sameasalways

yeah it suxs when you feel that way. It does help if you can get over it though (yeah I know duh) but like I posted somewhere else here, I do think its easier to forget aboutthe other person if you are busy w/other people, whether or not that involves the horizontal is not necessary but certainly helpful. I know it helped me get over guyz a lot better anyway that tried pulling crap on me. I'm not saying it was the best thing to do or the best way to handle it but hey I'm alive today. And it did work for me.

maybe its a guy thing? I never though of it before, unless I was actually seeing a guy, and the tart showed up to see him!!!!!!!!! ughghg. Guyz told me its harder for them to meet women than it is for women to meet men though. I don't know if its true. But those are the only times I wanted to puke.....when the little tarts actually thought they were getting away with something that I didn't know about. crappolas.

I'm wondering what most guyz do consider skinny though? I do not like or find myself attracted in general, to skinny men. I don't want to feel like I'm tougher than the guy, you know what I mean? So I admit I am naturally attracted to taller guyz who have some lean muscle and are healthy looking , not skinny and not overweight. I guess that would be like a 6'3 guy weight 190 lbs?

Personally I don't think most girls at that age are ready for a serious relationship, hence the scaredy cat act when it comes to actually finding a "nice" guy. Just my own opinion on it. Not that all girls don't want one, I'm just saying a lot find it appealing initially but then they get side tracked. Same with males too. There are the ones who want to have a real relationshp at that age though, it just takes time. Its not you.

hmmm. So, you have to know you are really too young to get in a serious relationship, but what is wrong with dating/going out? Is it that you have been "just friends" until now? And you would like more? If so, first off, you have to be honest with yourself and realize that she may not be interested in a more intense relationshiop with you. If you are willing to accept that gratiously if she opts than I don't see a problem with pursuing the relationship further. However, to tell her you love her is a bet far fetched. (I think). I would just start in on a closer relationship first, and such. And instead of worrying about telling her you love her, have fun and enjoy the time you have with her. This is your first love it sounds like and there will be many more. Your parents are probably concerned about you going bonkers over the first girl you meet and possibly for good reason. Try to remain objective and rational for right now, and if things last (and they will if you really are in love with her and her in love with you) then you can contemplate love and marriage at that point . Take care!

Oh i'm sorry I didn't see the part about your parents being gone all the time and not cooking for you. Didn't you say you are 18? Maybe I'm wrong, but you probably know how to read. I say this is in all honesty, if you can read then you can cook. I also know that despite this, most men being men, just don't want to go through the trouble. Also, when you are only cooking for yourself, lets face it and I did it too, you really don't feel its worth the effort. However, there are "snack" things that really don't require cooking that are ways to get protein. You may have to start going to the store by yourself to buy specific things that you want. When I was 17 I rented my parents basement, and I bought a little fridge, the dorm size ones. I used to buy stuff like Yogurt (which maybe you think is yuck but try Yoplait its really really good) Its high in protein and good for you too. Also, I would have a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches when I was single. The suggestion about tuna is good. This is sick but this tells you how bad I was before I had a family......I used to eat the tuna right out of the can after draining it, sometimes squire lemon juice over it. You just need to start being a little more independent is all.

Well it can't hurt. That is for sure.

I thoroughly agree and of course, especially in the past, this was a source of a lot of discord between us, and me holding bitterness toward him. I don't know why, but I guess I just don't think about it too much anymore. Well I am sure it bothers me but I just don't get upset and start crying or fighting with him about it anymore. I would love to see that too (the life w/outcomputer for a month). IN all likely hood that is not going to happen though. Its unfortunate he might be missing out on actual life because of it. He has curbed it compared to the first 3 years we were married thank god! He is a good guy and he does try and I'm not trying to make excuses for him. I do think everyone has their issues. We are going out around the 4th and I hope we have a lot of fun. Last year we did.

I didn't say there was something right about making him take all the responsibility. Actually for the longest time I didn't even know that women initiated sex. Or that men wanted them to. But honestly there is osmething that turns me off about the thought of coming up to him when he's on the computer to try to steal him away from it just so I can have time with him and have sex. He understands that. I am sure being an adult, if he was wanting to have sex, he would pull out from the computer and come to bed when he has the chance. I have initiated sex in some minor ways before, such as cuddling with him, stroking him, or waking him in the middle of the night with a surprise. I am just not blatant about it and find it virtually impossible to do so.

