geekgirl12 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 After two years of dating, I was finally able to express to my boyfriend what I feel everytime he brings up his dead girlfriend in everything I do or say. Once, I mentioned "awesomesauce" and he immediately brought up how she picked it up from him and how she used to say it a lot back then and it reminds him of happy days. We're both metalheads. He was actually surprised that I am because I seem to be the softie kind. And he made me listen to Losing you and As a Butterfly by Dead by April and I know it might be assuming but I kind of connect the dots and feel like it is still a song for her. A bit of background about us and the girl, this childhood friend/girlfriend died 5 years ago because she was murdered. (I don't know what really happened because I was too scared to ask about what happened.) We met in a group on facebook and I have been seeing his posts before about this girl, how he called her "the love of his life" and ever since he died everything is just bleak. Based on his comments before, she had a great personality and she is smart and beautiful. And after that incident, he started having nightmares about a little girl he cannot save and all that. We are actually in a long distance relationship and he flew all the way here just to see me so I feel bad for even trying to ask him or doubt what he feels for me. I finally got the courage to inform him about what I feel towards it and I just end up blaming myself because he told me that thinking about it makes him so depressed. > Link to comment
ninjabib Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Sounds like he just has fond memories of her. Perhaps you are similar to her in a way. Same love of music and vocabulary etc. Probably what drew him to you. You are his type so to speak. Has he had professional help to come to terms with her death. She didn't die of natural causes. She was murdered so I can't even begin to imagine how he felt or feels. Having nightmares about not being able to save a girl suggests he feels guilty over it although I am no psychologist. What is it you are looking for from him regarding this issue? Link to comment
geekgirl12 Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 Hi! Thank you for taking your time to answer this. I guess it's about where do I stand in his life right now. I know it sounds petty to be asking that, especially, if it's about someone who died. Sometimes, I feel like nothing but a therapist to him. When we had a fight last year, he even told someone d that I am nothing but a therapist to him since I am a psych major and I can offer things for free. When confronted about it, he said he has to lie to control damage. I know that no one moves on from loving someone who died but at least they can move forward. He used to go therapies before but stopped because it doesn't do anything to him as what he said and it's becoming a waste of money. I don't know. Maybe, I am just overeacting. :( Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Sorry to hear this. He's not ready to date. He knows it and you know it. You can't change his grief, so it's time to let him be. he told me that thinking about it makes him so depressed. Link to comment
geekgirl12 Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 You're right. I think I already know the answer but still here I am trying to seek other people's opinions because I was hoping I was wrong >M Link to comment
ninjabib Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Well OP it sounds like he's in a bad place but that doesn't excuse him saying things like that to you, especially about only dating you because you can offer him therapy for free essentially. That's wrong, you are his gf not his therapist. If he refuses to seek private therapy then that's on him. I guess at the end of the day you need to ask yourself if you are happy in this relationship and in turn is this relationship worthy of your time. Link to comment
geekgirl12 Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 This makes me contemplate about things and I don't know if you do believe in gut feeling or what but I always have this feeling that's holding me back from being too emotionally attached to him. Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer this. > Link to comment
Billie28 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Luckily for you , he is not your bf and basically an online acquaintance. He gets some sort of solace from you , you get nothing it seems from him. You were aware of his background and his outward expressions about this girl online to whoever will listen. You listened. But you got yourself involved beyond listening. Why??? He is everything he put out there online. Which was someone not ready to date. Stuck in grief because he chooses to be. Why did you think it was a good idea to have a fantasy online relationship with him? He did not visit you because he’s interested in having a relationship with you. He visited you because he is hiding online. What is your reason for staying in touch with him??? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 You may both not be ready to date. It sounds like you are just killing time together but he's in his own world and so are you. More like fwb. I always have this feeling that's holding me back from being too emotionally attached to him. Link to comment
geekgirl12 Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 Ah. We have a lot of similarities and we are very supportive of one another when it comes to things. I was under the impression that he has finally moved on since he said he has no choice but to keep moving forward. What do you mean that he only visited me because he was hiding online? I don't think I follow you there. Link to comment
geekgirl12 Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 He isn't the very best when it comes to emotions so I try not to be overly emotional and keep my emotions in check everytime hence not being able to properly share my feelings but he told me before that I can tell him what I feel. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 You need to end things. He's not a college project. He sounds like a jerk, regardless of grief. I am nothing but a therapist to him since I am a psych major and I can offer things for free Link to comment
geekgirl12 Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 I have been thinking about it but I am not sure if I want to do it because I am overacting/overthinking about things or because it is the most logical thing to do. Link to comment
