Pushed out of the nest.....

[BellaDonna]

I think you did the right thing.

 

I wish my mother would be more stern with my brother. He's close to your son's age and going nowhere in life. Her leniency is not helping at all.

 

I have tried to talk him into finding a job that pays more than 8 dollars an hour, or going back to school

 

This sounds JUST LIKE my brother. He's all about minimal effort. He likes his pot too. He's missed out on a few job opportunities due to failing drug tests.

 

I think sometimes tough love is needed and hopefully your son will realize what it's like in the "real world" where people have to work, pay bills, and be responsible. At age 20 he should be accomplishing more than burning out and wasting away in front of a computer and expecting others to support him forever. Time for a wake up call.

[fnlyfrei]

This isn't a case of him eating someone's sandwhich, but that he takes advantage of me and his brothers...he does not contribute AT ALL. He doesn't lift a finger to even clean up after himself even...and he is a slob. If he were helping clean the apartment, buying some food, spending time with his younger brothers...or even had a hobby...(he used to play lead guitar in a punk band) I would feel he were somewhere. He is a lump who is going no where and is leeching off the rest of us. He steals money from his brothers, has no problem helping us eat groceries...has a job, but spends every penny on NOTHING! No goals, no plan. Just existing. We are going to have a talk tonite...he either does a 180, or he moves this minute. He had no place to go last night and slept in the hallway with his things. This was after he threatened me, cursed at me,then called the police to make sure he got his things. So he and his things slept in the hallway all night. Big man. I guess before you mouth off and call your mother names, you should have a back-up plan. I really do not feel very sorry for any young person your age if you aren't even trying to help yourself. Your parents can only do so much. I am tired of him loudly telling me he is almost 21 and I can't tell him what to do...and then he expects free food and rent...and to borrow my car. I am telling him that he WILL do what I tell him, and if he so much as sneers at me, his stuff will be on the bus bench on the street. Not in my hallway.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

he sounds very long on manipulation and self interest, and short on logic and common sense!

 

everyone has his or her own personality, and regardless of what you try to teach a child, he is going to do what he wants when he gets to be this age. and it seems he wants to have all of life's perks, but none of its responsbilities. it is time for him to learn that he does not deserve to be taken care of when all he is doing is using other people.

 

so you are absolutely doing the right thing, and don't cave to any future manipulation he might throw at you. by carrying his weight for him at this age, you are just teaching him that manipulating and bullying people works! that's not a lesson you want to teach him.

 

keep in mind that someone as aggressive as him will find a way to get what he wants, if he can't bully you into it... he will find a girlfriend or other person to do this to, until if and when he decides this is not how he wants to live. he will probably apply all kinds of emotional blackmail trying to get what he wants, but time for him to learn that there are consequences to his behavior.

 

btw, to make you feel better, my mother seriously spoiled my brother, and he used to insist he couldn't find a job, or this job or not was 'not good enough for him,' so she worked for years doing nothing but turning around and giving him a paycheck to support his family. and her thanks for this when she got sick and wanted him to help care for her, he was nowhere to be found! and when the money dried up, he of course showed a sudden newfound ability to support himself, because he had to!

 

so the sooner you cut to the chase and let him know you have no intentions of supporting him, ever, the sooner he will figure out he needs to make more of his life to get what he wants. otherwise you could still be supporting him when he's 30, 40, 50, etc.

[Dako]

fnlyfrei,

 

Calling you names is a ticket to the real world if there ever was one.

When his friends or other meal tickets do the same, he may just see the light.

[renaissancewoman101]

BeStrongBeHappy, I think you are being a bit harsh on the boy. He is going through a confused time right now and her practicing "tough love" on him is a GOOD thing, but you make it seem like he is acting this way as a way to "manipulate" her into taking care of him again. Personally, I think he is confused and doesn't know what to do. If she applies "tough love" on him, he may mend his way and make changes to his life, esp when he sees that the world is not a nice and kind place.

 

But, I sense that you see that if he even changes his ways and mends his ways by getting his life back together and getting a better job, you still think she should NOT help him with letting him stay at her house again.

 

If he learns his lesson and gets his act together by going after a job that makes more than $8 an hour, and goes back to school, shouldn't she see that as improvement and be willing to help him again?

