Lily04

I'm saying I will be less perfectionistic, meaning I will not aim for perfection, but a happy middle-ground. I will aim to do my best, but won't expect so much from myself that it is too challenging & unfulfilling. I see it as a continuum... I won't aim to do less than I'm capable, but I won't aim for so much that it becomes unrealistic & unsatisfying. Also I wouldn't say I'm "curvy"... just not as thin as I was before.

Hey Batya, Thanks for your input. I think if I went into law, I'd want to do criminal and civil work, so I wouldn't likely be making the 'big bucks' of corporate/tax litigators in any case... likely around $60-70,000 I'd guess. Maybe even less, depending on your school/grades. I'm not sure I could do well in law school because there is such an emphasis on memory retention in many classes, which is my weakness. However, I can adequately understand legal concepts, I'd likely just need more time to assimilate the information... my friend at NYU law showed me 2 of his assignments for various classes (I believe civpro and corporate) and it didn't seem beyond my capacity to understand. Managing the coureload is a concern, however. But I still want to be a lawyer. I suppose the alternative would be going into public policy, getting an M.A. in that field. I'm not sure I'd necessarily make more $$ doing that, although the tuition is probably cheaper...

Hi Zaphod, Thanks. Well I remember taking an eating disorder quiz that was developed by Princeton university, released in the newspaper a while back...around end of November/beginning of December. I remember scoring "very likely" to develop one, although it didn't worry me so much at the time because I wasn't starving myself and was still eating decent meals... just very controlled about what I ate. But now I am much less so... I can relate to what Batya was saying about friends not wanting to go out with me & it ruining some friendships at the time though. My sister wouldn't talk with me for a few days because she was so mad at me for dieting and judging people based on what they ate I suppose... I think I was a bit elitist at the time with it, although i also think jealousy was likely apart of it for her because she's a teenager & was gaining a bit of weight at the time... and as a competitive soccer player, was always known as the 'athletic' and skinnier one in the family but once i started losing weight and exercising 7 days/week it challenged her status i guess. i don't know....we were definitely not as close around then though. But now that we're both around the same size, there's less competition between us... i'm about a size 4-6 now, whereas i was a size 4 before... I think that was fine. Maybe toning down my perfectionism to some extent is a good thing though. I just have to learn to be a bit more balanced with it, although i would like to lose about 3-4 lbs. now, that's all.

hey, well no offense but I don't think your statement really applies... i'm 22 years old, nowhere near having kids, my metabolism is still young lol. and i'm 5'10" and around 136 lbs... not too bad, but not 'perfect' either...

Thanks man. So you just focused on the present I guess, and never let the future stress impact you? Did you just focus on graduating or care about graduate school admissions at all? I suppose i'm just strsesed because if I want to apply now is the time to think about that stuff...and at the same time, i seem to be getting lazier, but not sure if that's exactly a good or bad thing because I was soo perfectionistic about stuff before....i.e. one of my Fs last term was just because I was never satisfied with any of my work so I wouldn't submit it... hence getting a 0, when I could have reasonably gotten a B if I just submitted something. sigh.