When I use "me" language, I am trying to express how I feel about the situation and take responsibility for that. I honestly don't think it would be fair of me to try to explain how he feels unless he has expressly told me. The only thing he has expressly told me is that he wishes I would initiate sex more.

hmm what is stopping me from jumping all over him? Usually when I am really really horny, it is impossible to have sex for one thing. Also there is the thought in my head of being stupid, ridiculous, an embarrassment to my self, and sluttiness. Also, I don't like to feel that I have to seduce someone to get them into bed with me (alas, I am sure he feels the same way!). Unfortunately it is always my fantasy that someone will seduce ME! You know, being swept away, all that. I am sure that must be his deal too....wanting to feel that way.

I agree with everyone here. Try not take it personally. And a first real love is always really hard to get over. But most people do move on and actually you learn a lot from it. Also, you have to know, sometimes if you can think selfish thoughts, it helps you get through situations like this a little easier. I know I sound evil in all these primitive defense mechanisms but there might be some reason that they have survived so long (because often they work). And whoever said that having a bad thought after being burned was really so evil after all? Think of it this way......You are smart, hardworking, awsome with a bright future and a lot to offer the right woman in the future. Obviously this girl has no interest in any of that. Are you sure you would really want to even entertain the thoughts of having an ever after relationship with someone that doesn't share the same priorities and goals as you? She is only 20, and I do think most 20 year olds are not interested in settling down for a future with anyone yet anyway. You are going to meet some awsome women in the future who care a lot more for you and have a lot more to offer you than this young female who isn't ready for what you have to offer yet. There is nothing wrong with her decision at all and for her age, as long as she doesn't get too serious with anyone, she is probably doing the best thing right now for her. I think it would be best if you took the same lead and focused on yourself and what you deserve in your next relationship and what you want from someone in your next relationship. Maybe you just don't realize how fine of a catch you are going to be yet?

I am female so I shoudln't be answering your question to begin with. I can't help it though. I used to feel that way too (the stuff you are saying) but the more men I talked to, the more I realized by far that it wasnt' actually true. Most men I have talked to do not like anorexic looking girls. Most men do not like obese women either. All men unless they are looking for a prostitute like a female with a good personality and atleast half a brain. I used to be very self conscious because I have small breasts. Then the more men I saw and talked to, they were astonished at me feeling this way, and told me that they do not particularly like women with huge breasts. They said it was more important to be in proportion, and also the shape of the breasts/firmness. When I was really young I was embarrassed by my small chest, but now I really like it. I can wear all the cute bras and cute tight tshirts that I want and still not look like a walking sex ad. Anyway that is beside the point. I am just saying that most men I have talked to do not date women seriously just because of how they look. NOw don't get me wrong, its been said, by men to me , "hey you can't spot brains from accross the room". And that is so true. So of course, initially, they are looking for the hotties. But it goes beyond that too......just as women i think. I can say as a woman, its not just a man's looks......but his personality. I love it when a man is down to earth, smart, and can lauph at himself. That alone, supercedes my initial impression of how attractive they are or not. I did date super hot guyz once and they were horrible for the most part. I can say that when someone screws you over bad enough, you don't even see them for what they look like, even if they are super attractive. All I see at that point is disgust and I can't hardly handle them even touching me at that point in time. I do know men enjoy and are interested in looking at certain types of women, and if you look at porn you will see most of them are not anorexic looking at all. The women men enjoy looking at for the most part, are not waif thin like models on the catwalk. No they are very sexual though, and yes their sexual attributes are highlighted by their poses or shaving or implants, but waif thin they definitly are not. A guy told me that they just think its fun to look at the difference in women, how they are shaped, ect (of course I"m sure its "fun" when it happens to turn them on as well). But I think this aspect is totally different from what a man looks for when looking for a serious relationship. They have to click and get along and enjoy being around eachother in the end.

