If I am so hot then why don't men approach me?

[Batya33]

Perhaps you are able to think your way out of a few million years of human evolution, but most of your sex can't.

 

If a man makes twice as much money, his living conditions are likely twice as nice, his car is twice as nice, etc. How you feel in those environments helps influence how you feel about the person you are sharing them with.

 

Not the people I know - and I know many many women ages 20s-60s. As far as twice as nice car/house, actually it depends on how much he saves and spends and what he spends it on - and if someone had a fancy car it would either have a neutral or negative impact on my view of him as a potential partner.

 

My boyfriend has a nice place - that is a plus as far as spending time there but it has nothing to do with my interest in him as a person or as a potential spouse. Having a nice house or nice car is not necesarily correlated to financial stability and related values. People often live beyond their means or paycheck to paycheck. Also, if making twice as much means even less free time that might be a negative too particularly since I want my spouse to be very involved in raising a family.

[JadedStar]

the OP has a bf -- then why does she care if guys don't approach her? maybe they also know this, and rightly back off

 

I kept forwarding this question back to the forefront lily and got no response. Made me wonder as well.

 

I also wonder - the women who say they don't get approached - I wonder if they do their fair share of approaching? I have noticed some women expect to just sit on a barstool or what not and never be "approachable". I know I get approached quite a bit and I consider myself average. So if these girls are so hot I don't know why I get hit on all the time and they are not. I can only figure it is because I give off an air of friendliness and approachability.

[CaptainPlanet]

I will live paycheck to paycheck for my entire life. I thought that was normal.

 

Hey todd: you sound wise do you think it will make a man happier if he persues and gets high pay vs I guess job satisfaction, or do you think you get a great deal of satisfaction from earning lots of money and having respect and how this may impact dating and personal life ? Which force dominates ?

[Batya33]

I will live paycheck to paycheck for my entire life. I thought that was normal.

 

Hey todd: you sound wise do you think it will make a man happier if he persues and gets high pay vs I guess job satisfaction, or do you think you get a great deal of satisfaction from earning lots of money and having respect and how this may impact dating and personal life ? Which force dominates ?

 

It's normal to live paycheck to paycheck particularly at your age. Not a question of normal or abnormal - it's a question of financial goals. At my age (40) and for the past 10 years or so my focus has been to build a nest egg because someday I hope to work in the home raising a child and that takes quite a bit of $/savings. I also wouldn't feel financially stable unless I had savings and a retirement account. I think the rule of thumb is to have 3 to 6 months of your current salary saved in case you lose or leave your job, etc.

 

Some people get job satisfaction from making a lot of money, some don't. I think it's important to have a reasonable level of job satisfaction and a feeling of competence in order to feel grounded/stable as an adult. Feeling grounded and stable can only be a positive thing in pursuing a romantic relationship.

 

I know you didn't ask me and I hope it was ok to share that last point.

[Lily04]

As I said, it really depends on the girl... I think only really shallow people will just go for guys with $$... if they're not attracted to anything else about them. As I said, at my workplace the CEO there is successful, goodlooking and looks half his age but when he invites hot(ter) girls out clubbing, they turn him down lol... i mean, money can't buy happiness and it won't necessarily buy you gfs either. If you have a winning personality COMBINED with money, thats different... but if you have a lot of negative characteristics too, it won't necessarily buy you what you want. Hot girls tend to like guys who are of similar looks, intelligence, and have a similar lifestyle as themselves to make them happy... so Batya, being an attractive, smart and successful woman will tend to go for guys who mirror her characteristics... it's not just success she's aiming for. There will be those that go for that, solely (i.e. my cousin) but I will openly admit that my cousin is the shallow type... she's a model, she had a bad marriage/divorce, and now just wants $$ to make it better... or so that's what she thinks. there are a handful of girls out there, but I wouldn't say that MOST hot girls think this way. In fact I'd say the opposite... it's noted in psychology that most people tend to go for people similar to themselves - meaning of relatively the same attractiveness, intelligence and perhaps even lifestyle...

[Leonhart]

In fact I'd say the opposite... it's noted in psychology that most people tend to go for people similar to themselves - meaning of relatively the same attractiveness, intelligence and perhaps even lifestyle...

 

Yes it is.

 

Whether we want to own up to it or not, this is common knowledge as far as psych is concerned.

[volpe]

I did not read this whole thread because it is 25 pages long so far. But hm.... I was reading some comments about how women give looks of death.

 

I honestly think I'm probably one of them.

 

I consider myself attractive but not "hot". I am often described as "exotic" because people can't place my ethnicity. But I don't consider myself hot or anything. But I do occasionally have someone pursuing me, that I am more often than not..... not interested in. Because these are the guys that seem to pursue anything that moves.

