Andrina

You reject a sweet guy in person and prefer someone who "bothers" you because he's not as invested in you as you are in him. That shows your self-worth is lacking. Subconsciously you would feel out of sorts with being with someone actually decent because you feel you're only worthy of garbage. You say you have emotional baggage from some past hurt and anxiety. In my previous post, I mentioned that as a common reason for the type of people who seek out these long-distance love prospects. Why on earth are you choosing the hardest form of dating there is? Just because the "sweet" local guy didn't trip your trigger, doesn't mean all the local guys won't. YOU would be making all the effort in seeing this guy. After the business trip, it will most likely be YOU who will spend money returning to see him. All he has to do is sit back and wait for someone to give him some fun intimacy before she returns to her normal life, and he returns to his normal life. He could also be busy with a huge group of female prospects, gaining their trust, investment, and gradually putting in his scamming steps, which is why he goes so long between texts. He looks at his notes on you to see where you two left off. You are dating in the least effective way possible. Investing 5 months, feeling as though you're falling in love, and then it could all fall apart in the first meet. I know for myself how that happens, although I always dated locally and never went more than 2 weeks without meeting someone for the first time. Though I loved their photos, the phone conversations, and thought it would go great, 9 out of 10 dates with individual guys didn't end in a second date. Either he didn't feel it, or I didn't feel it, or neither of us did. Chemistry is biological, something we can't experience until meeting in person, and then everything else has to click into place like enjoying their personality. Even when you do like someone well enough, you might not feel comfortable in their presence, or something intangible you can't pinpoint is off. I made boundaries for myself and only dated men who lived within a reasonable driving distance from me--preferably 45 minutes. I had plenty of opportunities within that zone. Stop making excuses for choosing a dangerous and expensive way of dating. Social media has made it seem like a relationship is quite doable even with distance, but it's rare that those sorts of relationships work out. Locally, you can find out who a person is far sooner than someone who can hide major things from a distance. It'll take you 20 years to find "the one" the way you go about things. Huge chunks of time devoted to the unknown and assumptions, and too much of living in la-la-land.

There are reasons metaphors exist. It's because they hold truth just about everyone can relate to. In this instance, it would be: Don't put all your eggs into one basket. In life, we learn that every friend you have at any given point will not wind up being a forever friend. Of course, some might be, but that's unknown. Too many life factors contribute to friends fading away. Some friendships totally end. Some that were once strong, become less of a priority. Some that started as acquaintances could evolve into a person you're close to. The evolution of all these instances are totally normal and should be expected. I've never bothered calling out a friend for not putting in effort. I begin matching a lesser effort if they are fading from my life, or if they only want favors from me instead of spending quality time with me. I feel no need for a conversation since their actions speak volumes, and it's my cue to lessen my time in their lives or to stop reaching out cold turkey. Of course, if they asked why my behavior has changed, I would be honest. But if they let things fade without asking, I know they no longer were invested in our friendship, so that has left me putting my efforts where I'm treated as I should be. If you have failed to establish friendships with others, how about trying Meetup.com groups, and try some hobbies that are offline and getting outside for some hiking, bicycling, rockclimbing, sports, or anything else you could be passionate about. A good new year's resolution to enrich your life. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Your version of them is flaking out. Their version is probably that they gave it a go and you weren't their cup of tea for whatever reason. It doesn't mean they are flaky. It means it's a part of the normal dating process whereas new dating situations flicker out at a higher rate than finding a keeper. It's a numbers game. Lots of major things to match as far as dating/life goals, so why would that be easy? How often do you put yourself out into the world in places where singles in your age group gather? Have you tried OLD or Meetup.com? If not, give that a go. It's good your friends gave you some feedback on what the problem might be. Are any of these friends female to give you a female perspective on anything you should improve to make yourself more presentable (updated hairstyle/clothing) and likeabilty to dating prospects? I don't mean changing your personality. It could mean avoiding topics that are off-putting to many. It could be practicing giving genuine compliments if you don't normally do so, such as when a woman has dressed up nice for a date, that you say the color looks pretty on her, etc. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

