Rysen

I had a bad day today...it's probably the worst day I've had since you decided you needed space. I was doing fine and had such clarity about the situation...until the last time we saw each other. When you told me that your messaging me to look for stuff that you thought was still at our old place, was just an excuse to see me. When you started to cry, because you felt so awful about yourself and didn't know how to get "you" back, and I held your hand while you vented to me, it broke my heart. It broke my heart because I hate seeing you so upset. I know, and agree, with the reasons behind you needing the time to focus on yourself and try and get "you" back, and I know that because I want more, there's a pressure that only makes the process more difficult for you. So I give you the space and time you need to sort it out. I know that things would just end up to what we were in the end if we try to rush this...I know that it would only end in heartbreak again until you're in a better place...but I still miss you. And it takes so much not to tell you how much I love you, and how much I miss you...but I won't...because I know that's what's needed right now. But I do. I love you and I miss you =/

I didn't realise people had replied! My apologies for not responding sooner. Yes, I no longer pine or think that she is the only girl I'll ever love. It's a good feeling to have, that's for sure but it took a really long time to get there....9 months to be exact. Anyway, the thing that helped me was just to live my life. I'm a musician and I used to be in bands all the time. I stopped performing music live for awhile, and when her and I were together I spent more time focusing on the things that I *thought* she wanted me to be doing. She never asked me to change or anything, I just always wanted to be a good boyfriend and want her to think highly of me, despite the fact that it was the way I was *before* that she fell in love with. In any event, I lost myself, at least I felt I did, and after a few months of being single I kind of rediscovered things about myself and consequently found happiness again without her. So I think all that worked, my confidence built-up, I kind of started seeing someone new and have been approached by a couple of others, and though none have worked out yet, it's made me feel better about myself and that helps a lot. So after all that time of losing my insecurity, when I finally saw my ex I was *myself* again, and the fact that seeing her felt like I was just catching up with an old friend...well that was kind of the icing on the cake. Anyway, my advice is to just live your life. If they come back, hey wonderful, if not, honestly, it's there loss. I think it says something when someone will put their thoughts, feelings and problems into the hands of complete strangers....I think people would be so lucky to have those that cared about them the way we do about our exes. But you know, some times it's just not meant to be and as shabazz said...there's so many people out there that we haven't even met that could very well be perfect for us. We just have to be patient and wait for that day, while focusing on the goals we've laid before ourselves, continuing to improve ourselves, and learn from the mistakes we've made in the past. Cheers, Rysen

Well folks, for those of you who have followed my story, I finally saw the ex today for the first time in almost 5 months. I finally heard back from her today after recieving an e-mail on Christmas Day asking if I wanted to get together. It turns out her boyfriend was over visiting from where she now goes to school, and since he doesn't know anyone over here (and she didn't want to bring him along to seeing me) she couldn't do anything until today. He's still here, but she heads back to school with him tomorrow and really wanted to see me so we met up at a coffee shop that's between where her and I live, right before dinner. The coffee shop was closed, so we ended up just sitting in her car and talking. She said that we could go back to her place if I wanted, but that she didn't think I would want to (because of her boyfriend) which I jokingly said "No. And still no." She laughed at that, and I really didn't feel that I showed a weakness. I just don't want to meet my "replacement", and I think she understands that. She gave me a big hug when she saw me, and it was really great to see her. But as I said before I went in with 0 expectations and you know what? I felt nothing. When I saw her....she was just another girl. It was like I didn't care that it was the first time I was going to see her in 5 months. We only talked for about half an hour, as I had to go and, the nice guy that I am, felt bad for making her boyfriend hang out with her parents for awhile. I love her parents to death, but her Mom can get really annoying after awhile. ^_^ haha. In any event, nothing about "us" came up, just what we had been up to these past months and what our plans were for the next year. I hugged her good-bye, told her it was really great to see her again, walked away and didn't turn back. I didn't need to....for whatever reason this meeting has given me what I needed to completely heal and move on. For the first time since we broke up 9 months ago...I didn't want her back. When I thought about us, I understood why it would have never worked, and I think about the life I lead today and how much I changed to try and be the person I thought she wanted me to be (not that she ever asked; I was alway too eager to please), and how unhappy I inevitably would have become. I'm myself today, and I'm learning a lot more as each day goes by. This meeting showed me that she wasn't the "one", but a damn good experience, and memories that I will cherrish for the rest of my life. I got closure from this meeting, and it feels really good. Although I know I still love her deep-down, and that there will always be a special place in my heart for her....I know our paths have taken off in different directions, and instead of hopeing for the past to come together, I'm looking forward to the future. A big *thank-you* goes out to all those who helped me since the very beginning on these boards. I don't know how I would've gotton through this without the guidance, advice and support of this community. You are all amazingly wonderful people who deserve nothing but the best. And to all those who are going through these terrible times: Keep your head up. I promise you, you will come out on top and find happiness again. I never thought I would see the day where I wouldn't want my ex back, where it wouldn't hurt every time we hung out, but it's happened, and I couldn't be happier. I wish you all the best in 2005! Cheers, Rysen