 

I just get uncomfortable I guess when guys approach me directly... I prefer that they have something to say to me that is intelligent. And I don't like to talk to guys that are just hitting on everyone in the bar. And maybe I'm a jerk, but I can't open up to someone right away, I need some time. I don't know. Maybe this is why I'm single. I just hate the dating scene. It often seems so creepy. I never give my phone number out at bars or anything.

[annie24]

I have had this issue for a long time now.

My female friends describe me as "hot"

My male friends and people i know well describe me as "hot" but yet no man has ever ever ever dared to approach me.

Now and then i will spot someone looking at me or flirting with me but that's as far as it goes.

 

So my question is if i am so hot then why aren't men approaching me?

A friend once told me "you're to hot and they feel intimidated by you and they think you're most probably taken by the way you look"

 

I totally disagree with her and think that someone being good looking couldn't be a deterent.

What are your thoughts?

 

I haven't read all 25 pages. Maybe I will in the future, just not right now If it hasn't already been said, try this exercise. Walk into a coffeeshop, and pretend you are a man, looking to ask a woman out, or to talk with her. see the body language that the women are giving off. some are clearly studying for midterms, you won't approach those and bother them. If a woman is a 10, but looks angry and pissed off, you probably wouldn't approach her. you'd be more likely to approach a woman who was a 7 who looked happy and was reading a book you liked, or maybe she is wearing the t-shirt of your favorite sports team. In short, it's all about attitude and the vibe you put off.

 

I'm not so commonly approached either. Or maybe i am and I'm just too dense to realize it. What I do know is that I'm asked out a lot more often when I am on vacation, probably because I'm putting off "relaxed" vibes as opposed to "tense" vibes. It sucks to have to say, "well, thanks for the invitation, but I'm getting on a plane and going home tomorrow!"

[JadedStar]

Great post Annie!

[real2]

Beautiful girls are always intimidating. We usually assume they get approached consistently, by good looking alpha males playing mainly on their looks or their lustrous sexual vocabulary.

 

Don't approach a girl with ANY expectations of picking her up. Especially if you don't have game. When you go in with the intention of getting something, you change your personality, and come off as completely Fake since you won't be able to keep up with yourself.

 

For me, I find it so much easier to talk with a girl if I know or assume she won't be interested from the beginning, just like everything else in life;

 

No expectations means no pressure, means you don't come off as fake, right?

[skyblue1]

For me, I find it so much easier to talk with a girl if I know or assume she won't be interested from the beginning, just like everything else in life;

 

No expectations means no pressure, means you don't come off as fake, right?

 

Best way to be yourself. I find when i go on dates and i like the person i usually get all these thoughts flowing through my mind does he like? WHat can i say to impress him? Next date i think i will take this comment away with me and practice it. Thanks

[Lily04]

here is my theory/thoughts on this:

 

i don't think it's about how 'hot' you are. I went out with this guy last night for instance... it was sort of a blind date, but we saw pics of each other. anyway, he was attracted to me before we met, after looking at pics and chatting a bit. what happened when we met? although i would say he's relatively less attractive than myself (although he's still not bad, maybe a bit above average in terms of looks) I could tell even before we started chatting he didn't seem that interested. the vibe was off. he just simply wasn't attracted to me. I was shocked. We did go for a walk around town, and ate sushi together but it was more of a 'friends' vibe i got from him and although i wasn't attracted to him either, I was completely shocked that he wasn't attracted to me. i couldn't believe it. After the date, I confronted him about it, saying I could tell even before I said a word that he wasn't attracted and he was just like "wow... i'm that transparent?' I asked why, and he said he didn't know... I am a goodlooking girl but he just didn't find me attractive, it was just the vibe between us I guess. I think it's called phermones actually? we just didn't have a connection... he's more of an 'earth' guy -- vegetarian, really laid back, wearing a Simpsons t-shirt and shorts on the date, whereas I am more the ambitious, goal-directed type... i am also not as low-key... i had my hair styled and makeup done nicely, wearing stylish clothes. I guess I wasn't his 'type.'

 

Does this mean I'm not attractive? At first I thought so... I sort of have a lot of insecurities if people didn't notice on here lol (about my hair and weight, even though i am technically underweight i suppose), so i sort of waaaaaay overreacted at his comment. but after discussing it more calmly, came to realize that despite how 'hot' you may be, not everyone will like you. You can't force people to feel attracted to you, either -- it just is, or it isn't. I know some hot guys who work at like Hollister and Abercrombie and have that 'look' and I wouldn't really give them a second glance... I mean, i can acknowledge that they ARE goodlooking by objective standards, but they are not guys I would flirt with and hope to date. they're not my type in other words... maybe guys at a more upscale place though lol j/k...

 

anyway... that is my theory on it. you'll may be attractive but that doesn't mean you'll appeal to everyone. if you have a complicated personality this is probably even more the case... i.e. if you're really introvertive/shy or vibe you give off.