You haven't even met yet, and yet this cyber friendship is already stressing you out. Isn't that a signal you should make an exit from something that will never go in the direction you want? You're seeking a fantasy world where you probably imagine you will meet and it will evolve into a fairy tale romance where one of you will be uprooting to live in the other's town. Romances that start as long distance have an extremely high risk of failure because there are too many cons in LDRs. Why have you sought a cyber friendship with a long distance person? Usually people who do this have scared away local people for friendship or romance because of neediness, and have resorted to cyber fantasy as being better than nothing. Or, they have secrets to hide that a far-a-way person won't immediately be turned off by. Or, they have emotional baggage and believe actual in-person dating is too scary and keep distance, at least for a while. What is your personal life like locally? Do you have any friends? Hobbies? A good career? What is your relationship history? Your expectations of this guy is unreasonable. He is not obligated to reply to you in a particular timeline. You choose your friends and keep them if they meet your friendship needs, which hopefully are reasonable. If you don't believe a friend is making as much effort as you, let them fade away. I've never acted snarky to a friend if I felt like I was being used, manipulated, neglected. I merely stop reaching out to them for get-togethers, etc. That leaves one time for friends who make equal efforts.

So have you spent at least $1500-2000 every time you fly and stay in a hotel to see her? Rather expensive for something so iffy. Why aren't you dating locally, where nobody has to eventually file for an expensive, time-intensive, and dangerous financially if things don't work out "fiance Visa?"

He could be easing into a softer breakup once you two are apart for awhile. Even if you decided to breakup, it'd be wise for you not to date anyone for a good year after spending 7 years being part of a couple. What would I do in your shoes? I probably wouldn't break up, but I'd go about concentrating on graduate school and spending time with friends, and let him take bigger lead in reaching out to you while you two are apart. Perhaps you will get a better gauge on his intentions to show whether or not he wants to stay in your life. If you wind up seeing he's not as invested as you'd like, then of course, you can do the breaking up. Or, if you find you're enjoying the independence and not missing him much, you can then break up without waiting to see what his decision will be.

Quoted is what you say to a new dating prospect when discussing relationship history. That's it. No details about sex and sexual partners. You've sown your wild oats, had life experienced where you've learned lots about yourself and what you presently want in life. A good place to now go for your goals. I'd suggest reading some helpful books about wise practices in the dating world. Of course, not all are good books. Read reviews before buying.

If you're serious about not making major mistakes that will blow up your life, you will have to stop drinking because it obviously alters your mind so much that you do things you'd never do while sober. There are fun things you can do with friends that don't involve drinking. Just because you might forgive a major drunken mistake by a partner, doesn't mean anybody else in your life will offer the same forgiveness. I'd never forgive a man if he got drunk and made out with anybody but me. A hard lesson to learn. You have no choice but to move on and make better decisions moving forward.

I don't understand this because these 2 paragraphs contradict one another. Even if it were a platonic friend cancelling plans because they have a better offer, a person who has healthy self-esteem would have dumped said friend immediately. You stuck around for more of that, showing how lowly you actually feel about yourself. A very sad situation for not only you, but for your children, because they face the consequences of you attracting, and being attracted to, toxic men. The poor things, dealing with this circus of immature adults around them making poor decisions. A constant upheaval of instability. The two of you should grow up and learn how healthy, mature couples act. When a couple becomes serious, yes, leisure activities and what they do with friends has to change if those activities and the types of friends they engage with are harmful to the primary relationship. I know what I did and who I hung out with when I was single and in community college was different than what I did and who I engaged with once I got a serious boyfriend. If you plan on breaking up with him, please stay away from the dating scene for several years. Your children need to adapt to a stable way of life where you're focusing on them instead of the next toxic man who will enter when you're clearly not ready to make good life choices. Continue with therapy. You have a lot of work to do on yourself.

It's important to discuss relationship rules. The very thing I've quoted is something my husband and I agreed NOT to do. It's also something marital counselors will recommend--that once you have a discussion to resolve a problem, and the problem's resolved, that bringing up that issue as a weapon will cause bitterness in the relationship, eating away at it like a cancer. Discuss going by that rule and other important rules that will benefit the relationship. If neither of you can stick to it, go your separate ways. On-again, off-again relationships usually mean two people are totally wrong for one another. Then stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I see you've learned to no longer bring up sexual details from a past encounter to a SO. Better to keep things vague and in general such as the longest relationship you had and how long ago it was. Basic info that gives important info, but leaves out details a new dating partner would rather not hear. If learning from mistakes doesn't help you in this particular relationship, at least it will be helpful in a future dating situation.

