guapa

Hey, So I've been posting lately. I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday morning. And we've been emailing, I explained how I felt about his actions and he's explained his actions and apologized. Some of you may be familiar with this whole episode. I feel partly inclined to post his email (without any names of course) but I don't know if I should, but just to see what do people think, if I'm a sucker if I give him another chance. I told him, though, that I'm not moving in and I want space from him for at least a week. I dunno... Those of you who are familiar with the situation, maybe could give some input, but he is winning me over to his side and I want to make the right decision...

Thank you... He wrote me this super long email this morning talking about how much he loves me. And I wrote him a long email detailing all of the ways he has been unsupportive and mean. It's so true. I do need to heal. And that's why I couldn't be with him anymore. Even when he apologized, I couldn't trust him and still felt upset about everything. It really is very sad, I know that inside he is a confused person who now feels lots of pain. But it's good for him... maybe he will learn something, and I am learning something too!!

let me know how it goes!!!

Yes, sometimes really saying how you really feel helps the anger go away. I think that is why I felt better, cause I really told him exactly how I felt, practically shouted it and I really feel quite proud of myself for standing up for myself and it just makes me feel so good. So stand Up for yourself girl and the hate will melt away and transform to a feeling of self-respect!!!

Hey Reflectionlessmirror, Hate is only going to let him have even more control over you... You already know about my story and I don't hate my ex, but I just see how sad their own situation is and how filled with pain their own situation is. They are unable to be in touch with those feelings of hurt like you and I are, so they can not heal, just keep calling and trying to control us and hoping to get a foot in the door to do some more damage. Well... they probably don't see it that way. I am thinking of writing my ex a letter, but take a week or so to do it, carefully worded, thought out and constructed to really tell him the kind of messed up things he's done. Even if it takes me longer, that's fine too. He may not listen to me, but then I get it all out of my system and then the ball is really in his court to work on himself and reflect. He may not right away, but as time goes on and I do not talk to him he will start to wonder why and what went wrong and he will have that letter to reflect on. You may want to think about doing something similar Reflectionlessmirror, or even just writing the letter and not sending it, just burning it. Get out those feelings of hurt and anger and you will heal.... Much love and peace to you!

hey misery12, i've already broken up with him. i mean, this has been going on for a long while and he doesn't admit he has issues. he thinks that i just exaggerate things. it's so weird, he calls me every day to hang out and says he loves me, etc., etc. but then when we hang out he never treats me like he loves me. does one go by the words or the actions? I say the actions! After all, it IS the small things that count as well as the big things. The small things is how you show respect and love... probably we aren't going to talk anymore. if he does contact me later, like after i have some time for myself, then i will talk to him as a friend. after all, i do love him as a person and do want him to get better, but i will only talk to him if he recognizes he has a problem for real.

Hey... check out my post... entitled "not moving in, now what?" everything solved and feeling soooooooooooo much happier!

Yeah. I definitely won't talk to him I have no illusions about the relationship. The relationship was very very hard since the beginning and he has so many things to work through and will only work through them if he makes some serious realizations. I know that I have things to work on, but I always had so much love for him. I know how love so often borders hate and I never felt any hate for him ever, just hurt. And so even if I made mistakes, I never felt hatred, never tried to purposefully hurt him as he has me. So, if some day he writes me or calls me to say he realizes what he has done is wrong, I might be friends with him.... But for some reason I really doubt that is going to happen.

He keeps calling and leaving hella long messages that are 5 minutes long saying that I exagerrate things and this and that and how I have all these issues and blah blah blah. I just let him knock on the door til he got tired of it. My housemate is now home and so it's cool But he got all mad about me saying I'd call the cops and said how I like to take things to the extreme and demonize him and all this. So, I'm not answering the phone or talking to him or emailing him. Now begins the NC. Thank you all so much for all your support and even the people who've answered me before for telling me to break up with him. If I didn't have that support I might have believed what he said to me and thought it was normal for someone to talk to me that way. I will miss the parts of him that were good, it's going to be hard... But in the long run this is soooo good for me!

