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Thread: My boyfriend can't decide if I am attractive or not

  1. #1
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    My boyfriend can't decide if I am attractive or not

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly two years. He's a person without a filter on what he says. He says some nice things, but it is the very negative things that stick in my mind. I am wondering if I am giving him too hard of a time.

    It ranges what he says from 'not being his usual type' to not being as attractive as my friends. I have wanted breast enlargement in the past (I don't now and have not mentioned it in a while) but he does say he'll pay for it, unprompted. The last time that happened I just left the situation. Things have been said like I look like a slug, I really am quite fat (not that I care but it's sad he calls me up on it), I wear too much make-up.

    But he also says things like I really am very beautiful/I'm very pretty. I've got great hair, eyes, he likes my clothes.

    It's just got the point I am wondering if I can take anything nice he says seriously when he has said such negative things in the past. I am just very confused about it. If I ask, he says he loves my body, but then he can say in the next breath that I am eating too much. What do you think?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Your relationship seems full of problems:
    [Register to see the link]

    Do you stay with him because you don't want to be single? Why DO you stay with him? Other than the standard "But I LOVE him!" or "We have so much in common."

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    Of course he has a filter. He just chooses to make rude and offensive comments to you. Why do you lack a backbone and why do you tolerate this kind of treatment?

    Do you ask him for advice on your weight or looks? Is he a medical doctor or nutritionist?

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Your relationship seems full of problems:
    [Register to see the link]

    Do you stay with him because you don't want to be single? Why DO you stay with him? Other than the standard "But I LOVE him!" or "We have so much in common."

    Guilty. Not really because I don't want to be single, more because there's some great highs. I owe him a lot too. Feels a bit bad to just leave it

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    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Grimes.

    Why are you still with this individual?
    He sounds like he is 15!

    "It ranges what he says from 'not being his usual type' to not being as attractive as my friends."



    You don't owe him anything OP. But you do owe yourself a lot. This body image issue. Do you fear no one else would take up with you because you are "fat".

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Why do you tolerate this? Serious question.

    I would never insult or criticize another human's looks. Let alone someone I care for. Who the heck is this guy to judge? Yes. Physical attraction is important and usually caused people to get together. But that's where it ends. It's no one's place to judge of degrade you. If they do, they are a rude jerk that deserves to be dumped!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Grimes
    Guilty. Not really because I don't want to be single, more because there's some great highs. I owe him a lot too. Feels a bit bad to just leave it
    What exactly would you be "leaving"? Someone who says he wants to live with you and then abruptly changes his mind, leaving you hanging? Someone who insults your physical appearance?

    How much money do you owe him? Can you set up a repayment plan?

    And you can be with someone who gives you the "highs" without insulting you or deceiving you.

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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Grimes.

    Why are you still with this individual?
    He sounds like he is 15!

    "It ranges what he says from 'not being his usual type' to not being as attractive as my friends."



    You don't owe him anything OP. But you do owe yourself a lot. This body image issue. Do you fear no one else would take up with you because you are "fat".

    I know, it's not a great reflection on me.

    The self-esteem thing is difficult and long standing, I don't fear others won't take up with me because how I look. Others have told me I am the more attractive of the pair, not that it matters to me. It's more I don't like my personality or achievements, which is maybe why I put up with it

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    What exactly would you be "leaving"? Someone who says he wants to live with you and then abruptly changes his mind, leaving you hanging? Someone who insults your physical appearance?

    How much money do you owe him? Can you set up a repayment plan?

    And you can be with someone who gives you the "highs" without insulting you or deceiving you.

    It's more I have stuggled quite a bit in the past. I don't really have family because of abuse. It feels a bit daunting to start again and let another person know all that. Or that they'd want to stay after with my personality etc.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    How is putting up with an abusive jerk who tears you down constantly going to help you move on, gain confidence, achieve what you want in life and otherwise feel safe? You are with him only because that's what's familiar to you. Unfortunately, all that does is hold you down.

    How about instead of worrying about starting over with someone else, you decide to be single and take care of yourself. Set some goals and reach them - solo. Don't like your personality? Work and change what you don't like so that you do start to like yourself. Give yourself the freedom to set yourself straight and accomplish what you want. When you do that, you'll find that you'll attract completely different people to you - happy, sane, nice, kind, people who support and encourage you rather than tear you down.

    Go grab life by the horns and you'll find that you longer have time or patience for jerks.

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