Personally I don't think being a soulmate has anything to do with sex. I am not saying its right or wrong, its just what I believe. I can go out and have sex with anyone I want if I really wanted to, but because I don't know that person, the sex is no good. By having sex with someone, you are not a soulmate. I also don't feel I am being selfish. Whenever my husband wants sex, he gets it. I never ever turn him down. And what makes you think that the porn started after the drop in sex? This has been an issue since the day I lived with him, not just recently. I was a very giving person but I don't have energy to do it anymore. Also, my husband knows he has it good with me, if he wants to leave just because of the sex, there is nothing stopping him. I know that and he knows that. I fully admit I am at the very root, an attention whore. I do know I loved and married my husband not because of sexual attention, but the attention he showed to my spirit when I met him. This is what truly allowed us to have the best sex life. He was the first man who nurtured the spiritual side of me, and that I could trust fully. Without that, a man is just a man is just a man. (for me). I have had online relationships with a man before just for the attention aspect alone......I don't anymore, and my husband caught me and we were in a big fight. But it wasnt' about sex, (we never had sex, just online stuff), it was for the sheer conversation and joy, and attention and passion it sparked in me. I suppose after 6 years maybe that just isn't possbile anymore, I don't know. The other thing is, we have plenty of opportunities to have actual sex, but instead of him coming to bed, he will stay up on his computer. By the way, how does a woman iniitiate sex anyway? I think I have done it before. But no I'm not going to get up and do a strip tease for him. Like I said I am shy already, self conscious, and I know we could go to strip bar and watch professionals do it if he wants to that bad (I fully told him I wanted to go to the strip bar here because I"d never been to one). I just don't know what is normal in an actual long term marriage (not one lasting just one year). I don't know maybe I'm making it sound like we have a horrible relationship or something, but we don't. Things are just weird sexually right now, I don't know if they are weird for him, but they are for me. I don't think I would ever leave my husband because our life together is too good. But I have had a fantasy or two about other men, as far as wondering what they are like, ect. I have heard that is normal but it sure puts the guilt trip on you and makes you wonder why you would think about it to begin with. Maybe its just the feeling that its okay for men to do that but not women. I'm not sure. Maybe its also that I just naturally like it when the male is more aggressive than the female.....it turns me on then a lot more. I don't like to feel like I have to beg someone to have sex with me but then that goes both ways....maybe that is the real issue. Also, I show my feelings and affections often times by doing things for him, little things that add up. I am not sure how he shows his affection for me. I wish he would do more little things as I love them. I don't think he is as creative as me as far as, I can go out with him somewhere alone, and want to go for a "walk" and he will get all frustrated with me wanting to do something out of the ordinary, when really I thought it would be cool to find some hidden spot and have sex. But because of his negativity, it gets shot down and I just forget about it. He never ever comes up with ideas like that and I do miss that. I feel like I'm just being a total bitch in these posts but I just wanted to know how married people keep things balanced in their lives and alive.

okay this sounds cheap and it is, and maybe or probably not the best way to deal with feelings, but for me it always worked. That was, to have sex with someone else, or date someone else, and meet other people I was attracted to. However that was when i was only dating people. I've been married 6 years now and I think if something happenned to my relationshiop, well, I understand the different stages of feelings I go through after a loss now, and I know what does work and doesn't work with the other person when a breakup occurs. certainly being bitter or angry doesn't work and gets you nowhere. To some extent it just takes time. I know it depends on why you break up too. Also, try journaling whenever you are feeling things are out of control, emotion wise. you can through it away when you are done if you want and are worried about other people reading it. It does help I just don't know why. Also, I think its important to know its normal to feel a loss, and that it is indeed a loss, and when any loss occurs there is bound to be sadness over that loss. So not to let yourself get even more down because you are feeling that loss, but to know that its normal and it does pass eventually. You can also try to stay really busy so you don't have time to think of that person much, and maybe you'll even meet someone else that you never would have it weren't for that. Sorry this isn't a huge help, its just things I've done in the past, and in the end, I suppose we all do what we have to do to get by another day when we are at that point. So don't feel guilty about it.

