lifestream

I'm not going to lie, it IS difficult at times. But I think half the reason is because I'm aloof at what's going on around me. I'm horrible at reading signs and if a girl comes off strong I generally push her away. But I've found the more you tease a girl, the more you show that you like having fun, the better. It's always better in a situation where they're in the mood to have fun too. For example if you're playful about it you could throw a snowball at her and she'll respond by trying to get back at you. Or make fun of her in a funny/teasing way, let her know you're not afraid to be funny yet say what's on your mind about her. But that's also a bit of a problem with me. I have defenses, I dislike breaking people's hearts and I dislike having mine broken. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm a romantic...so I feel that makes me more vulnerable than most. I think it's generally hard to find great people though. I find you simply fall into it without looking for it. It just hits you. I'd love to tell you a story about it if you're interested

I think it can possibly be more difficult for an "unattractive" guy to meet women. However attraction has less to do with physical attraction and more with how you make a woman feel. How you stand out from the rest of the fish in the sea. If you come off as something special, she will perceive you as attractive.

I believe two people can be friends after a breakup. Definitely not to the same degree as before, but it is possible. It's relative to the relationship and the perspective the other party has/had on the relationship.

So I spoke with her again today. It's really amazing how uncannily similar she and I are in most respects. We discussed life and the future, not about us, but life in general, where we want to go, what we thought about. I told her about wondering whether I actually want to get into the vice of material progress, rather I'd prefer to live in a modest house with a modest income in a modest neighbourhood. She agreed wholeheartedly. We then spoke about what we want to do with our lives. We're both taking roughly the same stream in university and I told her I also wondered if I want to get that deep into politics...rather I would like to teach overseas and perhaps just become a teacher as I enjoy teaching others. She agreed with that as well! Which I found very interesting, and she sounded very genuine. She said she wasn't having that much fun in university, mainly because she hasn't met anyone outside of her boyfriend. But I can tell she does genuinely like him, and if she learned anything from dating me, she doesn't settle for something unless she believes in it. So I decided it wasn't my place to pry at her happiness for my own selfish gain. I told her before moving off to class that I still appreciate the fact that we can still talk after all we've been through. She smiled and I gave her a hug. I feel like I can finally move on. That's not to say we won't be friends or even involved with each other some years down the line, but I've resigned there's so much life left to live. Life is too short to be bitter at ex's, especially if they are genuinely good people. If I truly love her, I will let her go and live her life. That isn't romantic love, but in my opinion that is still a form of love. I've decided not to look at this experience as being sad that our relationship is over, but being happy that it happened, that I was able to share my life with someone truly special. And now I'm ready to share it with another. I feel so much lighter

Honestly...you have to look at the happy times not as a regret. Looking at negatives, in my opinion, are incendiary and really don't help. It's really unfair to the experiences you shared together. It's no use denying the past, at least from my experience. But you can change the way you PERCEIVE your relationship. I just spoke with my ex today and I'm finally ready to move on with my life, and the funny thing is we're still on good terms. And I honestly would rather have it that way. My ex used to tell me I was hers forever, and I told her that I would love her forever, but things didn't work out. Now that she's with someone else I've decided not to be sad that it's over, but to be glad that it ever happened and that I had such a great time sharing my life with someone, but now it's time to share my life with another person But one must wonder, do you genuinely believe you two still can be together romantically? For the good of you both?

That's exactly how I feel. I don't want to break up what she has. If she's happy then it's not my place to ruin it, that would be completely selfish. Just as a reference though, I generally do have quite a lot of my stuff together. I usually recall happy events and share happy times in my life with her, and I've been busy with a student club I'm running and pursuing my many interests. But even if she were to break up with her boyfriend, I'd prefer a platonic relationship first. That's how we started, anyway. And yes, I feel exactly the same way. Maybe I will be with her again, maybe in a year, maybe again only after ten years. Maybe never again. But I'm not closing myself to possibilities. I may meet someone better than her, but I will always cherish what we had as an experience I will never forget. I've grown and learned so much from the time we've spent apart and when I'm around her it feels like I've found an old friend again, and I want to share my experiences that I didn't have with her. But I also truly think that we are two people cut from the same cloth. It's very rare to meet people who shares almost all of your passions, and looking back, we did share much of the same passions. Some general passions were the will to succeed, thirst for knowledge, same taste in music, art, literature, movies, traveling, other cultures, and history. I don't think I need to ask a response time. I'll lay it out there and if things line up, so be it. It may not though. She could break up with her boyfriend in two years, whereas I may be dating someone at that time. But maybe this is what she's been waiting for, a genuine apology and a heart felt connection. But I agree. I think I'm going to take the road less traveled here. Life as spectator always seems perfect, and to live with regrets or things left unsaid isn't something I want...life is too precious and too short.

