scott

i'm beginning to realise there's a difference between love and lust. i agree Hollywood love, or Western romanticised love might be a bit pants, but love in the truest sense, well it can be akin to God (Herman Hesse says so in "Siddartha"! It's down to words, and we're crap at it

definitely tell her, face to face. You know, just tell her she's often in your head, get it off your chest to her. I'd meet up with her to tell her though - emails or calls (texts even more so...) can't match the truthfulness of body language and just being with each other. TELL HER - and see the avenues open up (just be ready to accept the worst...). Still, the worst can't be as bad as never knowing. Then it's onwards and upwards, me matey!

if you've got a long-termer bf, say 10 years+, and you fall in love with another guy, what would you do? 1. leave bf and set up as single, so you can hang out with new guy 2. stay with old, hang out with new guy anyway, see how it goes in other words, jump from one to another or jump off and cross your fingers?? please enlighten me!!

you can be drawn to others in many ways, so many would argue that you and this third man should nurture the "other ways". But to me it's the one special way, the reason he's in your heart and makes you cry, that's where the magic's at. Because it rises above the other connections you have, encompasses and protects them, forgives and understands their weaknesses as well as strengths. I'm the third man in a similar situation, and I can't understand how she can have that special connection with more than one man. Sure, we can all make astounding connections with others, but in that special way, I certainly have space for only one. Which is why I am now disappointed - because either she misuses language (written and body), is confused and weak, or is a player.

As my friend once told me (I have yet to see if if it will work, however...): "You've done the hard task of breaking the barrier and expressing your feelings. You can plan and counterplan but what will be will be and you my friend have to acquire tranquility of heart and peace of mind.. Life sometimes seems to be a series of tests and so another journey four-twenty. To maintain one's dignity, honour and to be grateful forwhat is so beautiful about this life."

Look at the odds, if someone offered you a choice. A 99% at winning 10,000 dollars, or a 1% at winning 1,000,000 dollars, which one would you chose? - be careful here my man!!. I think this is to underestimate the quality of love. Of course I'd go for the 99% of winning $10,000 but if it's love I'm after, I'd go for the 1% (nothing else works). Some people say it's both sides bringing the best out in each other. I'm thinking I'll find out what it is when I find it - it's clearly not the conventional view (as you say it ends in tears and emptiness - so it must be something better. A bit like faith, really, and hope but I suspect better.

yeah, dog, with a name like that you got the sixth sense, yeah? Only you two know, nobody else. So, nose wet and tail high, go sniffing and a playing, see what happens. We' re all different: asking for advice doesn't mean you need to heed it. Big woof, go fetch! Scott

oh i feel 4 u, frustrated love's a bum deal. I think you're on course though - you and her have energy, sit back, kick back, wait for that energy to put you both in a new equilibrium. Then things can come together, and even if they don't you know you had the best and it WILL have to wait 'til the next lifetime (boo, sob). What is it they say? "You can force things, but nothing good ever comes from it." I SOOOO empathise with you (and I'm a bloke!)

I'm confused, who can help? We met at work 3 years ago, I've never met anyone like her - she's modest, non-advertorial, beautiful, deep but things have recently changed hugely. For three years I've assumed she was out of my reach because she's got a LONG-term bf (12 years monogamy), and so for three years we've worked together and, well, it's all been good and fine. Then I left work and things started playing on my mind, and I realised how much time I had started to spend thinking about her and how wonderful she really is. So a couple of months back I told her and she reveals to me that she's always felt close to me, cannot even begin to describe how she felt for me back then. And we've met twice since in our new honesty and, truly, it's indescribable how we are - it's like we melt together when we meet. Last time I (stupidly I am beginning to think) told her that I shouldn't contact her in any way - because the key was her deciding whether she wanted to continue seeing bf or not - and before deciding on that any other course would be biased and dangerous. That was one month ago and clearly I'm beginning to doubt my strategy - I can't see how we can resolve anything without communicating so every day I miss her more and more and, well, just want to see her. Don't get me wrong, if she and bf are good together then who am I to interfere. But the truth is I've not met anyone anything like her before, and I'm sure her behaviour towards me suggests she wants me over him. The bottom line is that I assumed that she thinks like me (i.e. needing no encouragement to make hard decisions, needing no obvious reassurance, just getting on with things and making stark absolute choices) but now wonder if I'm giving her too many of my own (male) characterisitics. After all, she's only had the one bf, ever, so perhaps I'm being ignorant in the psyche of girls. What do you think is going through her head? Am I being ignorant / stupid? How can I resolve this truthfully (whatever the outcome)?