[fnlyfrei]

I still haven't had a chance to talk to him today. I made him come back into the apartment after he camped out next to the door in the hallway, with his bags of clothes, sleeping in the hard floor. I gave him a cup of coffee, and then I went to work. We did not speak. I really do not know what to say anymore...he knows what I want for him and how I feel about his attitude right now. It's all attitude. A bad attitude. I can't change it for him, he will have to learn it on his own. If there was a little door in his head and I could pour in some light I would.

 

I just looked at his baby pictures. I really love this kid. From the first moment he took his first breath, and they put him in my arms...WOW....I never knew I could love someone so much. Especially a tiny, bald..HUNGRY creature. After all I had been through so far in my young life...(I was 20, his age now, when I had HIM..) I had been passed around to relatives, foster homes, my parents were unfit to be parents...through him I grew a new piece of my heart.

BUT

I love him too much to let him curl up in my apartment and use me as a way to not try, not live, not work...that is wrong. That isn't being a good parent...and he isnt' happy.

His father, who hasn't been a really strong role model...is going to move a few blocks away and they are going to share an apartment. Bachelor it...

I am getting married in about six weeks and moving with my younger sons to another area...I think this is best for everyone. My son seems okay with living with his Dad, and he said this evening..."We can still be friends mom."

I said of course Russ,...I am your MOM.

I will be there for him,. I will help him when he needs help..if he is actually trying, and I would love for him to visit so I can cook his favorite things...as I said..he was a hungry baby...loves to eat.

I don't know the definition of a good mother. But I know the definition of a good teacher. A good teacher doesn't just give you information to process...a good teacher tries to teach you how to think...so that for the rest of your life you can learn and figure things out on your own. As parents we aren't just parents....as my high school shop teacher used to say..."Who is the best teacher in the world??" The first time he asked this we said...uh...Mr.McDonald? (We thought he was patting himself on the back) He replied in his booming shop-teacher voice..."NO! Mom and Dad!!" .."THey are the best teachers in the world!"

For better or for worse, we are. And sometimes the only way to teach is to let someone go and find out things for themselves. I love all three of my sons fiercely. But I am not going to retard their growth with overprotection.

I love them too much for that.

 

Thank you everyone for your input. I needed to hear it. This has been a difficult 24 hours.

[annie24]

i agree with your comment about being his teacher, i think that is really true. your certainly not doing him any favors by letting him be a tattooed, pot smoking lump.

 

how are things going today?

[fnlyfrei]

Update:

 

He moved out yesterday. I gave him a time-line...had to be out by Friday. He actually found a room mate, another guy his age, and they have a huge apartment near downtown Denver....which is the social hub! I bought him a huge tub of groceries, gave him some towels etc, and he was so happy! I even heard him bragging to his friends that his mom bought him a huge amount of food...( he thinks it will last for ages...I have news for him!) We talked and made peace. I told him I was there if he needed me. I did however, tear up in the grocery store when I was getting him cans of raviolis and crackers and cheese ( I thought things simple to cook and eat would be for the best right now) It wasn't as easy as I thought ! But he isn't a baby, and it was long past the time to make him go out on his own...the best part is that he did not leave kicking and screaming...he was excited about living with his friends and I know that life is a big adventure/challenge for him...and it's now ALL up to him, he can't blame anyone anymore. I know he will do fine. Now I have two other teenagers to deal with. (yeah boy, I have my hands full !!!) And a wedding to plan, and a new life to begin...challenges myself. Thanks to all who posted in helping me with this, I felt I had someone backing me up and it helped me to stand firm and be strong. You all helped me to help my son move forward.

[Dako]

Good to know you've made peace.

He'll learn a lot in a short time, and will really appreciate his mom.

You're both starting new adventures!

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

thats awesome news!! I'm so glad that it worked out..and its really good that he honored your time line and was responsible enough to find a roomie...and he knows he has it all with your blessing!!

 

(but i think its harder for mom to let go then it was for him to! lol)

[Prettyinpurple]

Wow, your son sounds a lot like my brother! I wish my parents could only do what you did.

 

You did the right thing. He will learn to stand on his own two feet. And if he ever needs you then you will be there for him I'm sure!