I think you can twist fate. For example, if you meet someone and you do nothing, and nothing comes of it, it isn't fate. However, if you meet someone and establish a connection you've never felt before, it's funny how it somehow becomes fate. Believing in fate is a double edged sword. On one hand if you have something amazing, fate is praised. If you haven't found what you're looking for and believe nothing will change, fate is scorned. So fate is an out for someone to not take control of their lives and their perceptions. On the same token however, I don't think establishing a connection with someone special is by chance either. You may meet by chance, and see each other by chance, but developing and nurturing a relationship is something chance cannot fulfill. Commonalities between two people are chance's afterthought

But I don't know when the right time is. If I speak now, it may worry her and she really doesn't need that, as she is going through some very difficult courses in first year. However...I also don't want to wait too long. Perhaps I should give this more time.

I meet my ex on the bus all the time. It doesn't mean that she's interested, but it also doesn't mean that the ex ISN'T

Well, some of you may have read my earlier thread. I want to be with my first love again, (we were each other's first, selfless loves) however she is seeing someone else. We liked each other for a year, dated about 10 months have been broken up for a year and a half but still maintain contact here and there. Our conversations have generally been good and we both laugh quite a bit. She seems very open to speak with me when we meet on the bus or on campus. I've read some philosophy over the course of the weekend and its helped a lot. I am complete on my own. I don't "need" to be attached to someone, but I am grateful for the love I do have with friends and family. I have stopped worrying about how I will fall in love again (with her or another) and have resigned myself to having faith that I will love again. However, there are things I sincerely wish to get off my chest. I was to meet up with her on the 12th before classes. We set it up on monday and like the fool that I am, I didn't confirm with her the night before. I called her the day of and she was purchasing a textbook downtown. It's fine by me though, her studies are more important than her social life. (And she's forgotten to call even when we were dating so I refuse to worry) Anyway, later in the conversation I said I'll just message her on facebook or something, after which she replied "You could always text my phone, that is if you remember " Guys...next time I see her I want to tell her that I appreciate her company and the fact that we can still communicate and talk and would love to continue to do so on a platonic level. But she's been saying "If you remember" a lot in our conversations. I want to show her that I haven't forgotten our good times, that I'll cherish them with me for as long as I live, even if things remain different between us forever. I also want to tell her that I haven't forgotten the way we broke up and how I regret from the bottom of my heart that I ever treated another human being the way I treated her during our breakup, especially the person that meant the most to me and still means a lot in my life. I also wonder how to ask if she's truly happy, if she ever needs someone to catch her, I will...and that someday if she feels it in her heart, I would love to have a second chance with her. (Yeah, probably way too much) I'm just wondering if I'll open old wounds if I say this...or how I would make such a transition to that part of the conversation...

I just want to give you my experience. Ever since I broke up with my ex a year and a half ago, as soon as a girl showed any interest in me, I pushed them away. I came to the realization that as much as I thought I was over my ex, I really wasn't, and I'm still not. (Although your relationship and my relationship may be completely relative to one another). I can't give you any advice I'm afraid...

Thanks man. But I guess no amount of advice could really work in this situation. I have to stay true to myself and her, be honest and leave the rest to god (or fate, or time) I suppose.

Advice is all well and good...but to negate possibilities is to look at your own relationship. There will always be a flame there but don't worry about it. If things fall into place, then they will...but that's also like saying fate will take care of what you want. I truly do not believe this. I think your hope is understandable and natural. It may fade over time, it may not. You will find out what you want as time passes. Perhaps the two of you are just beginning your journeys of self-realization and self-improvement. I think if you two had good communication before the breakup it's important to get his side of things. Don't take everything too literally, tread lightly...but if there's no reason to believe he's a jerk, ask him about your relationship. Talk it out and tread lightly. I'm actually in your situation. Nearing the end of our relationship I didn't love my ex as much as she deserved. I had too many issues to work out, I needed to find myself again. I've realized, after over a year of being without her that I really do love her and hope that one day things can work out between us, at the very least for a second chance and hope that we can be good platonic friends first. Sometimes it takes even longer. So don't hang yourself up on him. When you're ready to date other guys, try it out! But your choices really are half chance. Only time will tell if you made the right ones.

