If I am so hot then why don't men approach me?

[poloplayer]

Wow...this thread keeps on going.

 

Okay, what does hot have to do with getting a date? Hot girls (and guys) become a dime a dozen once you are out of college (if you live in a city). They are everywhere! They lose their shine; they aren't the treasured relics like they were in high school or college. It's now a wide open world.

 

Anyone who has dated someone hot realizes that it's not something magical like you thought it was before you got into that relationship. The people who chase after hot are the ones who generally haven't experienced it yet. Sure, many guys I know will check out a hot girl, but never had I heard a guy say that he'd want to date one. Sleep with of course, but date never.

 

Looks aside. How to you present yourself to the world? How do you walk? Carry yourself? What kind of clothes do you wear? How do you wear them? Colors? Shoes? Style of purse? The list is endless. All these 'things' give off cues about who you are and what your personality will be like. When I hear "hot" then I don't think of a warm and bubbly person, which I really like in others. Hot means lust. It means non-relationship material. There are certain things conveyed with that term.

[Lily04]

yeah this is it exactly... it's all about how 2 people connect. just because you're 'hot' or 'attractive' doesn't mean you two would make good dating parterns... the click between people is more important IMO. heck, I see goodlooking guys all the time around here, but some i wouldn't really want to approach or have approach me necessarily because i know we wouldn't get along anyway...

[Batya33]

Not my point. I never assume I will have a high rate of success in the men I approach (or used to approach before I mey my boyfriend) (and I have approached many - I just haven't asked out many on a date) - I am just saying that if you look at who men choose to get involved with for the long term, typically it proceeded where the man asked the woman out and did most of the asking, calling and initiating in the beginning.

 

Now, it's true, there may not be as many women doing the asking so the results are flawed in that way, but there sure are a lot of women who are aggressive without asking the man out - heavy flirting, available for one night stands, casual hooking up or s_x, and again, the "we had sex on the first date or when we first met and here we are happy after a year" is the exception not the rule. Obviously, some of those people are specifically not looking for long term relationships but just look at the number of people here who write that they hoped the casual hookups/one night stand whatever would morph into a serious relationship.

 

I also base my view on the many many men I have spoken to (friends, acquaintances, dates, etc) who have said how flattering it is to be asked out but in reality that's not the woman they typically end up with.

 

I really just wanted to dispel the notion that it has to do with a fear of rejection or being "lazy" - at least for me, it doesn't. I am very socially adventurous that way and I go for what I want.

[Lily04]

honestly I think it depends, could go 50/50 here... I don't think 'who' asks 'who' out is nearly as important as the question of whether there's equality and respect in the relationship... and I am a bit old fashioned in that I tend to insist on the guy paying for the first, and preferably second date as well, as it shows respect and attraction... thereafter we can split the bill. same thing with regards to asking... I can ask out a guy but I would still expect him to pay for drinks if we go out, or dinner... and as long as there's a healthy back-and-forth thereafter it doesn't quite matter who did the initiation... but I do like aggressive guys and so I do really tend to prefer they do that... if not it can be a bit of a turn-offf as well, as it shows they're shy or something... and i'm *usually* not attracted to shy guys... there has been the odd exception every now and then though.

[Batya33]

I don't think it much matters who asks who out first - I am referring to who does most of the initiating, calling and asking in the initial stages of dating.

 

I never like to split the bill. I only do that if I am not interested in the guy at all or if he asks me to (and if he asks me to split the bill on a real first date (not an internet date) that most likely is the last date unless there are unusual circumstances - he left his money home, etc)). However, I do like to take turns treating - to me that is friendlier and less like a business deal. I would be suspicious of a man who didn't trust that the taking turns would work out fairly - that would seem cheap to me or too focused on money. (I do this with certain friends too - take turns). I almost always offer to pay my share on a first date unless he insists on the place and it is a very expensive place and even then I usually offer.

 

I would never ever expect the guy to pay if I asked him out.

 

I don't think it is aggressive for a man to ask a woman out on a date - sounds pretty typical to me. I don't go for highly aggressive men or painfully shy men - but I do tend to go for somewhat reserved men.

[tmp0620]

"I almost always offer to pay my share on a first date unless he insists on the place and it is a very expensive place and even then I usually offer."

 

"I never like to split the bill. I only do that if I am not interested in the guy at all or if he asks me to..."

 

Erm?

[Batya33]

I should have written "except on a first date." A first date is different unless I know there is going to be a second date. If there is not going to be a second date then by definition we cannot take turns (i.e. I can't offer to treat or pay for dessert on a second date if there will be no second date) and I insist so that if I decline the second date he won't feel taken advantage of monetarily. And yes same with the second date- if it looks like I don't want to continue seeing him I'll do the same. I assume that when it comes to later dates we would have started taking turns or have some routine - so I don't need to offer my share the way I would on a first date. If I am interested, I will offer but not insist that I pay my way.

