Cycosis

If they say anything that basically means "no" then you should pretty much slow it down a bit.

Ok.... I'm kinda hoping I can pick a womans brain on a few things. I have some questions I wanna ask someone who's been through a highly abusive relationship. Both mentally and physically. If anyone out there wants to help answer a few questions for me then just send me PM.

Hatred in my heart Anger barely kept in check Surrounded by lonliness Tears that bring no relief Caught with my guard down Caught unaware Trying but failing Always failing Feeling lost Hoping to be found Seeking relief Waiting for the pain to fade Knowing another will take it's place Rarely knowing happiness Knowing only pain A life full of misery A misery that doesn't love company Always dealing never succeeding Trying but failing Waiting, always waiting Waiting for you

Writing when you're happy has to be on of the hardest things there is. I explained to someone once that if I was at the happiest point in my life, whatever it may be, I wouldn't be able to express it in words. It's just too hard.

Just something I wrote. Since I'm not doing good today I figured I just post it. Lonliness abounds Loveless to the end Shattered pieces of a promising life Abysmal, neverending sorrow Confining walls of misery Taste the lips of hopelesness Feel the body of a wrongfull desire Crimson tears of pain Look into the eys of a blackened soul Downward spiral of lost hope To feel the spark of happiness lost forevermore Draped in the shroud of life Plodding through everlasting lies Always knowing what was hoped for will never be Always seeking the one Believing the lies Praying to deaf ears Unheard pleading of hope Sorry Wrongfull choices made in life Wrongfull promises Failed again and again Dreaming to be set free No longer able to bare it Descending the ladder of nothingness Praying for a change Knowing none will be The immortal ache of despair gripping like a vice Lifeless eyes of sorrow Denying what in known Cradeling the tiniest spark Crystall ball holding the future Afraid to look Knowing, knowing saddness abounds Falling into the spiked pit of life Reaching up to the hand of faith Never close enough to be the saving hand of grace Empty heart Tired of trying

When you date someone with a kid you are in a relationship with both. Perhaps she sees the way you are with her kid and likes it. Kinda like a father figure. She may not be totally in love with you but might be torn between doing something good for the kid. Either way she is confused about what to do. So pretty much tell her what you just wrote.

Try talking to her about it. My friend distanced himself from us cause we wouldn't believe what he did. And we distanced ourselves from him cause he was full of it.

Her butt, then they eyes. Eyes would be first but they aren't always that easy to see at first. I'm a sucker for beautiful eyes.

I had a friend like that once. The guy started going to this church (cult). Slowly but shurely he started changing. He became Mr. Relegion. I'm not an athiest or anything but I totally hate when people start pushing their beliefs on me. All he would talk about was God this God that. He started pulling away from us. He basically said we where no good and that we where all going to hell. Mostly cause the crap he was spewing about God and everything was BS. He showed us his bible. There was so much crap in there that was different from the Catholic bible. We would all argue with him about it. Finally just stopped talking to the guy. He got pretty much brainwashed in my oppinion. Nothing against relegion or anything but them Evangelical preacher types annoy me. You can't really do anything about it. It's the persons choice to live the way they want and to believe what they want.

It just hard sometimes. I know it's because it's so soon after our breakup. When I've talked to her I've said a few sarcastic things. Stuff I never would have normally said. For instance she was telling me how I gotta stop drinking and only thing I said was "Thanks Ma". She got a little ticked at me saying that. Sometimes I just gotta bite my tongue so I don't say something I'll regret. I know if I say something it'll bring about 20 seconds of enjoyment to me then after that I'll be like why the F did I say that. Especially now that I'm having problems at work. I get pissed about that and then it just makes me get pissed about everything else going on. It's just a crappy situation.

Do criminals ever plan on getting caught? Not usually but our jails and prisions are full of 'em.

If a 30 something year old teacher is gonna go after a teenager then I got one thing to say... Just taking advantage of you and trying to get a piece of ass.

Been there before. Back when I was in hight school I started dating this girl. We where together for five years. When she dumped me it was the end of my world at that point. I drank like a fish. One night I was so depressed and angry I trashed my whole room. Destroyed pretty much everything I owned at the time. I just wanted to Die. I sat on my bed holding a piece of glass from a broken beer bottle. I sat there just wanting to slit my wrists. I couldn't do it though. I was thinking about everyone in my family all my friends. What I'd miss out on in life. So instead of slashing my wrists I just slashed my arms numerous times. I didn't want to really die but I had to do something. I look back today and think how friggin stupid I was. Kill myself? What the hell was I thinking? I still have the piece of glass and the scars on my arms to remind me of my idiocy. I'm still alive and kicking and going through more BS cause of a girl. I've changed somewhat when it comes to wanting to hurt myself. Instead now I'll get a tattoo. It hurts and it bleeds but at least it leaves a beautiful scar.