Well guys, I'm not getting many responses but I feel it's important to write down what happened. I called my ex on monday, talked a bit. Her birthday is today. I sent her a text earlier but she didn't reply, but that doesn't matter, I refuse to read into it as it will cause anxiety and I could possibly overreact (anyone who has read the history of the first world war will understand...) Anyway, we chatted and asked when we could get together. She seemed indecisive when I asked about tuesday or wednesday (she used to be somewhat indecisive when we were dating). So I said she sounded reluctant to hang out. She said that wasn't it and asked how my friday was. I agreed to that, we kept talking and it was fun. She told me she didnt have caller ID so to not think she was being mean if I called. I understood this, as I don't have caller ID either on my cell. So we continued to talk and it was fun. I told her friday was too long a wait to wish her happy birthday so I said I wished her an early happy birthday. She then said "You know...you could always call me tomorrow and wish me a happy birthday..." I told her elephants like me never forget (I bought her that plushie elephant, so it'll be a joke when I give it to her) I called her today. I pulled a Marilyn Monroe to JFK haha. She laughed, she sounded happy and surprised that I called. We had a good conversation, her mom said hi and asked how I was doing. Afterwards I told her to call me on friday and told her to have fun on her birthday. So there you go guys. Hopefully someone will reply...lol

Any advice guys? Her birthday is coming up, and I'm going to call her tomorrow. We're either going to meet up tomorrow or tuesday...I bought her a little beanie baby thing for her birthday. I'm going to make sure she has a good time and then as we talk about us, I'm going to tell her that I miss her (in Croatian and not to become a stranger. Am I coming off too strong?

Here's a very interesting article that gives hope to people who genuinely want to change and would like things to work, to have a second chance. Especially for first loves. link removed Everything is relative to circumstance. There's no true science to this.

Technically, you AREN'T dating. You have to warm up again.

I like this post a lot. It's naive to think you can change a person, but relationships take hard work, they aren't easy. To give up when your emotions tell you otherwise isn't something I would recommend whole heartedly. But you two do have big differences and you have to recognize this. I'm a firm believer in redemption and second chances. But it takes hard work, that neither of you may be willing to deal with yet. But I would be weary about this. I mean, you guys did get together while you were under the influence. Both of you could be speaking from the heat of the moment. Figure out your feelings first. Do what you truly believe. But to quote a quote by Baz Luhrrmann "advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth."

I really think you're just saying things in the heat of the moment now. Cool down before you make any more rash decisions.

Need more info, as I'm going through almost the exact same thing. My ex is warming up though... I dislike msn. I think it's horrible in communicating emotion. Half the time you cant tell if the person is cold, angry, depressed etc.

I saw her again today at the bus stop...I was singing but she didn't seem to notice, she was looking in the distance, thinking about something. I decided to say hi and be happy. I was a little nervous but I tried to remain happy and confident. The conversation strayed slightly and she spoke about her grades. She said she was doing well but struggling with economics (I knew she would, I struggled with it in Gr12). And about about 10 minutes into the conversation she admitted that she's not enjoying first year as much as she hoped. I was really taken aback by this. I told her there must have been some good things in first year, but she didn't seem her usual self. I think she's very worried about her grades. I also wondered why her bf hasn't helped her more?? I asked if she still wanted to hang out, and she said yes, and to call her. I want to do something. It seems now that my wanting to be with her again is selfish and pales in comparison. I want her to do well. That's what I want. Everything else comes after... I sent her an e-mail afterwards, and I told her some of the options she had regarding her grade, and I feel she needs confidence. I told her she has to combat anxiety, it's the only way to survive. That she can't look so far in the future, that she has to do as much as she can right now. I told her that in any road she chooses, that I believe in her. ...Yeah... (and for some reason her little sister added me to facebook lol)

I do like this advice. I do care about her, and of course a relationship is about equality and mutuality. If she's happy with the guy she has now, it's definitely not my place to pry that apart, as that would be a very selfish thing to do. However, I do want to keep in contact with her. If we have a good time together and enjoy each other's company when we catch up, how should I go about telling her that? Or asking to hang out again?

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and thereforeeee never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee..." - John Donne Forget the politics.

