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Thread: Gf is friends with someone I've had a lot of problems with

  1. #1

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    Gf is friends with someone I've had a lot of problems with

    Ok so the title is very vague, so let me go into details. I'll refer to my gf as Anna and the other friend as Jake. So I've known Jake for two years, and so have some of my other friends. Anna came into my life around 5 months ago, but we didn't start dating at that time. An important detail to put here is that I live in a different state than Anna. We used to go to the same school but I moved. All of these interactions that I'm talking about now are online. So, over time, our friend group came to realize that Jake is a toxic friend. We want to remove him for good from our group. Another detail is that Jake goes to a different school than all the other friends, but they're all in the same state. It's just me who had moved.

    So this is what's happening now. My gf can see that Jake has caused me a lot of pain and that I don't want to talk to him anymore. She respects that and she says that she won't be bringing him into my life. However, she still believes in him and thinks that he can change into a better person. She wants to give him more chances. She wants to remain friends with him. Another important thing to note is that my gf feels that Jake is one of the only people who can understand how she feels sometimes. She doesn't really go to him with her emotional problems, but she says that he feels similar things sometimes. This only worries me because I'm afraid that she'll feel closer with him at some point and drift further from me.

    Another thing that upsets me about this is that she'll sometimes want to spend time with him over me. For example, yesterday, he texted both of us if we wanted to watch a movie with him online that he would stream. She hadn't watched that movie before and really wanted to watch, but I didn't want to since he was there. I also didn't want to be left alone if she went to watch it. I think she might've went with one of my other friends too, if he had said yes, but she didn't go because I had the movie too and I could stream it. We actually didn't watch the movie but instead I talked to her about how I felt.

    There are some more things that happened with Jake. Once I started dating Anna, I saw him start making small flirty jokes over time. He also said some things to me that were lies about Anna and he said those to create anxiety inside of me.

    Anna said that she feels "compelled" to be his friend. She feels that he needs someone who can understand and help him at the end of the day. She doesn't want to just suddenly leave him alone in the dark. I'm having a hard time understanding this, but I can understand that she has a very caring and understanding heart. She had a friend before who dated her ex behind her back for 6 months and then promised that she wouldn't lie to her about her love life ever again. She then proceeded to date Anna's crush this year when she knew that Anna liked him. She didn't even tell Anna. She even cheated on him during it. So after that, Anna and her crush just cut off the other girl from their lives. However, Anna still sometimes feels bad for doing that. She always talks about how she feels bad for just leaving her friend like that. Even though she knows that her friend was bad for her, she still tries to see good. So I can understand where she's coming from in terms of wanting to give Jake more chances.

    We talked last night about our values when it comes to friends and romantic relationships. This is where our conflicts happen. Let's say I hold her at a 10 and my friends at a 7 (higher number is more value), then she holds me at a 10 but her friends at a 9. It's harder for her to choose between her friends and me, especially if she sees them as close friends. I know this shouldn't bother me, but it does slightly simply because I see it differently. I think I just need advice on how to get over it?

    So I'm here just worrying about why she wants to forgive him so much and I'm here worried that over time, she'll drift further from me because she's still friends with Jake but I'm not. She said that a part of her pities him and understands him and wants to help, while the other part actually enjoys his company. She's said multiple times that she won't bring him into my life. It's not my decision either who she's friends with and not. I just don't get what she sees in him. I just need help trying to cope with this.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you can't tell people who to talk to or be friends with. However you can take note of her behavior after only 5 mos. They are in the same locale and she is close to him, emotionally and geographically. If you want this drama in your life stay with her, if not let go and date local girls.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately you can't tell people who to talk to or be friends with. However you can take note of her behavior after only 5 mos. They are in the same locale and she is close to him, emotionally and geographically. If you want this drama in your life stay with her, if not let go and date local girls.
    Am I wrong in thinking that in the olden days one dated by getting face-to-face on a regular basis? If, in fact, dating today means to tap out angst-ridden messages on an iPhone, are we not lost?

    Sorry for the way things are with this girl, but you are not really dating her at all by the fading standards of yore.

    If I were you, I would try to cultivate actual friends where you are.

    Yes, difficult, especially in this time of pandemic.

    But it sure beats what you are doing now.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sometimes the correct option isn't to cope but to walk away.

    You are long distance. You do not share the same values and boundaries when it comes to friends and relationships - that's a huge incompatibility issue right here. Ana seems to enjoy the company of toxic people. It's a choice, not a kindness. She admitted herself that she likes that so pay attention, because Ana represents drama and she will continue to seek out drama. So the question for you is does that work for you? Do you enjoy a relationship where you always feel that pit in your stomach?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    Another important thing to note is that my gf feels that Jake is one of the only people who can understand how she feels sometimes. She doesn't really go to him with her emotional problems, but she says that he feels similar things sometimes.
    But she doesn’t confine with you, and you’re her boyfriend. Strike 1.

    Her spending more time with him is emotionally investing. Strike 2.

    Her playing therapist with a troubled, grown a$$ man when she is NOT a licensed professional. Strike 3.

    She’s a drama queen. She is enjoying this emotional affair with him. Either this girl is stupid, or she is intentionally disrespecting YOU.

    You can’t choose her friends for her, but if she wants a committed relationship, then she needs to establish boundaries with friends who cross the line. Jake has crossed the line many times and she’s a doormat for him.

    Let this one go and tell her that you don’t appreciate her emotionally cheating on you with Jake. She is not worth the negative vibe to keep in your life.


    I had a friend who was friends with an ex of mine who physically assaulted me. He acted the same way based on the description of your Jake, and she acted like Anna. We are no longer friends since she did not believe he battered me despite I had him under a restraining order. I found much better friends... you will too.

  7. #6
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    OP, for context before I comment: How old are you and your girlfriend, and how often do you actually meet in person now that you live out of state?

  8. #7

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    Ok I just want to send this final message to all of you. First of all, thank you for trying to help and giving advice. Second, I think I should've clarified a lot more things. It's my fault for not. First of all, I'm 15 and so is my gf. Second, we actually resolved the problem. She realized that she shouldn't continue her friendship with him because he's wronged me so much and she feels that she should've been willing to give up her friendship with him for me. She's apologized a lot. She's cut off communication with him, too. And one more thing happened. When she told him why she didn't want to be friends with him anymore, he reacted negatively, which she wasn't expecting. Me and another one of my friends were always saying that he was a toxic person, but my gf and another one of our friends thought that he could change. Once he reacted like that, she realized that he wasn't really who she thought he was. She thought that he would understand, but he didn't.

    Anyways, thank you all for trying to help.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm glad this was resolved, Zizikon.

    Another red flag was that Jake is two-faced and lied about Anna to you behind Anna's back.

    Anna was playing both sides of the fence and she didn't have any loyalty and complete devotion to you which means there is no relationship if loyalty is non-existent. Two's company, three's a crowd.

    Anyway, glad it was taken care of in the end and Anna came to her senses by dropping Jake. Both of you should move forward and never look back. Good luck!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    This is what we call a dealbreaker. You are best to simply kick her to the curb.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    OP, you are far too young to commit yourself to anyone. At your age, social circles are constantly changing because you are learning who your real friends are. Just as you learned that “Jake is a Fake,” Anna loves drama. She also not a good girlfriend. Social actions have social consequences.

    Also know that distance will also affect the duration of your relationship. It is near impossible for young HS relationships to work during distance. Don’t invest in it if someone - like Anna - is not serious about it because you are wasting time.

    Once this quarantine is over, use that time to build a social circle locally. It’s time to move on with your life and with what is already in front of you


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