Pushed out of the nest.....

[fnlyfrei]

My 20 year old son (21 in September)...and I, had a huge debate, which turned into a very loud dispute, which ended with him getting out of the car in traffic and screaming some not so nice words at me.

My son has lived with me and my younger two sons for a year and a half. He just got a job in November...he stopped paying rent in April, and has spent his paychecks on tattoos, alcohol, pot and junk food. The deal was that he was supposed to be saving up for his own place. Not happening.

He is argumentative, rude and a slob. He wants to play worlds of warcraft when he isnt working. That's it. I took the computer away from him, and the argument started because he claims that the game keeps him out of trouble...he also says that if I kick him out, he will go on welfare.

As you can tell, I am so damn proud of his thinking !!! I paid for his GED test, he passed, and I have tried to talk him into finding a job that pays more than 8 dollars an hour, or going back to school...he feels I am pushing him.

Yes, I am pushing him. He is packing his things now, and I am not letting him live here anymore. Have I failed as a parent? Possibly. But I guess he needs to be out in the rain (yes, it's raining today...) and see that on his own, if he doesn't try, no one is going to feed him, keep him warm and give a crud about his future. I know he hates me right now. Maybe someday he will appreciate that I cared enough to do this....I love him and I do not want to be the one who enables him to be a loser. This is so hard though....I need to hear that I am not a horrible person.....

[EvaGina]

You are NOT a horrible person

My parents were soft on me and it did me no favours.

 

Good job, he should pay his board before getting tatts!! even I know that one!

[PittItaliano]

You are not a horrible person! I wish I had a mother as loving as you obviously are. You are just trying to do what is best for your son, and he's not seeing that. I'm his age, and I too sometimes think I know everything about everything.

 

As you said, hopefully down the road he'll see that you are only trying to do what is best for him. I believe you did the right thing though. It might have been tough, but sometimes tough love is the only thing that will eventually get through to someone.

[Clementine orange]

It's time for your son to start standing on his own two feet and make his way in the world. You are not a horrible mom by any respect. Where is his sense of independence? I couldn't wait to move out from my M and D.

Maybe this is the push he needs and as a parent you give your child(ren) what they need not what they want, right?

[Locke2121]

You're doing exactly the right thing!

[fnlyfrei]

Thanks CO...and all of you so far. This ISN'T easy. He is my child....who shouldn't be acting so much like a child. His girlfriend told him to talk to me and ask if he can stay....that is the problem. He is a good talker, just not a person who follows through. I cannot back down. He will not learn a thing. He hasn't in the past two years. He knows that if he wanted to go to school or find a different job I would support him and encourage him. He has to want to help himself, I cannot hold his hand anymore...besides, he is to defiant to listen anyhow. Its like throwing a kid into the pool and saying sink or swim...and hoping some survival instinct will kick in....

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

either his survival instinct will kick in or he will learn that you are offering him an opportunity...

 

if i got a job that was over $8 bucks an hour ..can i live with you and go to school for a career of my choice =)

[curbie]

WoW = World of Warcrack. It might keep him out of "trouble" but it is better than him going out on the streets and possibly getting shot, or in jail with the drugs. I am not making any excuse what so ever....but he should be out in the rain and get a taste of the real world. Things won't get handed to him and he will learn the second he walks out that door.

[Phoenix_girl]

You are not a horrible person. I know people who have two sons who have no made the attempt to move out. They are both well into their twenties now - one of them hasnt worked a day in his life, and the other only works seasonal on a casual basis. Having them home at this point in their lives is hard on their parents and neither of the kids appears to have any attention to move out.

 

You have done the right thing and one day your son will thank you. He'll struggle for a while till he finds his footing but in the long run he'll be ok. In nature, many animals push their young from the nest (birds especially) so just think of this as a natural step in life

[CynicalGuitarist]

No worries, you're doing the right thing. Sometimes I wish I had the same opportunity, but since I don't really have many friends, I don't have anyplace else to stay Prehaps, if he's a good talker, you might encourage him to go into sales... it might come naturally for him.

