lost_puppy

Haha, I like that Yeah it sucks to find out about your ex moving on. Although even without any concrete facts, imaginations can run wild, especially when all you do is think about her/him Another person on this forum said something like (and I'm seriously paraphrasing), everyone moves on and heals in their own time. Just because your ex is able to move on quicker than you doesn't mean anything. Take your time and heal, and eventually all will be well and you'll be ready to move on too. It might have been in the same post that it was discussed how the dumper usually moves on faster because they've been thinking about the breakup and preparing themselves mentally and emotionally for months... But I digress. I had a dream last night where I called my ex, and left a message, but immediately regretted breaking NC. I hope that doesn't happen to me in real life. I miss her horribly, but I know I must stick to NC and I know that I will eventually heal. Thanks again to everyone on this board. You guys make life a little more bearable

I think people are different in the respect. I've seen a lot of people on this forum say that finding out their ex has moved on has just destroyed them. I'm definitely in that crowd; I know because I found out about my last ex's new bf and I was pretty much incoherent for the next month. So I'm with lioness. But more power to you if you can deal with that information, and if it helps you move on and heal quicker, then I say do whatever it takes to heal. Thanks for all the advice.

I saw this a while ago, but didn't find it recently when I needed to re-read it. Thanks for bumping it to the top again, and it's in my sig now so I'll never lose it! LP

I understand. And it's definitely much better to go out and socialize than to stay at home and mope. So do it! Personally, I'm always kind of paranoid about bumping into my ex so I do things to avoid it, but that's not all too healthy either.

Silencer, what NC means to me is to completely cut that person out of your life. Unfortunately, sometimes this involves losing contact with other people who you care about (in my last breakup, I didn't communicate with 2 cousins and my aunt and uncle for a year and a half!) Hopefully, once the dust has settled and you and your ex are healed, you'll be able to renew all the friendships you've had to put on hold. Also, I'm sure if you hang out with "C", it'll remind you of your ex, which is not ideal if you're trying to put her out of your mind and move on. My two cents (pence?) LP

My first relationship (I've only had 2 in my life, each one lasted 2.5 years) was really tough to get over. This one is so far feeling easier. So I understand what you're going through, definitely keep yourself distracted, hang out a lot with friends, and all that. Keep posting if you need support. Like everything else, it takes time. LP

Yeah don't bother trying to find out the "real" reasons. Either she won't know, won't be able to put it into words, or she'll lie (or bend the truth). Not worth it. My ex actually offered me a list of reasons, which I took, but then afterwards I was talking to my cousin and she said that most of the reasons were probably "justification" reasons ... like, to convince me that she actually thought the thing out and it wasn't just a rash decision to dump me. It's easy to come up with a list after the fact. May or may not be the actual reasons though. So, basically, just move on with your life. Doesn't sound like you're having any serious emotional problems with the breakup, so let it be. LP

Please, for your own sake, initiate NC. You really don't need to hear any more about her at this point. It's like you were just beginning to heal, then you were set back a few months by a single phone call! I feel that happen to me, too, though not that bad ... If I see her walking by (or even imagine that I see her), or back when she would text or call me occasionally, I'd feel like I'd taken a few steps backwards in my road to emotional recovery. That's why I told her that we should be totally NC for a while. I think that'll benefit you as well. Good luck, LP

Writing about your feelings is definitely therapeutic, that's why it's great that this board exists. It really sucks to see your ex in another relationship while you're still trying to heal. (One of my previous exes actually dumped me for anohter guy.) Maybe no contact at all will work better for you than minimal contact? Worth a try. At least that way you won't have to hear about the other guy. Also, I don't think you need to force yourself to feel happy for her, you have the right to feel how you feel, whether that's anger, resentment, pain, etc. Just know that in time the feelings will get less and less, and eventually you'll feel genuinely happy for her. Sounds like you learned something about relationships, that's what life is all about, learning from your experiences. You're a better man for it.

I agree with Oatmeal. It sounds like you're trying a lot harder than him; he doesn't seem to want it, at least not right now. I'd stick with NC, if only so that you can start to think straight about the whole relationship. Believe me, a few weeks of NC can really help give you perspective on the whole issue! You might realize that the relationship was never meant to be and wonder why you were so adamant about persuing it! Stay strong. LP

Thanks for your encouragement! I'd ask you for their numbers, but based on what I've heard on this board about rebound relationships (and given my tendency to mourn for a long time) I think I'll take it slooow for a while...

