FATKID

We apparently have witnessed very different events in our lives. I've seen plenty of relationships initiated by the woman blossom into something very special. If two people can't make a relationship work because of the way it began, well..., I just have a hard time believing that these folks are very mature. Personally, I pay keen attention to the person, not the work I have to put in in order to 'keep' them. The relationship is built around commonalities and chemistry. The chase, while intriguing, is not important to the survival of the relationship. But, you may very well be right. I'm sure there is plenty of truth to what we're both saying. I suppose it's really just a matter of preference. Personally, I like to initiate. But, I'm certainly not opposed to the woman doing it (before I was married). I can even admire her doing so because it can indicate her willingness to take matters into her own hands. Thanks for the insight. Good day.

Is there a particular reason why you ladies have an aversion to asking a guy out? I'm just curious as many women I know personally would rather never find out if a guy likes her if it involves initiating anything. I'm just trying to understand why someone would so vehemently avoid taking matters into their own hands. I don't see anything wrong with it, necessarily, it just seems counterintuitive if you're seeking a relationship. Good day.

Guys are obtuse yahoos, huh? I suppose I would take offense to this if it wasn't so accurate. A woman asking a man out is not impossible by any stretch of the imagination. It happens all of the time and some wonderful relationships have begun with the woman initiating them. With that said, I understand that she is shy and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. However, we also have to remember that this guy is WORKING while he has contact with her. As a manager, I could understand why this gentleman might be apprehensive about approaching her, if this is the case. You can never know how people will react to any given situation. He might think that she 'could' take offense to this and call his supervisor, who might be really uptight. While it's nice to find out if someone wants to reciprocate, it's not worth getting reprimanded at work (or worse). While this may not be the case, this is one of the reasons why I suggested that she approach him. Women don't need to be relegated to a passive position of hoping that the man will pick up on subtle signals. She is more than able to decide her own fate. Taking life into your own hands and controlling situations is not impossible. Actually there's a lot of freedom in it. Either way, I wish the OP good luck.

Hello there, I don't know if he can tell you're as shy as you think you are. I'm a guy, so when I tell you that guys just aren't too perceptive with things like that, I know what I'm talking about. All kidding aside, why don't you just approach him and ask him out? I know it will be difficult, but that's the only way to find out other than HOPING he'll ask you out. If he's shy too, that likely won't happen. You don't have anything to lose. Why not just go for it? Otherwise you may never know. Good luck.

You are placing this situation into a context congruent with your belief structure. And so am I. This fella just has to decide which viewpoint applies to him and run with it. He might have to play clean up a little in order to get a glimpse of her true intentions but, since the damage is done, he likely has no other choice . There is simply no way for either of us to know how she took the question. She may have been offended and gave a cryptic answer. Then again, she may have given an accurate answer that reflects an aversion to commitment.

You're right, he should not badger her because of her answer. But questioning it, regardless of the pointlessness of it, might be a good idea if for nothing less than to pinpoint her motives for avoiding such a promise. Granted my analogy was extreme, but I feel it illustrated my point adequately. In my mind, both are terrible things (obviously murdering your Mom in cold blood with a axe is a tad worse ). However, both are things that should be avoided vehemently. Considering this, I would (personally) question her motives behind such an answer. I would, of course, do it respectfully. If I were in this fellow's position, this answer would make me wonder. I agree that there is a very good possibility that she found the question demeaning, as you pointed out. If this is indeed the case, would it not be a much more prudent move on her part to not even dignify such a question with an answer? Instead she said that she doesn't know what she'll do in the future and couldn't promise anything. Likewise, I too have no idea what my next move will be, but my morals will be intact and my judgments will be based on these. Considering this, I can safely say that I won't cheat on my wife. Does this guarantee that I won't do something so abhorrent? No. But I still would (and did with my vows) make such a promise. And I feel confident making such a promise because the person I have always been, am today, and will likely be in the future would not allow such a thing to happen. Promises can and (sometimes) will be broken. However, this fact should do little to diminish the value of the original intention of the promise. That, of course, does not mean empty promises need to be made. I can't help but to wonder that, if the gender roles were reversed, would this be such a pointless question? I'm not saying this guy is over reacting or otherwise. All I'm saying is that he is justified in wanting to know her motives behind this answer. Whether or not he is tactful in the process is entirely up to him. I see your point, though...