Hi guys, Well some of you may know my difficulties in the past with 'perfectionism'... to the extreme. Butlately I've noticed I've lost some of thhe traits... for one, I used to be perfectionist about my appearance. I probably had 0% body fat, looking at old pics, i was perfectly thin. but now... i gained about 7-8 lbs. in the last month or so, and just... aren't caring as much. I mean, I am feeling a bit down about it, but before I would literally almost starve myself if I gained about 5 lbs. in an effort to lose it within a week. Now...it's just an acknowledgement. Before sweets were completely off-limits, I had a strict diet, but I am actually eating chocolate again sometimes and introducing carbs... I am still thin but not really... perfectly so. i don't know how i feel about this exactly. I think lately I might be a bit depressed because of it, i'm not sure... feeling slightly apathetic. on Saturday I didn't do any work, just took the whole day off... didn't check work e-mails, didn't work out, slept in... and today i was feeling slightly apathetic, slept in again... I do still have schoolwork due this week, but just... don't care as much. I don't know why. Maybe I'm burned out? maybe this is a good sign that i'm less perfectionist about things? but then... I for the first time visited this law admissions site that I haven't visited in about a year. I used to visit it a lot when I was feeling very competitive about law school admissions and really hard-core about getting in. But again, my ambition has been waning but when i visited it, I felt really scared. Like there were all these specific questions about gpa/lsat scores (is a 3.57 ok? mine is 3.55, big difference in median?) that type of thing... and i realized the immensity of these decisions. that even a few decimal points makes a huge difference, could reject you from your school of choice. I don't know if I've given up, essentially. I know I don't feel that same ambition at all. My drive is... not there. I'm almost at the point where I'm not sure if I want law school, but i'm not sure of what I want to do. I definitely do want to be a lawyer, but... i'm not sure i want the competition, all that it entails... I essentially feel really unsure.I have assignments due, but i'm trying not to freak out about it, and lower my standards to get hte work done... at the same time, I don't know what to do about this summer. I don't think my gpa will be up to par. should I study for the LSAT? take extra courses to boost my gpa before I apply... work, study, i don't know. I just feel like... my gpa doesn't reflect my potential. My GPA is actually horrible guys... like around 3.0. It's just about 3.0 actually. i have grades all over the place -- As, Fs, everything. Undergrad def. did NOT go smoothly for me... I just feel like it's all an uphill battle to get what I want. But is it worth it, if I know I can? I'm not sure. feel lost... again.

Hey Katie, It's good to see your posts again! I remember we used to chat before..like a few years ago! geez. but anyway, I think you're right. I remember when I started dating this guy a few months ago, I suspected the same... he didn't want to take me to places where his ex-gfs might randomly show, he mentioned accidentally that he drunk-called his ex., and in general he didn't seem to be taking me that seriously. He wouldn't really call back to confirm things, over xmas break didn't call for a few weeks, etc... even though i liked him I just dropped it. If I really like a guy's personality & we have a good chemistry, I too, like to think long-term. But if I get the sense that he's not serious and doesn't see me in the same light, then our goals are not compatible. I think those are signs that he's just looking for a quick-fling type of thing. Also, he told me that he was dating another girl at the time, and although I know it's technically "ok" to date multiple people when you first start dating if you're not committed... if I really like a person, I want to be serious. I want there to be LT potential. He didn't seem to be on the same wavelength with that, so that wasn't OK with me. If you get the sense he's dating multiple girls right away as well, he's probably not serious and if you're looking for something more serious & long-term, I think you made the right decision. hope that helps, take care, Lily

Thanks yokey. I think you're right.....it just gets kinda lonely sometimes, and I enjoy dating too. I think I need a more active friend group -- most of my friends are somewhat homebodies or have bfs and don't want to go out. it's also hard since i don't live in the city, I commute... but i'm going to aim to go out at least 2-3x/month (i don't want to go out too much, given my financial situation as well and the city i live in can be quite expensive.....) so maybe that will help me have fun and take my mind off of things.. BUT: update on situation with the shy guy: I didn't meet him at the gym yesterday. And I didn't e-mail him to tell him I wasn't going to meet him as he didn't ask anyway.....so that's that I suppose...

Hey man, I feel the same way... I haven't been in a relationship for so long, it's sorta depressing to me. I just signed up for online dating....might seem weird, but there's some cool people on there, although most aren't my type either. it's hard i know...but i don't think u have too high standards at all. and 2 months isn't that long... just keep dating, being open and NOT depressed. Women pick up on that....FOCUS ON YOURSELF, YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR GOALS, and you will soon forget about your feelings of depression and loneliness. You have to learn to love yourself and have fun, despite not being in a relationship. That takes strength & that is a quality that girls also find attractive. hth, lily

