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Thread: Feeling guilty and wrong towards ex. Should I contact?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Xtina001
    I am still friendly with all of my exes but when it comes to him, I feel like he resents me for turning my back on him and not appreciating him.
    I would look at this a bit differently.

    Those other exes? Perhaps your connection with them was simply healthier, richer, more mature, while everything you're feeling right now, to say nothing of this obsession with maudlin social media performance art, is simply more evidence that the relationship you're currently mourning was constructed with iffier fibers: unhealthy ones, immature ones. Not the most fun pill to swallow, I know, but a pill that might contain a bit of the thing you're calling closure.

    I guess from where I sit, you are essentially considering actions that are outside your natural plane of maturity—that, in short, require you to behave in an immature manner—in order to connect with him. Think about that for a minute, and reflect back over your time together and the eventual fissures that led to it coming apart. If what it needed to work—or if what's needed now to strike some note of mutual understanding—is you maturing backwards, what good does that do?

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Xtina001
    After the third month we had a big blowout because my then boyfriend accused me of causing issues over petty things. Apparently he’d been struggling with this feeling for a while now but bottled it up until that one moment after 3 months.
    If you remove the current sting of loneliness and a feeling of rejection - do you agree with his assessment? It's hard to be objective when we're in the middle of it, I realize, but what sort of things were upsetting you or causing issues between you two?

  3. #13

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    If you remove the current sting of loneliness and a feeling of rejection - do you agree with his assessment? It's hard to be objective when we're in the middle of it, I realize, but what sort of things were upsetting you or causing issues between you two?
    I do agree with him to some degree. But I think that if he communicated his annoyance with me differently, I could’ve understood him better.

    I must say that all of your comments really helped me get perspective because it led to the realization that we were indeed incompatible.
    Looking back at it his way of communicating was immature and actually very toxic. He was verbally aggressive towards the end and could not hold his composure, which led to me not understanding what the point was he was trying to make. I also know that while we were together I DID my best, even during the fights I kept my calm to try and solve things and never said/did anything hurtful. So when things end there is no need to try and be “the good ex”. Things ended for a reason.

    I now realize that it’s really not about him. It’s about me being scared of not finding someone else who wants the same things I do. Because it took me 6 years since my last boyfriend to find him, someone who wanted the same things. I’m just afraid it’s going to take me another 6 years. If you guys have some encouraging words to help me keep my faith, that would be very much appreciated!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Xtina001
    He wasn’t showing his carefree self but was posting quotes and lyrics such as “call me when you need me” and “whatever you do, don’t give up on us”.
    semantics.. . you both are posting stuff to bait each other. But you deny that's your intention

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  6. #15

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    I agree with him to some degree. But I do think that if he communicated his annoyance with me in a more mature way, it would’ve enabled me to be more understanding.

    All of your comments really helped me a lot and helped me gain perspective. So thank you all for the input. I’ve come to the realization that we were indeed incompatible. His way of communicating was immature and actually very toxic. He was verbally aggressive towards the end and couldn’t hold his composure. This led to me not understanding what the point was he was trying to make.

    I know that I did the best I could while we were together. Even during our fights and his rants I remained calm and tried to solve whatever it was that was bothering him. That should be enough. There’s no point in being “the good ex” afterwards of regress to his level of maturity to keep this relationship going.

    I now realize it’s really not about him. It’s about me being scared of not finding someone else who wants the same things I want. Because it took me 6 years to find him who was on the same wavelength as I was. I’m afraid it will take me another 6 years (or longer) to find someone else. If you guys have some encouraging words left to help me keep my faith, it will be very much appreciated!

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok, let sleeping dogs lie and delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Dragging it out hampers your healing and moving forward.
    Originally Posted by Xtina001
    His way of communicating was immature and actually very toxic.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Xtina001
    I now realize it’s really not about him. It’s about me being scared of not finding someone else who wants the same things I want. Because it took me 6 years to find him who was on the same wavelength as I was. I’m afraid it will take me another 6 years (or longer) to find someone else. If you guys have some encouraging words left to help me keep my faith, it will be very much appreciated!
    I don't know your dating history, of course, but I think some perspective might be encouraging here. When you have something that is nosediving at three months, and crashing at four, I think it's safe to say that what you have is two people on drastically different wavelengths. Happens. Always a bummer. Still, not a verdict on you, or him, or something to mentally define as the missed connection of the ages.

    The connection you're seeking—and moving on and letting this go will bring you closer, as it's out there!—will still be setting off toward the clouds at the time this one was plummeting back to earth.

  9. #18
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    Closure is important if you think its important, otherwise you don't need it to move on. Its not needed or required. You just want to balance your chi and its for your benefit and not really for his. What Im trying to say is that you are using the "closure" angle to make you feel better.

    Now, I know what you mean. It ended with so many questions than you have answers. You might not want him but there is some things in your mind that are unfinished and I know you want to say things to your X. So if I may offer advice this is what I would tell you.

    Relax. Eventually in time, when the dust settles and you two have emotionally moved on, you will run into one another and probably talk and get what you want to say out in the open. Its just not when you want it.. but eventually you will have your say. So take a deep breath and relax.

    Rather than trying to figure out what happened and trying to diagnose everything, why cant you just accept the moment and say "It just didn't work out"? That's the truth isn't it? You two were just not meant to be with one another, meant to be with other people and it didn't work out. That's your closure, that's how you move on. No loose ends to tie, nothing to say you shrug your shoulders and say It didn't work out, had some good times and you learn from it and you move on. If you made mistakes, you reflect and try not to make them again in the next relationship.

    Break ups suck. I feel your pain and know where you are. But go back to the basics and that's simplicity. Meaning, you accept the current situation, don't try to change the past, don't try to control the future with your X and you turn the page and start a new chapter. You can do it.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I'm a letter writer.
    That gives me closure. I wrote it down and said everything I've ever wanted to say and then some. Outrageously so at times.
    . . And, you guessed it. I never sent them.
    I'd word vomit all over in type and promise myself a determined amount of time before sending it.
    I've never sent them. Grateful I didn't and even more grateful that it felt exersizing for having done so and for getting to the other side on my own.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Speaking only for myself, I have zero interest in trying to control an ex's perceptions of me after the fact.

    Whoever was right, wrong, misunderstood, etc. is irrelevant--he's an EX.

    Reaching out now will only confirm his idea of you as controlling, because you want to drill into a dead horse just to control a new narrative. And for what?

    Leave him alone, and take your lessons forward to create your own closure. An ex can't give that to you.

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