innbranna

Go to the gym. Work out until you feel the taste of blood in your mouth. (Gives you a good, powerful feel, plus you will be surrounded by determined-looking people that aren't kissing.) Afterwards: Out with single friends, or home with a couple of action movies (there will be plenty to choose from, as everybody else has raided the romantic comedy section). Don't drink too much for fear of breaking down and calling the ex some time during the night.

If you can do without vocals, try Pat Metheny's new album. Entitled "The way up", and sounds like it too!

If somebody once meant the world to you, I don't think you can expect your feelings for that person to ever completely disappear. And if they do, I'm not at all sure it's necessarily a good thing. I'm not talking about abusive relationships or anything here, of course. I think "getting over" them means dealing with your life independently. Accept that it's finished, find your own direction and try to be honest and decent with people along the way. Seems to me like that's what Eva is doing, no?

Amen to that! My man would do the same thing – at the beginning he told me that he loved me, but wasn't looking for a girlfriend right now, as he had too many other things going on. Of course I would interpret that as "but maybe at some later point we will be together". Only now do I see that while I was staying close waiting for him to become available to me, he was in fact putting a lot of effort into keeping me at arm's length. But he would never tell me that! If he had just told me what he must have known almost from the beginning, that it would never be, then I wouldn't have been clinging to those false hopes all that time. I don't know why they won't tell us. Maybe it's some misguided feeling of not wanting to hurt us, maybe they just want to avoid the confrontation, maybe they want to wait in case something changes… And yeah, even now I'd probably take him if he would have me. So for my own health's sake I just have to hope that I'll never hear from him again, which I think is a safe bet, btw. A couple of days ago I found myself thinking of something I would like to do, a thing or two I'd like to accomplish out of pure interest, without wondering about how he'd possibly feel about it. First time since the NC period started. I think maybe it means there's a future out there somewhere.

I can relate on the stress issue. The past 18 months, which I've spent waiting for my more-than-friend-but-not-quite-boyfriend to make up his mind (which he did a month ago when he chose someone else) have been one long stress period. I mostly kept away from doctors, so the only message I got, was that my blood pressure was rising. I've been constantly alert, waiting, working up my expectancies, postponing them, hoping, despairing… I can easily go for days almost without eating, and sometimes I was so tense I had to rock myself to sleep in bed because I couldn't lay still. Funny thing is, now that I know I've lost him, most of the stress is gone. I think it comes from my life being in a way much less messy now. I lost my job at the same time as I lost the man – I knew it was coming, and so I have attributed a lot of the stress to my working situation. Now I know that's not it. I also know that compared to other things, steady work is of no importance. I will get by, one way or the other. Also: Now that I know that nothing I do will bring him back, I feel sort of relieved. All of a sudden I don't feel like he's right beside me anymore. He's not interested in me, and so I don't have to take him into consideration. I make my decisions just for myself and not for the two of us, and it's so much easier. Not having to think "but what if", or wondering how he'll feel about me if I do this or that all the time makes the world a much less complicated place to be. Don't know if this made much sense. My point is, it's the trying to make them love us that's stress provoking. Not having to think about whether they love us is infinitely sad, but at the same time I find that I breathe with my stomach for the first time in eighteen months. Best of luck to you, waiting.

Jethro Tull's "Nothing is easy" (from the Stand Up album) always manages to get me back on my feet. Nothing is easy. Though time gets you worrying My friend, it’s o.k. Just take your life easy And stop all that hurrying, Be happy my way. When tension starts mounting And you’ve lost count Of the pennies you’ve missed, Just try hard and see why they’re not worrying me, They’re last on my list. Nothing’s easy. Nothing is easy, you’ll find Another squeeze won’t turn out so bad. Your fingers may freeze, worse things happen at sea, There’s good times to be had. So if you’re alone and you’re down to the bone, Just give us a play. You’ll smile in a while and discover That I’ll get you happy my way -- Nothing’s easy.