"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired." Thought I'd start off with some humor. I got that quote from a random IRC web site, so I'm not sure who the author is. Anyway, I think they do work, but I agree with what many have said that there is some other intention underneath. At least leading to the friendship. My best friend is a girl, who I tried to date...she said yes and then quickly changed her mind thinking it was "too weird", but after that we became really close friends and today are practically inseperable. The idea that it just "doesn't work" between us has been pushed into my mind so much that I don't really see her in any other light anymore, and as someone else said, I think of her more as a sister than anything. We're kind of flirty when we're together, but it never goes far. I've been mistaken for her boyfriend (I was recently asked if I was the "son-in-law to be" at a family get together I went to with her many times. We both find it funny. The worst was this summer when her and I went camping and I met a girl there who I became interested in...since it was just me and my friend in the same tent the other girl assumed that we were together and thought I was a big jerk for hitting on another girl right in front of my "girlfriend". Meanwhile it was my "girlfriend" who pushed me to even talk to the other girl. haha, oh well. In any event, we often talk about relationships and the opposite sex and it's truly a gem to have that insight...I don't know what I would do without her anymore. So totally, I think it can work as I'm living proof. Cheers, Rysen

Thanks for the replies switch and bdub, I appreciate them greatly. I replied to her e-mail telling her that I would like to get together this week (as she goes back to school this weekend), and asked her to give me a call when she gets home to finalise plans. So I will let you all know how it goes. Cheers, Rysen

Hey frank, I found myself feeling the same way when I was around your age. It was difficult for me to speak to girls...and whenever I found one I was interested in I would be too insecure and shy to talk to her. I thought about it a lot, and felt really lonely. I would just sit here on my computer at night, listen to music, and think about things. I always felt really unmotivated to do anything, really. I was too caught up in the idea that I needed a girlfriend to be happy. Well, I soon discovered that that wasn't true. I don't know what happened but one day I "woke up" and realised that if I spent as much energy on doing things to improve myself rather than think my about insecurities then I would be far better off. As a result I gained a lot more confidence in myself as I worked harder at things that interested me...mostly music. I spent a whole lot of energy composing, and learning piano, so one day while I was playing at school a girl noticed me. Because of my new found confidence, I was able to speak to her more easily, and after a couple of months we ended up dating for a year and a half. I attribute this to feeling better about myself, and not actively looking for someone. I found that the harder I tried the more lonlier I felt, so I just focused instead on improving myself and found it to be really rewarding. Basically, you *will* meet someone, this I can guaruntee, that you will hit it off with. You probably haven't met her yet, and it probably won't happen until you least expect it, but the point is it will happen some day. Until that time, focus on *you*. Set some goals to try and achieve and focus on obtaining those goals. As prosper said, the past is the past and there is nothing you can do to change it, but the what happens in the future is up to you. Think back to the experiences you've had and use them to shape your actions in the future. The rest will fall into place. Feel free to PM me any time you need someone to talk to. Cheers, -Rysen

Ah, I knew there was a reason I posted on here. Thanks for your reply. You've definitely put things into perspective...there was that faint shimmer of hope (despite me not really wanting to be in a relationship right now) that it meant more than just wanting to see me, so I ended up making a bigger deal out of it than it really was. But now that I read your post, I agree with everything that you wrote. She probably just misses me. I think I will meet up with her, as I know that I won't have that chance again for a very long time, and really...it doesn't hurt to think about her anymore. Even looking at the old photos seemed to bring back more fond memories than ones of sadness. Just to clarfiy though, we've been apart for about 9 months now, but I only did NC for the last 4. That was my fault for not mentioning that. Anyway, thanks for your reply and making things clearer for me. I shall go in with 0 expectations and only to catch up with an old friend. Cheers, -Rysen

Hi everyone, How was everybody's holidays? Mine have been interesting, to say the least, but generally enjoyable. As the title says, my ex broke NC recently. It was before Christmas so I was a bit surprised. It's kind of a long story how it came to happen, but around the beginning of December I logged into an old MSN account that I forgot she was on, and was not blocked. So, she basically messaged me right away saying that she wasn't sure if she should try and talk to me but that if I was up for it that she wanted to. I really didn't know what to do, but I figured since she started the conversation, it's been 4 months since we've had contact of any kind, I'm feeling better, it's the holidays...why not? So I replied. It was actually a really nice conversation. Nothing heavy, just casual catching up and talking about school, how finals were going, etc. I ended the conversation as I had to go, and was generally pleased that I didn't get upset and rather thought of it as just a conversation with an old friend I hadn't had in a long time. At the end though, she expressed that she had missed me a lot and that "there hasn't been a day that's gone by that [she] hasn't thought about [me]." Which was kind of nice to hear...I didn't really know how to respond so I just said it was nice talking to her again, and promptly went offline. Another week or so we end up in another conversation on MSN. She's home from school now for the holiday's and asked if she could see me before she went back to school. I wasn't too sure about the idea, but in all honesty I have a lot going on in my life so I politely replied that I wasn't sure if I was going to have any time as I am really busy these days. She then asked if the opportunity came to be, if I would be up to meeting with her. A part of me really would like to see her again...and since she goes to school in a different city now, the odds of us running into each other are slim to none, so I said that if we could find time that maybe we could go for a coffee one day. She seemed content with that answer and the conversation ended. That afternoon she appearntly called me for the first time in 4 months. I was out, but I saw her number on my call display. I later spoke with her best-friend (who is one of my closest friends) who asked if my ex had gotton a hold of me. I asked why she called, and appearntly it was because she wanted to plan getting together. It was Christmas Eve, I had a lot going on family wise, so I decided not to return her call and just enjoy my holidays. She e-mailed me Christmas night to wish me a Merry Christmas but also to say that she was going away with her family for a couple of days, but would return on the 28th. "Would you want to get together for awhile? Go for coffee or something? I would love to see you....but don't feel pressured." And that was it. In each instance she seems to make the request as though it were a new one and not one we had all ready discussed which has me kind of wondering, but I try not to think too much into it. She seems eager to see me, but also really nervous about even asking. As far as I know she is still seeing someone at her school, I'm about 90% sure, so I doubt that she is wanting to get back together or anything. I'm just wondering what people's thoughts are on this. Since she went away for school, I have been making quite a name for myself locally as a musician and have really been improving myself as an individual. I know she's been keeping "tabs" on me, via my livejournal, as she brought up a few things in our conversations which I had discussed in my journal and not to anyone in particular. Our relationship didn't end horribly, but I didn't want to break up. I understood that we are both young and that this was her first serious relationship so, despite the pain I could understand that she may be wondering what else is out there, so I really hold nothing against her. It's kind of funny, but to prepare for the chance that we do meet I decided to look at some old photo's of her. (First time since I asked for NC 4 months ago.) I ended up looking at the photos from a school trip she took a few days after we broke up...she looked so sad in each one... Anyway! Generally, I guess I'm wondering if a). I should go for coffee with her since I probably won't have a chance to see her again until the summer when she comes home and b). why do you suppose she's trying so hard to meet up with me after all this time? I would have assumed she'd be angry with me for asking for NC, but she seems incredibly eager to see me now that she has a chance. It's kind of confusing. Thanks to all who read and I apologise for the length. I really should start writing this stuff out as it happens instead of in one lump sum. ^_^ Happy Holiday's all, -Rysen

