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Thread: Nothing in common with GF of three years

  1. #11

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry about this.

    Big picture? Some relationships just run their course, and not every relationship is meant to last forever. That doesn't mean they have "failed" so much as reached the limitations of their "success." I can't help but think that you'd benefit from thinking about how you measure relationshipsóor, really, of your own role in themóless judgmentally, less narrowly.

    It's human that, when we get hurt doing something we love, our first reaction to stop doing it. Let's say you break your arm next time you go climbing. Odds are you might be a little skittish to get back on the rock, even once the arm is fully healed, since the emotional pain is still potent. So you take up knitting for a bitóno risk of a broken arm there!óat least until you realize you need to climb to be you. You then go about climbing with a little more wisdom and intention, so the inherent risks can be embraced and you can live your one and only life being true to yourself rather than afraid of being hurt.

    My impression here is that this relationship might be a bit like that, a climber seeing if he can find spiritual fulfillment with knitting in order to learn that, alas, he needs to be on the rock. Or, less metaphorically: it seems that in her you chose something that seemed "safe" and "failure-proof," at the expense of someone who fired all the synapses required for sustained, expansive connection. If there's a lesson there, I'd say it's about the dangers of safety.

    Like lost, I'm curious if this has ever been discussed? That said, being completely honest, I'm not sure of the degree to which these things can be discussed. People are who they are, and reveal themselves to you over time, just as time reveals how well two people operate, or don't. Sometimes the hardest discussion is the one we have to have with ourselves, from time to time, about what it is that time has revealed, or failed to.
    Very struck by your wisdom. Wow. Found myself nodding along with all of that. Thank you!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Momoba
    I donít want to put too much personally identifiable info down, but Iíll say that Iím of an age where Iím beginning to see many friends having children and making family lives. Iím beginning to sense that Iím falling behind in that respect, actually. Some might say that at my age, I should have got my life together... so itís a cause of some shame, probably, that I seemingly havenít yet. She is (slightly) younger... she does want children, and is conscious that her clock is ticking.
    It's not a competition, all this.

    It seems like you're trying to create the depths that are lacking in your relationship by prostrating yourself and obsessing over your sadness. Dangerous loop, that one, and I'd say it's the sort of loop that gets spun through incompatibility more than anything else.

    No, a partner doesn't need to be the center of your social/intellectual/cultural lifeósince you are that centeróbut it's not exactly a big ask to want to connect on those planes. I'd call it baseline, actually, right there next to "nice" and "caring." Doesn't have to be binary, in short.

  3. #13

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    > You don't even seem to like her, let alone respect her. Half of your post is you complaining that she is around all the time as if you hate her company.

    Thatís a bit harsh. I do like her and respect her very much. I think everyone needs some personal time (at home), thatís all.

    > Don't treat this as failure, but rather as personal growth, an important life lesson. You can have kind but also more into the things you are into. So many women are into arts, outdoors, etc - it's really not hard to find them just by participating in the interests you list.

    Thatís probably true, and thank you!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Momoba
    > You don't even seem to like her, let alone respect her. Half of your post is you complaining that she is around all the time as if you hate her company.

    Thatís a bit harsh. I do like her and respect her very much. I think everyone needs some personal time (at home), thatís all.

    > Don't treat this as failure, but rather as personal growth, an important life lesson. You can have kind but also more into the things you are into. So many women are into arts, outdoors, etc - it's really not hard to find them just by participating in the interests you list.

    Thatís probably true, and thank you!
    Hate may be too strong a word, but you definitely sound suffocated. The thing with that is that when you are with the right person, you won't feel like that. Yes, we all need space and I tend to like mine a lot. What I can tell you from experience though, is that when I'm with the right guy, we can be in the same room and give each other space and not feel irritated or suffocated. However, with the wrong guy, he might not even be in the same room or in the house, a simple text and I get that "OMG, can't you give me some space." feeling. That sense of needing to breathe, needing space is pretty much a visceral reaction to being around someone you really don't like enough.