 

lily

[Batya33]

I think that some people have the requirement of being attracted right off the bat or they completely shut off. I know of other people who are very attracted to their spouses/SOs who freely admit that they were not attracted at first sight. One, who happens to be very attractive, says she wasn't into her husband at all for the first four dates but wanted to give him a chance. After that, she was, they fell in love and have a great marriage last time I spoke with her.

[Leonhart]

anyway... that is my theory on it. you'll may be attractive but that doesn't mean you'll appeal to everyone. if you have a complicated personality this is probably even more the case... i.e. if you're really introvertive/shy or vibe you give off.

 

lily

 

That's true.

 

It has more to do with your outlook and attitude than it does with one's looks. It's like Kelly Bundy told Al on Married with Children, "If you think you're good looking, other people will too."

 

(Of course, she was pretty attractive in the older episodes, so...) But whatever. The point remains that how one carries oneself and what one believes about oneself will shine through even the ugliest or cutest of exteriors.

[Lily04]

I think that some people have the requirement of being attracted right off the bat or they completely shut off. I know of other people who are very attracted to their spouses/SOs who freely admit that they were not attracted at first sight. One, who happens to be very attractive, says she wasn't into her husband at all for the first four dates but wanted to give him a chance. After that, she was, they fell in love and have a great marriage last time I spoke with her.

 

yeah. i suppose what i couldn't figure out was why he wouldn't find me attractive at first sight, considering he's not that hot himself. but he just didn't.. i wasn't his type. i still think it was quite rude of him to be that transparent about it though -- i mean if i went on a date with a hot guy, even if i didn't think he was 'my type' i would still not act so... disenthused/disinterestd... i mean, at least he's attractive right? i don't get it..sigh

[Lily04]

That's true.

 

It has more to do with your outlook and attitude than it does with one's looks. It's like Kelly Bundy told Al on Married with Children, "If you think you're good looking, other people will too."

 

(Of course, she was pretty attractive in the older episodes, so...) But whatever. The point remains that how one carries oneself and what one believes about oneself will shine through even the ugliest or cutest of exteriors.

 

umm what i'm saying is actually completely the opposite lol... k i obviously think i'm attractive, and more attractive than him, but he still wasn't attracted to me. so just because i found myself attractive doesn't mean he will too... well he DID admit that I was goodlooking, but regardless, when he first saw me he wasn't attracted to me... i dunno, not the right connection between us i guess.

[Batya33]

yeah. i suppose what i couldn't figure out was why he wouldn't find me attractive at first sight, considering he's not that hot himself. but he just didn't.. i wasn't his type. i still think it was quite rude of him to be that transparent about it though -- i mean if i went on a date with a hot guy, even if i didn't think he was 'my type' i would still not act so... disenthused/disinterestd... i mean, at least he's attractive right? i don't get it..sigh

 

I don't think one's looks has anything to do with who they are attracted to. I have been on dates where it was obvious that he wasn't attracted to me. I ended the date early. I agree it is best to at least be friendly and if you can't be, end the date early. It also sounds like you were labeling him based on what he was wearing - I find it's better to presume that someone is an individual and not label them based on clothes or mannerisms right off the bat. I know I don't like to be boxed in/labeled like that.

[Lily04]

I don't think one's looks has anything to do with who they are attracted to. I have been on dates where it was obvious that he wasn't attracted to me. I ended the date early. I agree it is best to at least be friendly and if you can't be, end the date early. It also sounds like you were labeling him based on what he was wearing - I find it's better to presume that someone is an individual and not label them based on clothes or mannerisms right off the bat. I know I don't like to be boxed in/labeled like that.

 

sure, but it seems like he was doing the same... I mean even before we started talking he labelled me as 'not his type.' what the heck?? i at least, give guys a little more wiggle room in case he has something interesting to say, but he just dismissed me right off the bat. You're right though -- we should have ended the date early instead of going for sushi. we had some interesting conversation which i don't regret, but i found his attitude was a bit rude at dinner... he even asked if we wanted to 'split' the bill which i am still annoyed with because i'm on a diet and bought like $3.00 rolls and he bought something like $12 and then an appetizer yet wanted to split... umm hello? seriously rude of him.

 

anyway... i just deleted him as a friend from facebook actually, just thinking about him is annoying me now. I think he probably wasn't even attracted to me but the whole 'not the right vibe' or whatever was just an excuse to not hurt my feelings.. lame.

[Batya33]

To me there's a difference between "not my type" and "I am not attracted to this person" - even if I had a type, I could easily be attracted to someone who was not my usual type.

[Lily04]

To me there's a difference between "not my type" and "I am not attracted to this person" - even if I had a type, I could easily be attracted to someone who was not my usual type.