Very sound advice!

Some guy is right about the aversion to the promise as being a red flag. I don't know the future either and wouldn't presume to, but I'm relatively sure that I wouldn't kill my mother with an axe. As funny as that sounds, I'm not trying to be too humorous here. I consider both terrible things and would be confident in saying that I would never do either. Her apprehension at making such a claim is dubious at best and can be justifiably construed on your part as a sign of things to come. Something like that should be a given in any committed relationship, but she should've, at the VERY least, told you that you were silly to even think of such a thing. Her inability to make that promise to you, despite the overbearing nature of your request, would make me question her motives for getting back together with you. While only you and her truly know what's going on, I would advise that you consider moving on. That kind of answer, as silly as the question was, would make me wonder. Perhaps you had reason to worry after all... Either way, I wish you luck.

I would tell him straight up. If that scares him away, then he's likely not mature enough for a woman of your caliber. If you are apprehensive about this and still want to let him know, humor is always a good buffer for presenting serious information. You might say something like "I'm not going Fatal Attraction on you here, but...". But, coming from a man's perspective, I would enjoy hearing something like that. It's not like your threatening to kill him if he doesn't pop the question tomorrow.

Anything I would say would be directly contingent on the nature of the original break up. Did you have anything specific in mind as far as the nature of the break up is concerned?

I have NEVER understood why people get more angry at the other person than they do at their boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever who DIRECTLY BETRAYED them. If you have forgiven that scumbag, then forgiving her should ge VERY easy.

Forgive me, but I think that you are assuming too much about the people involved in this situation. You have somehow gleaned from her singular post that this female is very young, most likely a teenager. You are assuming that this fellow NEEDS to be hurt in order to learn something and, ultimately, become a better person in the process. And lastly, you are also assuming that all parties in this case are intellectually inept to a point to where they have to actually perform despicable acts in order to appreciate the seriousness of them. I am not trying to be forward here, but are you assuming these things because you find this situation familiar? I would hate to assume something like that, hence my question. How you can come to these conclusions based on one vague post is beyond me. People react differently to different situations. Assuming that this guy will automatically benefit from being betrayed is a major leap of faith and, in my humble opinion, very irresponsible. Your point has some merit, theoretically speaking. However, advocating a reprehensible act in order to "better" you and, most importantly, the people around you is just irresponsible. This is especially true when you consider that she doesn't know how this guy will be affected, let alone you. Good day.

An after thought: While I can appreciate what you are saying and even empathize with it to a certain degree, I would have to say that this advice is irresponsible for one very simple reason. You mention that she has nothing to lose and everyone involved has something to learn from the situation. To a certain extent, what you are saying is accurate. However, while she MAY have nothing to lose, the other person, namely the boyfriend, has a lot to lose. He has his girlfriend, first of all. Secondly, he may and probably will lose his ability to trust in the short term. Some people, unfortunately, never recover fully from something like this. And, if in fact she is young along with her counterpart, this can be crippling. We have no idea what kind of mental state these two (or three) people are in. This hypothetical act of her cheating could act as a catalyst for her boyfriend to engage in a downward spiral of depression, or worse. I see what you are saying. Sometimes we have to face consequences in order to fully appreciate the seriousness of situations. And the analogy of burning one's self was an appropriate example of your point. However, that scenario differs from this one for one very stark aspect: she's not the only one who will be affected by her act. If she burns her hand, she will be the only one hurt. If she cuts herself, only she will experience the pain. If she intentionally hurts her boyfriend by premeditating infidelity and acting upon it, she isn't the only one hurt or affected. Moreover, what you are suggesting is that she intentionally hurt someone for her benefit. She has no way of knowing how another individual will react to something simply because she is not that individual. Intentionally hurting someone for your benefit is the most abhorrent thing I can think of. If she has an inadequate appreciation for the cause and effect aspect of relationships, she should be urged to read some of the posts here from men and women who have betrayed. She shouldn't be tempted to add another casualty to the list. Then she can see how these people are really being affected. It isn't pretty. She shouldn't have to hurt someone to learn that cheating is a thing that should be avoided and looked down upon. She has plenty of examples at her fingertips at this very site. Good day.