You're not yet invested in this man, so it'd be so easy to walk away and attempt to date someone who doesn't worry you. Look at him in the present. He makes the bare minimum so it'd be unwise to assume things will improve in that area. It means you won't live as nice of a lifestyle as you would if your partner matches you financially or makes more money. It's not shallow to consider this. Why make sacrifices like not being able to travel unless you're footing the whole bill. Why be with someone who won't even be able to afford putting money away for emergencies or into a retirement fund? Life is expensive. To me, why risk betting on a dark horse when there are contenders who show more promise? You just have to be free when meeting the ones who are safer bets. You haven't even been on one date. A good time to walk away before being intimate and getting emotionally bonded to a high risk person.

Has deep feelings for you? The only one she loves is herself and ego boosts from you. She could care less that you're being hurt by her behavior. It's like Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown and pulling it away before he can kick it. How many times will you fall for that? Her pretty looks are clouding your brain so that you're unable to see the ugliness inside.

So, for the majority of your relationship, his priority has been working on his property versus spending regular periods of quality time with you. There's no difference if a person's time is top heavy because of being a workaholic or engaging in a hobby like golfing or video games. And then he sulks when you spend time with a friend while taking a breather from helping him. Sounds like you don't know what a healthy relationship is, and are shoving your needs under a mat. For what? At the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow? You should know that hoping everything will be golden once the house is built is unwise to assume.

She distrusts you, since she feels you're inappropriate in who you're FB friends with, and keeping tabs on whose posts you're liking. You feel like you can't trust that she's emotionally devoted to you because she seeks out eye candy, and perhaps with the tattoo, she's trying to seek out nostalgic happiness because she's feeling the present is blah. I don't think it's wise to marry until those major problems are sorted out. With the TikTok, and her comments about a hot friend, you're seeing how she rolls. It's a pattern. If you're expecting her to change at the age of 51, I don't think that'll happen.

When I first read this, I thought you were speaking of someone in their early 20s. She sounds really immature to me, and you both have regularly occurring distrust in one another, scouring each others social media. Sounds like the grounds too shaky to plan on marriage right now.

Can you explain why you believe he's a good partner to you? Does he care for you when you're sick? Does he come to your aid if your car breaks down, etc.? Does he make you feel special, like making your birthday special for you, picking up anything at the store you're running out of that he doesn't use? Does he make your life easier in any way? Does he send you sweet notes through text or call you when you're apart? Do you match in the bedroom department? From the outside looking in, he doesn't seem to care about your best interests as far as making sure you're financially comfortable should he die before you. You two don't seem to be acting as a team. When two people are a team, they have each other's backs. And I can't see why finishing a house has anything to do with getting married. I can understand that if a couple is very young and still in college or something. But you two are middle-aged, so finishing a house seems irrelevant in this case as far as getting married goes. Yes, you have to plan for your own financial wellness and plan for retirement, but it sure would be nice if a partner loves you as much as he loves himself and shows it.

Well, you're the one who signed up for this abnormal situation, and it remains abnormal. You've tried show and tell with zero improvement. You either wait 50 times longer than average for each baby step, hoping for the best and that she turns into an unselfish person, or quit now in frustration. Nobody else is living your life, so that's your decision to make.

Okay, sounds good. What's his relationship history? That's something that can be very telling about a person. You labelling yourself with abandonment issues can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know very few people without crosses to bear in life. What happened in your childhood is over now. You're an adult and need to learn resilience. While waiting for cognitive therapy appointments, if you're bound and determined to improve yourself, educate yourself with audio books, library books or store bought books to rid yourself of emotional baggage. Being pro-active will help you feel better that you're solving problems instead of wallowing in them.

Well, I don't know why you didn't think of the cons of LDRs when you began dating. That one of you would have to uproot. In dating, yes, you will be seeing what's what with your partner, and you can see the effort is one-sided. It's definitely something to pay attention to. I believe two people regularly making an equal effort is essential in a happy relationship. And it's wonderful when families are close, but sometimes it veers to being too close in that it negatively impacts a couple's romantic life. It sounds like she could be in that category. I broke a two year relationship off with my boyfriend when I was a teen since he was clearly a Mama's boy. No way would I stand that way of life for a lifetime. Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. Make sure you choose wisely.