I think that is normal to be sad in her situation, after a guy leaves when all he really was looking for was a "good time". I know I went through that. I think its very important to get down to the root of what she really wants in her life at this point in time, and whether or not she truly is ready to deal with what she wants for her life at this point in time. Sounds easy but its not. She sounds lost and lonely. Being lonely is a lot worse than being alone, and there is a large difference between the two that is overlooked often. She also needs to learn the fundamental difference between these two. There is nothing worse than being involved with people or a person, and being lonely despite that. When you are alone though, you may be alone, but you have all possibilities and control over what you do next in your life, and restrictions placed on that. When you are alone, you aren't neccessarily lonely, but when you are lonely, you feel hopelessness, worthlessness, and wasted despite the people around you. She is quite young, and I think to a point, a lot of girls go through a stage like this. She is in danger however of STD's and also of ending up in a relationship with someone who is abusive to her (actually she is being abusive to herself right now which shows how much self worth she has right now). There is also the possiblity that she did not have a good father figure, or that she was sexually abused in the past. She doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship or form one yet apparently. She also has a hard time saying "no" and perhaps it would be helpful if she learned some deterrance stratagies while being made aware that if certain men or males lose interest in her after using the stragegies that they only had one thing in mind anyway. Deterrance stragegies such as controlling the alcohol intake, controlling situations in which she will be alone with certain individuals, trying to stay out of environments that are too private that allow sexual things to occur to begin with and also to learn that she has the ultimate control in the power of her hands, she just hasn't learned how to use it yet. Also, I do think at her age, most males do only want one thing.....and hopefully she is distinctly aware of that. If she can learn what she wants and is willing to accept from a male, and draw the line, she should be okay in the end.

I am not really sure why I am this way, only that I have always been. Yes sex is great when we have it, and I am fulfilled and so is my husband. Sometimes I think maybe we are just getting old in our relatinship with children and such, that we can easily see sex is not the main part of the marriage. I can't say I know what most women are like who have been married 6 years and have two children. I do know when you are dating, you tend to focus on your partner more, and spend time together doing things. After being together 6 years w/two children, we rarely ever do anything with eachother just between the two of us. Usually we don't do anything together......this tends to happen with family responsibilities, work responsibilities, and childrearing responsibilities. I do think women need more time and attention than most men after being married a certain amount of time, are willing or wanting to give. I always feel that if my husband was more romantic and gave me more attention and made me feel more special like he did when I was dating him, then I would be much more receptive to sex. I think a lot of women feel that way. The man wants more sex, the woman to initiate more, and the women wants more attention (non sexual) and to feel special by her husband in order to feel sexual. I also have given and given in this relationship and am tired of doing it all. I wonder if societies expectations for marriage are unrealistic or immature. certainly a man can't expect to do nothing, and have their spouse want to jump all over them at the end of the day. my husband and i have talked about this stuff before but it doesn't accomplish much. I think that is where the real problem is......neither one of us know how to give the other one what they want. I was raised and given a lot of attention by my father. My husband was not given any attention by his father, nor did he see his father ever do 'fun stuff" with his mother or children. I don't think my husband knows how to do stuff like that because of that. I was raised with my stepfather being a total prude and never wanting to have sex with my mother. But my stepfather did ensure we did lots of things together as a family and fun stuff. I think in these ways, the crossover between sex and attention is blurred between us both. I don't know if that is what is at the root of the problem or not, but I do know neither one of us, my husband or I, seem to be able to get past it.

Hi! thank goodness you are young and you have everything ahead of you. I sound like an old lady but Im only 28 (yeah only...probably sounds old to an 18 year old). I think you are going to have to build yourself up not just physically but emotionally as well. First off, start a food diary. You may be one of those people that "forgets" to eat. I think some guyz do have that tendency. I do know how thin you are as I am 5'8 and my husband is 6'1 and most men I've dated are tall (*you do have that going for you!). They usually weighed about 180 to 200 lbs. But I would say 185 lbs was the average. Start an earnest food diary, see hwo much you are eating, and what. You have to start that in order to see what areas foodwise need improved on. What is your job/daily schedule like? Don't worry about going to the gym yet. I totally understand as I am very self-conscious despite that I am considered attractive by most men/women. (i'm not trying to sound prideful I just want to be 100% honest to you). You could also consider an anxiety medication as well, you might have mild anxiety excacerbated by the weight issue at the present. Buy a weight bench and weights....they aren't too expensive and they are very helpful useful, and you won't have to be embarrassed. Try not to concentrate too much on aerobic/cardiovascular workouts yet, but do weight train at home until you are comfortable going to a gym (you may not even have to in the long run). Try to find something you would like to contribute to in your society that will allow you to learn something new and work with people who are like minded. that sounds so corny but you woudln't believe how many people and how many new things you can learn by volunteering once or twice a week for 3 or 4 hours. Its a great way to network, even if you are shy like me. It also builds up your confidence tremendously and makes you feel like a really good person for doing it. A doctor once suggested to a friend of mine who was very thin that she have a milkshake with every meal. You could try that, but just m ake sure you do lift weights. I don't know how much you know about lifting weights and such, but there are quite a few excercises you can do at home w/a bench press, and dumbbells. I don't know if what I'm suggesting sounds unrealistic or not, but I think if you start slowly with these little steps, concentrating more on making yourself the best you can be, and believing in yourself, that the rest follows. I will say also, and I am not sure how true this is...but speaking for myself, I am shy and I never went up to men/guyz when I was single. I dated quite a few men who were probably not even considered attractive by most people , and I dated them because they had the courage to come up to me and ask me to dance, or have a drink with me, and because they had a fun or interesting personality. I think you will see especially as you get older, that there are quite a few very attractive women with overweight or mediocre looking men because those men had the courage to go up to them and invite them to do stuff with them. I know there are the attractive women also who are still stuck in the stage of being spoiled and wanting only attractive men to go with them, and I tried that too....but most of the very very attractive men treated me like dirt (of course I must have let them at tha tpoint, but I was young). Most of them cheated on me. I did have fun with both men, but in the end, it was the average male who got me because he was the one I could trust and who believed in me, and who thought I was the greatest person *not just looks-wise. He was also the best in bed, ensuring I enjoyed sex just as much as him. We could communicate openly with eachother and such...one day this will happen with you if you start with yourself, others will see what you are doing, ect and want to be involved with you. Its weird how when you are least looking for someone, and the most happy with yourself and your life, how you seem to attract people from everywhere. Have faith in yourself and realize how unique you are for being able to think about things the way you do and work toward being what you know you are truly capable of being deep down inside, without worries of "getting" a girl. In that state of mind, and in that happiness, I do believe women won't be able to help themselves in wanting to be with you.

