storm

good luck heath x

been here brought the tshirt as they say . 10 yrs 3 kids a lorry load of guilt . this is not a easy thing for you to do, but sacrificing yourself to protect them wont work either ( i promise , tried that aswell) you have 2 options , you could save the marriage or leave , if you want to save it , if theres even the slightest possibilty that you could make it work , go and see a counsellor & heres why ..... because if you have tried everything you can think of to make it work & you still are unhappy, you can make the choice saying to yourself " i tried to keep it together, now i can live with the choice i have made" then the guilt feeling will ease. if your past that point , then take a deep breath and do what you need to do, but remember it is going to be very difficult , if you think now is hard think again , because when your hubby realises that its really over , i wouldnt be surprised if he pulled out all the stops ! you have to be able to have that peace in yourself that you have made the right decision for you to be able to deal with it. with regards to your little girl , your her biggest role model , when i left my husband i remember thinking there is no way i would let my daughter stay in a unhappy relationship because she got married or became a mother , she would have the right to be happy & me staying there pretending to be happy familys was not showing her that me her mum , felt she deserved that right. i had to see what i was teaching her, either way ( make sense ? ) your attitude to the seperation will be one of the biggest things in effecting how she copes. as will your husbands but you cannot control that , no matter how much you want to. thats how children become battle tools in a divorce , ( btw this happens either way round im not just bad mouthing fathers here , alot are excellent dads ) one mother who feels guilty for her decision , add one father who deprives the child of attention, time etc and blames his actions on the mothers choice, now you have a drama traingle , victim , persecutor , rescuer !! nobody gains from it ! , but the truth is you cant do a damm thing about it EXCEPT refuse to get dragged into the game. you see it cant be played with only 2 players ! your child will benefit from your clear, unwaving attitude that everything is ok . its the emotional rollacoster that confuses children. they need to know there safe and loved , everything else they take as being 'normal' sorry ive gone on . & the truth is this is just how I see it , i could have it all wrong. you have to do it so you have to make the choice , because only you have to live with the consequences . best of luck x

i can empathise with you need to help him. but the thing is it is just that YOUR need. if he asks you for help that is different but the truth is you cant be the one who makes it better. if you become his coping stratergy then without realising you have taken his away his own ability to cope. he has to learn in his own way how to get through this. having said all of this its not a crime to tell him any of this and then maybe he can get some understanding of why you dont step in to rescue him. best of luck xxxx

dear callmecrazy , i cant face explaining my situation ,i read all your posts in one go today and i just wanted to tell you that you have no idea how comforting it was to read each post and see month by month you were coping and getting better. you are an inspiration and you have given me some hope . thankyou , god bless from sunny ?! england x

sorry i got the wrong impression about your love for her , i apologise i am interested in what you said about a authority figure ... how has that authority relationship effected the choices you are making now ?

i feel a bit uneasy about writing this to you, in a way it seems cruel , and i could be completely wrong . """"because she has always been insecure about her and about us, mainly because she came from a divorce............. i've always been the one who worked harder for our relationship""" im thinking that it might be possible you became a prop to get her over her divorce and once she got through that she moved on ? or that she may have issues with settling down after the divorce and it became clostraphobic ? or that shes got herself addicted to the romantic part of a relationship ? i say the last bit because of how u meantioned that she has moved on so quick you asked if u should keep talking to her ? i think if you could get her to open up about whats going of in her head it and if you can cope, then why not . im sorry if i have come accross as judgemental, feel free to tell me to back off good luck xxxxx

dear heathcliff do you know what i got most from your posts , the fact that you didnt love her and that you werent happy. how you got there i think can sometimes be irrelative , because you cannot change it. everyone deserves the right to be happy.

its very difficult to know whats going on in her mind , but given the history that youve told us i would say the chances are shes considering her options with regard to you. you have made the move and now the ball is in her court , if you dont get any reply then i would post that letter and walk away the best you can , that way she knows how you feel , she can see you do mean alot to her , she has all the information.

dear kola if you can write the to him the same way you have us i think that youd be able to get what you need accross to him. at least that way he can read it in his own time and take it in . all the best xxxxxx

to redsuede>> .."YOu gave her years of your faithfulness and team work. she is throwing it all away cause she lost a few pounds and eats no dairy or meat.""". .. "She will see better of you anyway, if you have enough self respect to go , no i am not worth what you are treating me like.. " atomicblonde , got to agree with alomst everything you said ! RINTIN, i admire your ability to be so open with your wife about how she really feels , but im sorry to say it feels like your asking questions you dont want to know the answer to , cus shes telling u and then your not really believing it. you have known this woman for a very long time , she has closed of and i think you know why . wheather shes right or wrong is up to you to judge , not me. you sound like a fantastic dad and a good man x x x

i just wanted to ask something , you said quite alot about how your stand off attitude with her seemed to inflame her love for you , maybe that is what she finds so attractive about you , so im wondering if laying it on to thick could work in reverse ? wow dilema good luck x

you sound so sad & i can understand why. it seems to me that your a good person who has a genuine heart and really do feel completely let down. im interested why you asked a few questions about how to split up and then asked one question about whether it was worth going for broke and asking him to leave his wife ? maybe ur not as ready to let go as youd like to be ? i read your post and was all for u finishing it asap and then when i got to that question i couldnt help but think , hey why not , i wonder what u have to loose by laying out ur cards and asking for the ultimate commitment ? he can only say no ! can that be any worse than the lies your having to live with ? i might be wrong but u seem to come accross like u feel preety bad for the whole affair , but im not so sure you should , you have gone to great lengths to keep the hurt ( from wife etc ) to a minimum . the thing is that we forget is that everyone invloved makes choices , including the man and his wife & they all do it for there own benefit to an extent . i know what im saying is Controversial but i dont think you need a lecture on what youve done , i get the feeling you know that for yourself anyway. its a really hard situation that your in , trust your instincts xxxxx all the best xxx

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