Well, that's a good idea, but I'd really prefer not to. I own the apartment and I want to hold onto it for as long as possible since prices are going up steadily. If it gets too difficult ... well, I'll deal with it then. Thanks for the advice, though! LP

Here's my original thread, if you want to know the details of my breakup and aftermath... link removed (Quick summary: we were together for 2.5 years, she suddenly decided I'm not right for her, dumped me about 3 weeks ago, and immediately moved all her stuff out. She's tried to call/text me since then, but I've been trying to keep NC.) So I decided to leave her a little note saying that we shouldn't contact each other for a while because that's the best way for me to heal. She lives in my building, so I just walked down there and taped it to her door. This was last Friday night (the 24th). The next day I had a gig in DC, so I was out of town till Sunday night. When I came back home and walked by her door, the note was still there. In fact, it was still there last night (Monday) and only this morning when I was walking out of the building was the note gone. Of course, my mind came up with all the unpalatable reasons why she wasn't at home all weekend .... won't bother repeating them here .... bottom line is, it's gonna be tough since we're in the same building. I really need to stick to NC, but I keep thinking about her, what she's doing, and every day I pass her door! Yeah, I can take the other stairwell, but every time I pass the 2nd floor I'll think about her.

Together for 2.5 years. It's just been 3 weeks, so it still hurts a lot.

Clarabelle, thanks for that insight! Yes, I totally romanticized the notion of 2 artists mutually supporting each other. And I guess in this case (and in yours) it didn't work. I know it does work in some cases (my keyboard player is married to a vocalist he works with a lot, AND runs a recording business with), but I guess it takes a special attitude from both people for it to work. However, it certainly was nice to be able to talk to her on an artistic level and have her understand certain things without me having to explain... Another update: she keeps coming up with excuses to contact me (voice mails, text messages) and even though I feel like I'm being rude to her by not responding to her, I gotta keep NC going. Or maybe I should tell her that I need NC for a while to recover and that I'll contact her when I'm ready? LP

No prob, Oatmeal, thanks for your advice. Actually I was going to apologize for this thread becoming like my personal blog! Here's a new update: She finally did stick that "list" under my door last night. Without going into the details (14 reasons), most of them were reasons that I've heard before (topping the list was, of course, scheduling conflicts), but there were a couple of surprises, either things she never mentioned or things that I really thought we had already worked out months or years ago and were not issues anymore. Anyways, seeing the list convinced me that she's moved on with her life, so I should feel good about reinitiating NC until I've healed. So that's what I think I'll do, starting now. *sigh* [gets ready to buckle down for the long haul...]

Update (if anyone cares): Ok, so yesterday I broke my NC to ask my ex for the "list of reasons she broke up with me" (asked her to slip it under my door). But then last night she texted me back saying "you've heard every reason. those reasons i just wrote out to remind myself not to call you." (Whatever that means.) But THEN, she called my cell. I didn't answer, and her voice mail said something like "I'm glad you didn't answer, we probably shouldn't talk, but if you want to talk you can call me." (Oh, and she never gave me that "list".) So what do I do now?? I feel like texting her again and saying, if you want to get back together, I'll call you, otherwise LEAVE ME ALONE! I mean, I don't want to talk to her under false hope that she wants to get back together, when in reality she's just having a little bout of depression and wants to talk, but has no intention of getting back together. The latter would just make me feel worse (I want to reinstate NC, since it's better for my healing process. But I think for her it's the opposite, she likes to talk things out, and keep in regular touch with her ex, at least based on her dealings with her other exes.) Anyways, any advice would be appreciated Thanks for reading, LP

Ok, never mind with the advice ... I talked to my sister and she said I should definitely get that list of reasons my ex dumped me. So since she and Oatmeal recommended it, I just texted her and asked her to slip the list under my door. Now I'm totally NOT looking forward to getting home and seeing the list ....

Sounds like you're dealing with it very maturely, although no matter how rational your brain is, you can't control your feelings. Sounds like you understand that the relationship has to end, so let it end and take some time to heal (yes, time does heal all, please be patient!! ). For many people, No Contact works really well to heal. If you don't feel the need to talk to him, then turn off the IM for a while and let your emotions settle. Then you'll be in a lot better position to start talking to him again. Sounds like you're really good friends, so hopefully after a little time apart you can renew that friendship. Last words ... nothing he told you was a lie! I'm sure he meant everything he said, and that he still has strong feelings for you, but realizes that this relationship is not what he wants. It's difficult, but I think you should let him go, heal, and come back after a while with a fresh perspective... Good luck! LP

Ok ... ummm ... I get your point ... but still a bit scared to break NC. Can I get a few more opinions maybe? Should I 1. Ask her for "the list" (probably text her and have her slip it under my door) ... then risk depression and other emotional setbacks, but possibly be able to call her later and say, hey listen we can work out most of these points, and maybe just maybe get her back (but maybe not, if she's already made up her mind as I think she has)? 2. Keep NC, don't get the list, assume that she'll never come back to me (not right now anyways), keep healing, and don't risk acting the desperate, please-take-me-back ex? Opinions, please! (Keep in mind she just dumped me 2 weeks ago and I'm still emotionally unstable...) Thanks, LP

Well, I do want to get back together with her, in an ideal world, but what I read from her words & actions was that she had no desire to. So that's why I'm trying to deal with that fact by NC. I already tried once (the day she dumped me) to ask her what I could do to get her back, and that failed miserably, so I don't really want to try again (don't want to be the clingy, needy, please-take-me-back ex...) But whether or not there's any possiblility of getting her back, I can see the value in having that list of reasons she broke up with me. Do you really think that maybe she wants me back?

