Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 13

Thread: I feel unloved in my marriage

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Aug 2020
    Posts
    1

    I feel unloved in my marriage

    My husband and I have a 10 month old baby. We are currently living with his parents in Hawaii ( we live in Los Angeles) to get away from the craziness in LA. Since being here, I feel so neglected. After the baby, we hardly have sex anymore and my husband is not as affectionate anymore. Now that we are living with his parents, itís even worst . He doesnít even seem to want to have sex anymore, not affectionate at all . my love language is touch and when I donít get that, I donít feel loved. And when I donít feel loved, my attitude is just depressing. Now itís just all about our daughter now. Heís so loving toward her.
    When I talk to him about it, he said basically I donít get affection from him because i have attitude all the time. Itís like a cycle. I donít even know what to do . Should we move back to LA because then we at least have our own space, but staying here is great because we have help and the covid cases here are not as bad. He doesnít like to show PDA in front of his parents because they donít do that.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,603
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to hear that. Having an infant and most of all living with parents can put a damper on your sex life. Enjoy Hawaii and all the help and hopefully things will get back to normal when you are in your own place again.
    Originally Posted by Kate828
    My husband and I have a 10 month old baby. We are currently living with his parents

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    10,917
    How long do you two plan to stay in Hawaii?

    Were there problems between you and your husband before your baby arrived?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    52,351
    Perhaps you are a bit too attached to the kind of trendy "love language" analysis so that you're not open minded about other ways to show love? Do you feel loved by your infant even though the infant might not know so much yet to initiate touch, to give love by touching you? For example? Loving is giving much more than a feeling -how do you give to your husband? Do you give him enough space to come to you? I feel cared for when my husband replaces the garbage bag so that when I come back from the incinerator it's already in there and I can toss the napkin I used to open the incinerator door. I only have to tell him I'm taking out the garbage and don't have to ask. I have no idea what my love language is. Or his. I just do things and he does things that show that we're there for each other. Like the garbage bag. Another example. Our 11 year old had a bad dream last night that took place in a local Starbucks apparently. Anyway, my husband slept in his room at 3am instead of waking me. Silently. (I knew because I woke up but it wasn't their fault). Oh and the other day I left him a tiny piece of chocolate pudding cake even though I really wanted to finish it.

    I don't think it's fair to set up this dynamic where you get all petulant if you don't get the precise way you must be shown love. Or that you believe is the only way. I think you're getting in your own way to an extent. And please show as much gratitude as possible to your in laws when they help you for free with their grandchild!

    (Of course it's hard times -for so so many of us- us too!! - but I don't think this is all related to that other than you relocated because of COVID)

  5.  

  6. #5

    Join Date
    Aug 2020
    Posts
    2
    This sounds very familiar. My husband & i have struggled with this over the course of my pregnancy. He needs to be touched sexually to feel loved whereas I do not. Since being pregnant my libido has dramatically diminished and subsequently he isn't feeling good and quite possibly feeling down like you feel. The problem is that because I do not have the same love language I see his reaction insulting because it makes me feel like I'm just here for the play times if that makes sense. Which obviously doesn't do anything good for my already low libido.
    My advise as someone on the other side would be to click into his love language. For me, this can be as simple as a nice day out or a little compliment here and there that isn't based on my looks. This can help soften what I guess you could call a punishment wall, because I realise that he isn't using me for my body. Its just his language.

    I hope that made some sort of sense.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    4,443
    Gender
    Female
    He relayed something to you, that you have a bad attitude, so think about how he's perceiving you and try and improve on that. I know people have pointed out things to me that they thought of me, both good and bad, that surprised me. When it was bad, I did make efforts to improve my behavior.

    If your in-laws are willing to babysit once a week, arrange a date day/night. Perhaps after you've chosen the activity, he can be the one to come up with something the next week. Take a hike. Pack a picnic. Swim in the ocean. Of course, these things can also be done at times as a family unit.

    A child can't be happy if her parents aren't. Try to carve out that adult time, and put your efforts into reconnecting emotionally. If you put in the effort, he should feel good about that and comply. Compliment him on appearance and how good a father he is. If he does reach out to hold your hand, reward him with a smile and a hand squeeze. People repeat what makes them feel good. And do feel free to ask for what you want. If your back hurts, ask him for a back rub.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    6,440
    I have a 23 month old and am hitting the terrible twos/parenting conflict... I feel you.

    It is not uncommon for a coupleís sex life to dip after having a baby. Lots of stress and new priorities. The bad news is that it can be that way for a couple years. Children really take a toll on a marriage.

    As for the ďattitude,Ē you all got stress and the pandemic is making it worse. Itís like that for many families now. You might even have Postpartum, so have it checked out. Find some ways where you both can unwind that doesnít involve sex right now... but the focus is reconnecting your relationship. If you are living with his family, have them look after the baby and go out somewhere with just the two of you (a park, the beach, outdoor restaurant if theyíre open). Mommas need a break too and should not be shamed for it

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    4,543
    He may have some anxiety or anxiousness about how you'll react to different scenarios if you're moody. This is a turn off and stressful for others who feel like they haven't done anything wrong towards you, very frustrating also. He may be feeling a bit robbed of his masculinity and he doesn't now how to act around you either. I think you should practice finding joy in every day things and learn take care of yourself in terms of your moods. Our partners can't do that for us all the time, nor should they be made to feel like they have to.

    Come together as a couple for an hour or two each day - either make it a habit to go out for a short walk together or do something together that's meaningful where both of you get to feel loved and loving. It may not always have to do with sex or physical affection. Some days it's deeper communication and being able to laugh a lot about a few ridiculous things you've both opened up to each other about or that happened in your day.

    It's common for couples to stop seeing their partner as individuals and to stop communicating as individuals after awhile. He or she becomes part of the house or the family and you see each other but you don't really see the other person.

    If you both haven't been affectionate in awhile, try to manage your expectations also as you come closer together. You may not be ripping each others' clothes off or doing any heavy petting, kissing or other affections right away. Think about this for awhile - wouldn't that feel completely unnatural? Let your affection and love slowly rekindle bit by bit and be patient with each other. I think managing those expectations right from the get-go will slow your cycles swinging from ever-hopeful to completely crushed. Be willing to slowly rebuild that close bond.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Posts
    2,323
    Gender
    Female
    Psychologically speaking, pregnancy and motherhood can make a man's brain emotionally change towards you. What's happening (possibly) is that, he's having trouble seeing you as a sexy partner. Some men do struggle with this...and even women too! It can be embarrassing for them for having such feelings. To boot, living with his parents is most likely is making things worse. Men think differently than we do, especially what affects them and how they deal with it,...it can be a mystery/confusing to us women. The only way to know what's going through his mind is to talk to him, but approach in a calm way, make him feel comfortable and promise not to judge. If he doesn't want to talk, then suggest couples counseling or get counseling for yourself. Remember, no one is a mind reader, communication is key to a successful relationship/marriage.

  11. 08-13-2020, 10:23 AM

  12. #10
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Heaven
    Posts
    814
    Gender
    Male
    I just do things and he does things that show that we're there for each other.
    that --^

    You need to do this more often i know sex is important but the intimacy and sense of belonging comes only when we do things for us.
    it could be anything him cooking a nice meal for you or you doing something for him you know, also do appreciate each other for that, sometimes we forget that too.
    All comes from small small things we do for us, we sometimes ignore the impact of small things and then the things you want comes automatically.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •