flavia88

A couple months ago I found out that my boyfriend had once (before he knew me) asked out one of his close friends and she had said no. I know the girl and she is very nice but i get very bothered by the idea that he is still good friends with her even afteer she said no and basically goes anywhere with her whenever she asks him. most of the time when they go somewhere together tehre are other people too but there have been times when they went to movies together (nobody else) and i was not informed. I told him that it bothered me a lot. He replied saying that when he had asked her out it was a casual thing and he hadn't known her for too long then. IT's later that they became friends and that he isn't interested in her that way now. But he keeps repeating that she is a good friend etc. We broke up a month ago and while we were broken up, i brought up this issue and said that i would not feel comfortable abotu him hanging out with her if we got back together. he said that if we were already in a relationship then he would consider taht but since we were not, that didnt make a lot of sense. we are back together, and i dont know if i should bring this up again. what botehrs me is the fact that she had said no to him and it doesnt bother him and he still goes places with her when she asks him to....although he keeps insisting that shes just a good friend.

hi everyone! i just got back with my ex.... im so happy. i just hope things work out this time.

the relationship had a bad start. in teh beginning i was quite mean with him and kind of tried to manipulate the whole situation using the fact htat he was so into me. he would spend hours just standing in front oh my desk in the lab and i would ignore him adn IM my friends... etc. later he told me that he did feel jerked around then.....i guess newton's third law holds even for relationships i think one should never get into a relationship unless one is willing to give it a 100% from teh very beginning. it was my first one... before this i just never paid attention to guys who would show interest.....that's how it started with him as welll.... i dont know how/why i fell for him. it's a mystery to myself. because we are very differetn--- mutual friends have been pointing that out recently....and whenever he tried to express his feelings about something, i would say to myself..."what is he talking about... that's such a trite approach!" or something like that. two people must have mutual respect if a relationshp is to work out.... i guess. near the end he told me repeatedly taht he just didnt feel the way he once used to.... i dont know why i didnt take that seroiusly or just back out of the thing.... i guess i was still thinking "oh he doesnt know wha he is saying " you guys will probably think i am a jerk or something.... why did i fall for him later? I STILL DONT KNOW. he told me several times that us being in a relationshp wasnt good... that we were really good as friends. its funny because now that i think of it... we shared our thoughts most when we were friends.... nothign much happened after the relationship started... we were _very_ attracted to each otehr (physically) and maybe thats why this emotional incompatibility didnt becoem a huge issue for a while. one other thing is that we are both in a very demanding and time consuming degree program. while i am into thoery and can work at any time (Even all night if necessary), he is more into the labwork... so he had to go to the lab and spend 10-12 hours there everyday..... and at the end of the day he would just say he was too tired to go anywhere or would come to see me only if we had any spicific plans like watching a certain movie or eating at a certain place... i was hurt that he couldnt bend his schedule even oce for me... i guess that just shows that his feelings werent so deep.. that hurt me a lot. anyway, i just cant think of being with anyone else right now.... how do i deal with hte people who are showing interst in me now? i think i should not start seeing others right away.... thanks again for reading my long and boring posts .....

i think you guys are right. i have felt like it's not working either, just that it is very difficult for me to admit it since i gave so much into the relationship. it was my first serious one, and he was the first guy that i was physically intimate with. i think that explains why i'm being so adamant just curious... how does one actually make oneself admit the truth ? in cases like this? im being just silly, am i not? oh well... i should just study real hard for a while ...that should take my mind off it. i have been in NC for the last week and i feel much more productive. there are times when i feel very sad, but i get a lot more work done these days....i think the sadness will just go away with time... i'll just wait and see what happens. thanks for your replies!

