me, what does that say about a person? Is that really what you want?

[emma34]

i have the same problem. guys just don't approach girls anymore...have to do it yourself.

[Leonhart]

i have the same problem. guys just don't approach girls anymore...have to do it yourself.

 

They do, but only if the girl is really good looking, and only if they are good looking themselves (i.e. confidence).