 

For what it's worth most of my friends will insist on splitting the bill on a first date if they are not interested in the guy - I suppose true feminists always insist but I am not one and most of my friends are not either.

 

If he proactively splits the bill and tells me my share when the check comes, that is a turn off or at best it tells me loud and clear he is not interested in seeing me again. Even on an internet "meet" which to me is not a real date.

[ILoveMyself]

here is what i think.....

 

if you are too hot and boys dont approach you that simply means they dont know if you are single and available.....

here is the thing

 

boys really dont like to get rejected(even gurls i must say) so if you are hot they presume you must have a boyfrnd or smthng and 70% of the time they wont knw if you are available and single and presuming you must be with smeone they wont ask u

 

dont knw may thats only my thinking...

[Lily04]

here is what i think.....

 

if you are too hot and boys dont approach you that simply means they dont know if you are single and available.....

here is the thing

 

boys really dont like to get rejected(even gurls i must say) so if you are hot they presume you must have a boyfrnd or smthng and 70% of the time they wont knw if you are available and single and presuming you must be with smeone they wont ask u

 

dont knw may thats only my thinking...

 

yeah i think this is totally true... many guys will just assume you have a bf if you are attractive and won't approach you because they are scared of rejection. some of my (guy) friends told me this about me as well...

[AloneAgain2006]

yeah i think this is totally true... many guys will just assume you have a bf if you are attractive and won't approach you because they are scared of rejection. some of my (guy) friends told me this about me as well...

 

Depending on where you live, assuming the ratio of men to women is one to one, and assuming the girl goes out in public on a daily basis, the attractive girl will get hit on a lot. A lot.

 

Hot women get hit on all the time. There is absolute truth to this. The only time it probably wouldn't happen is if the female is HOT, FAMOUS, and RICH. Then I can see all types of guys being intimidated.

 

And there are enough guys out there who do not care if she is married or seeing someone. Men are horndogs thru and thru. They don't care. There are so many sharks out there you cannot believe it.

[Lily04]

well... i don't think i'm ugly but i don't get hit on everywhere i go either. i don't think i have that look to me though... like i'm not a hot blonde or reallly cute. maybe that's why. guys like girls who are cute... i have a more sophisticated look i think.. i honestly don't know.

[Batya33]

well... i don't think i'm ugly but i don't get hit on everywhere i go either. i don't think i have that look to me though... like i'm not a hot blonde or reallly cute. maybe that's why. guys like girls who are cute... i have a more sophisticated look i think.. i honestly don't know.

 

I think you are putting wayyyy too much emphasis on looks and what type of "look" guys like as if there is a generalized preference.

[CaptainPlanet]

Cute girls interms of "getting hit on" are the most spoiled women there are. I I have found them to be the rudest and require the most amount of effort to get anything out of. They get hit on a lot because they are approachable and men assume they might have a chance as they're not "hot". I find it difficult to get anywhere beyond a conversation with any woman unless she is very overweight or very ugly.

 

I have tried the "getting to know you" approach and established some lasting psuedo friendships, however in the end my feelings for the girls has ruined it. I found such friendships to be pointless as none of their friends would go out with me either as much as you can tell yourself we are just friends it is never the case as one is always attracted to the other if one is single.

 

If guys don't approach you and you are hot and make yourself avaiable to be spoken to and do not act with an aura of superiority, then you are not hot. You are probably not even cute if that is the case that you are never hit on. Mens brains are wired to approach women that we find attractive, perhaps you need to work on being more approachable, possibly a little plain and down to earth. I don't think you should be blaming men if they do not approach you, most do, but I guess a lot won't and that is because they have been trained my women not too. I know, because I am one of them.

 

Next time you get hit on by what you think is a "creep" a "thug" or a "player" you should choose you reactions carefully because what you find so abhorrent is still a person, likely doing his best to want to date you and be nice to you. And the reaction you give might have an impact on a mans confidence with the next woman that might not find him so objectionable.

[Lily04]

oh i get hit on....it's just usually by my managers, profs, doctors, psychiatrists, people who shouldn't be hitting on me. the average guy at the gym/bar will not hit on me. i think i am too complicated...

[Lily04]

and i somehow really doubt that i am not attractive is the case... i'm not ugly.

[Salucious]

and i somehow really doubt that i am not attractive is the case... i'm not ugly.

 

Have you ever posted a pic here? I'm not trying to be a jerk, it's just if you post a pic maybe guys here would say if they would approach you or not because of your looks. It would really clear the air and end this thread. You'd have a straight answer at least.

[Lily04]

Have you ever posted a pic here? I'm not trying to be a jerk, it's just if you post a pic maybe guys here would say if they would approach you or not because of your looks. It would really clear the air and end this thread. You'd have a straight answer at least.

