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Thread: I messed up

  1. #41
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    To be completely honest, my answer would be deafening silence. I wouldn't even bother to speak to him or to respond in any way. Why? Because he is not stupid, he knows good and well what he does and that it's not right. The only purpose of him talking, of his various accusations, of trying to "reason" with you is nothing more than pure manipulation and you do not want to engage in that. You simply walk away without a backward glance. A case of don't wrestle with the pig.....

    A lot of what you describe, fits narcissistic personality type to a T. Yes, these people are often highly successful, charming, fun, and can really get under your skin and make you swoon.......but.....they have a dark side that will come out eventually and I think you've sensed that all along. These people are also dangerous in the literal sense of the word and they will hurt you in the end, badly so. Not even talking about cheating, putting your health at risk, but also messing with your head, making you feel crazy, breaking you down. When you encounter these people, you need to run. I don't care how fun they seem at first, run run run and keep running. Yes, they will give chase, yes they may well come around again and again sniffing around to see if you are in a weak moment and ready to give them round two or three ..... block, delete, disappear. It's the only and the best way. You need to protect yourself.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    You've said yourself, here and in past threads, that you doubt his ability to be with one woman, or to subsist off the attention of only one woman. Well, you now know, as you've known, that those doubts were not doubts, but shrewd intuition. That's your personal power, right there, the thing to harness, not suppress.
    .
    I had to quote this (Ty Blue) because it brings back to mind the times I spent in therapy with a very savy therapist, who while sitting in front of him I too insisted that I didn't see the signs. . and things (whatever they may have been) came out of no where. Mind you, I passionately believed every word I said and stood behind it. Until he busted me every single time. He pointed out the very things I had just shared with him, but just as quickly brushed under the rug so I didn't have to acknowledge them. Because acknowledging them meant I might have to act on them. Sometimes those very actions are uncomfortable. Uncomfortable but necessary.

    It wasn't until I started going into things, eyes wide open that things shifted for me. I am no longer caught off guard by shady behavior and I am longer invested into making something work that wasn't meant to. I see it for what it is.

    Intuition is a gift everyone has. You can very easily snuff it out with enough training. Reworking it and trying to gain it back takes practice.

    Based on BC's observations, it seems you had some clues early on. So when you look at it long enough, it really isn't a surprise after all.
    The good news here is this is a valuable lesson for you. I hope you use it well.

  3. #43
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    Thank you all again!
    We started dating May 2018 but had a break and got back together in November.
    It was not all bad as I wouldn't be in it. But I think he was not fully in like Batya so rightly said. I think one is leg was always out. Each time I brought up, he pulled back in but not for too long.
    I must admit that on a few occasions, during heated moments, I mentioned that perhaps he should be single. He than said that I should stop saying that as he may agree with me one day. I think that on that final Monday morning he took it as I am done and leaving as he doesn't want to reveal his phone call frequency.
    At least I wonder if he will apologise one day for the way he reacted and packed me. For the disrespectful behaviour.
    I wish him well. He is a good man. However, I believe he treats his friends ( both sexes) far better than partners. I think he would be a friend one in a million but partner is indeed shady.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    Thank you all again!
    We started dating May 2018 but had a break and got back together in November.
    It was not all bad as I wouldn't be in it. But I think he was not fully in like Batya so rightly said. I think one is leg was always out. Each time I brought up, he pulled back in but not for too long.
    I must admit that on a few occasions, during heated moments, I mentioned that perhaps he should be single. He than said that I should stop saying that as he may agree with me one day. I think that on that final Monday morning he took it as I am done and leaving as he doesn't want to reveal his phone call frequency.
    At least I wonder if he will apologise one day for the way he reacted and packed me. For the disrespectful behaviour.
    I wish him well. He is a good man. However, I believe he treats his friends ( both sexes) far better than partners. I think he would be a friend one in a million but partner is indeed shady.
    That part in bold is the reason you have been feeling such high levels of anxiety throughout this relationship. You knew in your gut that he wasn't all the way in... you tried to look past that and just "go with the flow"... it turns out however that you were right all along.

    Compromising your values and what you want from a relationship never leads to anything good at the end of the day.

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok, try not to continue any on/off type of thing.
    Originally Posted by irka000
    We started dating May 2018 but had a break and got back together in November.