Hey blink, In my 100% honest opinion I think you should go for it. I can completely understand and relate to your apprehensions as they are the same fears that plagued me all through high school. However, I would always end up getting more upset at myself because I would wait for too long, then lose my chance. Back in grade 11, I met this girl who I absolutely fell head over heals for. We became really close, to the point where we would hang out/talk daily. I had wanted to ask her out, but I was scared of ruining our friendship. Then after a few months I finally had enough of it, and decided that life is too short to always wonder "what if...?", so I finally did it. She actually did say no, and yes I was upset for a little while, however, I felt waaay better finally letting it off my chest. For a week or so things were kind of weird between us, but today (2 years later) that same girl is also my best friend and we still talk/hang out all the time. The way I see it is that...how can you know if you never try? We all have to take risks some times, and if we're too afraid to take those risks well, we may be losing out on some of the greatest opportunities in our life. Besides, if she does decline then at least you know and can move on with your life. If your friendship is strong you both will move past it together and eventually may end up joking about it on a regular basis (much like my friend and myself.) Good luck in whatever you decide to do, but I'll say again: You never know unless you try. Cheers, Rysen

I have to agree with San. For me MSN was just as bad as talking to her on the phone or in person. I had to take the extra step of actually deleting her off my list on top of blocking her. Every time I saw her online it was just far too tempting to talk to her, and every time I did, the feelings came back. So, while you're still trying to move on it'd probably be best not to talk to her through any medium. I know how comforting it is to know that she's still thinking about you, believe me..I've definatley been there. But at the same time, the idea is to be over her, and get to the point where you won't care if she thinks about you or not. It's been 7 months for me, and I'm still not quite there...but I'm getting better every day, and I know that it's because we're no longer in contact of any kind. It prevents me from thinking about her, and the feelings. I think when the time is right, MSN could definitely be a good way of reopening communication, but for now, I would focus on yourself and your healing. Good luck Cheers, Rysen