Well guys, I'm not going to lie, this is a long read, but you may find it interesting. The year was 2003. I failed math in grade 10, I had low self-esteem and I disliked my life. I had to re-take the course in grade 11, and that is where I met my first and still only love. I had always been a generally intelligent person but I, for some reason, could not bring myself to care about my life. She gave me hope, she taught me to believe in myself, she taught me that life is worth fighting for and that there are important people who genuinely care. In the winter of 2003/04 I began to miss her and I knew this was the first (and still only time) that I genuinely wanted to be all that I could for another human being. Before I could say anything, she told me she was dating someone else, but I could tell she still had a spark for me, and it was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. She broke up with her bf during the march break of 2004 (later I found out, it was to be with me) but I was unsure at this point. I was hurt that she dated someone else. She spent her summer in europe and I missed her greatly, I knew I wanted to be with her. We started dating in November 2004 but I knew she loved me before we made it official. We loved each other completely, and selflessly. We almost always considered the other person's feelings first before making a decision, loving each other selflessly, maintaing excellent communication. We had debates but we never fought. It seemed like a match made in heaven. She was all I could ever ask for in a lover and a best friend. I'm a romantic and loved making her feel happy and as special as I possibly could. It was not just what she gave me that made me happy, but the fact that what I gave her made her happy in return. (Just for the record we decided not to have sex because I felt we were too young to understand what it really meant.) I was passing my classes with flying colors (finished Gr12 with 85%) and everything was marvellous. However, she began to worry about our relationship. She worried that I wouldn't have time for her and that I would find someone else. I became afraid and trapped. We were both under stress. I was leaving for university in the fall but she was a year younger than myself, and a friendship I had with another friend was beginning to fall apart and that took a heavy toll on my mind. I told her that she was the one, I would never find someone else, and I knew I wouldn't. I kept reminding her that this is life, and things change, and we'll never have the time like we used to, no one does. I mentioned work and school and that people still manage to have fulfilling, loving relationships. But she still worried, and it made me upset. I stopped thinking clearly. I told her if she let me have space I wouldn't leave her, that she didn't have to worry. I asked for a break but she said no. I knew I needed this break though. I decided to have NC for a couple of weeks because I needed some time and space, but I didn't tell her... We both mutually broke up later in the summer. I felt it wasn't fair to her to keep her like this, even though I was still working out my feelings. In the beginning of my relationship, I remember my mother speaking to me about the subject. And although I didnt understand it then, she said "I wish you two met each other later in your lives." I just laughed about it at the time, thinking she was crazy. I'm convinced now that the uncertainty of youth and inexperience in relationships ultimately led to our downfall. After the summer I felt I wanted to move on, and for a while I did. But there were many reminders of her, even though we didn't speak much. I decided to break the silence in late 2005 or early 2006 as I missed her, and we went out to dinner to speak about the breakup. It was awkward at first, but we both understood why things happened the way they did. I felt like I wasn't completely healed emotionally yet, but on the bus ride home I felt I still had feelings for her. I wanted to kiss her, but I thought it would be irresponsible of me and might be only "rebound" syndrome. I had the chance to date several girls in my first year who seemed just as smart, pretty etc etc. as my ex, but even though they showed interest in me, I had 0 interest to persue. I did also go out on a few dates, and though some of the girls were nice and interesting, I couldn't feel anything. My heart felt frozen to all but my ex. To me this was a sign that I still felt something for her. We spoke off and on through spring-fall 2006 on msn, but didn't really make an attempt at meeting again. I asked to do things a few times, but they were very last minute (calling her the day of) and she couldn't make it. She enrolled in the same university this fall, and happens to be affiliated with my college (and even the general course. I'm taking political science, she's taking public policy and governance.) This fall I spoke with her on the bus a couple times and things felt like they always had. We laughed and spoke about school, movies etc. and I still felt a flame for her. But this was the beginning of mid-terms and I became swamped with school and work from about the 10th of October til just before Christmas. I'm also running a student club at the university. We haven't spoken much since, and I couldn't do much in terms of figuring out how I should speak to her about us, and she's rarely on msn these days (although she accepted my request as a friend on facebook) in mid-november. In late november I found out she was dating another guy. I felt devastated and heartbroken. I tried NC again but she's on my campus, and I see her frequently. We also take the same buses to and from campus. I tried forgetting about her, but it wasn't possible. A relative this Christmas asked about her out of the blue, and I spilled my guts. She's a kind lady, who met her boyfriend and husband in 1941 just before he was sent to fight in the pacific in WWII. She knows how difficult relationships can be. She said "It's never too late to act upon your feelings. Part of the reason you haven't spoken to her about this is because you're insecure about your pride, whether she will say yes or no, and now you're caught in a dilemma. You still genuinely care about her and you don't want to think back to yourself once you have absolutely no chance of speaking (distance, death, commitments etc) and wonder 'what if'. You'll feel better for speaking with her, whether this works out for you or not." So with renewed vigor, I decided to grow some balls and just call her. Her mom answered the phone and actually sounded happy that I phoned, which I thought was a pleasant surprise! We spoke briefly, and I had her laughing within the first 20 seconds, but I decided to cut to the chase. I asked if she would be interested in grabbing a cup of coffee and catch up with each other, as it's been too long. She said sure, and said we could meet up on campus and I could call her whenever I was free. She didn't sound thrilled, but she didn't sound annoyed either. So here I am now. I don't want to think too far ahead. I'm going to call her when we get back on campus and set something up. But I'm going to avoid the heavy question, as I don't think it's a wise idea to bring it up right away. The best I can do is laugh and be happy. I'm not going to go in as a martyr or a victim and I'm not going to force that kind of conversation or have any expectations. Does anyone have any comments or suggestions? I'd like to hear from you guys.