If I am so hot then why don't men approach me?

[Batya33]

I've worked over the years to improvemy social skills - including when I feel nervous or shy. I think men who consider themselves shy have to take at least part of the responsibility and do the work so that they don't come accross as too clingy or too insecure.

[Raiden]

I've worked over the years to improvemy social skills - including when I feel nervous or shy. I think men who consider themselves shy have to take at least part of the responsibility and do the work so that they don't come accross as too clingy or too insecure.

 

Part of it is out of our control, though. It also depends *a lot* on the girl we happen to be (attempting) to talk to.

 

Of course it also all depends on the environment; I think it's a foregone conclusion that the bar/club scene is perhaps not always the best place for the shy guy (perhaps girl, too) to meet members of the opposite sex.

[JadedStar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Batya33

I've worked over the years to improvemy social skills - including when I feel nervous or shy. I think men who consider themselves shy have to take at least part of the responsibility and do the work so that they don't come accross as too clingy or too insecure.

 

Part of it is out of our control, though. It also depends *a lot* on the girl we happen to be (attempting) to talk to.

 

Of course it also all depends on the environment; I think it's a foregone conclusion that the bar/club scene is perhaps not always the best place for the shy guy (perhaps girl, too) to meet members of the opposite sex.

__________________

 

None of it is out of your control. You are in control of your life and how you react to it.

 

I was a PAINFULLY shy young person and today am nothing of the sort, so YES you can change even a shy personality with a lot of work and FORCING yourself out of your comfort zone. I am not saying that all shy people should change, but shy people who gripe about it all the time and say it is causing them a lot of social failure then yes, they SHOULD try to improve and enhance their social skills.

 

Shy people tend to NOT push themselves out of their comfort zone very often and that is why they stay shy. Force youself constantly to do this and over time and because you will have a lot of practice you will beat this shy nonsense.

 

I call it nonsense because as a formerly very shy person I know that being that crippling shy was nonsense. It made my life miserable. So miserable that instead of whining about it i took the bull by the blls and did something about it. I told myself around the age of 19 or 20 that I WILL NOT live in this cloud of unsurety and fear anymore. It took a few years of putting myself into social settings that would have made my hair stand on end prior but I had to keep doing it over and over until my practice made perfect.

 

By the time i was 30 whenever i told someone that from age three to 18 that I was so shy my knees would buckle if yiou made me talk to you they coudln't believe it. they would be like "YOU? No way". that is because I forced myself to be more assertive and outgoing.

 

BUT, often that introvert from the past still exists in me because even tho I am not shy and can enjoy a crowd, i cannot sustain it for very long. Not becuase i get shy but becuase my former introvert self comes a calling and i have to have my solitude. Being aroudn a lot of people too long DRAINS me and i have to w/draw and go read a book or hop on ENA. LOL I am the type of person that if i have a lot of company over or at a crowded party i have to slip away to a room or area to be by myself for just a little bit to recharge again. Like yesterday i had a house full of people and all thru the day here and there i'd slip into my room and hop on here or just go in my room and talk to my dog by myself. LOL

[Cimmie]

^^

Thoroughly agree JS. Social skills are an acquisition, not inborn.

 

Blaming your own lack of social confidence on pretty girls for being intimidating is ridiculous.

 

Pretty girls just ARE.

 

We don't all look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie. That's life. We all have to deal with the hand we've been dealt. Attractive personalities realize that and take responsibility for themselves and are dynamic and magnetic people, regardless of looks.

 

Passive people refuse responsibility, and whine and moan about it and make themselves deeply unattractive in the process.

 

I'd much prefer a conventionally unattractive guy who was intelligent, a social whiz, charming, emotionally aware, witty, and loving, to a boring self-obsessed pretty boy any day. They are two a penny, but really interesting personalities are not.

[Raiden]

JadedStar: I'm not arguing the toss with you about overcoming shyness. You're right, really.

 

However: You can't argue that a successful 'chat-up' requires the girl to be open to the fact that the guy trying to chat her up is shy, can you?

 

I'm not talking here about a depressed-looking guy who sits in the corner and sulks, just a quiet, yet confident guy... Not every guy is super-outgoing. I think people need to realize this.

[CaptainPlanet]

^^

Thoroughly agree JS. Social skills are an acquisition, not inborn.

 

Blaming your own lack of social confidence on pretty girls for being intimidating is ridiculous.

 

Pretty girls just ARE.

 

We don't all look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie. That's life. We all have to deal with the hand we've been dealt. Attractive personalities realize that and take responsibility for themselves and are dynamic and magnetic people, regardless of looks.

 

Passive people refuse responsibility, and whine and moan about it and make themselves deeply unattractive in the process.

 

 

Thats odd I thought most people were born with social skills those without are classified on the spectrum of autism.