Andrina Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 He isn't the very best when it comes to emotions so I try not to be overly emotional and keep my emotions in check everytime hence not being able to properly share my feelings but he told me before that I can tell him what I feel. You're not being your authentic self with him, since you're afraid of his reaction. This isn't an ideal longterm relationship. If it was, you wouldn't be worried that he's just not that into you. After years of long distance, plans would be made to close that distance. Your partner would treat you as the special person you are, and your good times would outweigh the bad. In my opinion, people who seek out long distance relationships, or accept them (when they haven't begun locally), aren't really ready to seriously date anyone, with the emotional closeness that requires. End this nowhere ferris wheel ride. Be alone and work on yourself, building your self esteem, and then when you're ready to date, make rules that it will be locally only. You have to date a boatload of men to find a keeper. Doing it long distance, you will be 90 years old by the time you find "the one." Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 How much time do you spend in person on dates in real life? We met in a group on facebook and I have been seeing his posts before about this girl, how he called her "the love of his life" and ever since he died everything is just bleak. Based on his comments before, she had a great personality and she is smart and beautiful. Link to comment
Gary Snyder Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Yes, it sounds like he's still hung up on his ex, kind of like a rebound - but worse. He's kind of like a widower. He probably needs time. Therapy could help him deal with it. Even if he improves, he may still see you in the same light and treat you the same, things might not improve between you. He might need a clean slate, a new girlfriend. I don't know if you do believe in gut feeling or what but I always have this feeling that's holding me back from being too emotionally attached to him. - gut feelings are the only thing that is true when it comes to relationships. Your head and heart are liars. Link to comment
smackie9 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 It's simple, he would feel guilty for forgetting her because he feels guilty for what happened to her. This is very common. IMO he needs a few sessions of grief counseling so he can finally know that it's OK to let go. Gosh I didn't mean that to rhyme lol. Link to comment
ninjabib Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 He isn't the very best when it comes to emotions so I try not to be overly emotional and keep my emotions in check everytime hence not being able to properly share my feelings but he told me before that I can tell him what I feel. If you feel that you cannot be yourself then you need to decide whether to move on or give him a timeframe to move forwards. Nomrally i wouldnt suggest this but you cannot be dishonest with yourself forever. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Has he mentioned her daily for the full two years or does it come and go? He doesn't talk about her for a year or months and it comes up. This young woman was murdered. That is VERY traumatic. I don't think he is still in love with her - but is still rocked by her death. If she was still alive and they both moved on years ago, he would not be behaving like this. Were they dating when she was murdered? Murder is something that someone doesn't just get over quickly. Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 He's not ready to have a relationship with anyone including you. He's still mourning the loss of his traumatically murdered girlfriend. He'll either recover from his terrible loss or won't ever truly heal. In this regard, he comes with his own set of very sad emotional baggage. You'll always be dragged down with him and you cannot fix it nor him. It's better for you to date someone else who doesn't have your boyfriend's background. You need to let your boyfriend go. He needs professional help for his wounded heart. It's just as well both of you are long distance. Either your boyfriend's psychological and emotional problems will wear you down or traveling back 'n forth will wear you down eventually. Both situations will take its toll on both of you. Don't blame yourself. You've got nothing to do with his misery and depressive state. Remind yourself that you are NOT "the love of his life." It's time to breakup in order to save your sanity. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 You are a filler. He should not have gotten into a relationship. He should seek therapy. I would feel incredibly hurt and insecure in your situation. I would move on from this. He is still in love with her. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 Hi! Thank you for taking your time to answer this. I guess it's about where do I stand in his life right now. I know it sounds petty to be asking that, especially, if it's about someone who died. Sometimes, I feel like nothing but a therapist to him. When we had a fight last year, he even told someone d that I am nothing but a therapist to him since I am a psych major and I can offer things for free. When confronted about it, he said he has to lie to control damage. I know that no one moves on from loving someone who died but at least they can move forward. He used to go therapies before but stopped because it doesn't do anything to him as what he said and it's becoming a waste of money. I don't know. Maybe, I am just overeacting. :( You move on, but you do not forget. How many times have you seen one another in two years? The comment about being his "therapist" is awful. Why are you playing his therapist? This is all very unhealthy. I believe you do know that this relationship does not have legs. This is only an online relationship. Oh goodness. OP, move on from all of this and find someone you can actually have a relationship, not some fantasy online thing I suggest you address your co dependency. Link to comment
Billie28 Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 Ah. We have a lot of similarities and we are very supportive of one another when it comes to things. I was under the impression that he has finally moved on since he said he has no choice but to keep moving forward. What do you mean that he only visited me because he was hiding online? I don't think I follow you there. He has no choice but to move on. Correct. Doesn’t mean that he is moving on though. He is existing with the sympathy he receives online. And likely ignoring real life. Therefore not actually moving on. He visited you because you enable him to hide online and not actually move on . Honestly it sounds to me that he loves to be depressed, it’s how he deals with life and excuses his behaviour. He is where he is , not because a girl got murdered , but because he uses it as an excuse. And you are there to encourage him . That’s why he visited you and doesn’t spend that time with family or friends who won’t allow him to wallow in self pity. You are doing him more damage than good. So end it. It was never about you anyway. Sorry! Link to comment
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