he called me saying that i demonize him and all this and all he wants is his shirt back. why can't he just wait? is it just me or does it seem exagerrated that he knocks on my door for ten minutes for his shirt?

i told him that. and he said i've stolen his property and he wants it back now. and i said i'd called the cops if he didn't leave my doorstep. i called the police but then it said if it's an emergency press 1 and i didn't want to say that. so i hung up and he left my doorstep he keeps freaking calling me. i wish i wasn't alone.

he called me again and now he is knocking on my door. he yelled through the door he wants his shirt back, which he lent me. i left him a message on his phone while he was knocking that i'd give it back and put it in his mailbox. he went home and now he is knocking on my door again. it makes me so nervous. i feel sick to my stomach and kind of scared, but i'm sure he won't do anything. he can't my door is secure.

so, it was just as i expected. i said that i want to break up because he talks down to me and is controlling... he started saying that i'm playing the victim. that i exagerrate. that he was just saying how he feels. and then i started bringing up why is it that other people support me but he doesn't and supposedly he "loves me". i said this in an exaggerated way. i said that there are qualities about me that Other people like. And he said he doesn't care about other people. that he doesn't support anything about me because there isn't anything to support. and i said "and that's love? that's not love. you don't love me. you love having someone to trample on. you love having a booty call next door" and he started talking about how he loves me as a person, as he loves anyone else. and i said that he loves himself. and he started talking about how he is going to print out the emails i sent him and show it to people, the emails when i said i was sad and depressed. i said, yeah, i was depressed because of YOU, because you broke down my self-esteem, that i was feeling like i did when i was breaking up with my ex-boyfriend because he Also was messed up to me. and he started talking about how i'm dependent on him. he started talking about my housemate mentioned him and cassandra physically fight (as though this makes the way he treats me better), but they don't, he was using hand gestures when he talked about fighting but he was saying verbal fights. and i said that my housemate was talking to him about that for a reason, he was trying to tell him that women are strong. and then my ex said that i'm not strong. and i said i AM strong. just because you believe that i'm not does not make it true. and i said i'm not going to be with someone who thinks that i'm less than who i am. i repeated myself. and then he hung up on me. he came over and knocked on the door but i did not answer it. and then he called me twice, one time leaving a message saying that i should talk to him to his face and then the other time trying to emotionally deconstruct me by saying that he should have broke up with me a long time ago and that he drags things on and that i'm insecure and get jealous (i only did once, whereas he's been jealous many, many times), and that i'm controlling and manipulative and have issues. i got upset, i couldn't help it. i was so angry with him for having treated me so badly and so hurt by it and i already knew he was going to deny everything and not listen to anything that i say....

o.k. thank you very much for the advice and reassurance... i will let him know that. i will let you know how it goes... it's going to be hard and i'm fairly sure he is going to get mad and tell me that i have to pay for the rent next month. i just feel bad for his housemate. there is no way i can pay rent for two places at one time. and the thing is he bought all this equipment for his studio thinking i was going to pay for part of the rent. so he is going to be really mad...

yeah- it is confusing, sort of because i'm confused i guess. i think that emotionally i've already broken up with him, because i just don't trust his intentions anymore, i practically feel like he is totally crazy or something. like he has some sort of mental illness or something. i know he had a really messed up childhood with no father and a suicidal mother and things. it seems like he's got serious issues. but my housemate told me i should just not talk to him at all "congehelas" (spanish for freezing it). but i haven't actually officially broken up with him or anything. so that's part of my question. do i have some last conversation with him? especially since i called him last night to say we can talk... or do i just write him an email or handwrite a letter and put it in his mailbox (he lives next door to me). i'm not trying to hurt him or to cause him more pain than is necessary. but talking to him is so hard because he denies things and lives in this other planet where talking to me like that is totally o.k.