Very true. But my point still stands: people need not perform terrible acts in order to appreciate the value in abstaining from them. Either you were misunderstanding me or, most likely, I wasn't conveying my point adequately. Good day.

Murder is wrong, but I don't need to kill someone without provocation in order to heed this as a lesson learned. Just what are you getting at?

Either way, it kinda sounds like she's using you, or at least was. I didn't want to say anything until you mentioned what you did you your last post. Do you feel that she was?

Regular exercise, a good diet, and chamomile tea are good alternatives to drugs. Go to the doctor!!!!!!!! Good luck.

Sound advice. You never know how your employer will react to you looking for another job. He/she might just fire you on the spot. Then you would be in a terrible position: no job and no job lined up. Find another job and give an ample notice if you feel like you have no opportunities for advancement in your current position. Good luck.

This suggestion has merit but, coming from a guy's perspective, I would bring it up. If you are close enough to be physically intimate with one another, then this should be easy to talk about. I know you don't want to hear this, but he may just not be having a good time. If this is the case, this HAS to be addressed. Mutual satisfaction during sexual encounters is very important in intimate relationships, especially budding ones. Waiting a month, a week, or whatever is going to facilitate the formation of a "bad" habit on his part. He'll get used to not being fully satisfied and this may being to wear on the intimate aspect of your relaitonship. I would bring it up casually the next time you two are together. Like I alluded to before, if you two are close enough to lie naked next to each other, this should be easy to talk about. Good day and good luck.

There is a good chance she is questioning your intentions overall. She is correct in assuming that you had ulterior motives, although you sound like you were a genuine friend. She, however, probably doesn't know this. She may very well be thinking that all the time you spent with her, all the things you did for her, and all the things you shared with her were only things to facilitate you being close to her and, ultimately, help create an intimate relationship with her. You have to understand (which you may), that women think very differently than men do about many things. When a guy finds out that a female friend of his likes him, he is most likely going to be excited about it and, if he's alone, he may try to pursue a relationship with her. Women, on the other hand, tend to question the motives of the guy who recently spilled the beans, so to speak. And rightfully so. Women are accustomed to being used mildly by men posing as better friends than they really are or want to be in order for them to be closer to them. Men make this common mistake of letting their romantic intentions go unknown to their love interest. They just dig themselves deeper with the guise of friendship (I'm not assuming you are guilty of this, though) only to have a bigger hole collapse on them when things go awry. Women don't like being lied to or misled under any circumstances (although they're really good at manipulation themselves ). Seriously though, some women tend to feel somewhat betrayed by this kind of behavior. Your friend may very well feel this way and, since it sounds like you were genuinely there for her, you need to let her know that your intentions were only to be her friend. But things changed. Now you have feelings for her. You should have told her about your feelings as soon as they surfaced. Now it's time to play patchwork. She may think you were just using her and posing as a better friend than you really were. If this is the case, she needs to know the truth. The likelihood of you and her getting together in the near future is slim to none. Damage has been done, but it can be mended. I would suggest telling her about your original intentions, if you haven't already, and I would do my best to move on. If she's like most women I know, it will take her awhile to get over this situation. Not to mention, if she is still seeing someone else, you must MOVE ON. Good day and good luck.

If I had serious thoughts of being with someone else, I would try to re-evalute the relationship I was in. It might be a sign that your needs/wants are not being fulfilled. Under ANY circumstances, break up with your current BF before you try anything with this fella. Cheating on someone is the worst thing you could do to them in a relationship.

