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Tangerinez

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  1. S, I know all you wanted to for a long time ago is catch up. We have been in minimal contact since breaking up for years now. This time you wanted to get deeper into what we've been up to all this time. I really didn't want to. As many others like me, I'm jobless and my car was just totaled. A feeling that although possibly superficial, no man ever wants to be in that situation especially if its to "catch up". What a ing loser. It was possibly over 2 years since we called each other. I was too nervous to talk to you and ended up drinking so much that I don't even remember what I said. I know I slipped out that I still have feelings for you, which surprised you, while you possibly saying you were over it. You told me we shouldn't speak too much because it "messes with our heads." I'm not sure what that means and all this time I never contacted you once. It was you contacting me every 6 or so months. Each time I was slightly irked not knowing your intentions. Had I known you were really not interested and just wanted to speak as friends I would have worked on those feelings to match. In this blacked out but functioning state I most likely had it and told you to just stop ing talking to me. I probably told you I'd never block you and that you would have to block me. I am completely guessing that we started arguing and I said that. Had I known what I said it wouldn't be so difficult. I am now left here blocked from everything without knowing exactly what even happened. I guess I got what I asked for.. but didn't want it now that it's realized. The only clue I have is me actually typing out "stop messaging me", "lets not talk anymore" before calling. I don't wan't to toss 8 years away over what was maybe 10 minutes of talking, I have no clue. I am at least eating again.. which I couldn't for 2 weeks. I didn't want to even shower or brush my teeth. Just laying in bed all day flooded with regret and what ifs, sweating out all my shirts. I am really hoping that if never speaking is the way to go.. we can have a conversation that I actually remember.
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