I would have thought it is one's intention which determines whether one is cheating or not - the medium through which it is manifest is secondary.

or similar comes to mind, eh.

i'm with mjones all the way - leaving be always seems to be the weakest wettest strategy but can be so powerful and true. I wonder if you can help me - it seems you are both in a place I need advice from. I have started to fall for a girl I used to work with (1 year ago) who has had a boyfriend (the only one ever) for 14 years (half her life). We've met a bit since realising it's mutual, but now I feel there are so many possible variables time iand disconncction is needed. If you've got the time and inclination, could you have a quick peek at the link for me?

Yes I think it's harder to stay away in the short term. But I am beginning to see the argument for spending as much time together as possible. I feel it's an intention thing - ie if I was certain my intentions were virtuous (ie not just wanting to write my perfect life script but actually wanting to see what we make of each other) then I'd be all for it. But I'm not that sure I can be that cool or objective about her - I can't even begin to describe how I feel about her - I'll just get confused, all the boundaries will blur and words warp. Thing is, you and I can call on the odd friend or family to run things by, for a second or third opinion. They can't - they only have their internal dialogue (and who knows what their heads are doing at such a suffocating time) and you or me, and if that's not loaded then what is? So our very presense could as easily be a light at the end of the tunnel as a strong current to (ultimately) take both under. That's my point. Staying away maintains the purity and balance of the triangle and the forces (in a non-new age way) can push and pull as they wish and then after some time there will PROBABLY be reached a new equilibrium (she dumps him, he dumps her, they reinvent their unity, he falls for a third girl, she falls for a third boy (or girl), whatever. Getting involved and seeing each other at the wrong stage can corrupt this and make the new equilibrium unsteady, unsure.

hi. that's why i'm at such a loss - because I've always maintained a relationship should be built on a friendship but this time something is so strong that I just can't do it any more. The fact she's with another man is obviously a major obstacle in that everything we do together will be biased and tainted and dodgy - it's not exactly the recipe for love and unity. So now I get waves of unpleasant love and frustration, but I figure if it's love as strong as it feels then it will forge it's own course (in it's true directio (maybe she'll end up with a third person, who knows). Otherwise, we email and meet and meddle and make a simple thing complex. I still maintain the core question is "should she be going out with Tom?", all the other questions are fact or fantasy depending on the answer to that. I want to know what the argument against the above is (i.e. "What planet are you on? Go get her boy!"; it must be pretty strong. If anyone can enlighten me... Following on from what you say, I think the chances of someone crossing the line at a lataer date is high. I mean, (frustrated) love hangs around for a long long time. One could spend a lifetime chasing her/him and when union happens realise it wasn't her/him you wanted as such but the life you could have given each other. All that worry and heartache over what might be and to be rewarded with something different and less brilliant than you imagined. Oh, and apologies if this is kindergarten stuff, but we must never forget the stress our attached friends are under – we have it easy and clear, they don't. They might not be looking for the "perfect" one like we are, in extreme cases they may be desperate for ANY reaffirmation of their "loveability"…

yes of course she likes you, what she knows of you so far, but there's a million more miles to go if you get together. Tell it how it is, nobody knows where they stand otherwise and the world becomes a duller place. Go for it, it's only stage 1 after all.