hey, I feel the same way.....but I'm learning what I want in men and seeing it's slightly different than what I wanted in the past and I think that was due to my insecurity & issues I had in the past. I just started online dating again for the first time since August and saw that the type of guys I would respond to weren't the type i'd think of before....I am still attracted to intelligence & wit, to complement my own and that's what I generally find sexy. but at the same time I'm looking for compassion & a down-to-earth quality because I found that I really value that, and that wasn't necessarily what I was looking for before. I think through experience we learn what we want and what we don't....it seems like you were deceived in the past and that's hard. I know I was, but luckily I can quickly spot when a guy doesn't seem genuine so I don't get too involved and then get hurt. I was really hurt in the past when guys I were obsessed about didn't want to date me...but now that I am more confident/secure, I don't care that much if a guy isn't interested and move on. Part of it is learning to deal with yourself/your issues and being confident with the decisions you make, and part is general intuitive skills...listening, picking up on things that don't seem quite right, being objectively smart about things, questioning whether what he's saying is really consistent or seems a bit sketch... does he seem *too* smooth in a way? there are some things that tip me off... if he seems like he's moving too fast, seems like a player, overconfident or arrogant/elitist (that turns me off)...with confidence you can also move the relationship at a pace that's comfortable for you. If, on the second date he tries to get in your pants and that's NOT OK with you (that has happened with me in the past) you can tell him. The guy I was dating at the time was somewhat arrogant so i wasn't really nice with tellign him.....I was just like "honestly, I can do better" and left... but with someone you care a bit more about you can be like "this is going too fast, can we take it slower..." Judge how he responds, his reaction. Remember: actions speak louder than words....and trust your instincts. hope that helps. lily

Hey, I've read most of the responses here.. I'd just like to have an update on the situation. Did you call your boyfriend? What did he say? To be honest, I didn't even know what the 'bases' were exactly, just googled it (well... there are so many interpretations -- "3rd base" could be hand up shirt or oral sex, etc.) but I think, in general, what this is conveying is that people have different notions of when the timing is 'right', when is 'too fast', etc. from past experiences and their own comfort levels. I think it's great to communicate when you feel comfortable, usually as soon as you start to get more intimate with each other... my first boyfriend in university, for instance, told me that he really wanted sex with me after we started being comfortable with each other and started 'exploring' sexually.... about a month or so after dating. I told him that I wasn't on birth control yet, so I wasn't OK with this... we were both virgins so no need to get tested. We never ended up having sex, but since we weren't using protection it was important to me that we had clear rules about things and that we both knew that we couldn't have sex (I suppose I could haev started using birth control pills if I wanted, but I knew he was leaving for another country for grad school soon and didn't want to take things too fast, so decided against it.) Anyway...that really helped for me. However, since then, I have casually dated many guys (never had anything long-term with) and a lot of them wanted to get in my pants after the first date, or even just after meeting at a bar, etc. However, I wouldn't go home with a guy on the first date because that presumes that sex might happen....i.e. if you've been drinking with a guy and then he asks to take you home....saying "I only want to go to base 2" might not be that smart.... but it's up to you if you want to take that risk. I might have, if I were on birth control and ok with casual sex...I assume you're not that type of person though. But that's just to say that many people have different comfort levels and the 'bases' aren't all that clear in the heat of the moment, etc...it's good to have a discussion beforehand.

Yes. I am the same way and typically attracted to the 'alpha' male jerk types because they're hard to get. I don't know how to change... I tried asking one guy out who WASN'T like this, a really sweet guy, but he answered somewhat ambivalently back (like "no i can't make that day let's do another date' but never set the time type of thing.) So I decided I wasn't that much into him anyway and have now lost interest. And unfortunately I still like this other guy who I shouldn't but he's totally playing hard to get....we only really saw each other on facebook after I told him I wasn't interested in dating...but then on Valentine's day he disabled his account.....ugh. My advice? find guys who are sorta hard-to-get who you are attracted to, but also sweet & caring....not the jerk type. they probably exist..somewhere.

yeah that's what i was thinking as well...because I definitely like the chase, but when I meet a guy I really like who was hard to get, I stay with him...it's only when they are too clingy that I back off and break things off....I DO NOT like clingy guys. But guys who I am genuinely attracted to, I will not start to dislike once I start dating them because they're not 'hard to get' anymore... I think part of the problem may be that you are not so attracted to him, but were only attracted to the chase of getting to him?

hey sweetie, I know what you mean, I'm the say way!! We like the chase....do you find you're the type of girl who can get what she wants most of the time? I definitely like a challenge. But when you do get the guy you want, stick with him!! maybe you're feeling this way partly because you're not that attracted to him?

i don't get it.