    The relationship has run its course and the sooner you end it, the less damage done in terms of finding new partners who are more right and building the life that you both want respectively with other better matches. Right now, you are just holding each other back from that.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Momoba
    > Why would you move in with someone you can't really communicate with?

    We can communicate... itís just when things move beyond surface level stuff that we struggle. I wasnít completely aware of this at first as I was trying to focus on the good stuff... but also because I was trying to live by the other thing you mentioned: that a partner shouldnít necessarily be the centre of my social, intellectual, cultural life, nor need to be involved in everything I am interested in.

    > You also need to address your own sadness, loneliness and manage your own feelings. if you are struggling with depression or stress, stop blaming her

    I agree, hence really second guessing whether this is a genuine compatibility issue or more down to personal shortcomings. Sometimes Iím convinced itís the former, and other times think it might be the latter.
    You can't get around this by going to extremes. Of course she doesn't have to be everything to you -that's silly. So I have an example that might resonate with you. My husband and I have always been able to have interesting conversations for all these years even though we have some divergent interests (he's a Trekkie for one thing and I am not although I've watched some episodes). But then we had a baby. And I became a stay at home mom after being employed full time mostly at an intense career for almost 20 years. I was over the moon being a mom, with my son -I was all about motherhood and my child and -wow. And I knew right away I didn't want to be a person who became this boring mush of motherhood, only talking about my child, only interested in parenting/mother topics, only being friends with "mom friends". Ick. So I took proactive steps to avoid that as best I could -I kept up on current events, I started reading a very literary weekly magazine again, I kept up with my non-parent friends so i talked about anything but my child (other than to my sister, my mother and my inlaws -they only wanted to hear about him LOL).

    I feel that this is my obligation -to stay vital, interested, interesting, for my partner - and for me! I strongly suggest based on what you wrote that you seek out someone who feels that way and who acts that way. Kind is awesome - find someone kind too (and/or get a kitten).

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Whose country do you live in and why don't you speak the same language? Did you meet on a bride site or work/school? Are you both residents of whatever place you live now?

    You've had 3 years to improve language skills, however when you love someone, language usually isn't that big a barrier. However you need to be able to be able to communicate past 'where's the train station", in order to understand the nuances of another's culture, feelings, mentality, values etc..
    Originally Posted by Momoba
    We can communicate... itís just when things move beyond surface level stuff that we struggle.

  8. #17

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Whose country do you live in and why don't you speak the same language? Did you meet on a bride site or work/school? Are you both residents of whatever place you live now?
    Hah, no... we met on a regular dating site. I didnít mean literally, at least not in terms of language. Her English is perfect, as sheís lived in this country for over a decade. I meant in the spiritual, philosophical sense - or in terms of discussing ideas about the world, popular culture, society or history etc.

  9. #18
    Gold Member Betterwithout's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Some relationships just run their course, and not every relationship is meant to last forever. That doesn't mean they have "failed" so much as reached the limitations of their "success."
    That is some pure wisdom.

    Same thing happens with platonic relationships. Sometimes people's needs change or a particular occasion or life event causes friction or incompatibility between friends, even close ones.
    With closer relationships this can happen too, and I think you have become good friends, but lacking that important intimate human connection.

    Can you arrange a good sit down conversation with her and discuss your feelings? This will go either of two ways..
    1) it will mark the beginning of the end of the relationship
    2) she will promise to change to be a better fit for you (but realistically can this really happen?)

    Never fear "failure" of a relationships, if this relationship does end, you both can discover different people that can't get enough of each other.

  10. #19
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    You guys do not seem compatible. Can you imagine a lifetime of this?

  11. #20

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    Just want to say Iím really touched by the kindness on display in this forum. Really appreciate all your advice. Thank you all. Yes, Iíll try to have a talk with her to discuss these things soon.

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