thanks for your reply oatmeal. communication really was a huge issue i think- although neither of us realzied it while we were still together. however, when he came to see me the last time, after he said i was being flirtatious, i asked him if he wanted to be with me ever again. he at first said he couldnt answer that, but after i said that ineed to know he said, no i dont. let me give you some details of what happened earlier. in the beginning he was the one who was really intersted in being with me. he was very sweet and kept pursuing me for months. after a while i said yes. things were going pretty well for a while. However, in the beginning i always felt like we were not very similar intellectually... i never felt like discussing intelligent or intellectual things with him... also he always kept telling me how smart i was- that definitely didnt help. so i admit i was a little weird in teh beginning...e very time he would hurt me a bit, i would stop talking to him for a few days.... but then i would always go back. later he told me that those silent treatments kind of made him backout and he became defensive. my feelings towards him, however grew a lot as we spent more time together... but i guess i always made the mistake of never opening up to him. while iknew him very well, i am afraid he doesnt really know me... as a person. so during the last 2/3 months the main issue was that while i was actually falling for him and wanted to spend more time with him, he was gradually backing out i guess. we had 2 seriuos breakups before the last one. after the fiirst one, (which was caused mostly by the fact that i wanted to see him and he would keep telling me he was tired because he worked in teh lab all day or something), i broke up with him that time, i felt bad immediately and a few hours later i apologized and asked him to come back and was hoping to work things out. he downright refused. which i understand, because it was right after i told him i wanted it to be over. however i kept telling him that i really wanted him back and a few days later we were together again. but then it seemed to me like he was taking me for granted. he would get irritated by the slightest things and was clearly not enjoying my company... he insulted me qutie a bit one night saying why do you think annoying me is cute etc. i felt like nothing much was left of the relationship we once shared and so after thinking about it for a few days i wrote him that it was obviously not owrking out. he said something like..yah, i agree, nothing much is left. so we broke up. i felt even worse this time. and i made the same mistake of asking him to come over right after telling him that. he did come. right away. but as i was just telling him how sorry i was things didnt work out, while i was saying that, i realized that i was actually in love with him and that the reason i kept breaking up was that i constantly flet like he wasnt reciprocating and it hurt a lot. i cried for 6 hoours. but he was very cold and just sat there without saying anything. we were "friends" for a month after that... and it was killing me. even after one motnh i couldnt get him out of my mind.... and when he would send me friendly emails i just felt like destroying everything, in the end i had a long talk with him. and that day it seemed to me that although he kept saying he didnt want to come back to the relationship, he actually did want to. and i told him that i can t help thinking that if we dont try at least once more, we might be making a huge mistake since both of us felt so strongly. so we were back togehter. the following two weeks were probbalby the happiest i have had in a long time..... things seemed liek they were going well. but after a while, i once again felt like he was igonoring me and didnt really want to spend time with me..... so i wrote him" i know i pushed into the relationshp the last time. i dont feel wanted... i feel like you dont want to be with me. do you" he said that he did feel pushed into it and he was confused but still wanted to be with me. but i couldnt handle the uncertainty adn said that we should go for a clean break. and the rest ... ive told you already. i am so confused about what actually happened. he used to be so sweet to me.... and he made me so happy.. most of the time at least..... i dont know what happened. what do you think? thanks for reading my post.

recap: the way things ended with me and my ex was that he was being kind of insensitive and was ignoring me so i aked him what he actually wanted and whether he wanted to be with me. he said he was confused and didnt know what was on his mind, but still wanted to be with me. but i was really getting hurt with the way he was treating me. so i broke up with him. and told him that we should just go into NC, because previously we broke up once and tried being friends but it was too painful for me. so he said that although he still likes me a lot and hasnt been attracted to anyone else in months, he felt something was missing and agreed to go for the clean break thing although "he felt sad just from typing it" (this happened over email). We didnt see each other for a week or so and then i was missing him a lot although i didnt want to get back with him. so i asked him if he wanted to stop by some time. he came immediately after he got my email. but after a while he said "you are being flirtatious" because you want me back. he said that with such a disgusted face that i felt like shooting myself. and i said no. i dont want you back. and left and later told him that i don't want to see him ever again. he said that it hurts us both too much to not see each other at all and so he hopes we can be friends although he wont write to me unless i write him. and i ended saying that after that discussion that night, it wont be all that hard for me. so. and i havent seen/talked to him in a week. it is hard at times. but i have decided that i won't contact him myself because he will once again very likely insult me with that... you want me back... thing. i just wanted to know if there is anything left for me to do....... i am still sad that this thing ended this way. i am not sure if i want to be in a relationship anymore after how he hurt me, but i also understand him quite well and i think he did this because although he has feelings for me, he is afraid that it wont work out. i think he's just afraid and is blocking himself out from me beause of that......i have been in other relationships before but i never felt like the way i felt for him. in the beginning he also had very strong feelings... but somehow, i think its because both of us are such bad communicators... things just changed over time. and while i think i liked him more as time went on, for him , he felt more distant. i dont know what to do... i guess i am just confused at the moment. but i do understand that right now i just need to give him space. what bothered me and hurt me most was theat he kept saying he doenst feel the same way as he did before. but i can tell that he probably doesnt mean that and is saying it because he is afraid the same thign will happen again. what am i to do we are in NC now. and he said he wont contact me unless i contact him first (because i said i dont want tosee him ever again). thanks for reading my very long and not so interestign post any feedback will be much appreciated.