[CarnelianButterfly]

You are not a failure as a parent. You sound like you've put up with too much as is. You can only do so much as a parent and then you need to let them go. He's an adult, but it sounds like he's got some growing up to do.

 

Life won't be easy, but it will be a wake up call. He'll see a lot sooner what it means to really be responsible for himself and support himself.

[Dako]

It's the best thing for him to get a reality check at this age.

As long as he can come home for a hot meal when he's down, you can keep an eye on him.

 

Some of my most profound lessons were at that age, living off Top Ramen and peanut butter, and living in uncertainty. Some of my friends had to wait until they left college, 5 major-changes and 101 electives later.

 

You're doing the right thing for all involved.

[spinstermanquee]

fnlyfrei, he is only doing what any young being would do... why walk when you think someone might carry you? Why learn how to fish if you can get someone to give you fish?

 

You are NOT NOT NOT a horrible parent for thinking he needs to fly from the nest. He is not motivated, and you are doing the necessary to help him with that. It's time for him to walk and fish!

 

Sometimes, as parents, we run back and forth between pushing from behind and pulling from in front to help our youngsters, only to wind up exhausted and confused... but you sound like you are doing fine. Keep it up, don't lose the faith... and hackneyed words though these may be:

 

"He will thank you later."

 

Hugs!

[xprincessbugx]

if i got a job that was over $8 bucks an hour ..can i live with you and go to school for a career of my choice =)

 

ha that's what I'm currently doing... I feel better about living with my parents now lol

[Brooke657]

If you did nothing about it you'd be teaching him nothing. I have alot of friends that are still 21,22, some even older that are still living with their parents and it's doing no good. They're spoiled and lazy and I think it's great your not taking it. I don't even understand why you'd want to be 20 and still living at home. I'm 18 and I'm moving up to LA this August and I couldn't be more excited.

[Boughs]

WoW in my opinion is worse than drugs.

 

 

I used to play WoW... somewhere between 8-10 hours a day I played it. Accumulating about 200+ days played over 3 years. I wasted my life. It not only controlled me, but it made me who I am. Its more self destructive than a drug... because MMORPGs are not considered a drug. So thus he has an argument to say that its better to play. In my humble opinion (I've tried pot, shrooms, salvia, DXM, Ex, and coke) I'd have to say WoW is the hardest thing to deal with. The others, I can just stop for 1 week and be fine and not have a craving... WoW is beyond that. It destroys your lifestyle and makes you believe that in the world is better than out.

 

If anything comes of this, I hope he understands that WoW sucks.. it just makes you feel terrible. There are other things that can make you happier. I hope he finds it in his adventure.

[annie24]

for what it's worth, since i am not a parent, and not too much older than your son..... I don't think you are a bad mom at all! you've done all you could do. I definitely think it is good you "shook up" the status quo, he can't live at your place forever, that is not good for him or for you. maybe he will realize quickly that he can't support himself and he will try to go back to school? that would be a good outcome.

 

have you had friends in this situation? what did they do? have you spoken to any therapists?

 

maybe tell him that you would consider him moving back in if he shows that he is trying to fix his life, getting a better job, putting away money, or going back to school, but if he is just being a lump, he isn't holding up his end of the deal.

 

(((HUGS))) good luck, i hope he gets back on track.

[HellFrost666]

You did the right thing... He needs to be taught a lesson.

[sweet_emilia]

your not bad person.. i guess you do ur part as his parents... its up to him if he is take care of what u given to him.... if u let him stay and never change u should let him go for him to know what u want him to know in life. He should experince evrything before he realize hwo important those things you want for him.