How would you go about raising it? Well, once you get the bill from that doctor visit you need, that might raise it a little. 8)

Personally, I think cheating on someone is the most abhorrent thing one can do in a relationship. Trust is the most beautiful thing in the world. It is one of the easiest things to get, but the hardest thing to earn back when lost. Shattered trust, when put back together, will always be weak at the seams. While I do think that cheating in any form is a deal breaker in ANY relationship, it probably should be addressed in a marital relationship. If it can be worked through, great, if not, one must do their best to move on. But, if this jerk is just your boyfriend, I urge you move on. You owe it to yourself to find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated and, most importantly, someone who will treat you with the respect you treat them with. Mutual trust and respect is the foundation of any successful and mutually beneficial relationship. Crack that foundation, and the structure will likely topple over. He cracked that foundation. You should look to rebuild that foundation with someone else. Someone mentioned that cheating in a one-night-stand situation is more understandable. I would have to agree with this assertion. One F-up is much easier to understand than someone living a completely different life on the side with someone else. Deliberate manipulation is involved. Cheating is wrong, no doubt about it. But planning these encounters, time after time, should be unforgivable in your situation. This guy actually put thought and effort into this. Think about that. It wasn't random. It wasn't a "mistake". He spent a long time thinking about how he could get what he wanted from her and how he could hide it from you. This should be a wake up call. This is going to be hard to get over and, as said before, you may never completely get over it. Use this. Use this situation as a learning experience to better yourself. Use it to reinforce in your mind what you deserve from a relationship. Better yourself with it. And, when you are ready, share the new you with someone who deserves someone like you. Good day and good luck. I hope you get through this and get what you deserve.

I'm not saying that what you are experiencing is anxiety disorder, but that and panic attacks can manifest themselves in MANY different ways. Some attacks you may feel dizzy, confused, and surreal. Some you may feel as though you are going to die. You may experience these by yourself, in large crowds, or anywhere. The first thing you should do tomorrow is make a doctor's appointment. Good luck.

Based on the little information that I've received thus far, I am going to have to make a couple of assumptions. Actually, I'm going to make a lot of them. Please forgive me if they are not accurate and please do not take offense to it. I'm going to guess that your other love interests were your friends before you had feelings for them. If this is the case, it is difficult for women to begin to see friends as potential lovers. In my observation, it is much more difficult for them to do this than it is for men. I have no idea why this is the case. I'm also going to assume that you have been taken advantage of in the past because you are a "nice guy". Do you tend to cater to the wishes of others and completely ignore your own? If this is the case, constant acquiescence will mold your counterpart's perception of you into that of a doormat. I know, that seems a little harsh, but it has truth to it. This person will begin to see you as someone who will do whatever she wishes, when she wishes it. With this kind of convenience, it's difficult not to take advantage of the situation at hand. While this perception of hers might be unfair, it is every bit your fault because this is how you conveyed yourself to her. By ignoring your own wishes and continually giving up ground, you will sell yourself short and may even begin to resent her for it. If this is the case, this must stop. You need to put your wishes and desires first. This sounds selfish and is to a certain degree. Selfishness tends to get a bad rap. But people tend to forget that there are varying degrees associated with selfishness. Selfishness, like anything else, is bad in large quantities. Selfishness is a prerequisite of selflessness. How can one truly respect someone else if they don't respect themselves? By putting your desires and wishes first, but not completely overshadowing hers, you will be in a better position to experience mutual respect. She will learn what you will and won't do and what you're willing to give. The inverse will be true as well. Moreover, by standing up for what you want, the "doormat" perception won't be a factor. Women are beautiful and very perceptive creatures. If you don't respect yourself, they can pick up on it immediately. Some will leave it at that. Some will take advantage of it. Either way, you won't make her list of potential lover. Another assumption: you are probably not making an active effort to meet new people and to seek relationships. If you are and you are still seeing negative results, your approach might be flawed. Despite what a very few on this board will have you believe, love tends to be a numbers game. It can be good for an individual to go out and date in order to see what's out there, learn exactly what they want, and put themselves in a position to find exactly what they deserve. If you are not actively pursuing this and a relationship is your goal, you might benefit from doing this. When you make your approach, be confident. Don't be a jerk. But go into the situation knowing who you are, what you want, and what you have to lose (which is absolutely nothing). You may very well be rejected. Many times, at that. But, if you are persistent, you will eventually find someone who will say yes. Then you will be able to pursue the situation and see if she is what you want in a woman. And she will be able to do the same. Smile. Be nice. Ask questions about her. Be confident. Be yourself. Get her number so the power is in your hands. See what happens. Above all, respect yourself. Because if you don't, you can't expect to respect her like she deserves. I'm very sorry if none of this applies. Good day and good luck.