Well thanks for the note of optimism Batya, i can always count on your for that.

I still have this persistent feeling that I won't find the right guy though. I don't know why. I have a feeling I'll get married in my mid-30s perhaps. Maybe because I am way too complicated for any guy to take an interest. And I have a too strong personality....but at the same time can be quite vulnerable. I'm just a mix of everything, it's so bizarre. I've only had 1 boyfriend....and i wasn't physically attracted to him. there's like one guy whose personality i really like and we get along though, but i am not physically attracted to him. i think if he were more attractive it could potentially work, and he's the closest so far... he's 27, in undergrad though, and I think I can relate to him because we're both sorta 'starting over' in a way and have ambitions of going to law school for alternative dispute resolution...(well. he is... it was something i considered at one point in time.) He's also very confident, witty and just has something 'off' that i really dig that makes him unique. But he'll always remain an acquaintance i think. it's tough. i'm not even aiming for perfection here, but just someone I can at least have some physical chemistry with and whose personality clicks....it seems impossible...

Ok. And just to be clear, I've decided I'm not going to be there on Saturday.

yeah you're right, i shouldn't overanalyze. but I just sent what he said (verbatim) to Batya and she basically thinks he doesn't sound that interested.. but was just being nice in response.

ok thanks. i'll likely be there around 11:00/11:30 anyway... so unless he works out then, we prob. won't meet. i guess that's for him to worry about though. as you said... i'll leave it in his court. thx

hey, no I asked if he wanted to meet on Thursday. He said that he can't, but he'll be at the gym again on Sat. and Sunday morning, if I want to drop by sometime then. which is sorta ambiguous about the timing........but oh well. so you don't think i should reply at all and say whether i'll be there or not? right now there's no plan to meet..

Thanks Batya... well i'll see. He didn't specify a time in the morning and I would feel weird asking him what time he works out now... maybe I shouldn't though. At the same time, as I live about an hour away, it's a bit hard for me to come down in the morning, depending on when he works out... afternoon is generally better for me. hmm.

Ok. So I took your advice and ASKED him out!!!! hahaha. Although it was in a very casual way. I just asked if he wanted to work out with me after my exam on Thursday, as it would be cool to see him instead of always wondering when we would meet...something like that. And he responded back that he's actually really busy before the weekend, but thanks for asking and it'd be cool to work out on sat./sunday morning with me instead if i want. I guess that's not so bad. I mean it was a pretty casual request to begin with, so he may not have even taken it as a 'date' per se. But secondly, I messaged him on Sunday... as he said he hopes to see me at the gym at some point, but was sick all last week so he didn't see me. And then I asked why he didn't seem that enthused to see me last time we met, and asked how this conference went if he attended. (That was the msg. to which he didn't respond.) So then he responded saying that by coincidence he was just writing me back at the same time (I sorta doubt it, but who knows, his status was 'online') and wrote me this realllly sweet response. Saying basically that he's always happy to see me whenever he does, he was probably just fatigued from his workout and ready to leave when I found him...something along those lines. So we'll see.....basically I don't think there's a point in forcing anything either. I have a feeling that there is some chemistry between us and as people were saying, I should just explore things even if it's not 'perfect' which is why I asked him out. But at the same time I still think something is missing...i'm not sure my more outgoing personality will match so well with his more studious and socially reserved persona, so we'll see. What do you guys think? I'm not sure if he asked his friend anything, I prob. shouldn't have asked him... i was secretly thinking of asking his friend to forward the msg. to him if he said he liked me, I didn't think of asking at all like you guys had!! Because I know guy friends of mine in the past have asked my friends if I was attracted to them "behind my back" so to speak, and I didn't care...but I see your point, I suppose. Lily

right, but i'm a girl and he is the one not asking me out. I am still attempting to have a conversation with him though, it's not like i'm ignoring him and asking my friend. I don't see anything wrong with it personally, it's an attempt to gather more info. about why he's not responding!

Well perhaps. His friend and I were both at his birthday party, so i thought he might say something about being attracted to me. I don't think it is 'highschoolish' to ask a 'third party' if we're both friends in any case.