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Thread: Was in a relationship with a wonderful woman but something was missing...

  1. #31
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The temper, the silent treatment, the instinct to turn molehills into mountains: yeah, that is stuff that will turn any healthy person off. Sounds like your gut was responding to that, on one hand, while on another you also just weren’t getting that dose of juju. Probably those things are braided.

    The big love stuff is a mystery, of course, different for everyone. My sense is you’ll feel a dose of it pretty quickly—with “quickly” being anywhere from two days to two months or whatever—the thing people refer to as “infatuation.” The romantic version of what I imagine a line of cocaine is like: excitement, dopamine, comfort, confidence, curiosity, possibility, head floating into the clouds. Great! That’s kind of the thesis stage where the possibility of love has been presented, like a little fountain of oil bursting as the drill goes into the earth.

    Then you keep your feet on the ground, to see how that feeling changes shape over time—namely: does it settle into a “high” that is manageable as more of your person spends time alongside the person of another? Does the well turn out to have a lot of oil, or was that initial fountain a decoy, a dry well? Or does it fade away as you learn, say, that they’ve got a bad temper, a propensity for drama—oil, but not the sort you want to enrich?

    But if there isn’t some version of that jolt you’re kind of doing math rather than being math, if that makes sense.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    The temper, the silent treatment, the instinct to turn molehills into mountains: yeah, that is stuff that will turn any healthy person off. Sounds like your gut was responding to that, on one hand, while on another you also just weren’t getting that dose of juju. Probably those things are braided.
    So are you saying that your gut can sense bad traits about a person even before you see that side of them? As I said I was feeling discontent before I saw that side of her, most of the time she was nice and pleasant, its just me trying to convince myself i'm not missing out on much by pointing this other stuff out haha. At least I have learnt from this experience that even if they ''tick all the boxes'' you still might not like them enough to fall in love, in the future I will end the relationship sooner if my feelings are not strong enough and just learn to accept things the way they are.

    I like the way you write your analogies bluecastle, do you write often? Your posts have been a great help to me, so thanks again.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I may or may not feed and shelter myself by playing with words, if you’ll indulge a little vagueness. Thanks for the kind words.

    I don’t think a gut has that kind of specific x-ray vision, but I do think it’s always worth listening to. Like, I’m about 11 months in a relationship. My gut as always been calm, and thrilled, with her. Does that ensure forever bliss or that gf will never behave in a way that frustrates me? Of course not. She’s an autonomous human who will always be more mysterious than known to me, and thank god for that. What it does ensure is that I am calm and thrilled—that I know I’m in love in much the same way I know I have 5 fingers on each hand—rather than frying the circuitry in computational mode.

    Experience, in a sense, is a workout for the gut. It strengthens it, clears out the cobwebs so it doesn’t get too snuffed out: by attraction, by lofty hopes, by orgasms, by anxiety. Hence, the gut part. If you and I were having a chill time shooting pool and talking life and then I decided to cold clock you in the gut—well, you would know, right then, that your good times with me are over. You could win all the awards at the OCD olympics, but you’d know, because a punched gut is a punched gut. It’ll never be that obvious in romance, unless you stumble into some real misfortune, but it’s a subtler version of the same thing.

    This sounds like a wonderful time for you. Melancholy, yes, but wonderful. You’re whoever you are, however old you are. You had a connection with someone that was what it was, enlightening in ways that were both joyous and jagged. All that is valuable information to metabolize, let alone fun, as it is the business of being alive and a student of life.

  4. #34
    Member BurtReynolds's Avatar
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    I have a couple of friends who will settle for no less that the "perfect" girl / relationship. Now in their 50s and decades later, they are lonely and still searching.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by BurtReynolds
    I have a couple of friends who will settle for no less that the "perfect" girl / relationship. Now in their 50s and decades later, they are lonely and still searching.
    I can't help it if my feelings just weren't strong enough, I carried it on long enough. I'm not expecting perfection, I just want to feel in love, its not right to stay with someone if I don't.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by creative1
    I can't help it if my feelings just weren't strong enough, I carried it on long enough. I'm not expecting perfection, I just want to feel in love, its not right to stay with someone if I don't.
    I agree. I could not stand when people told me "no relationship is perfect". I will say that "feel in love" didn't cut it for me either - certainly love is essential but "feeling in love" especially cloud nine feelings often come and go -yes there are couples I am sure who are always in that blissful state - just like there are couples who are very happy to be together without feeling in love, or rarely - for me I wanted to feel reasonably excited to be with my partner and feel secure -that it was "right" I mean (not "secure" as in "taken care of" although of course we take care of each other as needed). Feelings come and go but if in general you're happy to be committed to your partner and reasonably sure -with doubts that are fleeting or short lived/resolvable -that you two are right together -well, that's more than fine with me and what I wanted. With my ex before my husband I often felt tortured with doubts despite believing that I loved him. Panicky/core-shaking doubts. Not a way to live. Even though he was a fine person, a person of integrity, a person deserving of love (which I hope he gets loads of from his wife- he deserves it!)

  8. #37
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I agree. I could not stand when people told me "no relationship is perfect."
    Ditto—that phrase, along with "relationships take work," are two that rub me the wrong way.

    Yes, both are technically true, but I'd say that, by and large, they are sentiments used to rationalize relationships that do not feel good to be in. I'm not defining "good" as an endless romcom montage, but that basic, core thing that we either know is there or not—the thing that is "bigger" than the highs and lows and does not require a strenuous exertion of brainpower to understand.

    Just as we may work more than one job to find the the kind work that, well, genuinely works for us, I think we may have a few relationships that do the same. And that's okay. Sometimes confusing, painful, and lonely, but okay—more okay, I think, than "working" hard on something because "nothing is perfect," and so on.

  9. #38
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    I agree with relationships take work but not in response to 'I'm just not feeling any spark"

  10. #39
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I agree with relationships take work but not in response to 'I'm just not feeling any spark"
    My personal philosophy on it is: they should be work like a job you adore, not work like a job you can't stand or think you'd be better off quitting.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    My personal philosophy on it is: they should be work like a job you adore, not work like a job you can't stand or think you'd be better off quitting.
    Well sure -I look at work as requiring grit, effort, self-discipline - working at for example not blurting something out pre-coffee or when hangry because even though you "can" it won't bode well for the relationship that day - and no you might not adore the job right then and that's ok - that's the work of it -because you trust that you generally adore it so it's worth the short term "work" for the long term health of the relationship.
    I really don't know of anyone who adores their job 100% of the time -I'm sure there are people like that of course - just like I don't think people adore their marriage or relationship all the time. And that's ok. But there's a desire to work to forge ahead and know this too shall pass. I don't always adore the job of parenthood but I love my son to pieces, over the moon and back and so the work I have to do daily to be what I feel is a good parent (or sometimes great) is worth it.

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