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Thread: feeling insecure - asking for opinions!

  1. #1
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    feeling insecure - asking for opinions!

    thanks for opening!

    so i have been in a relationship witha great guy for 8 months now. he's awesome.

    sometimes i feel insecure about something so i wanted to ask you all

    when my boyfriend gets drunk, hes get this confidence and starts being really friendly and flirty with females. we will be out at a bar or restaurant and there will be a girl bartender and a guy bartender and he will be friendly and flirty and nice to the female one and feels threatened by the male one - he will approach random girls to say something witty and funny but literally never does it with random males -

    why is this?

    any insights or thoughts? experiences?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's not unusual for some to experience personality changes with substances like alcohol. Why are you so surprised about this? Is this your first relationship or with someone who drinks? Limit your contact with individuals who can't control their alcohol (any substances) intake. He doesn't sound as awesome as you think.

    I have an ex who was a chronic drinker. Perhaps I'm a bit too seasoned with the patterns and behaviours.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When you're seeing a person regularly drunk, and to the point it changes his personality, isn't that a dealbreaker for you? I chose a man with healthy hobbies/interests. I'd have no interest in a guy who regularly gets drunk and flirts with other women. Is your self esteem so low that you think he's all you're worthy of?

    The point of dating is to see who is compatible with you and he's not. When a person regularly upsets you, it means the relationship doesn't work.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What you're describing as "confidence" just reads to me like "insecurity"—an extension, really, of those "don't cheat on me" conversations you two had at the start. I think of booze as a kind of truth serum, where the more we drink the more we show our truest colors. So, in his case, he gets a little booze in his system and becomes a dude who is threatened by men and mitigates that threat by seeking cursory female attention. Fragile ego stuff. Not so mysterious. Not super cute. Not likely to change either.

    From what you've written about him, and about your general dynamic, it seems that jealousy and insecurity are pretty potent ingredients here, on both sides. Perhaps this is a good moment to assess how all that is evolving? If you're feeling less secure at 8 months than you were at one or two—well, that's not a great trend, though of course only you know all the details.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Have you spoken to him about how his drunken antic affect you? If not, why not. If you have, what was his response?

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    i brought it up once and he said he's felt more comfortable around females his whole life, closer to his mom and aunt than his dad .. etc etc. he does admit that hes insecure - but thats no reason to not be with someone right?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    When he gets drunk or inappropriate, simply leave. Why hang around a disrespectful drunk? Seriously reconsider if you want to be around someone like this. 24 weeks of dating is a good time to reflect and assess what's in from of you.

    Do not act jealous or try to fix or change him. You will only be trying to sever someone from who they really are. Instead take your own car out and most of all...observe. Do not try to talk to him about it. He will tell you you're imagining things and being jealous, so don't bother....unless you enjoy adding insult to injury.
    Originally Posted by BCC123

    when my boyfriend gets drunk, hes get this confidence and starts being really friendly and flirty with females. we will be out at a bar or restaurant and there will be a girl bartender and a guy bartender and he will be friendly and flirty and nice to the female one and feels threatened by the male one

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BCC123
    i brought it up once and he said he's felt more comfortable around females his whole life, closer to his mom and aunt than his dad .. etc etc. he does admit that hes insecure - but thats no reason to not be with someone right?
    Being "more comfortable" with females then males is one thing, being inappropriate and obnoxious while around them and while you are with him is quite the other. Did you tell him that? Did you tell him how it makes you feel?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BCC123
    i brought it up once and he said he's felt more comfortable around females his whole life, closer to his mom and aunt than his dad .. etc etc. he does admit that hes insecure - but thats no reason to not be with someone right?
    He sounds insecure, period. What gender he feels more comfortable around with doesn't matter. He's turning it into a bunch of excuses for his poor behaviour while drunk. I think the feeling of being threatened or insecure around other males is disturbing. I'm not sure why he would feel that way unless he's been traumatized or abused by his father growing up. If he has underlying issues he hasn't dealt with, yes, this is a reason not to be with someone. He has to sort himself out. Don't be a doormat for his poor behaviour or early trauma/whatever his excuse is.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BCC123
    i brought it up once and he said he's felt more comfortable around females his whole life, closer to his mom and aunt than his dad .. etc etc. he does admit that hes insecure - but thats no reason to not be with someone right?
    Agree with Rose and TwT.

    I'm probably more comfortable around women than men: raised my single mom, blah blah. Though I adore men as well, and don't hit on random women after a few sips of wine while my girlfriend cringes in the corner. If I did? I suspect she'd opt out of being my girlfriend pretty quickly.

    Point being, your boyfriend sounds deeply insecure. No one gets a reward for recognizing that in themselves, especially if they handle their insecurity in dubious ways that trigger insecurities in people they're close to. The psychological diagnosis of that, to quote Freud, is: super lame.

    You certainly shouldn't feel scared to express how his behavior makes you feel. How people respond to that tends to be a great gauge in whether they're good people for you, or not. It's like leaving dishes in the sink. Someone does that, you express how that bothers you, and if they clean up—great. And if they don't? Well, also great: means you know they're not for you, since the ultimate gauge of romantic harmony isn't seeing how far you can bend to accommodate another but to see if you can feel great, in your own skin, alongside another.

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