Was in a relationship with a wonderful woman but something was missing...

[Beetie]

As someone who is currently on the otherside of this equation, i.e. it was my ex who just wasn't 'feeling it' with me...I'm curious:

 

How long did you date for before coming to your realization and/or before she walked away? How old are you?

[creative1]

Yes bluecastle, hopefully there is a bright future ahead, i'll try to stay positive. :)

 

Beetie, i'd say it was around the third date or so I started to feel something wasn't quite right... We were together just another a year.. I know I shouldn't have carried it on that long but I thought it was just my anxiety making me panic about it and thought over time i'll get used to being in a relationship and that my feelings would grow... I really, really, really wanted it to work and was hoping sooooo much that I would fall in love with her eventually, if I was more experienced I probably would have ended it sooner, but like I said, I hoped my feelings would grow over time... The times we spent together were nice, and as it was my first relationship I didn't really know what to feel like or expect but now I have that experience I will definitely end things sooner in the future if I start to feel that discontent. I'd rather not disclose my age, sorry.

[Beetie]

Creative, sorry I didn't mean to be so blunt about your age, nor did I mean to ask for a specific number, It was just ball park. Like if you were in your early 20s, this being your first relationship and you having handled it this way would be a different scenario than the same exercise in your 40s.

 

But starting to not feel it only after the 3rd date (which is like 2-3 weeks in?) and continuing basically for 12 months after...that's quite a long time to keep up the act. I assume she saw the cracks tho, so it really was wise of her to leave.

 

When I think back to my breakups, there always was a reason the feelings weren't there, whether as trivial as how he smelled or something hygenic to there being something in their personality I didn't like, like with one guy he seemed desperate and had a jaded view of the world. So its hard for me to believe when someone says they just don't feel it without either some reoccurring issue/argument or perhaps simply not wanting the same things out of life.

 

Anyway...love or rather non-love is simply complicated!

[bluecastle]

When I think back to my breakups, there always was a reason the feelings weren't there, whether as trivial as how he smelled or something hygenic to there being something in their personality I didn't like, like with one guy he seemed desperate and had a jaded view of the world. So its hard for me to believe when someone says they just don't feel it without either some reoccurring issue/argument or perhaps simply not wanting the same things out of life.

 

Not answering for creative, but I'll offer some thoughts on the above.

 

Most people, in a vacuum, crave romance—and, in that vacuum, compile some kind of story about what romance looks like, a story where the rough outline is a decent person they like spending time with, having sex with, and share some hopes and values with. When we meet new people, on some level, we are asking: Are they those things?

 

People, though, are many things—the best part of all this, if also where things get confusing. I've met a number of people who are hands-down terrific—no hygienic problems, no glaring personality defects—and yet after a date or a month or whatever I'm just not feeling it. Probably I wasn't right off the bat, but that idea of romance in the vacuum is powerful, and so there's a kind of hope that if I'm patient a person can fulfill it, since they are fantastic and, you know, into me. They have the power of being real, as opposed to the abstraction of what's in the vacuum—a power that can eclipse the doubts or lack of feelings, for a time.

 

Pocket theory: the more self-absorbed you are—by which I don't mean arrogant but just kind of obsessed with the way you see the world, reckoning with your quicks and intricacies —the longer you can continue on with someone you're not "feeling." Because instead of it being a connection—good one, great one, meh one—it becomes a verdict on yourself, a "flaw" to explore and continue to test: through more dates, say, taking comfort in the self-experiment over the wild comfort of surrendering. And a week becomes a month becomes a year.

 

That's not me chastising you for being self-involved, creative, as you're clearly a good dude. Just a kind of general outline of some of what makes all this complicated—totally illogical, at times, unless you accept it as its own logic system.

 

It's why I kind of emphasize on this site that relationships don't work if you're spinning around in your head. Either it's something you need to work on to make relationships workable, or it's a solid sign that the person just isn't right for you, great as they are. The spinning head is self-absorption, something that roughly translates to: me me me. There is some comfort in that, of course, but it cancels out the space required to absorb another into the thing that is you, and vise versa.