[Hangin10]

I know not of a single person of my whole ~700 HS graduating class that no one (besides those that are resident students in another town ISU, UoI, NIU, IIT, etc) that has moved out of their parent's home. I don't know about everyone, of course, but at least around here to be under 25 and out on one's own would be highly irregular. The only person I know of to be out that early is my own half-brother. When he was 18, he ate my dad's sandwhich and my dad got pissed threw him out and that was it. But yeah, it's highly irregular. Your son should have a job, of course, but being completely on his own is ridiculous. Most of my friends don't even know how to write a check; I'm the only one who has a credit card (although I know how to write a check, I don't have a checking account), even though I don't use it particularly often (my mom's just like "you need a credit history, buy things", so I purchase things with the credit card and later prove to her that I have enough money.). I don't have a job, but have had an 8$ per hour job before.

[millaj]

Hi, you did the right thing.. I was a troubled kid and I got pushed out of the nest several times, but I respect my parents now and it took a while, but eventually he will come around too.

 

By the way you are gorgeous.. I looked at your myspace page.

[fragmint]

fnlyfrei, dont feel bad because it seems you have put up with enough. this is what he needs. he was living with you, wasting his life away AND not appreciating you and being rude. he needs a harsh reality check and dont feel like its 'too hard' on him because it isn't that hard if he was willing to work. i worked for a month for 6.25, then a year for 6.75, then i had a job for 9.00 and these were at bookstore, library, testing center. in one year of working i had a job at 9/hr with hardly any experience so if he wants to improve he needs to learn to clean himself up and do something about it because it is possible. i know plenty of people who left home and had to make a living while going to college and even the laziest of them has learned to make it work out so don't worry about it being too hard.

 

hopefully he will want to improve himself and do something active about it. if not well then i dont think its fair for you to keep supporting his bad habits when you have two other kids to take care of and your own bills and life. i know its easier said than done but i have seen a lot of parents let their kids keep doing this type of thing because they couldnt let go of their 'baby' and then it just turns out to hurt both the parents and the kid's lives and i just dont think its fair for the parents at all because they always keep giving chances and getting disapointed and taken advantage of.

[scarew]

Oh no fnly! I am sorry you had to go through this! But all hope is not lost. First as the others have said, you are NOT a horrible person, you did the right thing. Second, there is hope that within the near future he will find his feet and things will be okay between you two! My mother and I had a falling out when I was 16 and I moved out. She became my best friend only 2 short years later. When we look back at how bad it was, we realize that it was probably a pretty average conflict (similar to the one you had with your son). I am not trying to minimalize it, but at the same time, he is not addicted to heroin or anything serious, he is not shooting anybody, and hey, at least he IS working! Its really difficult, but also common. So don't worry, just tell him that you love him and hopefully everything will pass over soon. Tell him that your house is available for him if he keeps his life the way you want it, if not, then he just needs his own place. But that doesn't mean he is not your son, and doesn't mean that his company is not welcomed.

 

Its hard to stand your ground, good on yah fnly.

[musicguy]

her story sounds like the situation with me and my mom *sigh* minus WOW

[volkim]

You are not a bad person, you are not a failure as a parent. I did not have a lot of parental care/support in my life and due to that I am 100% self reliant.

 

Just a little note to the people who said WoW = World of Warcrack and that Warcraft is worse then a drug. I totally disagree. Lots of things are addictive but not everyone gets addicted. It is more about the person then the 'thing'. I think the subject to focus on here is not the game play, which I know has done a lot of good for people. It encourges people to be social and yes not in the real world. But like it or not we live in the virtual age. But the fact he is smoking pot. Come on this is far more harmful then a computer game. And you all seem to have just glossed over this point.

The pot could be causing depression which in turn takes away his drive and lust for life and success. Like it or not WoW does give you a sense of achivement, it gives you goals, BUT these are safe goals. If you fail you simply try again. Yes if you play the game for most of the day you need more in your life, but I think there are more important issues to address first. Like the tattoos. I myself have 6 tattoos and I know people get them for many different reasons. But I know a lot of people, including me, who get them because it is a form of self harm or a way of changing there body because they are unhappy. He may well just like them, but if he is depressed and on pot, its probably a lot more deeper then that. So lets gain some perpestive and focus on the long term damaging things first.

 

I hope this all works out for you and I wish your son well.

Vx