Wow. You just described basically exactly what I've been feeling. From the ex right to college decisions. I'm currently enrolled in my first year, taking a computer science degree, but now that this term is nearly over I find myself realizing that this isn't what I want to do. My passion is music, and I've always been apart of music in some form or another, whether it be teaching, playing, or writing and yet...I decided to go in to computers? It was a security thing for me, really. I never had much growing up, and I always promised myself that I would give my children the opportunities I never had, so the idea was to try and get into a field where jobs are more abundant. Then, after a few months of unhappiness, boredom, and complete disinterest in the courses I'm taking, it hit me: I'm sacrificing for a family I don't even have yet....It's a lot of money to spend to do learn about something you don't really care too much for. In any event, I"m switching majors next year to music simply because...it just feels like that's what I should be doing. I think I'm going to become a teacher, and compose on the side, sending off demo tapes, etc. to various companies and hope for a bite. My ex and I have been apart for about 7-8 months now (I've lost count, which is a good thing!) and there are times when I really miss having her as well. But as tiger_lilies said I think it might be the comfort I miss. She too has a new boyfriend and has moved on. In a lot of ways I see him a far better match for her than I was (they have more in common, are in the same program in college, etc.) but there's still that feeling that I should be with her. It hurts, some times, to think about her with the new guy. It almost seems unfair, really. She ended it, broke my heart, left me so hurt that it was hard to get through a day without thinking about her or crying at least once (in the beginning), and yet, she found someone new, has moved on, is happy, and seemingly unphased by the fact that we're no longer together. It seems unfair that she should be the one that gets to find happiness when she's the one that made me so unhappy. But that's the mind of the "dumpee" I suppose. The best realization I've had since the break up is that...life is what you make it. And if choose to be miserable then you will be. This is why I've started to get back into the things I stopped doing when her and I were together, and have been trying to get together as much as possible with the friends I neglected during the relationship. I'm in a band again, and performing music, which I didn't do the entire year that her and I were together if only because I wanted to spend so much time with her, or if she were to ask me to come over I would drop everything and rush right over. Today I am happy again. Much happier than I have been in a really long time, and I think it's because I finally took control and started making an effort to be happy again. I started to look at myself and tried to figure out what it was that I did that made me happy *before* she was in my life. I think I've rediscovered a good majority of that, and consequently, have rediscovered myself, while also discovering new things that I didn't know before. It has been an extremely rewarding experience so far, and I know that I'm only just starting. Small town! My goodness yes! I've been living here for about 4 years as well. There's nothing to do, nowhere to meet people, I'm bored, and I want to leave. My closest friends all live in the town I used to live in which is about an hour drive away, and though I do get down there often...it's kind of a pain in that I can't really afford the gas, and my car isn't in the greatest of shape. =/ And most of my other friends are gone off to University. In any event...I guess I don't really have any advice but some times it's just nice to know that you're not alone. My plan is to switch majors to music, and move out of this town when I can afford it. I think tiger lilies had the best advice in that you should travel. The only problem with travel is the money, and I can completely relate to tuition fees and loans...the cost of education keeps getting higher every year. I saw a great quote on TV recently: "I can't afford to be smart." Despite school costs, I'm slowly accumilating a "Trip to Japan" fund. I've always wanted to go to Japan. My goal is to get there if not this year, then definitely next. Sorry for the length. I tend to just let my ideas flow when I write. ^_^; Good luck in all your future endeavours. And keep in mind that the world is full of wonderful people and exciting opportunities. You've just gotta get out there and find them. Cheers, -Rysen

For me I tend to find glasses very attractive, but I also wear glasses, so that could be the reason. I saw on a TV show somewhere that Da Vinci had a theory that the characteristics you find most physically attractive, on someone's face, are something you could find on your own. (or something to that affect, I don't quite remember...) so I always attributed the fact that because I wear glasses myself, I find them more attractive. It's a neat theory. I looked for awhile to see if I could find a link on that theory for people to read, but I came up empty-handed. =/ The girl I'm seeing now has glasses, but doesn't wear them very often at all. Although I think she's extremely attractive with out, I think she's even more attractive with them on. So, I guess it really just depends on the person. For me glasses rock!

Heya, I was in a similar situation with my ex...we were great friends before, and during our relationship. We both always feared that if something were to ever happen that our friendship would be ruined. So, when she ended it last spring, we both knew we wanted to be friends. Unfortunately, it was incredibly difficult on both of us. Well, I'm not sure how difficult it was on her, but I found it pretty harsh as I didn't want the break up, and all the while I constantly hoped for her to change her mind. I think that is why I tried to be her friend and still did really nice things for her. I guess I was trying to prove to her that I'm a really great guy, and that she should take me back. In any event, it hurt me every time I saw her. We'd hang out, have a great time, and I'd go home and cry...and I just started wondering if it was worth it any more. So, the day she left for University I told her I couldn't be her friend yet, that it still hurt me too much. I think that this is exactly what we needed. I'm not sure if it's the same for all people, but definitely in a lot of situations there needs to be a grace period where there is no contact, and each person can go and clear their head. My hope, and the words I told her that last time we spoke, is that, after enough time has passed, we could come together and start anew with a clean slate. People often change, so who's to say if she'll be even close to the same person the next time I talk to her? Sorry, for the long reply, I tend to be over-zealous in my writing. I guess my actual point is...as sprkal said you can't expect things to ever be the same between you two, but I honestly believe that you can build something new when enough time has passed, and you two feel you both are ready. That something new could be a great friendship, or a new relationship, you can never really tell. No, it'll never be the same as before but that doesn't mean that it can't be good again. As for your question, do you have to meet someone new in order to truly get over your ex...well I've often wondered that myself, and am still asking that question. I am kind of seeing someone new (but that's a whole different post it definitely no longer hurts as much, and every day that passes it gets better all the time, but I still think about her often enough that I still feel down from time to time. I'm not sure that it is the only solution to moving on, but I know it definitely helps. You're in a difficult situation here, and I can completely relate, I just know that for me the idea of a friendship with my ex isn't possible at this time. I'm just not ready, but I am confident that some day, if our paths were to cross again, that we could be great friends again. That time just isn't now. I wish you all the best. Cheers, -Rysen

Thank you all so very much for your kind words and support. I am so happy that I found this forum at the time that I did, because it has been a tremendous help to me in these hard times. It is truly inspiring to see so many strangers all around the world reach out and try to help each other in any way that they can. reflex: I've sent you a PM with the relative parts that wrote. Thanks again everyone. Cheers, Rysen