[creative1]

When I think back to my breakups, there always was a reason the feelings weren't there, whether as trivial as how he smelled or something hygenic to there being something in their personality I didn't like, like with one guy he seemed desperate and had a jaded view of the world. So its hard for me to believe when someone says they just don't feel it without either some reoccurring issue/argument or perhaps simply not wanting the same things out of life.

 

This is why I was so confused and frustrated, I didn't notice anything wrong that early on, I did really like her and wanted it to work, its just I never got to the stage where I felt in love. I wasn't leading her on its just my lack of experience thought somehow that my feelings might grow stronger as time went on as I really felt she was a good catch. Though like people like bluecastle have said, you can date someone who you find really amazing and still not have strong feelings develop for them, it seems fairly common.

 

Later on there were times where she could be a bit immature with her temper, giving silent treatment, telling me off/criticising me for small issues. I was feeling discontent before I saw this side of her so they can't have been the reason why but maybe im just better off without her either way. I can't imagine how bad things would have been if we lived together and a serious problem happened.

[bluecastle]

The temper, the silent treatment, the instinct to turn molehills into mountains: yeah, that is stuff that will turn any healthy person off. Sounds like your gut was responding to that, on one hand, while on another you also just weren’t getting that dose of juju. Probably those things are braided.

 

The big love stuff is a mystery, of course, different for everyone. My sense is you’ll feel a dose of it pretty quickly—with “quickly” being anywhere from two days to two months or whatever—the thing people refer to as “infatuation.” The romantic version of what I imagine a line of cocaine is like: excitement, dopamine, comfort, confidence, curiosity, possibility, head floating into the clouds. Great! That’s kind of the thesis stage where the possibility of love has been presented, like a little fountain of oil bursting as the drill goes into the earth.

 

Then you keep your feet on the ground, to see how that feeling changes shape over time—namely: does it settle into a “high” that is manageable as more of your person spends time alongside the person of another? Does the well turn out to have a lot of oil, or was that initial fountain a decoy, a dry well? Or does it fade away as you learn, say, that they’ve got a bad temper, a propensity for drama—oil, but not the sort you want to enrich?

 

But if there isn’t some version of that jolt you’re kind of doing math rather than being math, if that makes sense.

[creative1]

The temper, the silent treatment, the instinct to turn molehills into mountains: yeah, that is stuff that will turn any healthy person off. Sounds like your gut was responding to that, on one hand, while on another you also just weren’t getting that dose of juju. Probably those things are braided.

 

So are you saying that your gut can sense bad traits about a person even before you see that side of them? As I said I was feeling discontent before I saw that side of her, most of the time she was nice and pleasant, its just me trying to convince myself i'm not missing out on much by pointing this other stuff out haha. At least I have learnt from this experience that even if they ''tick all the boxes'' you still might not like them enough to fall in love, in the future I will end the relationship sooner if my feelings are not strong enough and just learn to accept things the way they are.

 

I like the way you write your analogies bluecastle, do you write often? Your posts have been a great help to me, so thanks again.

[bluecastle]

I may or may not feed and shelter myself by playing with words, if you’ll indulge a little vagueness. Thanks for the kind words.

 

I don’t think a gut has that kind of specific x-ray vision, but I do think it’s always worth listening to. Like, I’m about 11 months in a relationship. My gut as always been calm, and thrilled, with her. Does that ensure forever bliss or that gf will never behave in a way that frustrates me? Of course not. She’s an autonomous human who will always be more mysterious than known to me, and thank god for that. What it does ensure is that I am calm and thrilled—that I know I’m in love in much the same way I know I have 5 fingers on each hand—rather than frying the circuitry in computational mode.