i still dont know if what i did is right... can someone help me? the last emails we exchanged were like this... after i told him that i dont ever want to see him again he wrote "I think this hurts us both a lot to not see each other at all. I'll respect what you're saying, and I won't write unless written to, but I hope we can still be good friends. And for the record I like you a lot, and also don't understand you too well." but i replied: "you can't have it both ways. thanks to you for the discussion tonight. i dont think it will be all that painful for me now." i havent contacted him since then.

and thank you edudlooc for your reply.it helped me a lot last night when i was feeling so down.

later i realized that he was actually expecting me to say that i want him back and to cry like crazy and act hysterical like i did the last time we broke up. at one point when he was talking to me, he actually said... i think you are acting too flirtatious and want me back. so i said, no i don't. and kept meself from expressing any emotions. i was totally cool with it and jsut asked if this meant he isnt interested in being with me ever again, and he said no way. so i said fine, all's cleared up then. and said bye. it does seem like he was expecting me to make a scene. too bad he was disappointed. i couldnt help crying after he left though. it felt like i couldnt breathe. but later i realized that i dont want to be with someone who can do this to me..... he kept saying i missed you, BUT ONLY AS MY BEST FRIEND.... i guess it hurts him too when we are in NC. but i don't see why i should stay his friend after all thee things that were said and done... i just dont feel like that. so later i emailed him and said, ok i dont really want to see you again. and i hope you find someone who understands you because i never did. he replied with an almost fuming email blaming me for jerking him around etc. and said he thingsk it hurts us both a lot to not see each other at all and so he will respect what im saying and wont contact me until i contact him again, but hopes we can be good friends. then i sent the last email that i actually wish to send him ever again....i said you cant have it both ways.. and after all that you said tonight,i dont think it will be all that painful for me to not see you. i think i did the right thing. what do you think? it hurts.

i just talked to him and we had a calm discussion and he told me that he just didnt like me that way any more and during the NC he was basically just worried that i would never talk to him again and so he was afraid of losing his best friend, but not anything else..... he said his feelings towards me have been gradually changing for a while and that he has been unhappy for a long time. in the end i asked him if he "ever" wanted to be with me again and he said no. i dont know how to deal with this. this just happened now. in the beginning i had little interest in him but i think now i love him so much, its hard to just accept all these things he said.... it just doesnt make sense that this can happen when ihave such strong feelings for him. can anyone say anything aobut this , please? im falling apart.

thank you edudlook13 and justtwicethen for your replies. you are right, i need to move on. the thing is, this time the breakup hurts much less than it did the last time. and i don't think about him all the time any more and have kind of accepted the fact that we were not right for each other. we are in NC and it has been a few days.... i think i'm feeling better everyday. NC definitely helps in getting over someone. the mistake i made last time was that i thought we could be friends - while it was Ok for him, it hurt me too much and i kept asking him to get back together... which of course only made him less interested. it is much better now that i don't have to read his "friendly" emails everyday and dont have to wonder how he can be so cold after all we went through.....

well, thank you all for your reply. the thing is, i did not break up because he wouldnt say he loved me... just that i got the impression that my feelings were much more intense and so i kept being disappointed and hurt. we never had any huge fights or conflicts, but it's the little things that kind of built up over time....we actually broke up once before about two months ago. at that point i tried to argue with him that things weren't working out, that i couldn't connect with him (he had no intentions of breaking up with me at that point). after that, he said he thougth about it, and decided that something really was missing. so we broke up. but right after that, i felt so much pain, thinking that what i did was a mistake and i couldnt stop crying for days. so i told him i wanted him back... at first he told me a few times that he just didnt feel the same way about me. but in the end we got back together and things were going fine for a while. but i kept feeling like i pushed him into it. so, a few days ago i asked him again if he actually wanted to be with me. he said that he is a bit confused and doesnt know whats actually on his mind... but he wants to be with me. i couldnt handle the uncertainty, and so said we should make a clean break. that's when he said that he likes me a lot and is attracted only to me right now, but that he doesnt feel as strongly as he did before. so he also agreed for a clean break. i cant stop thinking about him, or thinking why i kept pushing him to break up with me when all i want is to be with him. i know it sounds so immature!! but i could use some advice

i broke up with my boyfriend of a year a few days ago. he told me he really liked me, and hasnt been attracted to anyone else in a very long time... but that he feels that his feelings used to be stronger before and that something might be just gone.......i had already told him once that i loved him, but he never used teh word "love". so i decided that his feelings are not as deep as mine and i was quite unhappy in the relationship because i kept feeling like he didnt want me as much as i wanted him. so i ended it. my question is, how can you like someone very much and not be attracted to anyone else but not love them? its a silly question, but i guess i am jsut confused at the moment. and is this liking/loving confusion a good enough reason to break up? or should one give the other person more time?