I'm not usually like that. It usually takes alot to really get me pissed. It's more like I was a little pissed about not working. We've been REALLY slow the past like 2 months. The bills are just barely getting paid cause of the lack of work. While I was sitting around I guess I ended up thinking about stuff. Not always a good thing. I just got more and more pissed about the situation I'm in, being basically dumped. I feel a little better now. But when I got home from work I was just pissed. I just kept thinking about getting wasted. Not a good thing I know. It would have just made everything worse.

If you really want her you gotta take the chance. She may feel the same for you, who knows. But if you wait like 5 or 6 months then feelings can change. You may feel differently about her then. Or she may. Maybe she likes you now. She may get tired of waiting and find someone else. She may not like you like you do her at the present moment. 5 months from now she may. It's all basically what ifs. So all I gotta say is if ya want it do it.

I guess that because I was angry about not working on Monday that it kinda set the motion for everything. I guess it's like a "I'm pissed about not work might as well be pissed about everything else" type of thing. If anyone wants to know what's been going on just click on my name and then view my posts. Almost all are about what's been going with me and her for the past week and how i've been feeling.

Like I said before on Sunday that everything seemed to be turning around. I just had a feeling that I was getting over everything and doing good or at least decent. Well then Monday came. I woke up in the morning and called into work. Nothing was going on so I was a little ticked at that. Over the course of the day I started getting more and more pissed about what had happened. I didn't talk to her at all Monday. That was probably a good thing cause I know I would have said something that I may or may not have regretted. I have really no idea why I just got all pissed off again. It's been a while since I felt totally in love with someone like I was/am with her. I've been in love but not like this. I'm kinda wondering if it's normal to have somewhat good days like I had on the weekend then all of a sudden for no reall reason get all pissed off again. On Sunday when I talked to her everything was cool. Then Monday, bam I'm doing bad. Same with today. I just feel like dirt.

No question. Like I said just kinda using this, as in this post at least, as some sort of way to express whats going on. It's something I feel is gonna help me get through all this bs.

All that stuff is too mellow. You need something trully heavy. 90% of the music I listen to doesn't even come from the States. Nothing really comes close to touching the music that comes out countries like Norway and Sweden.