Thanks for the quick replies You both have made me feel a lot better about it. Rich: Did you get a reply from her? I didn't...so I think that's what's bothering me is that I don't know how she took it. I'm extremely close to her best-friend and could ask, I suppose, but I really don't want her friend involved anymore. I know she probably didn't take it well, and I can just picture her crying as she was reading it...it kills me to see her hurt in any way y'know? But you're right. At the end of the day you have to look out for yourself, and this is what I need to do to move on. uj2004: I completely understand what you mean about the two feelings that her contacting you gives you. For me it was either false hope, or hurt. Some times she would act like I was incredibly important, and it would feel like we were still together (false hope), and then the next time I would see her, she would ignore me, and act completely indifferent towards me. (hurt). And I also understand about maintaing that hope...that's another part of why I have doubts. I wonder if that because of this, I have closed the door on all chance of reconciliation....but I suppose at the end of the day, there comes a point where we all either get what we want, or take that last step needed to move on. Thanks guys. You really helped me feel better. I hope you guys feel better soon too. Cheers, Rysen

Hi everyone. It's been awhile since I've posted anything, but, things have been going really well for me. I had an epiphany one night, where I realised that by staying friends with my ex I was only hurting myself. I instituted NC, blocked and deleted her from my MSN list, have been moving on, feeling a whole lot better, and not missing her or thinking about her as much . I'm even seeing someone new, although it hasn't developed much and is still new, I can definitely see the potentional. In any event, I told my ex the last time I saw her (a few weeks ago), that it would be the last time I would see her before she left for University. I wished her luck, and said good-bye. That's the night I blocked and deleted her, etc. etc. I had been doing so well, until she e-mailed me a few nights ago declaring that she was seeing someone new, but also wrote a fairly long e-mail about how proud she was of me for making it to college, (My family isn't well off at all, and it took a year off, and a lot of hard to work in order for me to earn enough money.), how much I've grown since she's met me, and a lot of other really nice things that I really took to heart. The good news: It didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would knowing that she's seeing someone new. In fact, I found myself just wondering what the point was that she felt she had to tell me. I guess she would rather I hear it from her than someone else, but really, I just want to move on...and not drag things on anymore. I told her this in my reply, but I also gave her my congratulations. (I know, nice guy syndrome But at the end of the e-mail, on advice from her best friend, I decided that I should tell her that I'm not ready to be her friend yet. I told her that since our break up I have always tried my best to be there for her and keep her happy (if you click on my profile and read my previous posts, you'll see that i was always there at her every beg and call), and that in the end I was only hurting myself. I finally decided that we needed time apart. I told her how amazing I thought she was, and that I still think the world of her, but until I'm completely healed that it would be best if we didn't stay in contact. My feeling is that...one day we'll be able to come together with a clean slate, and start over as friends. I did it nicely, (I actually saved a copy for myself if anyone wants to read what I wrote), I wasn't mean or a jerk about it, I made sure that she understood I wasn't punishing her, hated her, or resented her in any way and I made it so I didn't come off as though I was still crying every night (which I'm not) and at no time did I ask for her back. I just asked for time a part so I could move on. I also wished her the very best of luck at University and told her I hoped for nothing but the best for her. She didn't reply, but, she did make a comment on my Live Journal under a University entry (the night I sent the e-mail) wishing me luck. But now I'm feeling like I made a huge mistake. I find I miss her a lot right now...and am just wondering if I did the right thing. I know that I'm not ready to hear about the new boyfriend yet, and if she were to ask for me back, I know that I would say yes. I guess I'm just looking for a little reassurance that this was the right thing to do, because at the time I felt so sure that it was...but now I'm second guessing it. Thanks everyone for reading and/or replying. It's nice to have a place that you can vent your feelings to. Cheers, Rysen

Well said raven. Best of luck. -Rysen

Thank you very much for replying. I agree with you on all points, and feel that I've probably known what to do all along. Some times my patience begins to wear a little thin....it's just nice to know that I have a place to go that has people who can remind me of consequences for actions that I think about doing, and keep me from making any mistakes. Thanks again to all those that have helped me and best of luck to everyone. Cheers, Rysen