Hey- I'm having a really hard time right now. I've posted on here several times about how my boyfriend was emotionally abusive. I was told not to move in with him, but he convinced me otherwise and it didn't seem like he was fooling around with me or anything... But in my heart it didn't feel right... at this point, it's really hard because I don't trust him anymore, I don't trust his intentions and what he says. I feel like anything he does is done to make me feel smaller and to dominate and control me. Partly it's what he says, but also the tone of voice he uses. I was supposed to move in with him up til the night before last night. I was watching a bit of the movie the other night while he was talking to you, the parts we'd already seen, and then he came in a said "what? you're already watching it?" (afterall, at least ten minutes had passed of me just waiting for him) i said "yeah, the parts we've already seen" and he said "well, i don't remember that part. stop it." and i said "well, we already saw this part." and he said "well, what part don't you understand? I said I don't remember it". I said, o.k., o.k.... and turned it off and then as he was walking passed my crossed legs he was like "why don't you move your legs for me? you're so inconsiderate." I could understand if he just asked me to move my legs, but why make it seem that I was doing it purposefully to bother him? he repeated himself a couple of times after I already had moved my legs. i just didn't say anything at all. and so time goes on and he still doesn't play the movie, and that's o.k. we're talking but then he started commenting in this snotty tone of voice on how I speak, saying something about how I speak so slowly like i was deformed. and I said "let's just watch the movie" and he said "you're free, you can do whatever you want" and so then i said "o.k., i'm going home then" and then he mocked the way I laughed nervously as I looked back at him. And then he called me three times and finally leave me a message tell me he loves me!! he called a few times yesterday and left me a long message saying how i frustrate him and how he just tries to be my friend and say things that are meaningful. (but he's also said that about how he's put me down before, saying that it was because i frustrate him). i replied with a one-liner saying "i'm not moving in" and nothing else. but at the end of the day yesterday i started feeling bad and called him (he was already asleep) saying that if he wanted we could talk. i already found an apartment and i'm committed to NOT moving in with him. but now the real question is, what do i do now? what should i say to him on the phone? he doesn't understand how what he does is messed up... should i even say anything to him on the phone? i'm so sad, cause i love him, but i hate the way he talks to me like that and i just don't think he is going to stop because he doesn't think that theres anything wrong with it. i feel like i'm going to be lonely and i know he will be too.

Hey- You didn't answer my question... How do YOU think that things would get better. You're really the only one here that has the best answer to that question, you just have to look inside to find it... Do you think seeing her or talking to her is helpful given the situation? What do you think talking to her accomplishes?

Hey there, I agree with these other posters. It's hard sometimes to tell where love comes from and if it is real love or if it's coming from a lack of satisfaction in the current relationship and the latching on to another one, perhaps even for security.... I think if you are not in love though, you should separate from your husband and move out and then just see how you feel. Perhaps this space will make you realize how much you do love him or maybe it will give you the space to realize you shouldn't be with him. Either way, you need time to figure out what is right for you, without letting the feelings for your friend cloud your judgment too much, til you can figure out if those feelings are real and to give yourself time to really be sure you're over your husband. Of course, for me this is ideal but I know that life has it's own way of unwinding.

Hey there, It's rough. How long did you go out with her. When my ex and I broke up it took me much more than 6 months to feel better about it. I had all these hopes we'd get back together. I made out with a few people which kind of helped and it wasn't until I started dating my current boyfriend that I was forced to really move on (as my bf was pretty tired of hearing about my ex!) And it's o.k. now. But those 6 months were fraught with sorrow and semi-suicidal thoughts and hope about getting with him in the future even though he had a girlfriend. Partly it was because I knew he still loved me as a person that made it really painful, in a way somewhat similar to your situation, though it seems like she isn't being super kind. She may see this as a necessary thing to do so that you will not keep feeling things about her in that way. I know it's hard, but keep your chin up. Give it some time. Maybe date some other people casually, their attention will probably help a bit. Do some things you enjoy. What do YOU think will help you feel better?