[CaptainPlanet]

There is a very distinct difference between being shy and being unable to form bonds with people and interact socially.

[Raiden]

Thats odd I thought most people were born with social skills those without are classified on the spectrum of autism.

 

Google Autism. You'll find that you're not autstic, or anything similar. Just shy.

[JadedStar]

There is a very distinct difference between being shy and being unable to form bonds with people and interact socially.

 

Really?

 

No there is not. Very shy people have a dififcult time interacting socially. Most that I have ever spoken too. And most shy people do not feel entirely comfortable in crowded settings like parties. They might be okay if they can "blend in" but if they feel spotllighted they don't normally like it.

 

But thanks for your feedback. I was very shy, so yes I know what it feels like. If you have an easy time forming bonds with people and interacting socially then maybe you are not really shy.

[Cimmie]

Autism is a major disorder. There is no comparison with shyness.

[Raiden]

Really?

 

No there is not. Very shy people have a dififcult time interacting socially. Most that I have ever spoken too. And most shy people do not feel entirely comfortable in crowded settings like parties. They might be okay if they can "blend in" but if they feel spotllighted they don't normally like it.

 

But thanks for your feedback. I was very shy, so yes I know what it feels like. If you have an easy time forming bonds with people and interacting socially then maybe you are not really shy.

 

QFT. Shy is when someone finds it difficult to form social bonds.

[JadedStar]

There is a very distinct difference between being shy and being unable to form bonds with people and interact socially.

 

Cambridge Dictionary:

 

shy (NERVOUS) Show phonetics

adjective shyer, shyest

nervous and uncomfortable with other people

 

The very definition of shy is a person who is uncomfortable around people and in social settings so your post above makes no sense to me at all.

[JadedStar]

QFT. Shy is when someone finds it difficult to form social bonds.

 

Captain planet is saying that is not the case. I am saying it IS difficult for most shy people to form social bonds.

[CaptainPlanet]

There is a spectrum of autism from the barely noticeable to the servere cases you speak of.

[JadedStar]

Google Autism. You'll find that you're not autstic, or anything similar. Just shy.

 

Exactly. I am not sure CaptainPlanet understands the defintion of shy.

 

An autistic person is probably shy, but every shy person is not autistic.

[Raiden]

Captain planet is saying that is not the case. I am saying it IS difficult for most shy people to form social bonds.

 

And I agreed with you

 

QFT = Quoted For Truth.

[JadedStar]

There is a spectrum of autism from the barely noticeable to the servere cases you speak of.

 

Shyness also has those ranges from mild to severe.

 

What is your point? Is Ken's problem defining his condition as shy or autistic, or is his problem in conquering this mental state regardless of the definition?

[CaptainPlanet]

Captain planet is saying that is not the case. I am saying it IS difficult for most shy people to form social bonds.

 

Shy is when someone is hesitant or reluctant to approach people thereforeeeE leading to an inability to form bonds. In the other case the person simple cannot form them, despite courage or effort.

[JadedStar]

And I agreed with you

 

QFT = Quoted For Truth.

 

LOL I had no idea what QFT meant.

[Raiden]

Shy is when someone is hesitant or reluctant to approach people thereforeeeE leading to an inability to form bonds. In the other case the person simple cannot form them, despite courage or effort.

 

It takes a lot for me to say this, but you can form social bonds if you put the effort in. I believe in you.

[Raiden]

LOL I had no idea what QFT meant.

 

Each day, we learn something new .

[JadedStar]

Shy is when someone is hesitant or reluctant to approach people thereforeeeE leading to an inability to form bonds. In the other case the person simple cannot form them, despite courage or effort.

 

Shyness does not mean a person has the inability to form bonds...

 

You are confusing AUTISTIC WITH SHY. Autism is a true developmental disablity resulting from a disorder of the central nervous system.

 

Shy is a state of mind usually from severe insecurity AND CAN BE OVERCOME. You should read up on these, you are totally confusing shy and austic, you have them backwards.

[Raiden]

You should read up on these, you are totally confusing shy and austic, you have them backwards.

 

Absolutely.

[CaptainPlanet]

I know the difference.

 

I didn't want to spell it out. There is a possibility some of the posters might be suffering from a serious social disorder. It might be worth getting that checked out.

 

I know lots of shy people with partners they just date other shy people. What I am seeing here is beyond shyness.

[JadedStar]

I know the difference.

 

I didn't want to spell it out. There is a possibility some of the posters might be suffering from a serious social disorder. It might be worth getting that checked out.

 

I know lots of shy people with partners they just date other shy people. What I am seeing here is beyond shyness.

 

If there is that possibility all the more reason to SPELL IT OUT and not be so confusing, as you were mixing the two up based on the posts you made.

 

I dont think Ken is autistic if that is what you mean. He is just painfully shy and I know what that feels like.