 

yeah i emailed my pic to 3 people and they all said i am 'attractive' or 'very attractive'. the guy i emailed my pic to said i look approachable as well. i dont want to publicly post as it wuold reveal my identity, and i am concerned about privacy issues.

[CaptainPlanet]

You need to calm down. No one like a jittery person who overthinks everything. You need to appear confident and relaxed or men probably won't like you no matter how hot you are.

[dietrying]

Cute girls interms of "getting hit on" are the most spoiled women there are. I I have found them to be the rudest and require the most amount of effort to get anything out of. They get hit on a lot because they are approachable and men assume they might have a chance as they're not "hot". I find it difficult to get anywhere beyond a conversation with any woman unless she is very overweight or very ugly.

 

You used "cute but not hot" to describe me and I really don't feel very spoiled in this way. lol

 

I do have a lot of guy friends and when guys talk to me I am very friendly towards them...but I'm not sure that I'm actually hit on much other than online. I don't get to go out a lot and I'm usually unaware when someone is hitting on me as opposed to be friendly, but still, I don't think I am very lucky when it comes to attracting men.

 

And after reading a lot of posts like this I wonder why I should want a guy to talk to me at all because it is his chances that he likes, not really me.

[bih2003]

Well, after a couple of those myself , it I think depends the vibe you give out too. I personally don't look at anyone I walk for a long time, hence not giving them an idea that i think that THEY ARE HOT as well. I scan through the crowds but ive heard couple of people say that I have a look like I would say OH MAN UR IN TROUBLE IF YOU APPROACH ME! I dont know what kinda of look it would be but they say I LOOK TOOO SERIOUS hhahah, So try smiling or make your nice face ( a grin) maybe that would make a difference if you want some approaches. I personally DONT WANT OR LIKE BEING APPROACHED BC ITS KINDA WEIRD TO ME SINCE I DONT KNOW WHAT I WOULD TELL THE GUY THAT IM NOT REALLY INTERESTED MEETING ONE LIKE THAT. Im more over friends meeting or school or work or family. THAT IS HOW I MEET MY GUYS! love, best wishes ....

[CaptainPlanet]

You used "cute but not hot" to describe me and I really don't feel very spoiled in this way. lol

 

I do have a lot of guy friends and when guys talk to me I am very friendly towards them...but I'm not sure that I'm actually hit on much other than online. I don't get to go out a lot and I'm usually unaware when someone is hitting on me as opposed to be friendly, but still, I don't think I am very lucky when it comes to attracting men.

 

And after reading a lot of posts like this I wonder why I should want a guy to talk to me at all because it is his chances that he likes, not really me.

 

Welcome to the read world. You are not special no one will like you for you, unless you are one of the lucky few who are likeable by nature. It is something you have to build by going on dates and establishing familiarity, building rapport.

[dietrying]

A lot of guys place me on a pedestal without really getting familiar, and I attract so many clingy men. I'm not sure what that says about me. Probably nothing good.

 

But I must say, I've met a ton of people I've found likeable by nature. It's not just a lucky few in my opinion.

[CaptainPlanet]

"A lot of guys place me on a pedestal without really getting familiar, and I attract so many clingy men."

 

So what is the problem you know you can attract men and make them really like you. What about those poor clingly men, they clearly cannot attract anyone, doesn't it make you wonder why they are clingy in the first place ? Constantly rejected, starved for affection ? Do you give them a chance ? or do you reject them because they like you too much.. I am curious. Maybe they would become less clingy if you dated them for a little while. I don't know thats why I am asking you tell me.

[dietrying]

Well I don't know what to think. I thought a girl had to be hot to really attract men. Also there are times I just get glances but no one really talks to me. I really miss the high school setting, was so easy to get hit on there. lol I'm not out of the house enough to properly gauge anything in the time since then though, so I guess I'll just be confused for a while.

 

I become friends with them because I genuinely like them as friends. I'd definitely date someone if they sparked an interest but I just haven't had that happen for me yet. I'm still stuck on one guy, trying to get over him.

[Raiden]

Haven't read the entire thread, only caught on to the last few posts...

 

Can I just say: I'm sorta with CaptainPlanet here. Due to the ever-so-powerful female instincts that you're born with, the shy & sensitive male can easily be misjudged as 'clingy' or, God forbid, a creep, I think, if he approaches a strange girl and starts talking to her. It's just the way we come accross, initially. It can be painful for us.

 

dietrying: You're hot. If I saw you in a bar, or anywhere else, yes I would be very nervous about approaching you. Same goes for any other great looking gal.

 

Which brings me to the OP: Hot girls are intimidating to many men, particularly average-looking and/or shy guys. A lot of stuff goes through our mind about how we might not be 'good enough', etc. I think this could be a large part of your problem with not attracting men...