Hi all, I posted about a week ago about how my boyfriend was speaking to me in an abusive way. link removed We got back together with his persuasion and I have been apprehensive about it. He really wants me to move in with him and I said o.k. But I've been feeling so doubtful because that wasn't the only time he got mad and said mean things to me, though that was by far the worst time. I've been working for days (at least 13 to 16 hours a day) and came over late last night after work to relax for just an hour with him after not seeing him for a few days (he lives next door so we usually hang out every day). About half the time he spent laughing with his housemate and then read some of his songs to me (he raps) and then said he was going to watch t.v. with his housemate, so I went home. I felt bummed cause he didn't even ask me about my week and I hadn't seen him all week and it was almost like (it felt like) he just didn't want to know about it. So, I went home and emailed him saying that I felt apprehensive about moving in. I'd been feeling doubtful anyways. I wrote him a long email. He wrote me back saying that he knew what he did was wrong and that he'd promised he would never do it again and he knew that it was hard to believe without experience but that he was committed to it. And that he wanted us to live together so we could have lots of fun together this summer and get closer. The thing is, that I feel like all his anger towards me has spoiled it for me. Part of me feels like letting him go, while part of me feels anxious and wants to call him. I wrote him back saying it didn't seem like he has much of an interest in what is going on with me and how I'm doing and he hasn't responded (though he knows that I don't get back from work til about right now or even a bit later).... I don't know, part of me knows I'm being extra sensitive because of what happened, but part of me also just really wants some attention from him to prove he won't do it again. Like I want him to tell me how much he loves me and wants me. And while he says he loves me, I'm not convinced its much love. It isn't like before when we first went out. ;( I don't know. I feel bad. I want to call him, but part of me wants to break up and move on. Part of me loves him so much and part of me is so dissappointed by his behavior and scared of being trapped in a relationship that is bad for me. Help!

Good for you... I'm personally kind of nervous, cause I'm moving in with someone now that has been verbally abusive when he gets really mad. It's hard for me to say no, especially now that I'm supposed to move in in two weeks and if I decide not to he'd be really mad. Not to hijack your post, but I'm happy for you. Stick it out. You're doing better than me.

I had an experience kind of like that, though both of us had just ended relationships and were still communicating in some way with our exes. talk about messed up. But what I learned from it was that he just hung out with me because he liked the idea of someone liking him. I think he also knew that was the case, because when I said that via email, he never addressed that but agreed we would not hang out anymore. He kept playing with me, wanting to hang out, and then after we slept together (mostly) he said he decided he wasn't ready for a relationship. (messed up). So, anyhow, being in the situation he is in is probably confusing, but it doesn't seem good for you to have to deal with it, you know? I know you may want to be supportive or something and want to hang out waiting for him to come around, but I think you should move on, let him heal and then maybe he'll call you. You might want to tell him NC for a month or two and tell him it is so that you don't have to keep hoping. I'm not sure, really, but I was glad when I ended contact with that other guy. It just kept hurting to hang out with him or email him.

It really sounds to me like he is doing this to hurt you or to see if it will.

Hey Mr. Meh, You're comment about not provoking him made me smile. I really can see how easy it would be for me to do that subconsciously... I do trust him, but I don't at the same time. So I'm not moving in with him and I think this shows him that I take what happened seriously and won't put up with it. While I am giving him a second chance, I won't live next door to him anymore and I won't be as "convenient" for him. You're also right that he didn't shine any sunshine up my butt and that's part of the reason I took him back. He had considered his actions pretty seriously and did not blame me for his actions. I'm glad I'm not moving in, it is my way of showing some respect for myself and keeping my freedom. You're so right on Mr. Meh. But I'm quite sure I won't have to worry about losing my teeth or anything like that, it's an obvious overreaction.

hey iceman- i know that he said that out of anger, but i know for a fact that he didn't mean it like the way it sounds. it was his way of saying "i'm angry". i'm not making excuses for him or lying to myself. i know deep in my heart he would never hurt me physically. he has never even slammed a door in an argument and takes physical abuse very, very, very seriously. He admitted it was wrong for what he said, but also said that he didn't mean it. for the first time, he really admitted that his behavior was controlling. before, i never had the guts to confront him and say that directly. but he listened to me and i know that he understood me. i don't know... i'm a sucker i guess, but i believe him.