 

Experience, in a sense, is a workout for the gut. It strengthens it, clears out the cobwebs so it doesn’t get too snuffed out: by attraction, by lofty hopes, by orgasms, by anxiety. Hence, the gut part. If you and I were having a chill time shooting pool and talking life and then I decided to cold clock you in the gut—well, you would know, right then, that your good times with me are over. You could win all the awards at the OCD olympics, but you’d know, because a punched gut is a punched gut. It’ll never be that obvious in romance, unless you stumble into some real misfortune, but it’s a subtler version of the same thing.

 

This sounds like a wonderful time for you. Melancholy, yes, but wonderful. You’re whoever you are, however old you are. You had a connection with someone that was what it was, enlightening in ways that were both joyous and jagged. All that is valuable information to metabolize, let alone fun, as it is the business of being alive and a student of life.

[BurtReynolds]

I have a couple of friends who will settle for no less that the "perfect" girl / relationship. Now in their 50s and decades later, they are lonely and still searching.

[creative1]

I have a couple of friends who will settle for no less that the "perfect" girl / relationship. Now in their 50s and decades later, they are lonely and still searching.

 

I can't help it if my feelings just weren't strong enough, I carried it on long enough. I'm not expecting perfection, I just want to feel in love, its not right to stay with someone if I don't.

[Batya33]

I can't help it if my feelings just weren't strong enough, I carried it on long enough. I'm not expecting perfection, I just want to feel in love, its not right to stay with someone if I don't.

 

I agree. I could not stand when people told me "no relationship is perfect". I will say that "feel in love" didn't cut it for me either - certainly love is essential but "feeling in love" especially cloud nine feelings often come and go -yes there are couples I am sure who are always in that blissful state - just like there are couples who are very happy to be together without feeling in love, or rarely - for me I wanted to feel reasonably excited to be with my partner and feel secure -that it was "right" I mean (not "secure" as in "taken care of" although of course we take care of each other as needed). Feelings come and go but if in general you're happy to be committed to your partner and reasonably sure -with doubts that are fleeting or short lived/resolvable -that you two are right together -well, that's more than fine with me and what I wanted. With my ex before my husband I often felt tortured with doubts despite believing that I loved him. Panicky/core-shaking doubts. Not a way to live. Even though he was a fine person, a person of integrity, a person deserving of love (which I hope he gets loads of from his wife- he deserves it!)

[bluecastle]

I agree. I could not stand when people told me "no relationship is perfect."

 

Ditto—that phrase, along with "relationships take work," are two that rub me the wrong way.

 

Yes, both are technically true, but I'd say that, by and large, they are sentiments used to rationalize relationships that do not feel good to be in. I'm not defining "good" as an endless romcom montage, but that basic, core thing that we either know is there or not—the thing that is "bigger" than the highs and lows and does not require a strenuous exertion of brainpower to understand.

 

Just as we may work more than one job to find the the kind work that, well, genuinely works for us, I think we may have a few relationships that do the same. And that's okay. Sometimes confusing, painful, and lonely, but okay—more okay, I think, than "working" hard on something because "nothing is perfect," and so on.

[Batya33]

I agree with relationships take work but not in response to 'I'm just not feeling any spark"

[bluecastle]

I agree with relationships take work but not in response to 'I'm just not feeling any spark"

 

My personal philosophy on it is: they should be work like a job you adore, not work like a job you can't stand or think you'd be better off quitting.

[Batya33]

My personal philosophy on it is: they should be work like a job you adore, not work like a job you can't stand or think you'd be better off quitting.

 

Well sure -I look at work as requiring grit, effort, self-discipline - working at for example not blurting something out pre-coffee or when hangry because even though you "can" it won't bode well for the relationship that day - and no you might not adore the job right then and that's ok - that's the work of it -because you trust that you generally adore it so it's worth the short term "work" for the long term health of the relationship.

I really don't know of anyone who adores their job 100% of the time -I'm sure there are people like that of course - just like I don't think people adore their marriage or relationship all the time. And that's ok. But there's a desire to work to forge ahead and know this too shall pass. I don't always adore the job of parenthood but I love my son to pieces, over the moon and back and so the work I have to do daily to be what I feel is a good parent (or sometimes great) is worth it.