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Thread: Please, no judgement on this situation.

  1. #21
    Repost as my last post didnít submit.

    First of all, thank-you for all the responses you have all been extremely kind and all comments have been taken into consideration.

    However, my first initial thought and feeling regarding the situation is that he probably isnít coping well at all.
    If the shoe was on the other foot and he announced to me out of the blue about wanting to cut ties when we said weíd be there for each other, I would have taken that quite hard too.

    And in my defence, yes I handled it quite poorly but was definitely very hormonal and in a terrible frame of mind at the time. Although this doesnít excuse my behaviour, we all know grief is a horrible thing and sometimes controls us more than we can control ourselves. Throw hormones into the mix of it all and itís an absolute disaster.

    And while I am not defending his actions or even think it is okay with what he is doing, I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt because if I am not coping, surely he isnít coping much better either. Everyone is different and we all handle rough times differently too. I cannot seem to have any anger towards him or point the finger at him either, as I know he genuinely cared but I was not expecting this.
    Yes, I did say I wanted to cut ties but I have tried to make amends and definitely explained what I had been thinking and feeling at the time, I wasnít thinking clearly and tried my best to take it all back and let him know I would still be there if he needed to reach out.

    It is very unlikely things will go back to how they were, but that doesnít mean things have to end completely in bad terms, there is no logical reason for it. All I want is a message to know if he is doing okay, it is only natural to still care and wonder.

    I do know he is somewhat sensitive and I wonder if cutting me off is eating at him with guilt in a way. Avoiding isnít going to resolve anything, it may make him think it will help himself, me or the both of us but the truth of it is, it isnít. Itís worse than it has to be.

    Iíve mentioned things did not have to go back to how they were if that isnít what he wanted, but I didnít want things to end on these terms either.

    I think it would take an absolute cold hearted person to cut someone out without some form of guilt and I do not think he is doing it intentionally to hurt me. But either way, we have both handled it wrongly to some extent, both at fault.
    I hope one day, heíll reach out again even if just for more solid closure. But if not I am seeking some therapy and focusing on healing the best way I can with healthy coping mechanisms and I really hope he is doing okay too.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why would you shoot him down if you wanted support from him? See a doctor/therapist if you are having difficulty with the breakup, your emotions or whatever aftermath you are feeling. Try not to make excuses for your actions, instead reflect on why you decided to play things out this way.

  3. #23
    Wiseman2, I do believe that was perfectly explained clearly in my previous response. I have admitted and acknowledged to myself as well as him, it was handled poorly and wrongly in a moment of grief and clearly not thinking level-headed at the time.
    That is not an excuse, that is fact. Everyone makes mistakes.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why did you send him that communication about wanting to cut ties? Meaning what did you mean by it and what made you do it, not what "state" you were in? Even if you were hormonal, etc, many people would not send a breakup email to someone they want support from. Why were you so angry at him? Were you upset at how he handled this news or that he did not want the pregnancy?
    Originally Posted by LouiseLou
    it was handled poorly and wrongly in a moment of grief and clearly not thinking level-headed at the time.
    That is not an excuse, that is fact. Everyone makes mistakes.

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  6. #25
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    The thing is when a woman says I am breaking up with you many men are afraid and with good reason to persist even if they think it was not meant because they donít want to be slapped with restraining orders. A lot of men are terrified to even deal with women because of the I am woman hear me roar movement.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Stop judging him. This is just as hard for him as it is for her. Grief brings people together but it also can tear people apart. She told him she's done. I'm sure that made such a painful emotional impact on him, he just couldn't bare to deal with this anymore. atbh they haven't been dating a year. I would have trouble with him if they were together for some time, engaged or married. Everyone is going on how uncaring and callous he is....he's just being human. He just simply couldn't handle it. This is just as hard on him as it's hard on her. For his sake I hope he gets counseling too. Like I said before, abortion or loss of a child destroys relationships/marriages because of the termendous emotional toll. So cut this guy some slack. These things don't usually end well, and this is no different.
    I agree.

    It amazes me how people dump someone and then fault them for respecting their wishes. If you dump someone, and they don't chase you begging, isn't that a good thing? NEVER break up with someone to provoke them to beg or fight for you.

    you didn't want the baby because of your career. Had you considered that he might want the baby - have the baby, sign of your rights to the baby and continue your career? The problem with "my body/my choice" is even if you ultimately still decided to terminate the baby, men feel that they CANNOT share their feelings. Sharing their feelings is off limits. They are not allowed to grieve, or voice anything other than "whatever you decide".

    He is doing what he needs for himself = by not begging to get you back.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Why did you send him that communication about wanting to cut ties? Meaning what did you mean by it and what made you do it, not what "state" you were in? Even if you were hormonal, etc, many people would not send a breakup email to someone they want support from. Why were you so angry at him? Were you upset at how he handled this news or that he did not want the pregnancy?
    I agree.

    There is clearly a big chunk of the story being, in my humble opinion, purposefully left out.

    You defensiveness gives it away.

    You clearly are looking for us to give you validation that he will come back to you.

    Thereís no guarantee of that. Itís not even likely, it could happen, for your sake, I hope for the best, but we donít know what happened to cause you to break up with him and as another poster said you donít play relationship chicken unless youíre prepared to lose him.

    You canít take back what happened, what heís doing now is a reaction to that.

    You say you accepted the mistake you made but it certainly doesnít seem like you comprehend the gravity of what you did.

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