You need to build a fulfilling life besides having a bf, by spending time with friends, hobbies, and enjoying your own company when not with him. And then have the mantra that if things don't work out between you two, you will have the normal upset but still have a strong support system and a happy life. You can also read books on skills to boost your self-worth. Of course, it's key to choose the right partner who shares your dating/life goals. Why is he attending parties without you, and have you met his female friends? It's important to know what your relationship boundaries are, and to not settle for someone who has opposite views on them. There is no right or wrong for opposite sex friends, but couples have to decide if their rules match in that area. Even with same sex friends, if a guy meets with a buddy two times a week to hit the bars, that'd be too much for some women, whereas once a month or 4 times a year would be fine. You have to know your comfort levels and find someone who doesn't make your heart pound in the bad way. The new year is a good time to set up your life the way you want it. Good luck.

Being able to let it go or not is key. Just as some couples can recover from a cheating incident, and others can't move beyond the hurt, even if they were certain the incident wouldn't reoccur. There are some young heterosexual women who have had those brief, exploratory make out sessions with other women which some men wouldn't bat an eye at. But yeah, doing it with a friend's mom is quite egregious and you say there is much more. I couldn't get over that either, and would wonder if after years of domesticity with you, that she might start asking what you think of threesomes or introduce a weird fetish if she has been that wild in the past. Yes, you can remain with her and possibly have the same feelings pop up that haunt you now, or free yourself and have faith that at your young age, you can meet someone you can love without negative feelings in that area.

From day one and continuing for an entire year, being bothered has continued to haunt you. It'd be foolish to think that feeling will now go away. If it were me, I'd free myself so I could eventually meet someone whose past doesn't bring up icky feelings.

Masturbating once or twice a day seems excessive to me. Does he watch porn when he does this? That could be the reason you're experiencing a lack of sex right now. Read some articles on porn addiction to see if the insight sparks recognition. I agree with the other poster that it would've been better to move locally, but in your own space for a time before moving in together. You're the one that's made all, or most of the effort of going his way. Dating locally would've shown if he would've made an equal effort before you decided if taking it to the next step of moving in together would be wise. How are you struggling financially? Didn't he live where he does before you moved in? Seems like splitting bills would now be helping. Have you taken steps to make your own friends and get your own hobbies in the area yet? If not, I'd do that. Give him time to miss you, since you're always just there, at home. Create some space since right now, he's probably the sole source of your local, social life. And then have a personal timeline to see if he makes improvements in intimacy. It's better not to stick around for too long, hoping things return to times past that were really like spurts of honeymoon periods. The present is what you should use to make decisions. Good luck and keep us in the loop.

It doesn't matter his reason. If it were me, I'd say to my best friend: Please feel free to delete him off your social media now that you know we're broken up. If she's your best friend, she will do that in solidarity. If she doesn't, maybe you two aren't as close as you assumed. Be honest that it makes you uncomfortable. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around a best buddy.

As Dr. Phil says, the best predictor of future behavior is past recent behavior. He ended the sex buddy situation with you recently. If you got back together for sex, when the newness wears off, he will dump you once more. You say you "think" he developed feelings. That's your wishful thinking. I agree with Batya. A man who's had an epiphany and can't bear to miss out on a golden opportunity would've said, "This time apart has made me realize what I really want, and it's you as a serious partner." Instead, he has no takers for female hookups and misses sex, so he's hitting up the woman he knows was hurt when he ended things, not caring one bit that she will be hurt all over again when he tires of you nagging about wanting more from him and setting boundaries. I read your previous post which I had responded to. Are you in therapy? Do your parents now know you're divorced? If none of that is true, and even if you have taken those proactive steps, you're clearly not in a good headspace to wisely date. Block this man from contacting you. Vow never to have another "situationship." It hasn't worked in your favor before and it will never work. Continue or begin therapy so you can learn your value. Right now, your self-love is lacking and predators can sniff you out as the weak prey you are at the moment. Decent men are attracted to confident women who practice self-love. When you achieve that, you'll be ready to date.