SubtleGrace05

He broke NC this weekend and messaged me with a "good luck" text message. Whatever. I sent him an email expressly telling him that I wanted no contact and if he messaged, called or emailed I would not answer. He, of course, messaged again asking me for my address so he could "send my stuff back". Poke. Poke. Poke. Just trying to see if he can get some kind of response from me.

I probably shouldn't be posting here since starting now this is not about getting back together. It was, but now its about getting over him. We broke up and have been chatting off and on but never about the relationship. Recently he has been talking about getting together, and our talks were much more affectionate. He lives 200 miles away. I saw him Tuesday night and Wednesday afternoon, while I was in his town on business. Things went well. Ive been careful with any relationship talk because I didnt want to scare him off. I did make it clear to him that I wanted a committed relationship and asked him how he felt about that, and he said fine. But, today he was acting very aloof, so I flat out asked him what he wanted, and he told me that dating and seeing each other was fine, but he did not want a committed relationship with me. So, thats that. I am not going to waste my time with him, and I am not going to be able to get over him unless I start NC. I've read on this forum "NC is for me" and I never really got that until now. Wish me luck!

petalbud, Hang in there and dont go it alone. Do you have a counselor? I found that helped me immensely during my depression. If you cant find relief anywhere else, medication could help. It certainly did me. Also, movement helps fight depression, as does sunshine, maybe you could go outside and do your breathing? Make a gratitude list, things your grateful for. Read it everyday and try to find one more thing to add. Replay a really good experience over and over in your head. Make a list of 100 things you'd like to do, be or have. This is a hard one, but it helps! Big hugs, Grace

Well, Im sure you thought of this but I could suggest joining a club, or sport, something that would attract women your age. Hope this helps. hugs, Grace

The only person who has the answers to your questions is him. Simply ask him what he meant. Honesty is the best policy. Try to keep your statements to "I feel" for instance, "When you mentioned my birthday I felt _______." Maybe he isnt aware that he is messing with your mind. If he is aware, then he will know that you are aware.

It sounds to me like he is giving mixed messages. Maybe we will do this, maybe that... Then he is defensive if you question. Just my two cents.

You have been betrayed, one of the deepest emotional wounds anyone can endure. In these times of weakness, your irrational subconscious mind thinks, if we are back together then I can pretend nothing happened, which means the hurt didnt happen and I dont have to deal with it. But the ugly truth jumps right back and smacks you back to consciousness. Just remember that you are the injured party here. I will not use the word victim, because you dont need to get into the victim mentality. Treat yourself like you would anyone else who has been hurt. Dont rush, take time to heal, be good to yourself. Pretend that you have the flu and you are trying to get yourself well. Take vitamins, drink fluids, rest, watch a funny movie on tv, go for a walk, anything to get your mind off of it. Forgive yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and say "yes, I made a mistake but I forgive myself". Dont think about it again. If he calls, ignore it, or better yet, simply say "sorry, I made a mistake" and leave it at that. Hugs, Grace

Nataliejulie, Thanks for your input. My guy is very cautious, confirmed bachelor and we are much older than you and your sweetie. When things were new and intense and good he wanted a committed relationship with me, just not sure what he wants now, but, I will not be a FWB or string along. I try not to contact him alot, yet, I know he expects some and would be hurt if I didnt, so its a fine line. He is continuing to initiate contact with me, and that is nice. Im sure that makes you feel good to know he thinks about you that often. hugs, Grace

Update - well, I dont think my question caused any damage, he has been very attentive and affectionate. I really think seeing him is the best indicator, also, if he tries to make it physical, I can simply tell him Im not comfortable taking it to that level unless there is a relationship developing. I like the idea of canceling the meeting, but then again, it would be manipulation, so on an unconscious level he would sense that, and that would erase the trust Ive worked so hard to build. If I decide to change my mind, I will tell him that, that Ive changed my mind and why. This has been such a learning experience for me. He is the type who is very much always in control, of everything, and Im the type who always wants to know who, what, when, where and how...right now!!! I know that he will do exactly what he feels is right, and he will decide when to take it to the next level or not, so Im learning patience (ought to be a four letter word!). Thanks for the input, both of you. Grace

Background, broke up last April, spent all spring and summer getting close and pulling apart. I never wavered on wanting him back, and wanting a relationship with him. Once he told me that he couldnt give me what I wanted, and that he couldnt see it ever getting back to the way it was. Yet he still makes contact. Well, we are still talking, chatting, texting, making plans to see each other next week. I asked him today if he was comfortable with the way things are going, and he said yes, then asked me why I asked. I told him because I was still hoping we could put things back together. I asked him if he thought that was possible, and he said he hadn't really thought about it. I wasnt sure what to say at that point, so I said, well, you know how I feel and what I want, and he replied, yes he did. Then we went on to discuss other things. I dont want to push, as that was one of the things he disliked when we were together. My instinct is to wait until we are together next week and ask him then, if he thinks there is a chance. If he says no, then why waste anymore time with him? I guess my question is, how do you know when to take the next step, when to begin relationship talk? Ive tried so very hard to show him that I can be loving and patient, I dont want to screw up, yet I dont want to be strung along either. Im sure he needs time, but how will I know when times up? Thanks, Grace

I'd have to say that he was pushing buttons, and you jumped. Kudo's for standing up for yourself and confronting him with the "sounded like wait for my call" comment. Had it been me, I would not have responded to his "might go to the movies alone" comment with a "go with me" retort. Sounds manipulative. I would have just either asked him out, or let it slide until he decides he wants to ask you out. I think if an ex says "lets go out sometime, I will call you", they are testing you. Trust me, been there done that.

Hi, Im still in the stage of deciding whether or not to NC. Ive tried in the past, but always break down if he calls. Hang in there, Grace

My ex and I broke up last April. He was doing the non-committal thing and I was doing the clingy thing and it was ugly. Since then we've gotten close to getting back together again a couple of times only for one of us to pull away at the last minute. Each time it seems like the relationship becomes more and more casual. I know how much I love him, but I am not willing to be just a sex buddy for him. He tells me that he will always love me and that what we have is very special to him, and then he gives me the old "I cant give you what you need" bs, which is mainly a committment. Anyway, we've been talking again about seeing each other, but I just cant help but feel that I will just end up being used. He absolutely refuses to talk about his feelings with me, but he will talk about making plans. I dont want to push him away by issuing an ultimatim, yet at the same time I don't see the point in getting my feelings all wrapped up in him again only to be told "I cant give you what you need". Comments appreciated. Grace