zerohalo

Oh I've come face to face with my inner demons. Finding the courage to slay them is another story. We all have our downsides, and we all focus on them instead of our good points. It's pretty cruel, and I don't know why just about everyone thinks that way. I often wished I could just concentrate on my good attributes, but it doesn't happen. I envy those who can.

Is that typical? Most of my friends in the dating scene tell me it doesn't take much more than 4-5 dates before things get to be pretty physical. I know a standard response to a question like this is, "don't have sex until you're ready." But as stupid as it may sound, I don't want to miss out on a great person because I'm lamely old fashioned. Alright, well assuming I could find someone who would be willing to wait for me to be ready it still doesn't really answer my question. When do you generally bring up what you really want? When is it too soon? Personal experiences/stories would be very welcome. The whole 'when you're ready thing' doesn't mean anything to me. It took -years- for me to bring up my tastes with my wife. I am not willing to wait that long now, you know? Obviously there has to be some sort of connection, there has to be trust. But you have to look at it from the point of view from a guy who has no experience. How do you know when it's the right time to bring it up?

This is one of those questions where I don't know what forum it should go on. I'm not really looking to start dating again as my marraige is in the process of ending, legally. I have healing to do, and I want to get my head on straight before I pursue another relationship. However, I know at some point I'll need to start dating and it's kind of been on the forefront of my mind. I'm really not looking forward to dating at all. I'm pretty glad that I'm not going to jump into it for a while, but I can't help but think that at some point, I'm going to have to do it. Here's the issue. I have only dated two women in my life, one in high school, then the next girl I dated in high school I ended up marrying. She was the only woman I have had sex with, or really any intimate contact with. One of the problems in my marraige was my sexual tastes- I don't like vanilla sex. I like spice and a whole lot of variety, and to me sex really does happen mostly in the head and not just the body. So although I know I'm jumping the gun here a bit (I first have a long road of healing ahead of me, then I have to actually find a woman who would want to date me), I have some concerns. I have zero, nada, no clue when people start to have sex in an adult relationship. It seems like people have sex these days before they actually love the person they're with and that seems strange to me. Probably an odd attitude for a 30 year old, but there it is. And like I mentioned, my sexual tastes aren't vanilla. I don't want to scare a woman away, but frankly just regular intercourse won't do it for me. So if people start having sex before they love and trust each other, and I can't really enjoy it that much if it's just vanilla humping... Is this making any sense? Can I get some advice?

A male perspective here. First off, don't let the whole 'good girl' thing get in the way of a happy sex life. As long as you and your fiance love each other and trust each other, there's nothing you should feel bad about doing. You of course shouldn't do things that you feel are dangerous, but I guess what I'm saying is that you should keep an open mind. Sex should be fun, you know? That being said, communicate. There's nothing wrong with asking what he would like. There's also nothing wrong with doing a bit of reading online to get some ideas. As far as giving him oral sex, if he's too big here's a couple suggestions. You could just give 'head', meaning just putting the head of his penis in your mouth and then using your hand at the base of his shaft... it's like a handjob with an added bonus. If he's fairly long as well as wide, use both of your hands while doing this. It'll be a big ego boost. "I'm so big she had to use TWO hands." Lots of use of the tongue along the entire shaft with a bunch of eye contact is also very sexy. Also rubbing your face on it can be a turn on. The real trick here is to show him how much you love it, and him. But really, being open to try new things, being comfortable enough to ask him questions, and just trying things that come to mind would be a good start. Confidence in bed is mighty hot. Have fun!

You've already gotten some good advice, but I'm going to attempt to offer some more. First of all, you have to want it and be excited by it. If you're scared and nervous, your butt is going to reflect that emotional state. It's ok to be scared and nervous, but you've got to have the desire to overcome them. I strongly suggest that you two do lots of other foreplay before trying anal. People's pain tolerance goes up when they're turned on, and at some point (if you're really doing this because you want it) you're going to get that itch and want to go for it. If you're comfortable with it, have him perform analingus on you. Many women have found that to be the gateway to anal sex because it feels so good. And chances are, it'll help you relax and want more. Then, start to do what others have said. Use water based lube, a vibe on your clit, and start with fingers and work your way up. If you like toys, get a series of progressively larger butt plugs. Start small and work your way up.

When the waist and the hip measurement is the same, that's not curvy. If the waist measurement is bigger than the hips, that's not curvy. To me, curvy is the waist measurement being smaller than the hips and bust. There is a lot more variety to that than it sounds, but that's what does it for ME. I'm not saying that's what does it for everyone.

RedQueen, I feel sorry for you. It sounds like you've had more than your fair share of idiots comment on your (or perhaps a friends) attire. To be fair, your wearing a tank top that reveals that you have larger breasts for your frame will get attention. A lot of us pigs... er guys... just notice that. I don't actively try to be a jerk, but chances are if I saw an attractive woman in a tank top with large breasts I wouldn't look away for at least a few seconds. To the topic at hand! There are lots of reasons why a woman wants to show off the girls, and whatever those reasons are, they're hers. I personally like it when a woman shows off her cleavage because it typically shows confidence, in my opinion.