  7. #46
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    Well said Maew. I thought maybe with time he will pulled the other leg in. There were moments when I felt like he did. For example, he always travel alone for Christmas. This year he asked if we could go together. He started to refer " we" about me and him when he was telling me about his conversation with his guys, family etc. It was becoming obvious we meet every weekend unless one of us had plans.
    He was more tender and affectionate each time.
    I was happy with that.
    Anyway, this is past now. As recently his attention is elsewhere. He forgot to text me back and call me back. No, thank you.
    I will be fine. He needs to grow up. He had very long term relationships but he never fully committed I believe. Never married.
    I am gutted this ended so bitterly.
    Last edited by irka000; 10-02-2019 at 05:09 PM. Reason: Error

  8. #47
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sounds like you've got a good read on him. But what has that gotten you, really? Per earlier posts by myself and others, I think you want to get a better read on you, so you can use that sense of perception and intuition for you.

    You meet a guy you're compelled by, but who sends a signal to you that he's monogamously-challenged. Fine. A story old as time, and one you are going to live again. Right there you have options. You can walk away or you can wade in, while observing, knowing your threshold and confident that your intuition will steer you on the right path.

    Observing is different than bringing things up on a few occasions, or mentioning that perhaps someone should be single; it is observing another person and how you feel in the orbit of another person, not finding ways to delicately tell them what you don't like about them to see if, afterwards, you'll like them more. That's like asking a porcupine not to be spiky. In response the porcupine will show you his spikes. And if you stick around the porcupine now knows what's what. All that happens in seconds but rarely un-happens.

    Back to intuition and perception. These are your friends, your power. Fogged over intuition = bad compass. Bad compass = an over-reliance on others for direction. Bad direction = being late to the party because the dude on the corner swore you go left at the Starbucks, not right at the second at the second Starbucks, like your gut said. Ugh.

    You are smart, intuitive, perceptive. If a cool, dynamic dude is spending time with you it means that you are a cool, dynamic woman—in this case exponentially cooler and more dynamic than him. Yet somehow that hasn't been clear. Not the end of the world, but a human moment we all go through, in different ways, throughout life. Make this juncture about figuring out yourself, rather than him, and you will look back with gratitude.

  9. #48
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    My heart goes out to you, Irka. You've been continually gaslighted by this guy to the degree that even now you can anticipate his spin to villainize you--yet you're still trying to pretzel your brain to avoid that role?

    Skip that, reach for your best dignity, and embrace the villain role with open arms.

    Really.

    The guy browbeats you with technicalities and makes your discovery of his disloyalty into your own fault. If you go along with that, what would it buy you? More neglect and disloyalty under the guise of self sufficiency and none of your business?

    We all get to choose our own bar for minimum requirements in a relationship. You've been willing to settle for walking on eggshells 'around' this guy in the hope of being offered something resembling tenderness and care without rocking the boat. You already knew that it would take so little to spill that boat over, because it never had any balance.

    I'd drop the idea of trying to come out of this playing the great gal in some guy's eyes when you can adopt that role for your Self. The guy never owned the capacity to view you through the right lens, and you've learned the hard way how difficult it is to stay on someone's radar when they don't even have the vision, much less the interest, to appreciate your value.

    Value your SELF. Let the guy invent whatever kind of fantasy he wants in order to view himself as a hero. Continuing a tap-dance to control his vision is a waste of your energy, and if you haven't already noticed, it won't buy you anything but a lousy feeling in your gut because you already know that you'll never convince this guy of anything. Period.

    Head high, and trust that you deserve better.

  10. #49
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    Dearest Catfeeder, this could not come at better time. Thank you for this as frankly speaking I woke up this morning feeling like my insecurities ruined everything. Thinking that maybe he was tired and forgot to call me back. And maybe this had nothing to do with him and her. That maybe him contacting her later means he woke up at midnight ( as he said he was already in bed at 9.30pm when I called) and decided to catch up with his friend.
    That indeed, he had life before he met me and friends that I won't know about. Maybe me question him about her on Saturday night and than Monday morning was too much too handle.
    He told me once that if he says something once it should be enough. Further questions will not be well received as means I don't trust him.
    So I was in panick mode that I will never see him again.
    Than I read what you said Catfeeder and I promptly came to my senses. He packed me. If he would feel this was a mistake, by now he would do something to rectify this. Nobody is upset 4 days.
    I think it is convenient for him I am gone.
    I think he knew too well I am so into him.
    It will be hard to move on but I do deserve someone who is fully in.
    Thank you

  11. #50
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    I know that I received a great amount of support on this. Very grateful and just venting really.
    Can't believe he won't apologise for the way things ended. For the way he packed my stuff in plastic bags. For his fuming behaviour.
    I think it is so convenient for him that we are done. She must mean a lot to him. Also the fact that he is free now, that he can indulge in his chats or more with others without being questioned.
    After a year , a relationship ended within seconds. Bit sad.

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