 

so what are you saying? he wasn't attracted to me then, and 'not my type' or 'didn't feel a connection' was just a lame excuse for not being so enthused by my looks? i suspect so. also, he said he was suppppper tired after work and i could definitely feel that, so the 2 combined likely caused that lethargic vibe... but ugh. i don't know, i guess I just expect better from guys on first dates?? i mean if you're not up for a walk and dinner, then cancel don't be totally rude to your date!

[Batya33]

What I am saying is that he saw you and decided he wasn't that into you - might have been based on physical attraction, a vibe he got, whatever. That happens as I mentioned - some people go entirely on first impressions. Perhaps he is one of them. I agree that is no excuse to be rude. I don't think it's "that" rude to ask to split the bill but typically if I am splitting the bill with someone I don't know well and I owe more, I offer more.

 

It sounds like you are perhaps overreacting to a first date that didn't go well - and focusing on what you thought was rude - when what you are actually upset about is that he apparently didn't find you attractive and you somehow believe that if someone is less attractive than you (in your opinion) they are not entitled to rejct you as a potential romantic partner. I realize this is an ego bruise for you but consider whether you are in a place where you can date - it sounds like you are extremely fragile about how attractive people find you. Dating takes a thicker skin than that, in my personal opinion.

 

I would have been really insulted if some of the very 'hot" men I rejected (because while they were hot, I wasn't attracted to them) felt as you did that I didn't have the right to pass them up because they were "hotter" than me. Ick.

[Lily04]

yes I suppose it was an ego bruise... sigh. i'll get over it.

[Lily04]

hmm actually i think the real reason why guys don't approach me (maybe true for the OP as well)?? is that... i don't know how to flirt lol. Miss M's post in another thread spoke to me so much:

 

The bottom line, the best guess for a women/girl who flatly won't look at you (especially after you're sure she DID look at you) typically means her answer (for now) is "no." And if a guy keeps trying to get my attention after I very pointedly stop looking at him, (like staring at a cup while he tries and tries to get me to look again), I read that as seriously impolite on his end. Yeah man, you knew that she knew you were there, so continuing to push it like that is a bit much IMO.

 

As I told her, this post spoke to me so much........see, the thing is....that I'll just look at a guy but then advert his gaze pretty much after that.....i won't speak with him or look at him. maybe this is why guys don't hit on me lol.....duh. i'm too shy to really persist in maintaining eye contact, i just expected them to hit on me regardless.....after that initial contact. maybe i'm too shy... at least in flirting. my old roommate told me that i seriously needed flirting lessons.. that was like 2 yrs ago but maybe she's still right... I am typically that girl who stares at the cup/book/ipod, ANYTHING because i am too shy too look back up...i just convince myself that he can't really be interested...](*,) maybe i need a lesson in self-confidence as well... i mean freaking out because a guy wasn't attracted to me also tends to point in that direction.

[annie24]

we just didn't have a connection... he's more of an 'earth' guy -- vegetarian, really laid back, wearing a Simpsons t-shirt and shorts on the date, whereas I am more the ambitious, goal-directed type... i am also not as low-key... i had my hair styled and makeup done nicely, wearing stylish clothes. I guess I wasn't his 'type.'

 

yeah, sounds like the connection wasn't there. but let's face it, was he even YOUR type? I mean, maybe he looked at you and saw a woman who would rather go to the opera or to a concert rather than sitting at home and watching the simpsons, and he knew you two would be wrong for each other. you can think someone else is cool, but not necessarily want to date them.

[Lily04]

yeah, sounds like the connection wasn't there. but let's face it, was he even YOUR type? I mean, maybe he looked at you and saw a woman who would rather go to the opera or to a concert rather than sitting at home and watching the simpsons, and he knew you two would be wrong for each other. you can think someone else is cool, but not necessarily want to date them.

 

yeah I wasn't attracted to him either. to be honest, I found him to be a bit less fit than I would have appreciated. As I currently work out 6-7x/week, fitness does mean a lot to me. Anyway, I suppose there was a connection, but i knew from after talking with him a bit (i.e. after a few mins.) that it was only as friends... actually the Simpsons is my favourite TV show, I'm quite possibly the biggest fan ever...I thought his casual attire was fine for a stroll around the city, BUT I didn't like his casual attitude so much if it was a date. i guess after the first few mins. he already established we're just goign to be friends but wanted to get to know each other anyway, as we got along fairly well, so why not... didn't have to end the date short just because of a lack of romantic chemistry i suppose.....but i suppose, as an attractive girl and the fact that I was giving my time to him, I would have appreciated a bit more courtesy or respect?? he was just like 'yeah let's drop by my work i want to drop off stuff' without even asking if that was alright with me, and joked about me carrying his bags although i sensed it was almost not completely a joke? I mean... I don't know. it's fine to establish that you're just going to be friends, but you don't have to be rude about it either...