It's not just you. I often marvel that people put so much effort into relationships that they know are bad for them, just in order to avoid change, or to avoid the pain that inevitably comes with putting an end to them. It goes for all kinds of situations, really. I'm like that myself. I'd choose the slow, everlasting torment over the sharp shock of pain any time. I can't really decide whether this endurance is a good thing or not. Somehow it seems to be built into our systems that we keep fighting for what we (think we) have, rather than being forced to jump into the unknown. But once we're there, in the unknown, we get to know it - and we wouldn't really want to go back. Keep going. That's all I can say

It's all too easy to go spiralling downwards in situations like these. I feel everybody around me - friends who have all those things I want for myself, movies, books, magazines - tells me that I'm entitled to the happy ending. That if my love is just strong enough, it will prevail, and he will finally see that, and come back to me. It's hard to face the fact that we can't really expect anything from life, that there's no such thing as justice or fair dealing, that we have no "rights", that we can be the best people and still lose everything. And in the end, the only thing we can control, is how we deal with the loss. I'm sorry, not much optimism from me, I'm afraid. It just pisses me off how people always tell you that you're such a wonderful person, and you're bound to find someone who will appreciate that. Of course, it may happen, but it may just as well not happen. And do I even want it to happen, when the only one I want right now, is him? I think the only way is to accept that this is how we're feeling, and focus on the practical stuff, the day-to-day activities that we have to take care of, because the alternative would be to roll over and die, and that's not really an option.

I don't think you can ever really get closure from the other party. If you ask her the questions and she doesn't care about you, she will just tell you the first thing that comes into her mind. If she does care, she will try to tell you what she thinks you want to hear. But, unless we're talking about a veeery special person here, you won't get the truth. It's not a good feeling to face the future with a lot of loose ends dangling all over the place, but that's how it is. I'd stick to NC. Eventually you won't really need that closure anymore.

When I'm in this situation, I always try to see the thing from the outside. I know that what I long for the most is his love. Well, I won't get that. Then what's most important? To at least earn his respect and/or admiration. I often find that I'm thinking of myself as a book character, and I want to be the enigmatic but generous character that everybody admires. It sounds sligtly stupid and unrealistic, but in this kind of situation I'm filled with huge emotions, and I need to create a story for myself that's grand enough to fit those emotions. I feel that by detaching myself from him, not nagging him by my presense and begging for love that he can't give, I'm also honouring the love I feel for him. Then, later on, when it's all over, I can take rest in the fact that I have nothing to regret. That's a very good feeling.

I know you can get there, Nap. It takes some readjusting of the mind, and it also took me a good, long NC period, which I would use to spend time with other friends and do things of my own, develop interests that were only mine and had nothing to do with him. Occasionally he would contact me and invite me to parties and stuff, and I had to remind myself that he's just being friendly and treating me the same way as he would any other friend. Eventually I came to the point where I realized that it was silly of me to keep him out of my life when he had so much to offer - like, he's the BEST to go hiking or rock climbing with - and I should just take what he offered me and not expect more (which, at this point, I didn't even want).

I don't think there is any real difference between the sexes here. I think it's a common human thing that we tend to project our own feelings onto others. When we feel a certain way about someone (be it love or indifference) we can't really believe that they feel differently about us. What she's probably (subconsciously) thinking, is something like "I feel only friendly towards him, so I expect he feels the same". We are never truly capable of putting ourselves in other people's shoes, even the people we know the best. That being given, I think you shouldn't take her into consideration here. You need space? You make your space. I was once deeply in love with my (at the time) best friend, and he rejected me. I thought I would never speak to him again, which in reality meant loosing a lot of other friends as well, because we belonged to the same crowd. After a long time, when I didn't feel the same way about him anymore, we gradually became friends again, but it was never the same as before. I don't read as much into the friendship now. I know we get on well together, but I also know he can't be counted upon to be there for me no matter what. Only I can do that.

