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Thread: Was I raped??

  1. #1
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    Was I raped??

    Last May of 2019, I met a guy at the bar - I was recently broken up so pretty emotional, we hit it off well, played pool and the loser had to take vodka shots. Apparently we played three games and I lost all so I took all those shots(honestly I donít remember the third game or shot) - I remember him suggesting he drive my car to his apartment - even though I didnít really think it was a good idea but I was close to blacking out let alone voice my opinion .. I momentarily remember being in my car as he drove, blacked out, then I remember momentarily having sex, blacked out, and then bawling my eyes out in his bathroom for two hours-ish before ubering home.

    Now here is what makes this really confusing ... and very hesitant for me to conclude that it was rape...

    Ever since that night til now, I have been emotionally obsessed with him. He told me he did not want anything to do with me again since that night. I was at mercy of his call and texts, and here I was, absolutely emotionally connected to him. I felt like I was in love with him. I DONT KNOW WHY. I even voluntarily went over to spend time with him, have sex with him few times, even, just so I could rekindle that connection that started off on the wrong foot. It made me feel like I was in control, and I visibly showed him I enjoyed it. I wanted to date him so badly even. Yes, he was a very attractive guy and very successful. The more I tried to mend things and show the 'positive' side of me (not the embarassing drunk side) he told me to not contact him. It was almost like I am trying to stay blind to the negative facts of what really happened and trying to turn it into love?? I donít know??

    But since then I have been severely depressed that I did something shameful like a one night stand which isnít really me. And I had a epiphany yesterday when a friend heard my story and told me I was raped.

    And now I cannot get this out of my head. If I decide to press charges, my action afterwards does not make sense and likely will not fly in court. He will simply show them all our texts (my desperate texts) and they will tell me why am I so head over heels in love with a guy who supposedly raped me. I never acted like a typical rape victim. I am so lost at what to do.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Yes, you were and there is no ďĎtypical rape victim.Ē I am sorry for what happened to you. Please explore this in therapy. It helped me a lot.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Alcohol inhibits the processing of short-term memory, so no, blacking out =/= lack of capacity or consent. It simply means you can't remember the moment. This is very well established science. Plenty of people can find themselves laid out with the ceiling spinning not able to move but still remember it all. Others can carry on completely functional and cognizant without any recollection. In other words, you may have or you may not have been. Though him offering to drive your car certainly isn't a good sign. Regardless, I'm certainly not going to factually claim one way or the other. I would encourage you to pursue therapy as if you may have been if you're here questioning it with concern now.

    I'm sorry that you're dealing with this emotional fallback. I really would encourage therapy to help navigate it. None of us can help you in the manner or to the extent you'd require to do so.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I think seeing a therapist is your best course of action through this emotional and painful experience.

    I wish I could say more. It is a very complicated thing and I think a counselor or even one of the national hot lines (if you're in the states) can help you better.

    Don't be afraid to seek help.

    ((hugs))

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It will be near impossible to prove rape at this point.
    You've left it for too long. There is no rape kit. You contacted him again and continued dating him. And it will be your word against his.

    That being said, please never allow yourself to drink to the degree you did, ever again. YOU are the only one who can protect yourself and to not become vulnerable. Being intoxicated to the degree you were, made you completely vulnerable.

    As for being obsessed with him, that truly is something you need to work out in counselling. I hope you get help as soon as you can.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    A rhetorical question like this cannot be answered in the sense that this is not a court of law, an attorney's office, a law enforcement department or an emergency room. Accusing someone of a felony is a serious matter that you need some professional advice on. Stop talking to this friend.

    The best thing to do is get to a doctor for a complete evaluation and a referral to a therapist. Talk to professionals who can help you not friends who want drama. Either way you benefit. You can sort things out, define what happened and most of all address the issues that led to it and resulted from it.
    Originally Posted by plop
    I have been emotionally obsessed with him. I felt like I was in love with him. I wanted to date him so badly even. he told me to not contact him.

    I have been severely depressedI had a epiphany yesterday when a friend heard my story and told me I was raped.

  8. #7
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    You canít consent when youíre drunk, end of story. The grey areas are where both people are drunk but if he could drive then I think he was sober enough to know what he was doing.

    Iím also sorry this happened. And I think you shouldnít beat yourself up for even one second about reacting how you did, that reaction served you in the time, and it sucks to be rejected, but you were rejected by a monster. Maybe you canít see it now but heís done you a solid. Let that puff of poison disappear off into the sunset and begin to heal. Co signing find a therapist that feels right and talk it out.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    You were drunk, hence not of right mind to consent to it would be considered rape. If you were blackout drunk after only 3 shots, maybe e drugged your drink(s)???? Whether it could be proven in a court of law is another matter.
    Anyway, Why don't you call a rape support hot line and ask this question of them? They will be able to guide you to therapy resources and to discuss whether or not to press charges against him.

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    Rape comes in all shapes and forms, from what you have written it seems both of you were able to connect to get through the pool games and drinks which I assume in his mind showed that you were having fun and more could be explored.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by TrutHurts
    Rape comes in all shapes and forms, from what you have written it seems both of you were able to connect to get through the pool games and drinks which I assume in his mind showed that you were having fun and more could be explored.
    ^^^ The fact that they were "able to connect" does not equate to consent. If you are assuming in your life that a connection means fun and more could be explored, then I see a rape charge in your future.

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