Hmmm, I'll have to think about that. For one thing, NC is slowly helping pull me out of my depression, and also, I'm afraid that just seeing the list will set me back. But I can definitely see where you're coming from, I guess it'd help for future relationships (though everyone's different, reasons that are important to one may not even matter to another...) So I don't know. I'm kinda scared. Are there any other opinions out there? Thanks, LP

Thanks, Hubman. Though in my present state of mind, I'm doubting whether anyone can "deal" with my present lifestyle. Although the eventual goal is to be able to survive without a day job, that hasn't been the case in the 2.5 years I was dating my ex. I guess my focus now will be to work on my music so that I actually can quit the day job and have time during the day to devote to nurturing a relationship. Easier said than done

Well, what I gathered from our week's worth of talks (which was really only a couple of hours at most) was that the schedule was the main reason. There were also a few other reasons, she mentioned that the fact that I was content with the way the relationship was and didn't want to change it until she brought it up, and there was a long-term issue of settling down (she wanted to move back to California, I am content in NYC), but I don't think that was a major factor. The weird thing is, after she broke up with me, she wrote me a note and taped it to my door saying that she wrote out a list of reasons she left me, if I wanted to see it. But by that time I'd initiated NC, so I didn't respond to her. Oh, and she's living in her own apartment, 2 floors down, right now. Don't know if there's anyone else there with her I don't think she wanted me to give up music. In fact, I think that's why she left me instead of suggesting that I give up music, because she knows how important it is to me. She's a dancer/actress, so she also understands what it's like to be in love with one's art (and which is why I thought she'd be more respectful of my need to play).

First of all, I've been browsing this forum for a few days before registering, so I'd like to thank all the eNotAlone posters who answered other people's threads. You've helped me without even knowing it! Reading about other people in the same situation as me really helps me feel that I'm "not alone" and if others can get through this, so can I! Now for my situation (read on only if you're curious ). I was dating this wonderful woman for 2.5 years. We were getting along truly marvelously and had so much in common. We moved into the same apartment building 1.5 years ago after having lived together for a few months before that (yes, we moved in together pretty soon...). So basically we've been living together for 2 years (she spent most of the time in my apartment). Oh, she's 8 years younger than me, if that makes any difference... A couple of weeks ago she suddenly started talking about how I was the wrong man for her. She had a couple of very good reasons, mostly conflicting schedules (I'm a musician with a day job, so I'm always tied up from 9-5, then I practice and/or gig till pretty late at night ... she wants more of a "traditional" lifestyle with dinner at 7pm, quiet fireside chats after that, and in bed before midnight). There were a bunch of other reasons, too, and it sounded like she had been thinking about this for a while. I offered to do the best I could to compromise, alter my schedule, try to make the other things "right", etc, because I wanted to keep her. I'll admit that once or twice in frustration I said, "well, it looks like the easiest solution is for us to break up", but then I'd always follow it by saying that I don't want to break up and that I'd like to work things out. But then last week Friday she came to my apartment and dropped the bomb. Later that evening, I called her and asked her if there's anything, any possible way for us to work things out. Her reply was that she's only concerned that I'll have a difficult time with the breakup. Definitely sounded like she'd made up her mind. The next day I visited my grandfather in Philly, and when I came back all of her stuff was cleared out of my apartment. Again indicating that she considered herself out of my life. So at that point I initiated NC (it's funny, long before I knew about enotalone, I've always used the NC tactic ... it's always been my best way to deal with breakups ... and the first time I saw NC in this forum, I thought, huh? people who've just broken up should visit North Carolina? LOL!). Of course, I'm going through the same thing that many of you are, I miss her terribly, I can't stop thinking about her, I feel physical pain for most of the day, low self-esteem, etc .... But even though I know I should fill up my time with fun activities and hanging out with friends and such, it's so hard to motivate myself to do anything other than mope around the house. (Incidentally, it'll be interesting to see how the NC thing works out, since we are in the same building, 2 floors apart...) I know that time will heal all, I've been through at least one similar situation, but this girl was so perfect for me and I'm truly sad to lose her (though I know in another couple of months I may not feel that way). Thanks again for everyone's advice and comforting words. You don't even need to reply to my post, I'll just keep reading all the other posts and be inspired!! (Oh, sorry for the inanely long post )