Friday was the worst day. I was so full of anger and hate. Went to bed and woke of on Saturday. I felt good for some reason. I was still hurting but felt nowhere near like I did on Friday. It was amazing. We had e-mailed each other off and on all day. I had been talking about getting a new tattoo for a while now and I decided now was as good a time as any. I've spent the last 2 days on the net searching for something. Nothing seemed to really catch my eye as something I wanted permenatly on my body. I needed something to signify something. All my others have a meaning to me. I have something like a grim reaper on my left arm, it kinda signifies death and how sometimes I feel dead inside. On my right arm I have a bat. Since bats can "see" real well in the dark it signifies me looking through the dark times in my life and getting past them. Also on my right arm I have a another reaper. This one is my favorite. It's holding a heart. Around it it says Lost all Trust, Lost all Faith. I got this because I was tired of getting hurt by people I loved and thought loved me. Now on my right leg I have a Phoenix. It signifes death and rebirth. When the phoenix dies it is reborn from itself. It signifes how I feel. I kinda feel dead and soon I'll be reborn as myself. The way I was before all this. I Didn't want something just cause it looks cool. I finally found what I was looking for in a book at home. I was so pumped up on getting it. I'm gonna have to start using names cause this might get confusing. A buddy of mine, Greg, was gonna take me so we are just hanging out by my place for a little bit before we go. Then another buddy of mine, Pete, calls. He wanted to know what I was doing. I told him. But right away I thought of something. I asked him right after if he was with the ******, he was. He still talks to her ex. He's the type of guy that doesn't get want to get involved in things. I'm not gonna get pissed at him cause he still talks to the a*****e. When he told me I'm like please don't come, trust me just don't come. Greg doesn't like the a*****e but for other reasons then mine. He doesn't know what's been going on with me and her. All he knows is that I've talked to her a few times. Like I said he wouldn't want to get involved. Pete's like ok no prob. On the way there I told Greg if they happen to show up you'll have to get him out of there cause I don't know if I'd be able to control myself if I saw him. The a*****e likes confrontation so it would be just like him to come. So we go and I'm looking around the place first. I find something else I like and decide to get that. What I found at home was basically a picture of a hawk. I was gonna have the guy alter it so it would look more like the mytholigical creature the phoenix. Was gonna get it on both my shoulder blades pointing towards my spine. Then I would eventually get soemthing in the middle. I still plan on doing that, but later. What I found was basically a phoenix but tribal. I talked with the guy about how I wanted it to kinda look like it was on fire. So we decided to outline the thing in red and he added a few flames to it. Looks great. I'm loving it. Hurts like hell though cause it's on my leg and I can't find a damn pair of shorts to wear. My pants keep rubbing on it. Anyways we go out for a little bit afterwards and I come home. I was just kinda putzing around and decided to go to bed. It's was like 2:30 ish in the morning. I sent her a text message about what I had gotten. We where talking about tattoos in e-mail earlier that day. We go back and forth with the text messages like 4 or 5 times and I'm thinking ok this is dumb. I was gonna call her. She called me first. She had just dropped off her friend who kinda lives not to far from me. I told her to stop by and check it out. She aggreed and we sat in the alley behind my house for a while. I showed it to her and she said it looks great. We ended up coming inside my place cause she had to use the bathroom. We both sat on my couch and talked for a while. She told me how she went to this bar. It's one of things I dreaded hearing cause it's where the guy she was with before me, not the a*****e ex, works as a bouncer. I asked her if she went there to see him and she was like no, remember he doesn't work saturdays. I want to believe her. In one of my other posts someone said that if I wanna do the friendship thing I gotta be prepared for everything. I know this but it still sucks to hear. We talked about other stuff and about us. She told me she's sorry for making me drink so much. She know's I was drinking heavily the past week and taking vicadins. I told her about it every time I did it. I know I probably shouldn't have I guess I just wanted her to know what I was going through. Anyways while we are stitting there my cat comes in to say hello to her, rubbing her legs and everything. My cat is super jealous of me. When, gonna start using her name now so it don't get confusing, Bonnie first came over she was petting my cat. My cat doesn't like most people, especially guys. She only likes two of my friends, but thats cause they are always around. Well Bonnie stopped petting the cat and I think touched my arm and my cat flipped, and scratched her. She didn't want Bonnie to touch me. Was kinda funny. Anyways I'm trying to get my cat to jump up on the couch with us but she just sat on the floor. I noticed Bonnie was watching me and and I'm like what? She said she just likes to watch me talk to my cat, thinks it's cute. It's just I think she wanted me to kiss her, she had her head kinda tilted to the side it just would have been perfect for a kiss. I didn't do it though, I wanted to so damn bad but I didn't. I'm glad I was strong enough not to. After some more talking we kinda snuggled up together and fell asleep. Today is the day she's supposed to get all her stuff back from a*****e. She was supposed to meet her dad and her brothers there at 9 am. We woke up a little late. I just happen to glance at the time on my phone and it was 8:35. I woke her up real quick and said you gotta leave now or you're gonna be late. It was pretty much get up and walk out the door. I'm hoping that everything goes good for her. The a*****e probably wont give her any problems cause her dad and brothers will be there but knowing him he'll probably start something. Hopefully after this she'll be able to finally start the healing that she needs. She won't really have to have any contact with him anymore. He owes her a ton of money but she pretty much knows that he probably won't ever pay it back. I hope all you people don't mind reading this. I'm kinda using this as like an online diary. It's helped me quite a bit. And I wanted to say thanks to everyone who has responded to my previous posts and to the people who run this. I've realized quite a few things. I know I'll be able to be the friend she needs. I know I am strong enough to move past this. No matter the outcome of what happens between me and her eventually I'll be able to admit that the love I have for her now has changed to the love of a friend. There will probably be a few more posts before this is all finally done with. I hope you wont mind reading those as well.

Same situation happened to me when I was about 22 or so. I had met this girl where I was working. Was nothing at first, just used to go on break and lunch together. Didn't even get her phone number till like a year after we met. We where both in long term relationships at the time. Both of ours weren't going to good. Then we would start calling up each other to start bitching about our significant others. After a little while those relationships ended. Then we started hanging out all the time. She has a daughter and we all would go out. Zoo, movies, even went on vacation together. Still nothing ever happened. Didn't feel thatway toward her. But one day I did. Just kinda happened. I have no idea what it was that caused it after so long. It had been like 3 years from when I first met her. We kinda drifted apart a little. I was so confused. I wanted to be with her but didn't want to loose the friendship. I had kinda come to the conclusion that I wasn't gonna say a thing. Just let it ride out. Then the fatefull day came. I had invited her to come to a July 4th BBQ at my friends house. We had all been sitting around drinking a little. I used to grow what everyone called "goat hair" on my chin. I shaved everything else off but the hair on my chin. Was like 3 inches long. It used to bug her she was always telling me to just shave it off. Everyone was talking about it as usual and she came over and started pulling on it. So I started pulling her hair. Wasn't hard just kinda playfully. Well then it happened. We kissed. After the kiss we just talked for a while and told each other how we felt. Before that point we basically had a relationship like we where going out. Just nothing physical. Now everything changed. We left the party and went back to her parents house. We did everything except have sex. I think it was a good thing that we didn't. The next morning we went out to the taste of chicago. Afterwards we went back to her house. On the way there she basically told me that she can't do this. She had a horrible track record when it came to guys. I knew that what happened never really should have. I wasn't ever gonna tell her how I felt. I dropped her off and went home. Was a little pissed but deep down I knew it was for the best. It most likely wouldn't have lasted. Things at work where different. We kinda avoided each other and didn't really talk. After a while we started talking again. Though we didnt start hanging out for a long while. That night changed the relationship between the two of us. The good part now. She is probably my best friend still. We where able to move past what happened and remain friends. Alot of times it doesn't happen that way. She just got married a few months ago. I stood up at her wedding. We're still close, not as close as before but I'm just glad I didn't loose her as a friend. So if yout think you can stay friends just in case it doesn't work out then go for it. But just be prepared if it doesn't. I knew this girl like I know myself that's why I knew it wouldn't have worked. Thats why I think it was easy for us to remain friends. Good luck. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a photographic memory when it comes to stuff like this.