Hi! I am not sure if there is any clear cut answer. I can tell you that my husband now was the same when I met him. He was very cautious, which is good. I was very easy going with the whole situation, knowing he wasn't ready to get involved in something serious at that point in time (after his wife had just cheated on him and divorced him). To be honest with you, he still has that cautious side in him......I think maybe men take it harder than women when they are cheated on, because maybe they think that women don't cheat or something. When it does happen to them, they are wounded very deeply and never forget. I have been married to my husband for 6 years and he still remembers. I don't think you can change a person's feelings most of the time, nor should you waste your time trying. I did sympathize w/my husband before we were married as I had people cheat on me over and over. It was something we both could agree about, and from that point on, we also felt we had the same "ground" rules for a good relationship/cheating prevention. WE were both adament about married people should not go to bars/clubs alone and various other things that we felt were asking for something to happen. A lot of people think that is crazy but we have been married 6 years and no one thought we would last. All I did, was know myself, know I was a good person, a worthy person, and someone who woudln't do something horrible to him and let it show in my behaviors and actions, not so much my words though like I said we discussed our opinions on cheating and relationships. We didn't rush into sex in my book but I do think once we did get to that point, it helped him get over the bitterness of his ex. Also I was very strong as I was a single mom for a year, and had strong ideas about what was right and wrong and what I would and woudln't tolerate in a relationship when I met him, and I let these be known to him. I think that is what really got him, is that he coudl easily see what type of person I was, and it made him feel comfortable with me. I am not sure if that helps or not.

I am 28 F and have been married 6 years in July. I love my husband and he is the best guy to me and our kids. I never have had much of a sex drive at all, except when I first meet people. Also I never initiate sex. All of this is becoming a problem for my husband. Honestly I don't know what to do. He does get on the internet frequently and either play a lot of computer games or look at porn/webcams. (he does the porn when I am sleeping and he works shiftwork). I don't know how I am supposed to feel anymore or how I should feel anymore. I spent a good portion of our marriage feeling bitter due to time on the computer. I am over that pretty much now. The only time I had a big sex drive was when I was pregnant or nursing. I know that is weird but its true. In fact I never even had an orgasm until I was pregnant the first time. (I was 20 at the time, and not yet married or living with anyone). My husband is the only man I've been with who can bring me to orgasm (I have been with more than enough to say that) and he is good to me in most every way. I am attractive and slim and have not gained any weight from the time I've met him.....I know he is attracted to me and said himself that he doesn't like that I never initiate sex. I thought this was a common theme in marriages with women so what ultimately ends up happenning? I would like to be a bit more aggressive as far as initiating but it just isn't me. As far as sex goes, when we do have it its really good for both of us (even though its only once or twice a month). Does anyone have any advice or suggestions? I have kind of given up I don't know what to do about the situation any more. Thanks.