Hey everyone, It's been awhile since I've talked about my situation but there really hasn't been all that much change until recently. I have been trying NC, not as a game, but as a way to heal. Although I'm always happy to talk to her, at the time, after it always seems to make me realise just how much I miss her, and how much I miss us. But recently things have been stirring up again, and she seems to be making more of an effort to talk to me, so I thought I would just write and see what people's opinions are. If you want some back story here are a couple of links to my story: link removed And: link removed Fast forward about a month after the grad banquet. I had an ex-girlfriend visit me recently from the town where I used to live. We weren't together long, around 2 months, as we decided we made better friends than lovers. This girl is probably the only person I still keep in touch with from my old town, and has become one of my closest friends. It was the first time in 4 years that I had seen her, and she stayed with me for a week. Her and I had been planning this visit for awhile, and so my current ex knew that she was coming before her and I broke up. I guess she forgot the date as she was really surprised when I told her that my friend was here. In any event, I hadn't talked to my current ex for around a week. Her finals were all last week, so I knew that I probably wouldn't hear from her as she was incredibly busy. Through out our relationship I had always woken up early with her, to talk to her before her major exams, try and calm her down as she stresses easily, etc. etc. Well this was the first time since her and I met that I didn't call or IM her the morning of her final. Partly due to the fact that my friend was here, and we had been out the night before, but also because....well it's not my place to be the one who does that anymore. For some reason I expected a phone call that night, and I got it. She called and started telling me about a camping trip that she was going on to celebrate finishing school with her friends, but then said "But the reason I called is because....", something that she always says every time she calls. She needed help with a computer problem and wanted me to come over and show her how to do it. I told her that I was busy, and when she asked what I was doing, I told her my friend was here. Well, she really, really wanted to meet my friend, and said if we were going out in anywhere to bring my friend by my ex's place to meet her, so I said "sure", knowing that my friend and I were staying in that night. My ex called again that night at around 10pm (which was extremely odd because she's very apologetic for calling any time past 9) and asked if I would bring her over so she could meet her. At first I said we were watching a movie and didn't feel like going anywhere, but when my ex sounded really upset, I caved and said "Well, maybe we could stop by for a few minutes." So that was fine. We had some tea, they talked about University, and my friend and I came home. Two days later my ex calls me again about the computer problem and asks me to come over. Now this computer problem could have been easily explained over the phone, but she insisted that I come over and show her what to do. So I did. It took 5 minutes, and then we just ended up hanging out for awhile. It was fun, and I had a good time. Tonight was her walk-up ceremony. I had no intentions of going and wasn't invited so I thought it would be nice just to send her a card with a couple of inspirational words about the future. I saw her at work today (I work for her father) and she seemed really excited to see me. She came and talked with me for awhile until I asked if we could talk over lunch as I should really be getting back to work. Normally her Mom makes all of us lunch but today my ex insisted that she make me lunch. So we had lunch and there was a lot of flirting, lots of tickling, etc. I gave her a big hug and told her that I was very proud of her, and excited as she was graduating, then I went home as I was finished all my work for the day. Half an hour later she calls and invites me to the ceremony. So I say "sure." She was running very late, so I did my best to help her with everything to the point where she was saying over and over again "I don't know what I would've done without you here. Thank you so much." Long story made somewhat short, she is now spending the night at the school for the Dry Grad events, but somehow needed to get her car home. So, I now have her car, as well as her purse, cell phone, and a bunch of other stuff that...well I don't think you'd normally leave with an ex. I guess this is a good sign that she feels she can really trust me with this valuable stuff, and she can, I've put it all in a corner and won't touch it again until I take her car home tomorrow, but at the same time, just...we act so much like we're still together, when we get together, and even special events like this, I'm still with her and her family, yet we're not "together" anymore. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't still in love with her, because I know I am. And there are moments when you can feel something still between us, but for whatever reason nothing more comes of it. I have been asked if I enjoy being her friend, and to a certain extent I do, but I know that I still want more, and that's why it still hurts a lot when our conversations or visits are over. So what can I do? I can easily control my emotions around her, and I never initiate contact or ask her to do things. It's always her, and I'm giving her as much space as I can, she's the one that always contacts me over what appears, at times, to be really silly things. I try my best to avoid her, and stay away, but NC never last much longer than a week before she calls or e-mails, and with summer here, I see her at work fairly frequently (although she starts a new job next week making it almost impossible for me to bump into her at work), so I dunno. I *have* sat her down, about a month ago, and asked her what was up, but all she said was that she wanted to be friends, and that she was sorry for confusing me. So i just don't know what to do, because she feels so close at times, but we are no longer together. I know we're both young, and she's probably feeling inexperienced (I was her first serious boyfriend, and only the 2nd she ever had), so I'm assuming that that is one of the main reasons why her and I broke up. But she expressed to me recently that she wishes she had more of a life, that it mostly consists of school, work, then home. I also recognize faults in myself that I have strived to improve. Mostly, being so clingy and needy, which is another purpose of NC: to try and prove to her that I'm working on that, and that I'm not that way anymore. I don't really know what I'm looking for here, this is really more of a rant than anything, but I'd appreciate any comments/advice any one would have on this situation. I don't really have many people to go to in person, as my friends, I think, are really tired of hearing about it. ^_^ Thanks to all to who read, and sorry about the length. I'm really over-zealous in my writing.