Last night I talked to her as I said in an earlier post. Well before we hung up the last part of the conversation went something like this. Me "Alright I'll talk to you later" her "I'll call you tomorrow...but...." Me "But what?" Her "Nothing, nevermid" Me "Ok, whatever, I don't believe you but goodnight" Her "goodnight." Then we hang up. I knew she wanted to tell me something. I just didn't press her about it cause I hate when people do that to me. Like an hour later she calls me back up. It's like 4 something in the morning. Figured if she's calling at that time it's gotta be something kinda important. So she's like I've been stitting around talking with Tracy {her friend} all night and I gotta tell you something. I figure it has to do with something about us. Wrong. So I tell her that before she tells me anything to think first. I didn't want her saying she wants to get back together. I know she hasn't had near enough time to figure herself out. She kinda started laughing and was like I got no idea what you're talking about. I felt like such a friggin idiot when she told me what she had to. It had not a damn thing to do with us. It was just the tone in her voice and the way she said she had to tell me something. I guess I sorta jumped the gun on what I was thinking.

Just a little something I remembered. No woman is worth crying over. The only one who is wont make you. Now I just gotta trully realize this.

I know I gotta stop drinking. Tonight was the first night I went to bed sober in I think 4 days. She called me while I was sleeping. Wish I had checked the caller ID. I told myself I wouldn't talk to her for a while or anything. Still haven't replied to an e-mail she sent me. She happened to ask me if I got it and I said that I didn't check it today. She wanted to know how I'm doing. I didn't lie to her, but I also didn't tell her the truth. I don't really want her to know exactly how I'm feeling. I really dont want her sympathy and her telling me she's sorry for everything. So now it's like 3 am and I'm wide awake.

I gotta write this here cause if I just write it down on paper it's gonna be too tempting to send to her. Why did you have to say I love you? You said earlier you didn't want a serious relationship. Yet you said it anyways. I was fine with it being not too serious. Just as long as it was with me and noone else. I would have respected your wishes. I wouldn't have told you. I know I would have said it eventually, just not for a while. So why the f did you have to tell me? You totally screwed up everything by saying it. Why the f couldn't you have done what you wanted? Kept it unserious. Instead now you make me feel so friggin bad. I can barely stand it. I want to cry so bad. I'm not gonna let myself do it thoug. I want to believe that you are worth it. But I don't know if you are. I feel like you betrayed me. Played games with my heart. That to get back at that ******* ex of yours you decide to f around with someone who used to be his friend. Why the f did you tell me those three damning words. I wish to God you knew how I'm feeling right now. I can't friggin eat. I've been drinking most of the day. Last night I had to take two vicadins just to fall asleep. Even with those and a few beers it took me forever. I can't get you the f out of my mind. I sit here wondering if you're even thinking about me at all. I know you probably aren't. I wonder if you truly have any idea how I the f I feel about you. How good I would have treated you if you had trully given me the chance. But no, you didn't. You told me you loved me. Destroyed it all when you said it. I wish you could see inside my heart right now. You told me not to rebuild the wall up around my heart. How the f can you tell me not to. You have one up around yours. You where the one that helped me break down my wall. Then you turn around and help to rebuild it. I don't know if you are lieing about everything and just using him as an excuse. I pray to God that you arent cause I've never done anything to you to deserve that. I've never lied to you about anything. I'm sitting here and you know what I want to do right now. I wan't to make myself hurt. I wan't to watch myself bleed. Just slash my arm watch the blood flow. It would help me to forget the pain in my heart, pain you caused. This pain would be a physical pain. Not this emotional BS. I know how to deal with the physical pain. I've delt with it most of my life. Perhaps one day you will truly know how I feel and what exactly you're putting me through.