There is such a thing as a bad kisser, but it's generally chemistry that makes a kiss good. When you both just want each other, so much that it hurts, a kiss can be electrifying. However, my ex had a bit of a moustache (I'm a guy and she was, and probably still is, a woman), and despite me loving her, sometimes I couldn't get over it. I know, that's shallow.

And you're well within your rights to ask. I think if anything, this thread has shown that people prefer lots of different things and that is helpful, so don't worry about it. I agree with most folks here, it really depends on the person. A woman who hunches over and obviously has no confidence and has a few extra pounds would, to me, be unattractive. But stand up straight, smile and show that confidence and you would be a sexy beast. I find that size doesn't matter much, it's what I see in the person's face and eyes that really gets to me. But, I will admit, I too have my personal limits. All in all, I absolutely adore curves. There is a point that a woman stops having curves and that's where I tend to no longer be interested.

I wish you could have seen my head do a double-take when I read this. I was pretty surprised to hear (or read, as the case may be) a woman actually say she'd be willing to do that. From my extremely limited experience, women just seem to be so turned off or disgusted by the idea. Anyways. I definitely prefer to keep my hair trimmed short, which can be a challenge around the boys. I've got a great little trimmer that does the job nicely. Never tried it 'back there' though. For her, either trimmed short with good attention to the bikini line, or brazillian waxed. Shaving leaves sandpaper, and that's not fun.

I think the reason might be that guys feel that if they say they have that quality, it might actually scare women off. I know I feel that way; if a woman knew how freaky I was in bed up front I think she'd bolt. But in general, I think it'd be an immediate turn on for most men to know a woman to be adventurous in bed. To answer the original question though... No, I don't think I'd date myself. I'm not attractive, I'm too shy to make for a good first impression, and I generally don't know the right thing to say, ever. Plus there's the whole freak in bed thing. See? Doesn't sound as good when a guy says it, now does it? I do have some good qualities, but I don't like me very much so I'm probably not the right person to ask. Good lord, that sounds confusing.

Jeff, I'm going to be very honest here. Move on. You responded to one of my posts and mentioned you were going through something similar. The reality is, this woman has completely betrayed you and is spiraling down. Her 'love' she is confessing? Seriously bud, SHE'S IN JAIL. Honestly I don't think she's hit her bottom yet, and until she hits it and picks herself up from it, there is no hope. Do you really want a depressed drug user helping you raise your children? Just put out of your head for a second that she's "Their Mother", all too often people use that reason to justify holding a marraige together. Your daughter is going through a rough time, but how much rougher would it be to put that destructive woman back into your family unit? If you believe in fate (and obviously you strongly believe in god), and you really do love this woman from your past, I think that's fantastic. I don't think you should actually do anything with her until your kids can accept that though. This is undoubtedly very hard on all of you, but your daughter is going to resent this woman until she can get some peace first.

Thanks for the words, honey. I don't feel really brave at all, I just did what I felt that I needed. The consequence of that is I now know the depth of her indifference to our relationship which hurts so much more than just knowing she had outside 'relationships'. But, I had to know all the same. Can you link me to the journal area? I didn't know the site had something like that, and I have been considering writing some of my feelings down about all of this. She called me this morning and left a message. I guess she felt she needed to clarify things from our talk last night. I don't really know why she felt she needed to do that, maybe she felt she owed it to me. It doesn't matter either way. If anything, her message has only made things worse. She now confesses to have been going out and drinking and doing sexual acts (she still won't actually say sex probably because she's been having oral sex) with people at the restaurant she worked at. This was the second job she took to help pay bills while I managed the house. In addition, she was the 'other woman' in many other husband's lives. Part of the reason she didn't want to give me names is because she was afraid I'd go tell the wives of these cheated men that she ruined their marraige's too. I feel sorry for all of those women, I really do. Their marraiges are now one step closer to failing because my wife was a selfish * * * *. Not that the other guys are blameless, but she certainly didn't help. And she is now trying to rationalize her relationship with her student, saying that he's her best friend and that was separate from the sex. I said it before, but what planet does she live on? The best friend you have sex with is typically your spouse. I almost think she wants me to get so low that I just kill myself over all of this. She knows that I've had problems with suicidal thoughts before. Laugh's on her though if that's the case. Her complete betrayal just makes me want to have a better life, not end it. Who knows, maybe she just wants to hurt me more, turn the dagger a bit. That flies in the face of what she told me over Christmas (she told me how much she -cared- about me while sobbing), but I'm thinking she just wants to hurt me.