Hey Mix, The friends thing is really hard, even if you're moving on and/or had moved on. This I'm finding out first hand right now. My ex and I are on far better terms today than we have been in a long time. There was a point where we hung out every week day, (for an hour after I got off work), saw a movie together, went to a laccross game, and talked at least once a day. In other words, things were going really well for us, but in the back of my mind I kept wanting to talk about our relationship, what went wrong, where we're headed, etc. as she was sending me mixed signals. A friend of mine, who was really just looking out for me, asked her "What are your intentions with S?!" a few nights ago in an IM conversation with her while I was standing right behind her, so we ended up talking a bit about things, but....it was really awkward and hard, and...I just didn't think it was a good idea to do it yet, as nothing was really solved, except for the fact that her intentions were only to be friends right now. So now things are kind of weird again, even though we both promised we wouldn't let that evening ruin what we had going. We're still talking, and when we see each other everything is still fine...but I think the talk took us back a few steps. Nothing we can't get past, I'm sure, but I don't feel we were ready to talk about it yet. I was in a similar situation as you, where my ex broke up with me and told me she didn't ever want me out of her life, so she wanted to be friends. In fact when I told her that I couldn't offer her friendship for awhile (the night we broke up) she said she understood, but then asked "But we'll be friends some day right?" when I didn't answer, that's when she started crying. But, after that, even though I made attempts and attempts to be friendly towards her, she didn't seem to want anything to do with me. BASICALLY, (I tend to write a lot what I'm trying to say is that it takes a long time to try and build up a friendship with your ex again, but also it takes a long time for them to feel comfortable about the idea. My ex admitted to me that she was afraid to talk to me for awhile because she was worried that all I was going to do was try and persuade her to come back to me, or that I would try and make her feel guilty. I made her feel better about this by, a). leaving her alone and letting her contact me and b). when she did make contact, for whatever reason, just kept it light and happy and talked NOTHING about the relationship at all. Not even anything like "I just want you to be happy", etc. I would just talk to her like we never broke up at all (excluding the kisses and "I love you's" of course.) I think after regaining that trust and comfort level between your ex, then maybe you can start talking about what is that you did wrong in your relationship...but I honestly think that it would take a really long time to get to that point. It's great, by the way, that you want to do that, but at the same time, it's fairly obvious she wouldn't be ready, and even though you have the best intentions I don't think she would see it that way. I think it would probably best for you to leave her alone for awhile. I can understand what you mean about just coming back and say let's be friends whenever you want to...but at the same time, she's not feeling comfortable about the idea which leads me to believe that, like my ex, she's afraid....of exactly what, I'm not sure, and even my ex told me she didn't know why she was afraid at first, but for some reason she just wasn't ready to be friends. Which leads me to my final point (I promise some times, in the moment, saying you want to remain friends, really seems like a great idea. You think, hey yeah, I can do this, without much thought into what being friends entails. I wrote my ex a really long e-mail telling her that I still wanted to be her friend the day after she broke up with me, as that night I truly felt that it could work. After a little while, I started regretting sending that e-mail. ~_^ I just started realising what that meant, and I started to dislike the idea more and more. So basically, even though I said I wanted to remain friends, and truly felt that way at the time, it didn't end up happening for a couple of months, as I really wasn't ready, and neither was she. (I'm still not entirely sure I like being "just her friend" but it is getting better and that's a whole other thread anyway ) So just keep that in mind when you're thinking "She wanted it and now she acts like she doesn't". Just take every day as it comes, and look forward to the future. Keep busy. I know how hard this is, as my friends are usually too busy as well, so I often feel lonely too...but if you have "online" friends (like I have a chat room I visit on IRC and have made friends with a lot of the regulars) they're a great source of help too. Just try and be patient. She'll come around when she's ready. Cheers, Rysen

Yeah, our relationship was wonderful. We rarely argued, and if we did, it didn't take very long for us to make up. We both just had a hard time staying mad at each other. But that wasn't all, I got on with her family so well, still do as I work for her father, and I went on family trips with them, spent two Christmas' together, etc. etc. It was just a really loving relationship, that when she told me she felt that she was unhappy and it was "time", it really came as a complete surprise. But I guess that happens at this age, the desire for freedom, etc. I'm still not really sure why she ended it, but, I have to respect her decision. We went to that laccross game tonight. It was her, her father, her uncle and myself, and had a great time. I was worried that because of the "talk" we had the other night that things would be awkward between us, but they weren't. I had dinner at her place, helped her with the dishes and cleaning up her kitchen, then helped her with a couple of computer problems. She had some stuff to do, so I headed home. She also opened up to me tonight about something that was bothering her (which was nothing about me or us). It's the first time she's confided in me about things like that since we broke up, so I took that as a good sign that she's feeling a lot more comfortable around me. I'm really finding that it doesn't hurt as much when I leave. I still think about her often, but take comfort in the idea that she still wants me to be a part of her life. I'm almost excited about the idea of building a new friendship with her, and kind of look forward to seeing where things go. I know that a big part of me wants to see us together again, some day, but for some reason that talk really opened my eyes...it was almost as if now that I *know* she doesn't want to be anything more than friends, right now, that I no longer have to worry about what she's thinking, what her intentions are, etc. So...that is a heavy burden off my shoulder. I've tried my best to make it clear that if she ever wanted to try things again, that she would have to come to me about it, because it is not my place anymore. She knows I don't want to pressure her, and even last night I told her that I was waiting for her to talk to me about things. Well, as I said, I work for her father, and his business offices are on the same property as their home, so I often see her. By the time I get off work she's usually just getting home. I don't wait for her, if she's not there, but lately she's been there every day, so we've talked and seen each other every day. I find it ironic that one of the things that I was unhappy about in our relationship was the amount of time we spent together. She was usually a very busy girl and so, we couldn't get together very often. It's funny that now, in the last week, we've spent more time together then I think we did in the last two months our relationship. I'm also quite surprised by the amount of time we spend together, because I figured that the banquet was the last thing tieing us together. After that, I just assumed that we would drift apart, but if anything we have grown closer. But who knows what'll happen? I think I'm just going to try and be a good friend to her without any expectations, and I even found myself tonight not analizing things nearly as much as I would have before. Anywho, I'll keep posting if anything new develops and stick around and try and offer input/advice wherever I can, as I feel that this is a great community with a lot of wonderful people. However, I think this chapter in my life is now over. Time to see what the future holds. Cheers, Rysen

