Hello. I'm in need of some advice.
Like 6 months ago I ran into this girl. She used to date a friend of mine. I hadn't talked to the guy for like a year before I ran into her. I got arrested one night because of him and never talked to him since. Anyways, I started talking with her and we exchanged phone numbers. Started talking all the time. When she was with my ex-friend the guy would treat her like dirt. Very possesive. I knew that the relationship wasn't a good one for her. She told me alot of what she went through. The beatings, the emotionl abuse, everything. It ticks me off that I never stepped in and acted upon my suspicions. Back to the real story. We started going out together. Nothing serious just hanging out and having fun. She told me that she really didn't want to be in a relationship she just wanted to be able to go out and have fun. I understood cause I didn't really want a relationship either. Over the course of time I started having stronger feelings for her. Then one night she told me she Loved me. I said I loved her too and things where great for like four months. Some of the best times I've ever had in my life.
I knew that one day she would have to confront her ex. His condo is basically furnished with stuff she bought. The guy didn't work for almost three years. Because of this she is in huge debt. This past Sunday he called her up. She called me up right after she got done talking with him. She didn't really tell me much about what was said. I knew it wasn't good cause I could tell that she had been crying. On Monday when I talked to her she was distant. I just got a bad vibe from everything. That night I called her up and I went to go talk with her. We sat in her car for a few hours talking. Never really came to a conclusion. The not coming to a conclusion is what messed me up. I went out afterwards and got myself drunk. Work has been slow so I got home really early on Tuesday and got myself drunk again. I only talked to her for about 10 minutes that night. I wasn't in a good mood. I knew her ending it was gonna happen soon. Wednesday I got home again early from work. Didn't drink this time. Just sat in my bed. When I'm depressed I do alot of writing. It helps me. Mostly I write songs, poems, or just rantings. Anyways I ended up writing her a twelve page letter. Basically pouring out my heart and soul to her. I know that maybe doing the letter thing is a bit immature considering I'm 27. I just have problems sometimes expressing myself and find writing an easier way to do it. I called her up when I was done and asked if I could meet her cause I had somehting I wanted to give her. She said yeah and that she was at her friends house. I drove there and we talked for a couple minutes then I gave her the letter. I left her alone and went and talked with her friend. I basically sat there chain smoking and shaking. I knew what was gonna happen. After like an hour I went back to her. I figured she was done reading and had had a little time to think. I sat next to her and nothing happened. We didn't talk for like 30 minutes. I figured her silence was her answer and told her I was leaving. She grabbed my hand and told me to stay. She had tears in her eyes. We talked. She told me about EVERYTHING she went through with her ex. How she closed up all her emotions. When I ran into her the first time she was just breaking out of her shell. When she told me she loved me she thought she really did and was ready for it. Now she just doesn't know anymore. She closed up again. I was pretty ticked off. All the BS the guy put her through. Well she said she was gonna write me something and for me to wait. I said I would. Since I was out of cigarettes I figured I'd waste some time and go buy some. When I came back she was on the balcony on the phone yelling and crying. Her friend told me her ex called. I just about lost it. I wanted to drive over by him and beat him into oblivion. The only thing that kept me from doing it is when we first started going out she knew how I felt about the guy. She made me promise I would never confront him on it. I know that if I do it'll cause her too many problems. She'll never get her stuff back. But I almost broke my promise to her. Seeing her like that hurt me. I gotta go back and fix her friends wall instead cause I put my fist through it. After I calmed down a bit I started talking to her friend. She told me that after I left to go to the store she started crying. She want's to be able to love me. She has no feelings for anything anymore. I wanted so much to go out there and just hold her. Give her some comfort when she needed it. Her friend said just leave her be for now. A little while later she came back inside and laid down on the floor in the living room crying. I went to her and just laid next to her, held her and let her cry. Soon after he called back again. I started to get up to leave so she could be alone but she wanted me to stay there with her. So I just held her while she was on the phone. I could pretty much hear everything he was saying. He misses her, still loves her, want's another chance, know's what he did was wrong, how he's changed. She kept telling him how she's all messed up because of him. How she's numb to everything. She even told him how she met this great guy and and that she can't love him because of what she went through. Made me sad to hear but at the same time happy. Her battery finally died in her phone. We just laid there for a while in silence. Seeing her like she was I had changed my mind on alot of things. I had told her earlier that if this is the end then I wouldn't be able to do the friend thing. I wouldn't put myself through that pain. I told her now that she needs a friend now more than anything. I'll be there for her. She told me how sorry she was for putting me through everything. We where still talking about everything when the sun started to come up. I wanted to leave but instead we both fell asleep. I'm just glad neither of us had to work on Thursday. We talked for a few more hours in the morning. Her biggest fear is me hating her. I don't hate her. I hate her ex for making her the way she is. I finally left and went home.
Now I know by me deceiding to stay around I'm gonna cause myself alot of problems. She is the greatest girl I've ever met. We clicked on so many levels. I want to help her to get better. Part of me realizes that we may never get back together and I accept this. But part of me still holds out hope that we will. It may take a while but I just don't want to give up on her. She deserves so much. Should I just wait and try helping her? Should I help myself and just leave?
Well that's it I'm sorry if it's long. Everything is just real fresh in my head and I remember it all.
Only one thing left. I wan't to share a little something I wrote about and for her ex.
Hate
The rage boiling
Unleashing the monster inside
You're the cause of all the problems
Hate
Feel all that I feel
Feel all that she feels
The misery inside
The pain inside
Made my life hell
Now it's time for your's to be
Hate
Unleashed
Feeling nothing for you
Watching you bleed
I hate you
Nothingness
Torment her no more
Too little too late
Thanks again for reading
TK