This asymmetry stuff is one of the things I'd really like to get rid of if I ever got a chance to redesign Man. It's so sad that it has to be this power imbalance – that the one who loves less is the one in power. If we knew our own good, it would make sense for us to love the person who loves us, right? While in reality, the more you put your love on display, the more you turn the other person off. Of course you might say that if this happens, then it's because the relationship was never meant to be anyway. But I'm not so sure. I think hazard and timing has more to do with it than we like to think about, and the asymmetry is just one of many malfunctions in relationships between people, and it's there for no good reason.

Thanks. It does answer my question, I was wondering how the two experiences differ, as I see they are so often compared. I don't think one could say that one is easier than the other - when you're in the middle of it, your own crisis is always worse than everyone else's - and most of us don't get to live through both this early in life. But I had a feeling it was not quite fair to compare them, and I think you confirmed that for me. I hadn't really thought about the guilt part. That must be pretty heavy. Anyway, to pick up on the initial topic - I'm implementing your advice as best I can. Still nothing solid, but I try to keep something to drink nearby at all times. Helps me to drink more regularly, and not get so dizzy by the end of the day. Thanks to you all!

RayKay, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how it must have been. Actually, I came accross this site as I was looking for some info about the difference in grief process when someone dies, as opposed to when someone dumps you. People often say that the end of a relationship is just as hard as having someone you love, die. But I feel there must be differences. I have a feeling that when your loved one dies, you a) immediately have to face the fact that they're not coming back, which is good b) can take some comfort in the fact that your love was real, and you can always remember the good times, and c) get a time out for mourning from society. Whereas when someone dumps you, you can easily add a lot of confusion to your grief by hoping that they will come back, even if you know deep down they won't. Also, you suddenly have to question if there ever was any real feeling there at all. Did he ever care, or was it just in my mind? You suddenly find yourself having to completely erase the person from your life, not only the present and future, but also the past. And I think it's more difficult to go out there and tell people "I'm in mourning, please be gentle with me". Many people will try to tell you that you're better off without them. At least I feel that way, as we never had a "real" relationship, it was only me loving him and hoping for one, and him knowing it (although there was a short period of intimacy at one point). He never made any promises, and so I feel I'm not really entitled to my grief. I just have to go out there and pretend that nothing has happened. Do any of you have opinions on this?

Thanks! It's very awkward not to want food, when you know you need it as much as ever! I bought a book about smoothies the other day, I just have to start using it... I've never tried the protein stuff before, but I guess this is the time when it really comes in handy... I guess part of the problem is that when you can't bear the thought of eating, you never get around to making yourself anything. I'm pretty sure that if someone made me something and put it in front of me, I would eat at least some of it - but I can't find the inspiration to start making food when I'm not sure I will get it down. Studygirl, I'm glad to hear you didn't kill yourself in the process! Makes me worry a bit less, somehow. Good luck to you all!

Hi, everyone. I got sort of dumped a week ago and have been browsing this forum since then. It has helped me a lot to see that there are many of you feeling the same pain as I do, and I have to say that most cases I've read about are probably worse than mine, although I can't really feel that at the moment. I expect at some point the pain will cease – it has before, and will do so again. What I'm very concerned about right now, though, is the eating thing. You know, you just have this hard, aching knot in your belly and it's impossible to eat. Nothing gets past your throat. I know from past experience that I'm well capable of going weeks on end like this, but I don't think that would be a good idea – mostly because I'm working as a spinning instructor some hours a week, and need to stay fit. I don't want to pass out during class, and I don't want to stop working out either, as I need the distraction and the endorphins badly. However I don't get an appetite from exercising. Any of you been developing some functional strategies as to what it's possible for you to eat, and when? Right now I can only manage things that don't taste anything, have no nutrition value whatsoever and are easy to chew, like wheat buns, and only a bite or two at a time. On a good day something fresh, like some grapes or an orange. Drinking is equally impossible – only tiny mouthfuls at a time. Any ideas?