Well, it happened. We kind of had "the talk". It was forced, and not my decision to do it. I was at my ex's tonight, we went to see a movie together, and we ended up back at her place. She logged onto her IM, while I was there, and my best-friend logged on immediately. He asked her "What are your intentions with S?" To which she replied, "Just a second. He's still here." He said, "Look, forget it." and logged off. So there we were in a very awkward situation. But slowly we began to talk. She said "I've really been enjoying hanging out with you as friends. It's not uncomfortable and I have been having a lot of fun." She then asked if she had been confusing me, and I tried to play it cool but I did end up saying "Yeah, I think the biggest was the grad banquet." She said she was sorry that she had been confusing me and that it wasn't her intention at all. I told her that I know she wasn't trying to lead me on, and that I wasn't angry with her in any way. She asked me how I have been doing and I said that I'm doing much better than I was when we first broke up. (Which is the truth). I then asked her how she was doing, and she said that it took a really long time to start feeling better, but that she was feeling better these days. In any event her parents started talking to us from out of the room, so I asked if she would walk me to my car. She did, and nothing much else was said. I said, "I'm still kind of confused, but I've also been having a lot fun and I really don't want to screw anything up." "Then let's not let it." She then gave me a really big hug, and said good night. I sent her an e-mail when I got home telling her I was sorry for bring stuff up (even though it was kind of forced) and that please don't let this evening mess anything up, she replied right away saying "Don't worry. I won't let it." and that's the last I heard from her. So here I am. Tomorrow, we made plans to go to a laccross game with her family, so I don't really know how that's going to be. I really hope it's not awkward, but I gathered from our conversation that she really wants nothing more than friends right now. In that sense, I guess it was good that we talked, but, I still feel like....we shouldn't have had this talk yet. We were together for a year and 2 months, and have now been apart for almost 3 months, so, the hurt is still there for both of us...I'm just not sure what to do now. I need to heal and move on, I know, but I don't want her to think that I hate her. Especially since in a few months she's moving to go to University, and I guess I want to be on good terms with her before that happens. I guess this is just me updating my story, and not really looking for advice. I'm feeling pretty upset right now, because I have been having a lot of fun with her, and it's been nice having that friendship back...I'm just worried that we're going to go back to barely talking to each other again. Well, thanks for the advice and support everyone. These are tough times, and I truly feel for you all. First true loves are hardest aren't they? I guess that gives me hope that I'll never feel this bad anymore, because it really sucks. My heart goes out to all of you dealing with this right now, and thank you for taking the time to read this. Cheers, Rysen

Raider, I don't think you're off base at all. I've read a lot of your posts, they are incredibly insightful and I appreciate you taking the time to help me out. I don't think she's "distructive-behaviour confused"...but I think she might be confused though, yet at the same time, maybe it's not in my best interest to ask what's going on at this time. I mean, really, we've only just begun getting close again, so why should I risk that? After the grad banquet, I didn't talk to her at all the day after, not really by choice, but the next night when I signed on my IM she seemed very excited to talk to me. Perhaps throwing in a little NC right now is the best way to go. She did seem a little upset yesterday when she asked if I wanted to go see a movie with her and some mutual friends on Friday, and I had to turn her down because I'm going to a party with my best-friend that night. But, again, I don't want to look to much into it. Am I happy having her as a friend though? To a certain extent. I enjoy the fact that she'll actually talk to me, and when we do get together we always have a great time...but craigblitz is right that the tension is there because I do want more. The problem is that because I do want more, I think I might be reading into things more than I should be. So, I think I'll institute a little NC again, and just see what happens. Now that the banquet is over, we're no longer "tied" together (the reason I asked her to get together with me the first tme after our break up was so that we could try and be on better terms for the banquet), I won't have to feel so bad about it.... But yeah, I don't think I will ask her yet. I'll wait awhile longer and see what happens, and maybe in that time I won't even care. I almost did it though. I had made a deadline at 8pm tonight, to call and see if she wanted to go out for coffee. Thank god for this site! Thanks a bunch for your support and advice. Cheers, Rysen

Hey everyone. I decided that there really wasn't much of a point in starting a new thread so I'll just add on to this one. You can read above for my current situation, but a little more has happened and I am seeking people's opinions on the matter. We are getting along a lot better now, daily contact usually initiated by her, but some times me, and when we get together we're extremely flirty and act very couply. However, lately she has been distant again, and doesn't seem much interested in talking to me. This happened after another hour of us hanging out and being really flirty/couply,etc. I've accepted that our relationship is over. What we had before is gone, and that is not what I want to talk to her about. Rather, I just would like to talk to her about what's happening *NOW*. Her best-friend broke up with her boyfriend about a week before mine and my ex's break up, and is now doubting her decision, so she is trying to build a friendship up with her ex, to see where it goes. He was pretty upfront with her about asking "what's going on", and I asked her how that made her feel. She said she was incredibly nervous, but found that it was a good talk, that he deserved to know what was going on, and helped them both understand where they were at, at this time. Because she's my ex's best-friend I decided not to ask her if she thought that this would be a good idea for me to do, because...well I figured it'd get back to my ex before I had a chance to talk to her. I'm just wondering what people's opinions on this are. Should I just say "Hey, I've really been enjoying things between us lately, but I was just wondering what's happening?" or should I Just continue to deal with these hot and cold-mixed signals I seem to get from her, and see where it goes? As much as I really don't want to add any pressure on to her, I think that I could be able to ask this in such a way that it doesn't come off as me saying "I want you to make a decision right this minute!". The ambiguity is really starting to get to me, and I really feel like I deserve to know what's going on, but would it be wrong of me to ask? Thanks to all who read/and or reply. Cheers, Rysen

That's the attitude to have! I'm sure you'll meet some wonderful people while volunteering! Good luck with the guitar, and if you ever want someone to listen to some of your stuff, send me a PM! I've been composing music since I was 14, although my stuff is mostly instrumental, I love all types of music and definitely love hearing new stuff from aspiring composers. Take care, Rysen