Today was not a good day. My wife and I are living in different cities during the separation, but I had to go to hers today for work. I decided that I at least owed telling her to her face that I wanted a divorce. Well I had to sit in my car for a while before she was done with work, so I got to thinking about what I would say. I realized I had quite a few things I would need to say, and quite a few questions answered just so I had some closure. One of the chief ones, did she or did she not sleep with any of these people she had 'relationships' with. She originally told me she didn't have sex with any of them. It took a fair amount of prying, she kept saying "Does it really matter?" I finally told her I needed to know if I should go to the hospital to get tested for STD's, a legit concern. That finally made her tell me the truth. She did. Upon further questioning she revealed that she had sex with the person she's been tutoring to read. For the last year she knew I was jealous of the time she spent with him, and I honestly asked her a couple of times if something was going on with the two of them and she denied it both times. On top of that, there were at least two other guys she 'didn't have penetration with', so basically she gave (or received) oral sex from them. These were just the people I actually had met at one time, she didn't tell me about the ones I didn't know personally. The absolute audacity to all of this is she asked me if I seriously wanted the divorce, that maybe I wanted to think about it first. I guess her having sex (of various kinds) with half a dozen guys behind my back for 2 years while lying to my face about it was something I was supposed to just pass off. From my first post, I think i had said I suspected she was lying about not having sex with others. But now that I actually know for sure now... What freaking planet does this woman live on? How could she lie to me, right to my face when she saw I was scared of what might be going on? How could she have sex with me for those two years while knowing she might be giving me a disease? Why would she EVER think I could forgive all that and want to go to therapy after she was the one who backed out of it the first time around? I'm absolutely crushed, and I'm terrified of what's going to happen to me when all of this sinks in.

Crap, it's really starting to hit me today. I'm trying to get a hold of a recommended divorce lawyer and it feels like my insides are getting hollowed out.

When is it no longer a rebound? Is the first person you date after a divorce always considered a rebound?

Thank you both for the kind words. I think I knew in my heart what you both said, but sometimes it helps to hear things from someone else so you know you're not delusional. My other worry is I feel myself starting to sink into depression, and that's going to really affect my job. My boss isn't what you'd call considerate, and I'm scared that I could lose it. I want to be able to function, but how can you when you go through something like this?

I tossed and turned for hours in bed tonight, and by a stroke of luck I found this site. It seems like the community you have here is very supportive, so I thought maybe posting was worth a shot. Here goes. My wife and I were highschool sweethearts; together for 13 years, married for 7. Things started to get strained between us about 2 or so years ago. It was hard to pin down exactly what was wrong really. Finances were always a stressful point with us, and it eventually lead to her getting a second job to pay the bills while I took care of the housework. I saw less and less of her, yet our finances were always in the toilet and I was trying to keep the house together. If I had to pinpoint it, I think things started to fall apart the day she told me that a customer at the store she worked at asked her out and she said yes. I know that sounds like a 'duh' statement, that of course would be an obvious place to pinpoint the problem, right? I'll admit, it shook our marraige pretty good, but she told me about the situation before doing anything about it so I decided not to flip out and instead tried to work on us. Nevertheless, my trust was shaken. Well here's the long and the short of it. We've been separated since mid-october (her idea, 3 days before my 30th birthday, happy birthday to me...) and things have come to a head. I was totally willing to try and get our marraige on track again. I was very recently diagnosed as having a form of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) which always made me keep people at arms length, including her. Just realizing that I wasn't alone, with a disorder I had lived with for as long as I could remember, was a HUGE burden off of my shoulders. Being able to recognize it gave me a power over my life I didn't have before, and it made it so that I desperately wanted to be close to her. It's a sick thing to truly love someone and be so conflicted inside that you can't bring yourself to show it. I did my best, but I fully admit I could have done more. Probably a lot more. At one point I even told her that I wasn't sure that I loved her; that wasn't me saying I want to call it quits, that was me trying to be honest and say something is wrong with the relationship, we gotta fix it. I told her that about 2-3 years ago, and since then I thought we had worked our way to a better place. Well, I very recently discovered that she has been cheating on me for the last 2-3 years. I couldn't give her what she needed, so she says. She sobbed on the phone, "Why couldn't you have changed 3 years ago?" The answer was I have/had a mental problem all this time. I've been the same person she married on our wedding day, the same person she fell in love with. I didn't get diagnosed until a month before our separation, and by then she felt that it was too 'convenient' that I was willing to give her everything she wanted. Wow, that was really long, wasn't it? So here's my issue. I've decided it's time for a divorce- I could forgive almost anything, but cheating on me (she has confessed to multiple people over the last 3 years) is not one of them. I'm not looking for absolution or forgiveness, but am I out of line? I've always felt that when someone cheats it's not just the cheaters fault, it's also the fault of the other person. I know I've messed up, but I also tried to fix it on multiple occasions. We even went to therapy at my urging, to which she went to 4 sessions then called it quits. The clincher was that she said she wasn't sure if she was willing to give up the relationship she had right now to work on us. All this time she has said she's been confused, that she didn't know what to do, that she was throwing up because her stomach bothered her so much. I didn't get why she was being afflicted like this, but with my 20/20 hindsight, I'd say it was guilt. I've been finding it really hard to feel anything since this has happened. A few times I've felt like I was going to cry some of this pain out, but it won't happen. I know I can't really move on without releasing some of the hurt, and I know I can't try to find any kind of intimacy or love without somehow accepting the betrayal. Oh man, I'm messed up in the head. Help?